HOW I BECAME RUSSIAN
Hi, my name is Alex Wilson. I write for «American Post»
the most popular newspaper in the US.
In my cloumns I try to understand what is America? Who are we?
Everyone knows that America is a country of unlimited opportunities.
The American dream can become a reality for anyone.
But each person needs to find their own way to achieve it.
Each working American can take as many loans as he wants.
Kid, bad news. I'm sorry, but you're fired.
mortgage, car, kids' education, credit cards
TOTAL: 999000$
You're gonna find a new job very soon. Good luck!
Our financial system is unbelievable.
But enough about the positive, let's talk about some problems.
For example congressman Kevin Davenport is positive that the biggest problem
of the Unites States of America is...
Immigrants!
Being a patriot, I can't be silent! Illegal immigrants are parasites of our society.
This is the biggest problem in the USA!
And he's absolutely right.
It is true, they perfidiously built his house...
they raise his kids impudently…
they obtrusively cook for him...
How long shall he suffer of all this?
Many people shit on America,
but at the same time millions strive to get here.
Once you arrive in the US, you realize that this is a country of dreams.
The best of the worst.
I mean, the best of the rest.
And «patriotism» means loving your country despite its drawbacks.
Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?
"Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?"
Bravo, Alex!
Davenport's people called and threatened to sue!
Can't you write anything without offending these “goofs”?
You let this in circulation...
I have to watch everything?
Well, yeah...
Well, you need to escape for a while. Business trip.
To Russia.
American spy
Don't thank me.
No no no no no, Mister Cooper!
Sit out for couple of months. When elections are over,
congressman will calm down.
Take your time to get international experience. Do you see?
And give them their «Best Bureau» award statue - to the new boss.
Why Russia?
Your grandma's Russian, right? Plus, it's the only vacancy.
What happened to previous journalist?
Alex, how should I know? Drank too much vodka, eaten by a bear…
What’s the difference? You're going.
Mister Cooper…
Do svidania (goodbye)
So, what is Russia?
Russia is a country where you can become anyone you want!
There`s a load of opportunities for business. I`m interested in money, of course…
Where the hell were you, moron? We`re late.
Roma - driver
I love Russia, this country offers endless opportunities!
For example, you can meet a foreigner here, marry him and move somewhere else.
Marina - secretary
There is a wonderful Russian saying: “be of service where you were born”…
Actually, I was born in Kirghizia…
But in 1996 I almost drowned in an ice hole outside of Moscow.
So I think of it as I was born the second time here.
Anatoly - 33d on Forbes list
Russia is first and foremost rich history, culture
and wonderful compassionate people.
Hey, Anya, he isn`t dying yet, is he? I`ll stop to buy some cigarettes.
Get me a gum.
Anya - GP
My Russian grandma kept saying:
“If you go to Russia, don`t speak Russian straight away.
You`ll always know people`s attitude!”.
Need a taxi? Thousand roubles
Oh! Yankee!
Grandma was right.
Yes, Ekaterina Denissovna! I`ve already met him,
we`re getting in the car!
Thanks
Mister Wilson?
Yes
Welcome to Russia. How was your flight?
Everything's fine, but it's not...
Where are you taking it?!
None of your business.
What the hell are you doing?
What is it?
It's a safety feature.
In case the air bags don't work.
It’s a joke. My name’s Roman, I…
Sorry
Yes?
Roma, where are you?
In Moscow.
Very funny! I hope you`ll be on time.
You can`t be late for the first meeting with your future father-in-law!
You didn`t forget, did you?
No, princess. Of course I didn`t. I just got stuck in traffic.
I`ll be on time, don’t worry. Love you.
Come on, don`t fret.
Calm down, Alex, it's a teddy bear.
Finally! - Hi.
Dad!
I want you to meet Roma, my boyfriend. And this is my dad…
As well as her main sponsor. Anatoly Anatolyevich.
Roman.
And this?..
And that is Alex Wilson, journalist from America.
He arrived at my request to improve the quality of our newspaper. Yes, Alex?
Yes.
What newspaper?
I told you, Roma is in media business.
I`m just a member of the board of directors of one of the publishing companies.
So, a journalist. How do they say – “the second oldest” (profession)?
It`s a good thing not the first! Yes, Alex?
Yes
He doesn`t speak Russian.
Ok. Come to the table!
Roma, what the hell is going on? Why didn't we go to the hotel?
Russian tradition. Lunch first.
And who is this guy?
He's my partner. One of the richest men in Russia.
Roma, what is this?
This is ordinary Russian lunch.
Ordinary?
Daily.
A newspaper, you say? What do you write about?
About business, about successful businessmen…
Basically, about people like you…
So what, you want to write an article about me?
I heard that you don`t talk to journalists.
Yeah, right. Because they are all assholes.
Dad! Everybody's an asshole to you! You could make an exception for Roma!
How about we drink to our acquaintance?
Excuse me, can I have a сoke please?
Ah! American. You prefer whiskey with cola!
It freezes here at minus 40 degrees.
Hence, only vodka.
Sorry, I just don't drink alcohol.
Alex, drink! Here in Russia you cannot refuse to drink.
It’s the same as you show a middle finger in USA.
Do you want to show him a middle finger?
Not really.
Go!
Alex, bottoms up.
What?
Bottoms up.
[disrespect]
It's actually not that bad here. tykdkytdk
Roma! ROMA! Wake up!
We are late to the office. I have appointment with Ekaterina at ten.
She will fire me.
What? Who'll fire you? You're a in the board of directors.
I'm the driver of a member of the board of directors.
What?!
She's coming!
Good morning.
Ekaterina Denissovna, here`s your opening speech for the presentation.
Sluggish beginning. Redo it!
designs for the hall decoration…
Golden ribbons? It`s a presentation, not an Armenian wedding!
Here is the guest list and your coffee.
Do I have four arms?!
Attention, zoo!
Today a journalist from the New York office of the “American Post” has arrived.
A real professional who doesn`t sleep at work, doesn`t paint nails, doesn`t play computer games.
Finally we`ll have a decent person in here. Marina, invite Wilson.
He`s not here… yet.
He should`ve been here two hours ago.
I`m sorry, Ekaterina Denissovna. This is Alex Wilson. From the USA.
Here comes the professional.
This is all Roma's fault. He told me, that he is in the board of directors,
brought me to some oligarch for lunch. And then we went to sauna and then...
I don’t remember...
You're supposed to present me with an award from New York at the gala dinner.
I hope you haven't drunk it away.
No, everything is fine.
My sweet
Hi. Have you recovered after yesterday?
Oh, we hardly drank yesterday. I`m fine.
But it was too much for the American, he`s falling apart.
I settled it with my dad.
You can come over between five and seven and take an interview.
Interview? What interview?
We won`t just write an article about you. We`ll make a spread with a photo shoot!
Oh! The interview, yes, we`ll be there…
Honey, I`ll call you later, OK? I`m at the board of directors meeting.
What are you doing, jerk?!
You`re the jerk! Fucking jerk! Bastard! You ruined my first day at work!
So you can speak...
I need the address of the place where we were yesterday.
I need to take back the statuette.
I`ll give you a ride.
I`ll never go anywhere with you again.
Alex, come on, stop sulking! Tell me how do you know Russian so well?
Grandma taught me.
Why did you say that you`re in the board of directors?
Have you seen Ira, her father, their house? Do you think she`d date a driver?
They will find out eventually.
When they do, I'll think of something.
F... who drives like this?! Stay in the car.
Roma, please, stop!
Put a shoe-sticker on, "i'm an idiot'" sign would be better. Get out of the car!
Roma! Wait, don`t! Look, it`s nothing.
It's not her fault, please! We don't have the time! Ekaterina will...
How are you driving, dumbass!
Have I died? Am I in heaven?
Oh, no, in hell.
It`s just a bruise. You`ll be OK.
Where am I?
At my place. This is my sister Anya, she is a doctor.
Nice to meet you. I`m Alex Wilson. It`s my second day in Russia and here I am…
Couldn`t you take off his shoes?
Hey! Forget it.
What?
Roma, why is it that every time I`m in pain you`re near?
How is it my fault now?
Better tell me how you`re gonna interview Anatoly Anatolyevich looking like that?
Interview?
Interview. You were so drunk yesterday that you promised him a spread.
But I can`t work today.
Yeah, I get it. But then we should warn Ekaterina that you won`t bring the award.
I won`t take any interview today.
They say that all Russian oligarchs are former outlaws…
Tell me, have you ever shot anyone?
Where are you?! The presentation is in an hour!
Why aren`t you doing anything? Come on, we have one hour left. Move!
Katyundra is flying off the handle.
OK, calm down, we`re on the way. Yeah, with the award.
Roma!
What are you doing here?
You know, I was looking for the bathroom and got lost here…
Where`s Alex?
Alex is interviewing your father.
That`s great. I think he can handle it himself.
…and I say: “If I miss – the factory is yours!”
He puts the glass on the head and I from 45 meters...
The glass - in pieces, and not one hair on his head moves.
You don't believe me?
No, no, I do believe you…
No. You don't.
Let`s go.
There, can you see the statue?
Look at the head, at its head.
Ah! Are you saying you can do the same?
Come on, aim.
Gun down!
Calm down, cops. Leave the American guy in one piece.
Go away, go.
Welldone! It`s for you, a present from me.
Thank you very much.
Let's go!
Where have you been?
I was discussing a project with my partners.
We've just... We need to go to the presentation.
How's he going to drive now?
Driving sober in Russia is scary. Drink.
OK. Let`s go, I`ll give you a ride.
If that American moron doesn`t show up right now,
we announce the banquet instead of the award ceremony.
Why aren`t we moving?
Traffic jam.
Must be our president on his way to work.
In this country the less the president works – the more convenient for the people.
Welcome to the annual “American Post” presentation.
That`s it… now we are definitely late.
No, we aren`t. Ignat!
Let's go!
How do I look?
Like a guerilla! Come on, go ahead, for Obama!
Everything's fine.
Nah… The guy needs help.
Anatoly Anatolyevich, why? He's a big boy, he can handle it himself.
Listen here, we all go to your presentation,
and then we hit karaoke.
But it's a private event.
Are you kidding? Private for whom?
…according to TNS, our newspaper has increased its target audience by 16%…
…this is the direction that our publishing company considers to be the trend...
And now please look at the screen.
Starting with the next issue we will have a new column entitled “An American`s diary”.
It will be written by an American journalist Alex Wilson, who came...
I'm from New York and I made it on time!
I came here to present an official award to the head of the Moscow department
of the “American Post” and a ch-ch-ch-charming lady… to you.
Here.
What a wonderful award, I am so glad… I think it symbolizes…
our everyday… struggle for sensation.
And thanks to Mr Wilson for his unforgettable speech.
(go away)
Wait... I need...
I didn`t understand you, Russians, at first and then I had a drink and understood.
You, Russians, are wonderful, you are real!
You don't wear these fake smiles!
If you hate, you hate with all your heart, if you love – you love with all your heart.
I swear it's true. I love you!
And of course you too, Ekaterina Denissovna!
I advise you to keep your thinking device safe, you might need it.
Maybe I did it on purpose, to see you.
Next time I won`t see you without OMS.
Insurance, Alex.
If I keep working with your brother, I`ll need to go get it.
After everything you`ve done there tonight, you need to go to the employment office.
Come on, I'll take you to the hotel.
So what is Russia after all?
Russia is a country with no borderline between incredible hospitality and wild drinking.
A country with the longest roads which have the longest traffic jams.
A country where excessive vanity lives side by side with pure selflessness.
Besides, it`s the only place on the planet where the “broad Russina soul” can fit.
So, what is Russia? As they say here…
…who the hell knows!