0:00:12.764,0:00:18.784 HOW I BECAME RUSSIAN 0:00:32.728,0:00:36.788 Hi, my name is Alex Wilson. [br]I write for «American Post» 0:00:37.058,0:00:39.498 the most popular newspaper in the US. 0:00:39.760,0:00:43.250 In my cloumns I try to understand[br]what is America? Who are we? 0:00:44.498,0:00:48.354 Everyone knows that America is a country[br]of unlimited opportunities. 0:00:52.065,0:00:55.205 The American dream can become [br]a reality for anyone. 0:00:55.816,0:01:00.646 But each person needs to find [br]their own way to achieve it. 0:01:05.981,0:01:09.771 Each working American can take [br]as many loans as he wants. 0:01:10.090,0:01:14.150 Kid, bad news. I'm sorry,[br]but you're fired. 0:01:15.255,0:01:18.165 mortgage, car, [br]kids' education, credit cards 0:01:18.291,0:01:21.157 TOTAL: 999000$ 0:01:22.335,0:01:24.693 You're gonna find a new job very soon.[br]Good luck! 0:01:31.265,0:01:34.901 Our financial system is unbelievable.[br] 0:01:36.073,0:01:40.480 But enough about the positive, [br]let's talk about some problems. 0:01:41.732,0:01:46.753 For example congressman Kevin Davenport [br]is positive that the biggest problem 0:01:46.907,0:01:49.461 of the Unites States of America is... 0:01:49.461,0:01:50.761 Immigrants! 0:01:50.831,0:01:56.511 Being a patriot, I can't be silent! Illegal [br]immigrants are parasites of our society. 0:01:58.224,0:02:01.474 This is the biggest problem in the USA! 0:02:03.094,0:02:05.797 And he's absolutely right. 0:02:06.370,0:02:09.415 It is true, they perfidiously [br]built his house... 0:02:11.223,0:02:14.032 they raise his kids impudently… 0:02:15.013,0:02:17.755 they obtrusively cook for him... 0:02:18.705,0:02:20.724 How long shall he suffer of all this? 0:02:22.149,0:02:24.608 Many people shit on America,[br] 0:02:24.608,0:02:28.608 but at the same time [br]millions strive to get here. 0:02:28.719,0:02:34.279 Once you arrive in the US, you realize [br]that this is a country of dreams. 0:02:35.110,0:02:37.098 The best of the worst. 0:02:38.133,0:02:40.113 I mean, the best of the rest. 0:02:41.989,0:02:46.996 And «patriotism» means loving [br]your country despite its drawbacks. 0:02:47.408,0:02:49.758 Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport? 0:02:50.229,0:02:52.249 "Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?"[br] 0:02:53.339,0:02:54.209 Bravo, Alex! 0:02:54.669,0:02:56.939 Davenport's people called [br]and threatened to sue! 0:02:57.845,0:03:00.543 Can't you write anything [br]without offending these “goofs”? 0:03:00.823,0:03:02.548 You let this in circulation... 0:03:02.767,0:03:04.497 I have to watch everything? 0:03:04.772,0:03:06.624 Well, yeah... 0:03:07.999,0:03:11.369 Well, you need to escape for a while.[br]Business trip. 0:03:17.754,0:03:18.992 To Russia. 0:03:34.903,0:03:36.254 American spy 0:03:37.848,0:03:39.392 Don't thank me. 0:03:39.392,0:03:41.277 No no no no no, Mister Cooper! 0:03:41.677,0:03:44.797 Sit out for couple of months. [br]When elections are over, 0:03:44.976,0:03:47.176 congressman will calm down. 0:03:47.364,0:03:49.770 Take your time to get [br]international experience. Do you see? 0:03:50.096,0:03:54.558 And give them their «Best Bureau»[br]award statue - to the new boss. 0:03:56.936,0:03:58.501 Why Russia? 0:03:58.688,0:04:02.836 Your grandma's Russian, right? [br]Plus, it's the only vacancy. 0:04:03.414,0:04:05.495 What happened to previous journalist? 0:04:05.495,0:04:09.015 Alex, how should I know? [br]Drank too much vodka, eaten by a bear… 0:04:09.847,0:04:11.130 What’s the difference? You're going. 0:04:12.087,0:04:13.047 Mister Cooper… 0:04:14.056,0:04:15.675 Do svidania (goodbye) 0:04:26.567,0:04:29.007 So, what is Russia? 0:04:33.893,0:04:36.493 Russia is a country where you can become[br]anyone you want! 0:04:36.957,0:04:41.375 There`s a load of opportunities for business. [br]I`m interested in money, of course… 0:04:42.145,0:04:45.717 Where the hell were you, moron? [br]We`re late. 0:04:50.782,0:04:52.614 Roma - driver[br] 0:04:53.647,0:04:55.517 I love Russia, this country [br]offers endless opportunities! 0:04:56.447,0:05:00.733 For example, you can meet a foreigner here, [br]marry him and move somewhere else. 0:05:01.578,0:05:02.760 Marina - secretary 0:05:03.992,0:05:07.657 There is a wonderful Russian saying: [br]“be of service where you were born”… 0:05:09.138,0:05:11.458 Actually, I was born in Kirghizia… 0:05:11.458,0:05:15.060 But in 1996 I almost drowned [br]in an ice hole outside of Moscow. 0:05:16.799,0:05:20.197 So I think of it as [br]I was born the second time here. 0:05:21.207,0:05:22.549 Anatoly - 33d on Forbes list 0:05:24.376,0:05:27.784 Russia is first and foremost [br]rich history, culture 0:05:28.800,0:05:31.264 and wonderful compassionate people. 0:05:31.587,0:05:35.569 Hey, Anya, he isn`t dying yet, is he?[br]I`ll stop to buy some cigarettes. 0:05:38.631,0:05:39.855 Get me a gum. 0:05:40.455,0:05:41.995 Anya - GP 0:05:48.439,0:05:50.451 My Russian grandma kept saying: 0:05:50.607,0:05:53.699 “If you go to Russia, [br]don`t speak Russian straight away. 0:05:54.432,0:05:56.713 You`ll always know people`s attitude!”. 0:05:58.229,0:05:59.748 Need a taxi? Thousand roubles 0:06:00.536,0:06:02.380 Oh! Yankee! 0:06:05.501,0:06:07.292 Grandma was right. 0:06:07.562,0:06:11.458 Yes, Ekaterina Denissovna! [br]I`ve already met him, 0:06:12.912,0:06:15.050 we`re getting in the car! 0:06:16.382,0:06:17.834 Thanks 0:06:21.103,0:06:22.899 Mister Wilson? 0:06:22.899,0:06:23.321 Yes 0:06:23.974,0:06:25.889 Welcome to Russia. How was your flight? 0:06:26.277,0:06:28.190 Everything's fine, but it's not... 0:06:29.440,0:06:30.938 Where are you taking it?! 0:06:30.949,0:06:31.569 None of your business. 0:06:32.629,0:06:34.096 What the hell are you doing? 0:06:42.668,0:06:44.018 What is it? 0:06:46.168,0:06:47.748 It's a safety feature. 0:06:49.069,0:06:50.976 In case the air bags don't work. 0:06:54.634,0:06:58.516 It’s a joke. My name’s Roman, I… 0:06:59.902,0:07:00.895 Sorry 0:07:02.917,0:07:03.650 Yes? 0:07:03.761,0:07:04.754 Roma, where are you? 0:07:05.407,0:07:06.224 In Moscow. 0:07:06.757,0:07:09.248 Very funny! I hope you`ll be on time. 0:07:12.845,0:07:15.459 You can`t be late for the first meeting [br]with your future father-in-law! 0:07:16.375,0:07:17.999 You didn`t forget, did you? 0:07:18.118,0:07:20.909 No, princess. Of course I didn`t. [br]I just got stuck in traffic. 0:07:22.228,0:07:25.085 I`ll be on time, don’t worry. Love you. 0:07:35.705,0:07:37.604 Come on, don`t fret. 0:07:46.072,0:07:49.425 Calm down, Alex, it's a teddy bear. 0:07:50.951,0:07:52.762 Finally! - Hi. 0:07:53.647,0:07:54.872 Dad! 0:08:01.742,0:08:06.317 I want you to meet Roma, my boyfriend. [br]And this is my dad… 0:08:06.847,0:08:10.230 As well as her main sponsor. [br]Anatoly Anatolyevich. 0:08:11.109,0:08:12.629 Roman. 0:08:13.301,0:08:14.125 And this?.. 0:08:14.330,0:08:16.797 And that is Alex Wilson, [br]journalist from America. 0:08:17.742,0:08:21.678 He arrived at my request to improve [br]the quality of our newspaper. Yes, Alex? 0:08:21.737,0:08:22.373 Yes. 0:08:23.217,0:08:24.193 What newspaper? 0:08:25.457,0:08:29.840 I told you, Roma is in media business. 0:08:30.380,0:08:33.433 I`m just a member of the board of directors [br]of one of the publishing companies. 0:08:34.441,0:08:37.555 So, a journalist. How do they say – [br]“the second oldest” (profession)? 0:08:39.172,0:08:41.647 It`s a good thing not the first! [br]Yes, Alex? 0:08:41.667,0:08:42.162 Yes 0:08:42.422,0:08:43.807 He doesn`t speak Russian. 0:08:44.027,0:08:45.663 Ok. Come to the table! 0:08:47.147,0:08:49.142 Roma, what the hell is going on? [br]Why didn't we go to the hotel? 0:08:50.000,0:08:51.816 Russian tradition. Lunch first. 0:08:52.170,0:08:53.693 And who is this guy? 0:08:53.865,0:08:55.806 He's my partner. [br]One of the richest men in Russia. 0:08:58.197,0:08:59.454 Roma, what is this? 0:09:00.599,0:09:02.146 This is ordinary Russian lunch. 0:09:02.155,0:09:03.284 Ordinary? 0:09:03.868,0:09:04.767 Daily. 0:09:06.176,0:09:08.857 A newspaper, you say? [br]What do you write about? 0:09:09.980,0:09:13.287 About business, [br]about successful businessmen… 0:09:14.314,0:09:16.554 Basically, about people like you… 0:09:17.089,0:09:19.347 So what, you want to write [br]an article about me? 0:09:20.336,0:09:23.287 I heard that you don`t [br]talk to journalists. 0:09:23.471,0:09:25.189 Yeah, right. [br]Because they are all assholes. 0:09:25.434,0:09:28.926 Dad! Everybody's an asshole to you! [br]You could make an exception for Roma! 0:09:32.720,0:09:34.413 How about we drink to our acquaintance? 0:09:35.878,0:09:38.347 Excuse me, can I have a сoke please? 0:09:39.803,0:09:42.720 Ah! American. You prefer whiskey with cola! 0:09:44.600,0:09:47.600 It freezes here at minus 40 degrees. 0:09:48.540,0:09:50.859 Hence, only vodka. 0:09:51.879,0:09:53.697 Sorry, I just don't drink alcohol. 0:09:55.547,0:09:59.111 Alex, drink! Here in Russia you cannot [br]refuse to drink. 0:09:59.897,0:10:02.183 It’s the same as you show [br]a middle finger in USA. 0:10:03.447,0:10:06.040 Do you want to show him a middle finger? 0:10:08.753,0:10:10.347 Not really. 0:10:14.266,0:10:15.391 Go! 0:10:25.274,0:10:27.670 Alex, bottoms up. 0:10:28.612,0:10:29.726 What? 0:10:31.286,0:10:33.391 Bottoms up. 0:10:37.579,0:10:39.028 [disrespect] 0:10:50.677,0:10:53.431 It's actually not that bad here. tykdkytdk 0:11:24.151,0:11:26.047 Roma! ROMA! Wake up! 0:11:27.320,0:11:30.482 We are late to the office. [br]I have appointment with Ekaterina at ten. 0:11:31.678,0:11:33.046 She will fire me. 0:11:33.433,0:11:35.688 What? Who'll fire you? [br]You're a in the board of directors. 0:11:37.174,0:11:39.281 I'm the driver of a member [br]of the board of directors. 0:11:39.748,0:11:40.520 What?! 0:11:54.417,0:11:56.165 She's coming! 0:12:10.770,0:12:11.243 Good morning. 0:12:11.324,0:12:12.930 Ekaterina Denissovna, here`s your [br]opening speech for the presentation. 0:12:13.144,0:12:14.164 Sluggish beginning. Redo it! 0:12:14.650,0:12:15.961 designs for the hall decoration… 0:12:16.001,0:12:17.826 Golden ribbons? It`s a presentation, [br]not an Armenian wedding! 0:12:18.879,0:12:20.124 Here is the guest list and your coffee. 0:12:21.207,0:12:22.689 Do I have four arms?! 0:12:24.329,0:12:26.014 Attention, zoo! 0:12:30.325,0:12:35.987 Today a journalist from the New York office [br]of the “American Post” has arrived. 0:12:36.758,0:12:43.630 A real professional who doesn`t sleep at work, [br]doesn`t paint nails, doesn`t play computer games. 0:12:45.662,0:12:48.861 Finally we`ll have a decent person in here. [br]Marina, invite Wilson. 0:12:49.720,0:12:52.669 He`s not here… yet. 0:12:53.062,0:12:55.208 He should`ve been here two hours ago. 0:12:58.438,0:13:00.756 I`m sorry, Ekaterina Denissovna. [br]This is Alex Wilson. From the USA. 0:13:12.880,0:13:14.404 Here comes the professional. 0:13:15.766,0:13:19.579 This is all Roma's fault. He told me, [br]that he is in the board of directors, [br] 0:13:20.528,0:13:24.362 brought me to some oligarch for lunch. [br]And then we went to sauna and then... 0:13:26.850,0:13:28.080 I don’t remember... 0:13:29.916,0:13:34.673 You're supposed to present me with an award [br]from New York at the gala dinner. 0:13:35.429,0:13:38.469 I hope you haven't drunk it away. 0:13:53.018,0:13:55.371 No, everything is fine. 0:14:00.862,0:14:01.800 My sweet 0:14:02.241,0:14:03.492 Hi. Have you recovered after yesterday? 0:14:05.491,0:14:08.261 Oh, we hardly drank yesterday. I`m fine. 0:14:08.276,0:14:09.645 But it was too much for the American, [br]he`s falling apart. 0:14:11.550,0:14:14.240 I settled it with my dad. 0:14:14.240,0:14:16.093 You can come over between five and seven [br]and take an interview. 0:14:17.139,0:14:19.306 Interview? What interview? 0:14:20.702,0:14:25.227 We won`t just write an article about you. [br]We`ll make a spread with a photo shoot! 0:14:28.178,0:14:32.005 Oh! The interview, yes, we`ll be there… 0:14:34.281,0:14:37.138 Honey, I`ll call you later, OK? [br]I`m at the board of directors meeting. 0:14:38.568,0:14:39.531 What are you doing, jerk?! 0:14:40.350,0:14:46.248 You`re the jerk! Fucking jerk! Bastard! [br]You ruined my first day at work! 0:14:51.477,0:14:53.053 So you can speak... 0:14:53.363,0:14:56.518 I need the address of the place [br]where we were yesterday. 0:14:56.907,0:14:58.125 I need to take back the statuette. 0:14:59.034,0:15:00.540 I`ll give you a ride. 0:15:00.791,0:15:03.919 I`ll never go anywhere with you again. 0:15:05.544,0:15:12.408 Alex, come on, stop sulking! [br]Tell me how do you know Russian so well? 0:15:17.279,0:15:18.278 Grandma taught me. 0:15:20.904,0:15:23.524 Why did you say that you`re [br]in the board of directors? 0:15:25.923,0:15:32.031 Have you seen Ira, her father, their house? [br]Do you think she`d date a driver? 0:15:32.468,0:15:34.821 They will find out eventually. 0:15:35.526,0:15:38.258 When they do, I'll think of something. 0:15:41.858,0:15:45.031 F... who drives like this?! Stay in the car. 0:15:45.358,0:15:46.247 Roma, please, stop! 0:15:46.387,0:15:49.308 Put a shoe-sticker on, "i'm an idiot'" sign [br]would be better. Get out of the car! 0:15:51.319,0:15:54.970 Roma! Wait, don`t! Look, it`s nothing. 0:15:56.745,0:16:01.030 It's not her fault, please![br]We don't have the time! Ekaterina will... 0:16:01.776,0:16:02.922 How are you driving, dumbass! 0:16:06.086,0:16:08.422 Have I died? Am I in heaven? 0:16:14.753,0:16:16.351 Oh, no, in hell. 0:16:17.422,0:16:20.941 It`s just a bruise. You`ll be OK. 0:16:22.559,0:16:24.514 Where am I? 0:16:24.930,0:16:28.595 At my place. This is my sister Anya, [br]she is a doctor. 0:16:31.538,0:16:37.298 Nice to meet you. I`m Alex Wilson. [br]It`s my second day in Russia and here I am… 0:16:39.883,0:16:41.320 Couldn`t you take off his shoes? 0:16:45.902,0:16:47.458 Hey! Forget it. 0:16:48.012,0:16:48.894 What? 0:16:58.340,0:17:02.068 Roma, why is it that every time [br]I`m in pain you`re near? 0:17:02.663,0:17:04.089 How is it my fault now? 0:17:04.728,0:17:07.390 Better tell me how you`re gonna interview [br]Anatoly Anatolyevich looking like that? 0:17:08.384,0:17:08.938 Interview? 0:17:08.958,0:17:11.245 Interview. You were so drunk yesterday [br]that you promised him a spread. 0:17:13.063,0:17:15.353 But I can`t work today. 0:17:15.353,0:17:19.888 Yeah, I get it. But then we should warn [br]Ekaterina that you won`t bring the award. 0:17:20.762,0:17:23.018 I won`t take any interview today. 0:17:35.699,0:17:40.663 They say that all Russian oligarchs[br]are former outlaws… 0:17:45.003,0:17:47.487 Tell me, have you ever shot anyone? 0:18:21.925,0:18:23.550 Where are you?! [br]The presentation is in an hour! 0:18:24.701,0:18:28.465 Why aren`t you doing anything? Come on,[br]we have one hour left. Move! 0:18:28.775,0:18:29.977 Katyundra is flying off the handle. 0:18:30.411,0:18:33.587 OK, calm down, we`re on the way. [br]Yeah, with the award. 0:18:36.418,0:18:37.210 Roma! 0:18:45.833,0:18:47.058 What are you doing here? 0:18:47.125,0:18:49.768 You know, I was looking for the bathroom [br]and got lost here… 0:18:50.928,0:18:51.914 Where`s Alex? 0:18:51.914,0:18:55.583 Alex is interviewing your father. 0:18:57.051,0:18:59.929 That`s great. [br]I think he can handle it himself. 0:19:05.498,0:19:08.272 …and I say: “If I miss – the factory is yours!” 0:19:10.556,0:19:14.056 He puts the glass on the head and I from 45 meters... 0:19:18.112,0:19:21.619 The glass - in pieces, [br]and not one hair on his head moves. 0:19:27.316,0:19:28.728 You don't believe me? 0:19:29.268,0:19:30.995 No, no, I do believe you… 0:19:35.310,0:19:37.386 No. You don't. 0:19:39.625,0:19:40.630 Let`s go. 0:19:49.908,0:19:53.078 There, can you see the statue? 0:19:55.458,0:19:58.458 Look at the head, at its head. 0:20:06.441,0:20:08.843 Ah! Are you saying you can do the same? 0:20:11.308,0:20:13.209 Come on, aim. 0:20:26.329,0:20:27.604 Gun down! 0:20:27.640,0:20:30.203 Calm down, cops. [br]Leave the American guy in one piece. 0:20:30.808,0:20:31.929 Go away, go. 0:20:34.807,0:20:38.284 Welldone! It`s for you, a present from me. 0:20:39.414,0:20:40.756 Thank you very much. 0:20:40.868,0:20:41.814 Let's go! 0:20:44.184,0:20:45.463 Where have you been? 0:20:45.585,0:20:47.071 I was discussing a project with my partners. 0:20:48.307,0:20:54.408 We've just...[br]We need to go to the presentation. 0:20:57.664,0:20:58.657 How's he going to drive now? 0:20:58.836,0:21:03.514 Driving sober in Russia is scary. Drink. 0:21:09.190,0:21:11.422 OK. Let`s go, I`ll give you a ride. 0:21:11.906,0:21:14.187 If that American moron [br]doesn`t show up right now, 0:21:14.895,0:21:16.948 we announce the banquet [br]instead of the award ceremony. 0:21:17.356,0:21:18.597 Why aren`t we moving? 0:21:19.126,0:21:20.443 Traffic jam. 0:21:21.631,0:21:23.636 Must be our president on his way to work. 0:21:25.715,0:21:30.397 In this country the less the president works – [br]the more convenient for the people. 0:21:31.828,0:21:35.485 Welcome to the annual “American Post” presentation. 0:21:37.292,0:21:38.739 That`s it… now we are definitely late. 0:21:39.020,0:21:40.498 No, we aren`t. Ignat! 0:21:48.259,0:21:49.235 Let's go! 0:21:59.460,0:22:00.595 How do I look? 0:22:03.283,0:22:06.336 Like a guerilla! [br]Come on, go ahead, for Obama! 0:22:10.216,0:22:11.010 Everything's fine. 0:22:11.496,0:22:13.266 Nah… The guy needs help. 0:22:13.528,0:22:15.868 Anatoly Anatolyevich, why? [br]He's a big boy, he can handle it himself. 0:22:17.066,0:22:20.129 Listen here, we all go to your presentation, 0:22:23.599,0:22:25.867 and then we hit karaoke. 0:22:26.147,0:22:27.603 But it's a private event. 0:22:28.100,0:22:30.820 Are you kidding? Private for whom? 0:22:31.466,0:22:37.458 …according to TNS, our newspaper has increased its target audience by 16%… 0:22:43.973,0:22:48.847 …this is the direction that our publishing company considers to be the trend... 0:22:59.316,0:23:01.726 And now please look at the screen. 0:23:02.207,0:23:06.724 Starting with the next issue we will have [br]a new column entitled “An American`s diary”. 0:23:09.556,0:23:14.502 It will be written by an American journalist[br]Alex Wilson, who came... 0:23:26.975,0:23:30.049 I'm from New York and I made it on time! 0:23:32.938,0:23:38.156 I came here to present an official award [br]to the head of the Moscow department 0:23:39.521,0:23:45.885 of the “American Post” [br]and a ch-ch-ch-charming lady… to you. 0:23:55.468,0:23:56.242 Here. 0:24:06.268,0:24:10.977 What a wonderful award, I am so glad… [br]I think it symbolizes… 0:24:12.424,0:24:15.586 our everyday… struggle for sensation. 0:24:16.449,0:24:19.733 And thanks to Mr Wilson [br]for his unforgettable speech. 0:24:20.560,0:24:21.015 (go away) 0:24:24.333,0:24:27.798 Wait... I need... 0:24:31.283,0:24:37.295 I didn`t understand you, Russians, at first [br]and then I had a drink and understood. 0:24:40.689,0:24:45.500 You, Russians, are wonderful,[br]you are real! 0:24:46.859,0:24:49.193 You don't wear these fake smiles! 0:24:52.799,0:25:01.265 If you hate, you hate with all your heart, [br]if you love – you love with all your heart. 0:25:02.762,0:25:05.560 I swear it's true. I love you! 0:25:13.582,0:25:16.370 And of course you too, Ekaterina Denissovna! 0:25:42.896,0:25:46.541 I advise you to keep your thinking device safe, [br]you might need it. 0:25:48.249,0:25:51.809 Maybe I did it on purpose, to see you. 0:25:52.503,0:25:55.078 Next time I won`t see you without OMS. 0:25:56.685,0:25:57.831 Insurance, Alex. 0:25:58.660,0:26:03.162 If I keep working with your brother, [br]I`ll need to go get it. 0:26:05.186,0:26:09.723 After everything you`ve done there tonight, [br]you need to go to the employment office. 0:26:14.912,0:26:17.790 Come on, I'll take you to the hotel. 0:26:21.956,0:26:23.985 So what is Russia after all? 0:26:24.556,0:26:29.268 Russia is a country with no borderline [br]between incredible hospitality and wild drinking. 0:26:31.145,0:26:35.485 A country with the longest roads[br]which have the longest traffic jams. 0:26:37.656,0:26:42.297 A country where excessive vanity lives [br]side by side with pure selflessness. 0:26:43.100,0:26:48.881 Besides, it`s the only place on the planet [br]where the “broad Russina soul” can fit. 0:26:50.448,0:26:52.933 So, what is Russia? As they say here… 0:26:53.356,0:26:55.187 …who the hell knows!