Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder
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Not SyncedI am going to talk to you tonight
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Not Syncedabout coming out of the closet.
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Not Syncedand not in the traditional sense,
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Not Syncednot just the "gay" closet.
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Not SyncedI think we all have closets
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Not Syncedyour closet may be telling someone
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Not Syncedyou love her for the first time.
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Not SyncedOr telling someone you're pregnant.
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Not SyncedOr telling someone you have cancer.
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Not SyncedOr any of the other hard conversations we have
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Not Syncedthroughout our lives.
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Not SyncedAll the closet is, is a hard conversation.
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Not SyncedAnd although our topics may vary tremendously,
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Not Syncedthe experience of being in and coming out of the closet
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Not Syncedis universal.
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Not SyncedIt is scary, and we hate it,
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Not Syncedand it needs to be done.
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Not SyncedSeveral years ago, I was working at the Southside Walnut Café,
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Not Synceda local diner in town,
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Not Syncedand during my time there,
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Not SyncedI would go through phases of militant, lesbian, intensity.
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Not SyncedNot shaving my armpits,
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Not Syncedquoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel
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Not Syncedand depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts,
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Not Syncedand how recently i'd shaved my head,
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Not Syncedthe question was often sprung on me
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Not Syncedusually by a little kid:
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Not Synced"Mmmm, are you a boy, or are you a girl?"
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Not SyncedAnd there would be an awkward silence at the table,
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Not SyncedI'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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Not Syncedhold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance,
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Not Syncedthe Dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper,
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Not Syncedand the Mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
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Not SyncedBut I would say nothing,
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Not Syncedand I would seethe inside.
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Not SyncedAnd it got to the point that everytime
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Not SyncedI walked up to a table that had a kid
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Not Syncedanywhere between 3 and 10 years old,
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Not SyncedI was ready to fight.
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Not SyncedAnd that is a terrible feeling.
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Not SyncedSo I promised myself that the next time
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Not SyncedI would say something.
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Not SyncedI would have that hard conversation.
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Not SyncedSo in a matter of weeks, it happens again:
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Not Synced"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"
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Not SyncedFamiliar silence.
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Not SyncedBut this time, I am ready.
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Not SyncedAnd I am about to go all Woman Studies 101 on this table.
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Not SyncedI've got my Betty Friedan quotes,
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Not SyncedI've got my Gloria Steinem quotes
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Not SyncedI even got this little bit from Vagina Monologue
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Not SyncedI'm gonna do,
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Not Syncedso I take a deep breath, and i look down,
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Not Syncedand staring back at me
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Not Syncedis a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.
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Not SyncedNot a challenge to a feminist duel,
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Not Syncedjust a kid, with a question:
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Not Synced"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"
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Not SyncedSo I take another deep breath,
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Not Syncedsquat down next to her and say:
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Not SyncedHey, I know it's kind of confusing,
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Not Syncedmy hair is short like a boy's,
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Not Syncedand I wear boys' clothes,
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Not Syncedbut I'm a girl
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Not Syncedand you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,
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Not Syncedand sometimes you like to wear your comfie jammies,
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Not Syncedwell, I'm more of a comfie jammies kind of a girl.
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Not SyncedAnd this kid looks me dead in the eye
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Not Syncedwithout missing a beat and says:
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Not Synced"My favorite pajamas are purple
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Not Syncedwith fish, can I get a pancake please?"
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Not SyncedAnd that was it, just:
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Not Synced"Oh, OK, you're a girl. How 'bout that pancake?"
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Not SyncedIt was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had.
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Not SyncedAnd why?
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Not SyncedBecause Pancake Girl and I
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Not Syncedwe were both real with each other.
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Not SyncedSo, like many of us,
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Not SyncedI've lived in a few closets in my life,
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Not Syncedand yeah, most often, my walls happen to be rainbow.
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Not SyncedBut inside, in the dark,
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Not Syncedyou can't tell what color the walls are.
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Not SyncedYou just know what it feels like
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Not Syncedto live in a closet.
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Not SyncedSo really, my closet is no different than yours,
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Not Syncedor yours,
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Not Syncedor yours.
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Not SyncedSure, I can give you 100 reasons why
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Not Syncedcoming out of my closet was harder
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Not Syncedthan coming out of yours,
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Not Syncedbut here's the thing,
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Not Syncedhard is not relative,
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Not Syncedhard is hard.
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Not SyncedWho can tell me
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Not Syncedthat explaining to someone
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Not Syncedthat you've just declared bankrupcy
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Not Syncedis harder than telling someone
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Not Syncedyou cheated on them.
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Not SyncedWho can tell me
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Not Syncedthat his coming out story
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Not Syncedis harder than telling your 5-year old
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Not Syncedyou're getting a divorce.
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Not SyncedThere is no "harder:,
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Not Syncedthere is just "hard."
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Not SyncedWe need to stop ranking our "hard"
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Not Syncedoneagainst against everybody else's "hard"
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Not Syncedto make us feel better or worse about our closet
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Not Syncedand just commiserate on the fact
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Not Syncedthat we all have "hard."
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Not SyncedAt some point in our lives,
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Not Syncedwe all live in closets,
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Not Syncedand they may feel safe.
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Not SyncedOr at least, safer than what lies
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Not Syncedon the other side of that door.
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Not SyncedBut I'm here to tell you,
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Not Syncedno matter what your walls are made of,
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Not Synceda closet is no place for a person to live.
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Not SyncedThanks.
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Not SyncedSo why is coming out of any closet,
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Not Syncedwhy is having that conversation,
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Not Syncedwhy is it so hard?
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Not SyncedBecause they're stressful.
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Not SyncedWe're so concerned about the reaction
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Not Syncedof the other person, and understandably.
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Not SyncedWill they be angry?
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Not SyncedSad?
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Not SyncedDisappointed?
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Not SyncedWill we loose a friend?
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Not SyncedA parent?
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Not SyncedA lover?
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Not SyncedThese conversations cause stress.
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Not SyncedSo let's kick out on stress for a moment.
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Not SyncedStress is a natural reaction in your body.
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Not SyncedWhen you encounter a perceived threat,
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Not Synced(keyword, "perceived"),
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Not Syncedyour hypothalamus sounds the alarm,
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Not Syncedand adrenalin and cortisol
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Not Syncedstart coursing through your veins.
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Not SyncedThis is known as
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Not SyncedFight or Flight.
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Not SyncedSometimes you rumble,
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Not SyncedSometimes you run.
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Not SyncedAnd this is a totally normal reaction.
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Not SyncedAnd, comes from a time
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Not Syncedwhen that threat was being chased by a wooly mammoth
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Not SyncedThe problem is
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Not Syncedyour hypothalamus has no idea
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Not Syncedif you're being chased by a wooly mammoth,
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Not Syncedor if your computer just crashed,
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Not Syncedor if your in-laws just showed up on your doorsteps,
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Not Syncedor if you're about to jump out of an airplane,
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Not Syncedor if you need to tell someone you love
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Not Syncedthat you have a brain tumor.
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Not SyncedThe difference is
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Not Syncedthe wooly mammoth chases you for what,
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Not Syncedmaybe 10 minutes,
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Not Syncednot having those hard conversations
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Not Syncedthat can go on for years
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Not SyncedChronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol
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Not Synceddisrupts almost every system in your body.
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Not Syncedand can lead to anxiety,
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Not Synceddepression, heart disease,
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Not Syncedjust to name a few.
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Not SyncedWhen you do not have hard conversations,
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Not Syncedwhen you keep the truth about yourself a secret,
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Not Syncedyou're essentially holding a grenade.
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Not SyncedSo, imagine yourself
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Not Synced20 years ago.
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Not SyncedMe,
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Not SyncedI had a pony tail,
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Not Synceda strapless dress,
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Not Syncedand high heel shoes.
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Not SyncedI was not the militant lesbian
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Not Syncedready to fight any 4-year old who walked into the café.
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Not SyncedI was frozen by fear,
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Not Syncedcurled up in a corner
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Not Syncedof my pitch-black closet,
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Not Syncedclutching my gay grenade.
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Not SyncedAnd moving one muscle
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Not Syncedis the scariest thing
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Not SyncedI have ever done.
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Not SyncedMy family,
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Not Syncedmy friends,
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Not Syncedcomplete strangers,
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Not SyncedI had spent my entire life
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Not Syncedtrying not to disappoint these people.
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Not SyncedAnd now, I was turning the world upside down.
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Not SyncedOn purpose.
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Not SyncedI was burning the pages of the script
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Not Syncedwe had all followed for so long,
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Not Syncedbut if you do not throw that grenade,
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Not Syncedit will kill you.
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Not SyncedOne of my most memorable grenade-tosses
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Not Syncedwas at my sister's wedding.
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Not SyncedIt was the 1st time that many on attendance
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Not Syncedknew that I was gay.
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Not SyncedSo in doing my Maid of Honor duties,
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Not Syncedin my black dress and heels,
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Not SyncedI walked around the tables,
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Not Syncedand finally landed at the table of my parents' friends,
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Not Syncedfolks that had known me for years.
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Not SyncedAnd after a little small talk,
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Not Syncedone of the women shouted out:
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Not Synced"I love Nathan Lane!"
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Not SyncedAnd the battle of gay relatebility
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Not Syncedhad begun.
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Not Synced"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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Not Synced"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."
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Not Synced"We've never been there,
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Not Syncedbut we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"
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Not Synced"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,
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Not Syncedhe's really good, and he's never talked about a girlfriend."
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Not Synced"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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Not SyncedOur favorite TV show: favorite, Will and Grace,
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Not Syncedyou know who we love? Jack,
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Not SyncedJack is our favorite."
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Not SyncedAnd then one woman,
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Not Syncedstumped,
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Not Syncedbut wanting so desperately to show her support,
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Not Syncedto let me know she was on my side,
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Not Syncedshe finally blurted out:
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Not Synced"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
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Not SyncedAnd I had a choice at that moment,
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Not Syncedas all grenade-throwers do.
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Not SyncedI could go back to my girlfriends,
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Not Syncedand my gay-loving table,
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Not Syncedand mock their responses.
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Not SyncedChastise their unworldliness,
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Not Syncedand their inability to jump through
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Not Syncedthe politically-correct gay hoops
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Not SyncedI had brought with me,
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Not Syncedor,
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Not SyncedI could empatize with them,
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Not Syncedand realize that that was maybe
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Not Syncedone of the hardest things that they had ever done.
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Not SyncedThat starting,
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Not Syncedand having that conversation,
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Not Syncedwas them coming out of their closet.
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Not SyncedSure, it would have been easy
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Not Syncedto point out where they fell short.
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Not SyncedIt's a lot harder
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Not Syncedto meet them where they are,
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Not Syncedand acknowledge the fact that
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Not Syncedthey were trying,
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Not Syncedand what else can you ask someone to do,
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Not Syncedbut try.
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Not SyncedIf you're going to be real with someone,
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Not Syncedyou've got to be ready
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Not Syncedfor real in return.
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Not SyncedSo, hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
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Not SyncedAsk anybody I've ever dated.
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Not SyncedBut I'm getting better.
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Not SyncedAnd I follow what like to call
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Not Synced'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."
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Not SyncedNow, please,
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Not Syncedview this through gay-colored lenses,
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Not Syncedbut know,
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Not Syncedwhat it takes to come out of any closet,
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Not Syncedis essentially the same.
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Not SyncedNumber One:
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Not SyncedBe Authentic,
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Not Syncedtake the armor off, be yourself.
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Not SyncedThat kid in the café
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Not Syncedhad no armor,
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Not Syncedbut I was ready for battle.
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Not SyncedStupid hypothalamus.
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Not SyncedIf you want someone to be real with you,
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Not Syncedthey need to know that you bleed too.
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Not SyncedNumber Two:
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Not SyncedBe Direct,
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Not SyncedYou say it, rip the bandaid off.
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Not SyncedIf you know you are gay,
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Not Syncedjust say it.
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Not SyncedIf you tell your parents you might be gay,
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Not Syncedthey will hold that hope that this will change.
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Not SyncedDo not give them
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Not Syncedthat sense of false hope.
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Not SyncedAnd Number Three,
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Not Syncedand most important:
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Not Synced[laughter]
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Not SyncedBe Unapologetic.
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Not SyncedYou are speaking your truth.
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Not SyncedNever apologize for that.
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Not SyncedAnd some folks might have gotten hurt along the way.
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Not SyncedSo sure.
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Not SyncedApologize for what you've done.
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Not SyncedBut never apologize for who you are.
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Not SyncedAnd yeah, some folks may be disappointed.
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Not SyncedBut that is on them.
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Not SyncedNot on you.
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Not SyncedThose are their expectations of who you are,
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Not Syncednot yours.
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Not SyncedThat is their story.
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Not SyncedNot yours.
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Not SyncedThe only story that matters
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Not Syncedis the one that you want to write.
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Not SyncedSo the next time you find yourself
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Not Syncedin a pitchblack closet
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Not Syncedclutching your grenade,
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Not Syncedknow that we've all been there before.
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Not SyncedAnd you may feel so very alone,
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Not Syncedbut you are not.
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Not SyncedAnd we know it's hard,
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Not Syncedbut we need you out here,
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Not Syncedno matter what your walls are made of.
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Not SyncedBecause I guarantee you
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Not Syncedthere are others peering through the keyhole
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Not Syncedof their closet
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Not Syncedlooking for the next brave soul
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Not Syncedto bust a door open
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Not Syncedso BE that person,
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Not Syncedand show the world that we are bigger than our closets,
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Not Syncedand that a closet is no place
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Not Syncedfor a person to truly live.
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Not SyncedThank you Boulder, enjoy your night.
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Not Synced[Cheers]
- Title:
- Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder
- Description:
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Ash discusses the current state of homophobia in our culture challenging even the word "homophobia" itself. There is no fear, just loathing. Hating things we don't understand, people we don't know or anything that is different than our day to day. "Homophobic" people are not scared of anything. We all have a responsibility to live our lives as active activists not passive ones when it comes to protecting our fellow humans from hate of any kind.
Videography credits
Jenn Calaway, Enhancer
Michael Hering, Lodo Cinema
Sarah Megyesy, Side Pocket Images
Satya Peram, Flatirons Films
Sean Williams, RMO Films
Anthony Lopez, Cross Beyond
David Oakley - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 10:57
Elisabeth Buffard approved English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
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Ivana Korom commented on English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Mel Teruz commented on English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
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Ivana Korom approved English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder |
Ivana Korom
Hi. I'm returning this transcript for improvement. Please edit the talk description, according to the guidelines. http://translations.ted.org/wiki/How_to_Tackle_a_Transcript#Title_and_description_standard //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Please break lines, as some are too long in the new editor, you can see the character length of each subtitle, as well as its reading speed (characters/second). For languages based on the Latin alphabet, the maximum subtitle length is 84 characters (subtitles over 42 characters need to be broken into two lines). The maximum reading speed should be less than 22 characters per second. You can access the new editor by clicking "Beta: Save and open in new editor" after opening the task in the old interface. To learn more about line length, line breaking and reading speed, watch this tutorial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvNQoD32Qqo
Mel Teruz
Hi Ivana, I can't edit the title and description because the spanish version "needs approval". We will have to wait until that's done.
Ivana Korom
Hi Mel, the task was actually returned to the reviewer of the original transcript. And in this case, English is original, and itćs the other way around - Spanish cannot be edited until English is approved, but English can and should be improved.