Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder
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0:13 - 0:15I am going to talk to you tonight
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0:15 - 0:16about coming out of the closet.
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0:16 - 0:18And not in the traditional sense,
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0:18 - 0:19not just the "gay" closet.
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0:20 - 0:21I think we all have closets,
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0:22 - 0:24your closet may be telling someone
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0:24 - 0:26you love her for the first time.
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0:26 - 0:28Or telling someone you're pregnant.
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0:28 - 0:30Or telling someone you have cancer.
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0:30 - 0:33Or any of the other hard conversations
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0:33 - 0:35we have throughout our lives.
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0:35 - 0:38All the closet is,
is a hard conversation. -
0:39 - 0:42And although our topics
may vary tremendously, -
0:42 - 0:45the experience of being in
and coming out of the closet -
0:45 - 0:46is universal.
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0:47 - 0:49It is scary, and we hate it,
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0:50 - 0:52and it needs to be done.
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0:53 - 0:56Several years ago, I was working
at the Southside Walnut Café, -
0:56 - 0:58(Laughter)
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0:58 - 1:00a local diner in town,
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1:00 - 1:01and during my time there,
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1:01 - 1:05I would go through phases
of militant, lesbian, intensity. -
1:05 - 1:06(Laughter)
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1:06 - 1:08Not shaving my armpits,
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1:08 - 1:10quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel,
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1:11 - 1:14and depending on the bagginess
of my cargo shorts, -
1:14 - 1:16and how recently I'd shaved my head,
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1:16 - 1:18the question would often
be sprung on me, -
1:18 - 1:19usually by a little kid:
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1:20 - 1:24"Mmmm, are you a boy,
or are you a girl?" -
1:25 - 1:27And there would be
an awkward silence at the table, -
1:28 - 1:30I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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1:30 - 1:32hold my coffee pot
with a little more vengeance, -
1:33 - 1:36the Dad would awkwardly
shuffle his newspaper, -
1:36 - 1:38and the Mom would shoot
a chilling stare at her kid. -
1:39 - 1:40But I would say nothing,
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1:40 - 1:42and I would seethe inside.
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1:42 - 1:44And it got to the point that everytime
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1:44 - 1:45I walked up to a table that had a kid
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1:45 - 1:46anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,
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1:46 - 1:48I was ready to fight.
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1:48 - 1:50(Laughter)
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1:50 - 1:51And that is a terrible feeling.
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1:51 - 1:53So I promised myself
that the next time, -
1:53 - 1:55I would say something.
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1:56 - 1:58I would have that hard conversation.
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1:58 - 2:00So within a matter of weeks,
it happens again: -
2:00 - 2:03"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"
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2:03 - 2:05Familiar silence.
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2:05 - 2:06But this time, I am ready.
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2:06 - 2:11And I am about to go
all Woman Studies 101 on this table. -
2:11 - 2:13(Laughter)
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2:13 - 2:15I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,
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2:15 - 2:17I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes,
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2:17 - 2:20I even got this little bit from
Vagina Monologues I'm gonna do, -
2:20 - 2:23so I take a deep breath,
and I look down, -
2:24 - 2:25and staring back at me
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2:25 - 2:27is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.
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2:28 - 2:30Not a challenge to a feminist duel,
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2:30 - 2:32just a kid, with a question:
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2:33 - 2:35"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"
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2:35 - 2:37So I take another deep breath,
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2:37 - 2:38squat down next to her and say:
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2:38 - 2:41"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,
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2:41 - 2:42my hair is short like a boy's,
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2:42 - 2:43and I wear boys' clothes,
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2:43 - 2:44but I'm a girl
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2:44 - 2:46and you know how sometimes
you like to wear a pink dress, -
2:46 - 2:49and sometimes you like
to wear your comfie jammies, -
2:49 - 2:51well, I'm more of
a comfie jammies kind of a girl." -
2:52 - 2:53(Laughter)
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2:53 - 2:55And this kid looks me dead in the eye
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2:55 - 2:56without missing a beat and says:
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2:56 - 2:58"My favorite pajamas are purple
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2:58 - 3:00with fish, can I get a pancake please?"
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3:00 - 3:02(Laughter)
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3:02 - 3:04And that was it, just:
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3:04 - 3:07"Oh, OK, you're a girl.
How 'bout that pancake?" -
3:07 - 3:09(Laughter)
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3:09 - 3:13It was the easiest hard conversation
I have ever had. -
3:13 - 3:15And why?
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3:15 - 3:16Because Pancake Girl and I,
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3:16 - 3:18we were both real with each other.
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3:19 - 3:21So, like many of us,
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3:21 - 3:23I've lived in a few closets in my life,
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3:23 - 3:26and yeah, most often,
my walls happen to be rainbow. -
3:26 - 3:28But inside, in the dark,
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3:28 - 3:30you can't tell what color the walls are.
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3:30 - 3:32You just know what it feels like
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3:32 - 3:33to live in a closet.
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3:34 - 3:37So really, my closet
is no different than yours, -
3:37 - 3:38or yours,
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3:39 - 3:40or yours.
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3:41 - 3:42Sure, I can give you 100 reasons
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3:42 - 3:43why coming out of my closet
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3:43 - 3:44was harder than coming out of yours,
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3:44 - 3:45but here's the thing,
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3:45 - 3:46hard is not relative,
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3:46 - 3:48hard is hard.
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3:49 - 3:50Who can tell me
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3:50 - 3:51that explaining to someone
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3:51 - 3:53you've just declared bankrupcy
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3:53 - 3:54is harder than telling someone
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3:54 - 3:55when you just cheated on them.
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3:55 - 3:56Who can tell me
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3:56 - 3:57that his coming out story
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3:57 - 3:59is harder than telling your 5-year old
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3:59 - 4:00you're getting a divorce.
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4:00 - 4:01There is no "harder",
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4:01 - 4:03there is just "hard."
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4:04 - 4:06We need to stop ranking our "hard"
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4:06 - 4:07against everybody else's "hard"
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4:07 - 4:09to make us feel better
or worse about our closet -
4:09 - 4:11and just commiserate on the fact
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4:11 - 4:13that we all have "hard."
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4:14 - 4:15At some point in our lives,
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4:15 - 4:17we all live in closets,
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4:17 - 4:18and they may feel safe.
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4:19 - 4:21Or at least, safer than what lies
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4:21 - 4:22on the other side of that door.
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4:22 - 4:23But I'm here to tell you,
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4:24 - 4:26no matter what your walls are made of,
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4:26 - 4:29a closet is no place
for a person to live. -
4:30 - 4:31(Cheers)
(Applause) -
4:31 - 4:32Thanks.
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4:34 - 4:36So why is coming out of any closet,
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4:36 - 4:38why is having that conversation,
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4:38 - 4:39why is it so hard?
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4:40 - 4:42Because they're stressful.
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4:42 - 4:44We're so concerned about the reaction
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4:44 - 4:46of the other person, and understandably.
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4:46 - 4:48Will they be angry?
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4:48 - 4:48Sad?
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4:48 - 4:49Disappointed?
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4:50 - 4:51Will we loose a friend?
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4:51 - 4:52A parent?
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4:52 - 4:52A lover?
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4:52 - 4:54These conversations cause stress.
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4:55 - 4:56So let's kick out
on stress for a minute. -
4:57 - 4:59Stress is a natural reaction
in your body. -
5:00 - 5:02When you encounter a perceived threat,
-
5:02 - 5:03-- keyword, "perceived" --
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5:03 - 5:06your hypothalamus sounds the alarm,
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5:06 - 5:07and adrenaline and cortisol
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5:07 - 5:09start coursing through your veins.
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5:09 - 5:10This is known as
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5:10 - 5:13Fight or Flight.
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5:13 - 5:14Sometimes you rumble,
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5:14 - 5:15sometimes you run.
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5:15 - 5:17And this is a totally normal reaction.
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5:17 - 5:19And, comes from a time
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5:19 - 5:22when that threat was
being chased by a wooly mammoth. -
5:23 - 5:24The problem is
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5:24 - 5:26your hypothalamus has no idea
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5:26 - 5:28if you're being chased
by a wooly mammoth, -
5:28 - 5:29or if your computer just crashed,
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5:29 - 5:31or if your in-laws just showed up
on your doorsteps, -
5:31 - 5:33or if you're about
to jump out of a plane, -
5:33 - 5:34or if you need to tell someone you love
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5:34 - 5:36that you have a brain tumor.
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5:36 - 5:37The difference is
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5:38 - 5:40the wooly mammoth
chases you for, what, -
5:40 - 5:41maybe 10 minutes.
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5:41 - 5:43Not having those hard conversations,
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5:43 - 5:44that can go on for years,
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5:44 - 5:48and your body just can't handle that.
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5:48 - 5:51Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol
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5:51 - 5:53disrupts almost every system in your body
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5:53 - 5:55and can lead to anxiety,
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5:55 - 5:57depression, heart disease,
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5:57 - 5:58just to name a few.
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5:58 - 6:00When you do not have hard conversations,
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6:01 - 6:03when you keep the truth about yourself a secret,
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6:03 - 6:06you're essentially holding a grenade.
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6:07 - 6:09So, imagine yourself
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6:09 - 6:1020 years ago.
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6:11 - 6:12Me,
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6:13 - 6:15I had a pony tail,
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6:15 - 6:16a strapless dress,
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6:16 - 6:17and high heel shoes.
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6:17 - 6:20I was not the militant lesbian
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6:20 - 6:22ready to fight any 4-year old
that walked into the café. -
6:22 - 6:24(Laughter)
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6:24 - 6:25I was frozen by fear,
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6:26 - 6:27curled up in a corner
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6:27 - 6:29of my pitch-black closet,
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6:29 - 6:31clutching my gay grenade.
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6:32 - 6:33And moving one muscle
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6:33 - 6:35is the scariest thing
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6:35 - 6:37I have ever done.
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6:38 - 6:39My family,
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6:39 - 6:40my friends,
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6:40 - 6:40complete strangers,
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6:40 - 6:42I had spent my entire life
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6:42 - 6:43trying to not disappoint these people.
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6:43 - 6:46And now, I was turning
the world upside down. -
6:46 - 6:48On purpose.
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6:49 - 6:50I was burning the pages of the script
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6:50 - 6:52we had all followed for so long,
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6:52 - 6:54but if you do not throw that grenade,
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6:54 - 6:55it will kill you.
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6:56 - 6:58One of my most memorable grenade-tosses
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6:58 - 7:00was at my sister's wedding.
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7:00 - 7:03(Laughter)
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7:03 - 7:05It was the first time
that many on attendance -
7:05 - 7:06knew that I was gay.
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7:06 - 7:08So in doing my Maid of Honor duties,
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7:08 - 7:10in my black dress and heels,
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7:11 - 7:12I walked around the tables,
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7:12 - 7:14and finally landed at the table
of my parents' friends, -
7:14 - 7:16folks that had known me for years.
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7:17 - 7:19And after a little small talk,
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7:19 - 7:20one of the women shouted out:
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7:20 - 7:22"I love Nathan Lane!"
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7:23 - 7:25And the battle of gay relatebility
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7:25 - 7:26had begun.
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7:26 - 7:28"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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7:28 - 7:30"Well, yeah, actually,
we have friends in San Francisco." -
7:30 - 7:31"We've never been there,
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7:31 - 7:33but we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"
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7:33 - 7:35"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,
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7:35 - 7:38he's really good, and
he's never talked about a girlfriend." -
7:38 - 7:40"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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7:40 - 7:42Our favorite TV show:
favorite, Will and Grace, -
7:42 - 7:43you know who we love? Jack.
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7:43 - 7:45Jack is our favorite."
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7:45 - 7:47And then one woman,
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7:47 - 7:48stumped,
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7:48 - 7:50but wanting so desperately
to show her support, -
7:50 - 7:53to let me know she was on my side,
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7:53 - 7:54she finally blurted out:
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7:54 - 7:58"Well, sometimes my husband
wears pink shirts." -
7:58 - 8:01(Laughter)
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8:01 - 8:02And I had a choice in that moment,
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8:02 - 8:04as all grenade-throwers do.
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8:05 - 8:06I could go back to my girlfriend,
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8:06 - 8:08and my gay-loving table,
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8:08 - 8:10and mock their responses.
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8:10 - 8:12Chastise their unworldliness,
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8:12 - 8:13and their inability to jump through
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8:13 - 8:14the politically-correct gay hoops
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8:14 - 8:15I had brought with me,
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8:15 - 8:16or,
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8:17 - 8:18I could empatize with them,
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8:18 - 8:19and realize that that was maybe
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8:19 - 8:21one of the hardest things
that they had ever done. -
8:22 - 8:23That starting,
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8:23 - 8:25and having that conversation,
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8:25 - 8:28was them coming out of their closets.
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8:28 - 8:29Sure, it would have been easy
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8:29 - 8:31to point out where they fell short.
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8:31 - 8:32It's a lot harder
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8:32 - 8:33to meet them where they are,
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8:33 - 8:34and acknowledge the fact that
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8:34 - 8:35they were trying,
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8:35 - 8:38and what else can you ask someone to do,
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8:38 - 8:39but try.
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8:40 - 8:42If you're going to be real with someone,
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8:42 - 8:44you've got to be ready
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8:44 - 8:45for real in return.
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8:46 - 8:49So, hard conversations
are still not my strong suit. -
8:49 - 8:51Ask anybody I've ever dated.
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8:51 - 8:53But I'm getting better.
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8:53 - 8:54And I follow what I like to call
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8:55 - 8:56'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."
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8:56 - 8:57Now, please,
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8:58 - 9:00view this through gay-colored lenses,
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9:00 - 9:01but know,
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9:01 - 9:03what it takes to come out of any closet,
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9:03 - 9:04is essentially the same.
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9:05 - 9:06Number One:
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9:07 - 9:08Be Authentic,
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9:08 - 9:09take the armor off, be yourself.
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9:09 - 9:10That kid in the café
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9:10 - 9:11had no armor,
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9:11 - 9:13but I was ready for battle.
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9:13 - 9:15Stupid hypothalamus.
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9:16 - 9:18If you want someone to be real with you,
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9:18 - 9:21they need to know that you bleed too.
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9:21 - 9:22Number Two:
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9:22 - 9:23Be Direct,
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9:23 - 9:24You say it, rip the bandaid off.
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9:24 - 9:25If you know you are gay,
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9:25 - 9:26just say it.
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9:27 - 9:29If you tell your parents
you might be gay, -
9:29 - 9:30they will hold that hope
that this will change. -
9:30 - 9:31Do not give them
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9:31 - 9:33that sense of false hope.
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9:33 - 9:35(Laughter)
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9:35 - 9:36And Number Three,
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9:36 - 9:38and most important:
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9:38 - 9:42(Laughter)
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9:42 - 9:44Be Unapologetic.
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9:46 - 9:48You are speaking your truth.
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9:48 - 9:51Never apologize for that.
-
9:52 - 9:54And some folks might
have gotten hurt along the way. -
9:54 - 9:55So sure.
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9:55 - 9:57Apologize for what you've done.
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9:57 - 10:00But never apologize for who you are.
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10:01 - 10:03And yeah, some folks
may be disappointed. -
10:03 - 10:04But that is on them.
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10:05 - 10:06Not on you.
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10:06 - 10:08Those are their expectations
of who you are, -
10:08 - 10:09not yours.
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10:09 - 10:10That is their story.
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10:10 - 10:12Not yours.
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10:13 - 10:15The only story that matters
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10:15 - 10:17is the one that you want to write.
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10:17 - 10:19So the next time you find yourself
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10:19 - 10:21in a pitchblack closet
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10:21 - 10:22clutching your grenade,
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10:22 - 10:24know that we've all been there before.
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10:24 - 10:26And you may feel so very alone,
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10:26 - 10:27but you are not.
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10:28 - 10:29And we know it's hard,
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10:29 - 10:31but we need you out here,
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10:32 - 10:34no matter what your walls are made of.
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10:34 - 10:36Because I guarantee you
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10:36 - 10:37there are others
peering through the keyhole -
10:37 - 10:38of their closet
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10:38 - 10:39looking for the next brave soul
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10:39 - 10:40to bust a door open
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10:40 - 10:42so BE that person,
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10:43 - 10:45and show the world that
we are bigger than our closets, -
10:45 - 10:47and that a closet is no place
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10:47 - 10:50for a person to truly live.
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10:51 - 10:53Thank you Boulder, enjoy your night.
-
10:53 - 10:57(Cheers)
(Applause)
- Title:
- Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder
- Description:
-
Ash discusses the current state of homophobia in our culture, challenging even the word "homophobia" itself. There is no fear, just loathing. Hating things we don't understand, people we don't know or anything that is different than our day to day life. "Homophobic" people are not scared of anything. We all have a responsibility to live our lives as active activists, not passive ones, when it comes to protecting our fellow humans from hate of any kind.
Videography credits
Jenn Calaway, Enhancer
Michael Hering, Lodo Cinema
Sarah Megyesy, Side Pocket Images
Satya Peram, Flatirons Films
Sean Williams, RMO Films
Anthony Lopez, Cross Beyond
David Oakley - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 10:57
Elisabeth Buffard approved English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Elisabeth Buffard accepted English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Elisabeth Buffard edited English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Elisabeth Buffard edited English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Ivana Korom commented on English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Mel Teruz commented on English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Ivana Korom rejected English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder | ||
Ivana Korom approved English subtitles for Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder |
Ivana Korom
Hi. I'm returning this transcript for improvement. Please edit the talk description, according to the guidelines. http://translations.ted.org/wiki/How_to_Tackle_a_Transcript#Title_and_description_standard //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Please break lines, as some are too long in the new editor, you can see the character length of each subtitle, as well as its reading speed (characters/second). For languages based on the Latin alphabet, the maximum subtitle length is 84 characters (subtitles over 42 characters need to be broken into two lines). The maximum reading speed should be less than 22 characters per second. You can access the new editor by clicking "Beta: Save and open in new editor" after opening the task in the old interface. To learn more about line length, line breaking and reading speed, watch this tutorial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvNQoD32Qqo
Mel Teruz
Hi Ivana, I can't edit the title and description because the spanish version "needs approval". We will have to wait until that's done.
Ivana Korom
Hi Mel, the task was actually returned to the reviewer of the original transcript. And in this case, English is original, and itćs the other way around - Spanish cannot be edited until English is approved, but English can and should be improved.