Coming out of your closet: Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder

Ash discusses the current state of homophobia in our culture challenging even the word "homophobia" itself. There is no fear, just loathing. Hating things we don't understand, people we don't know or anything that is different than our day to day. "Homophobic" people are not scared of anything. We all have a responsibility to live our lives as active activists not passive ones when it comes to protecting our fellow humans from hate of any kind.

Videography credits
Jenn Calaway, Enhancer
Michael Hering, Lodo Cinema
Sarah Megyesy, Side Pocket Images
Satya Peram, Flatirons Films
Sean Williams, RMO Films
Anthony Lopez, Cross Beyond
David Oakley

I am going to talk to you tonight

about coming out of the closet.

and not in the traditional sense,

not just the "gay" closet.

I think we all have closets

your closet may be telling someone

you love her for the first time.

Or telling someone you're pregnant.

Or telling someone you have cancer.

Or any of the other hard conversations we have

throughout our lives.

All the closet is, is a hard conversation.

And although our topics may vary tremendously,

the experience of being in and coming out of the closet

is universal.

It is scary, and we hate it,

and it needs to be done.

Several years ago, I was working at the Southside Walnut Café,

a local diner in town,

and during my time there,

I would go through phases of militant, lesbian, intensity.

Not shaving my armpits,

quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel

and depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts,

and how recently i'd shaved my head,

the question was often sprung on me

usually by a little kid:

"Mmmm, are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

And there would be an awkward silence at the table,

I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,

hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance,

the Dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper,

and the Mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.

But I would say nothing,

and I would seethe inside.

And it got to the point that everytime

I walked up to a table that had a kid

anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

I was ready to fight.

And that is a terrible feeling.

So I promised myself that the next time

I would say something.

I would have that hard conversation.

So in a matter of weeks, it happens again:

"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

Familiar silence.

But this time, I am ready.

And I am about to go all Woman Studies 101 on this table.

I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,

I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes

I even got this little bit from Vagina Monologue

I'm gonna do,

so I take a deep breath, and i look down,

and staring back at me

is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.

Not a challenge to a feminist duel,

just a kid, with a question:

"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

So I take another deep breath,

squat down next to her and say:

Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,

my hair is short like a boy's,

and I wear boys' clothes,

but I'm a girl

and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,

and sometimes you like to wear your comfie jammies,

well, I'm more of a comfie jammies kind of a girl.

And this kid looks me dead in the eye

without missing a beat and says:

"My favorite pajamas are purple

with fish, can I get a pancake please?"

And that was it, just:

"Oh, OK, you're a girl. How 'bout that pancake?"

It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had.

And why?

Because Pancake Girl and I

we were both real with each other.

So, like many of us,

I've lived in a few closets in my life,

and yeah, most often, my walls happen to be rainbow.

But inside, in the dark,