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I am going to talk to you tonight

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about coming out of the closet.

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and not in the traditional sense,

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not just the "gay" closet.

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I think we all have closets

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your closet may be telling someone

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you love her for the first time.

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Or telling someone you're pregnant.

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Or telling someone you have cancer.

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Or any of the other hard conversations we have

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throughout our lives.

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All the closet is, is a hard conversation.

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And although our topics may vary tremendously,

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the experience of being in and coming out of the closet

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is universal.

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It is scary, and we hate it,

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and it needs to be done.

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Several years ago, I was working at the Southside Walnut Café,

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a local diner in town,

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and during my time there,

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I would go through phases of militant, lesbian, intensity.

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Not shaving my armpits,

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quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel

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and depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts,

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and how recently i'd shaved my head,

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the question was often sprung on me

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usually by a little kid:

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"Mmmm, are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

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And there would be an awkward silence at the table,

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I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,

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hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance,

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the Dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper,

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and the Mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.

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But I would say nothing,

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and I would seethe inside.

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And it got to the point that everytime

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I walked up to a table that had a kid

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anywhere between 3 and 10 years old,

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I was ready to fight.

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And that is a terrible feeling.

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So I promised myself that the next time

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I would say something.

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I would have that hard conversation.

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So in a matter of weeks, it happens again:

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"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

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Familiar silence.

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But this time, I am ready.

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And I am about to go all Woman Studies 101 on this table.

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I've got my Betty Friedan quotes,

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I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes

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I even got this little bit from Vagina Monologue

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I'm gonna do,

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so I take a deep breath, and i look down,

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and staring back at me

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is a 4-year old girl in a pink dress.

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Not a challenge to a feminist duel,

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just a kid, with a question:

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"Are you a boy, or are you a girl?"

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So I take another deep breath,

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squat down next to her and say:

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Hey, I know it's kind of confusing,

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my hair is short like a boy's,

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and I wear boys' clothes,

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but I'm a girl

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and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress,

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and sometimes you like to wear your comfie jammies,

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well, I'm more of a comfie jammies kind of a girl.

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And this kid looks me dead in the eye

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without missing a beat and says:

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"My favorite pajamas are purple

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with fish, can I get a pancake please?"

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And that was it, just:

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"Oh, OK, you're a girl. How 'bout that pancake?"

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It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had.

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And why?

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Because Pancake Girl and I

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we were both real with each other.

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So, like many of us,

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I've lived in a few closets in my life,

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and yeah, most often, my walls happen to be rainbow.

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But inside, in the dark,

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you can't tell what color the walls are.

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You just know what it feels like

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to live in a closet.

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So really, my closet is no different than yours,

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or yours,

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or yours.

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Sure, I can give you 100 reasons why

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coming out of my closet was harder

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than coming out of yours,

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but here's the thing,

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hard is not relative,

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hard is hard.

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Who can tell me

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that explaining to someone

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that you've just declared bankrupcy

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is harder than telling someone

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you cheated on them.

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Who can tell me

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that his coming out story

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is harder than telling your 5-year old

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you're getting a divorce.

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There is no "harder:,

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there is just "hard."

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We need to stop ranking our "hard"

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oneagainst against everybody else's "hard"

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to make us feel better or worse about our closet

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and just commiserate on the fact

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that we all have "hard."

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At some point in our lives,

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we all live in closets,

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and they may feel safe.

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Or at least, safer than what lies

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on the other side of that door.

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But I'm here to tell you,

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no matter what your walls are made of,

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a closet is no place for a person to live.

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Thanks.

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So why is coming out of any closet,

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why is having that conversation,

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why is it so hard?

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Because they're stressful.

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We're so concerned about the reaction

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of the other person, and understandably.

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Will they be angry?

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Sad?

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Disappointed?

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Will we loose a friend?

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A parent?

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A lover?

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These conversations cause stress.

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So let's kick out on stress for a moment.

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Stress is a natural reaction in your body.

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When you encounter a perceived threat,

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(keyword, "perceived"),

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your hypothalamus sounds the alarm,

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and adrenalin and cortisol

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start coursing through your veins.

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This is known as

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Fight or Flight.

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Sometimes you rumble,

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Sometimes you run.

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And this is a totally normal reaction.

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And, comes from a time

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when that threat was being chased by a wooly mammoth

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The problem is

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your hypothalamus has no idea

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if you're being chased by a wooly mammoth,

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or if your computer just crashed,

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or if your in-laws just showed up on your doorsteps,

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or if you're about to jump out of an airplane,

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or if you need to tell someone you love

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that you have a brain tumor.

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The difference is

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the wooly mammoth chases you for what,

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maybe 10 minutes,

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not having those hard conversations

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that can go on for years

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Chronic exposure to adrenaline and cortisol

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disrupts almost every system in your body.

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and can lead to anxiety,

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depression, heart disease,

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just to name a few.

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When you do not have hard conversations,

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when you keep the truth about yourself a secret,

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you're essentially holding a grenade.

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So, imagine yourself

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20 years ago.

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Me,

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I had a pony tail,

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a strapless dress,

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and high heel shoes.

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I was not the militant lesbian

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ready to fight any 4-year old who walked into the café.

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I was frozen by fear,

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curled up in a corner

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of my pitch-black closet,

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clutching my gay grenade.

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And moving one muscle

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is the scariest thing

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I have ever done.

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My family,

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my friends,

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complete strangers,

185
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I had spent my entire life

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trying not to disappoint these people.

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And now, I was turning the world upside down.

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On purpose.

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I was burning the pages of the script

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we had all followed for so long,

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but if you do not throw that grenade,

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it will kill you.

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One of my most memorable grenade-tosses

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was at my sister's wedding.

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It was the 1st time that many on attendance

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knew that I was gay.

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So in doing my Maid of Honor duties,

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in my black dress and heels,

199
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I walked around the tables,

200
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and finally landed at the table of my parents' friends,

201
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folks that had known me for years.

202
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And after a little small talk,

203
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one of the women shouted out:

204
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"I love Nathan Lane!"

205
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And the battle of gay relatebility

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had begun.

207
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"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"

208
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"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."

209
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"We've never been there,

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but we hear it's 'fa-bu-lous'!!"

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"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio,

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he's really good, and he's never talked about a girlfriend."

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99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?

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Our favorite TV show: favorite, Will and Grace,

215
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you know who we love? Jack,

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Jack is our favorite."

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And then one woman,

218
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stumped,

219
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but wanting so desperately to show her support,

220
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to let me know she was on my side,

221
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she finally blurted out:

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"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."

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And I had a choice at that moment,

224
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as all grenade-throwers do.

225
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I could go back to my girlfriends,

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and my gay-loving table,

227
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and mock their responses.

228
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Chastise their unworldliness,

229
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and their inability to jump through

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the politically-correct gay hoops

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I had brought with me,

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or,

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I could empatize with them,

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and realize that that was maybe

235
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
one of the hardest things that they had ever done.

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That starting,

237
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and having that conversation,

238
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was them coming out of their closet.

239
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Sure, it would have been easy

240
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to point out where they fell short.

241
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
It's a lot harder

242
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
to meet them where they are,

243
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and acknowledge the fact that

244
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they were trying,

245
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
and what else can you ask someone to do,

246
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but try.

247
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you're going to be real with someone,

248
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
you've got to be ready

249
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
for real in return.

250
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
So, hard conversations are still not my strong suit.

251
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Ask anybody I've ever dated.

252
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
But I'm getting better.

253
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
And I follow what like to call

254
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
'The Three Pancake Girl Principles."

255
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Now, please,

256
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
view this through gay-colored lenses,

257
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
but know,

258
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
what it takes to come out of any closet,

259
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
is essentially the same.

260
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Number One:

261
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Be Authentic,

262
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
take the armor off, be yourself.

263
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
That kid in the café

264
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
had no armor,

265
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but I was ready for battle.

266
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Stupid hypothalamus.

267
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you want someone to be real with you,

268
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
they need to know that you bleed too.

269
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
Number Two:

270
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Be Direct,

271
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
You say it, rip the bandaid off.

272
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If you know you are gay,

273
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
just say it.

274
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
If you tell your parents you might be gay,

275
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they will hold that hope that this will change.

276
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Do not give them

277
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999
that sense of false hope.

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And Number Three,

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and most important:

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[laughter]

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Be Unapologetic.

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You are speaking your truth.

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Never apologize for that.

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And some folks might have gotten hurt along the way.

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So sure.

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Apologize for what you've done.

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But never apologize for who you are.

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And yeah, some folks may be disappointed.

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But that is on them.

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Not on you.

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Those are their expectations of who you are,

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not yours.

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That is their story.

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Not yours.

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The only story that matters

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is the one that you want to write.

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So the next time you find yourself

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in a pitchblack closet

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clutching your grenade,

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know that we've all been there before.

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And you may feel so very alone,

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but you are not.

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And we know it's hard,

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but we need you out here,

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no matter what your walls are made of.

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Because I guarantee you

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there are others peering through the keyhole

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of their closet

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looking for the next brave soul

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to bust a door open

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so BE that person,

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and show the world that we are bigger than our closets,

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and that a closet is no place

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for a person to truly live.

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Thank you Boulder, enjoy your night.

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[Cheers]