Overcoming rejection: when people hurt you and life isn't fair | Darryll Stinson | TEDxWileyCollege

A vision-driven change agent with a career-long record of community outreach, leadership development, marketing, and communications success for leading organizations, Mr. Darryll Stinson seeks to use rejection as a powerful tool with which we can discover our true and complete identity, based on a variety of healthy and holistic influences. Darryll’s theory is that by understanding who we are and what we are uniquely gifted and created to do, we can more healthily process the sting of rejection and turn the initial pain into strength to become a better version of ourselves.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Rejection.

Do you remember the last time
you felt rejected?

Was it a guy that never
returned a phone call?

Or a father that never came around?

Was it a boss who overlooked you
for a promotion?

Or maybe it was someone in your life
who never thought you were good enough,

no matter what you did
to try to impress them.

We all know rejection hurts.

It stings.

It makes us feel like
we're not good enough.

It causes us to question ourselves
and doubt our future.

I submit to you that rejection
isn't something we should be afraid of.

And it sure isn't something

that should make us
get discouraged, depressed,

or work unhealthy amounts of hours
just to prove to the world

that we are somebody worth loving
and paying attention to.

Rather, rejection is our friend

and not our enemy.

I'm going to share two ways
that we can see rejection

in order to leverage
those moments of pain

to be the greatest catalyst
to our success,

and proof of our value and uniqueness.

The first way that we can view rejection
is by seeing it as projection.

A psychological projection.

A psychological projection is when someone
subconsciously employs

undesirable feelings or emotions
onto someone else

rather than admitting to or dealing
with their own unwanted feelings.

When we can see how the rejections we face

may have more to do with another person's
inward turmoil and not our own value,

our lives will change.

Rather than shrink back,
get discouraged, or play it safe,

we'll move forward in life
with confidence and high esteem.

One of my most painful moments
of rejection happened

when I was in the third grade.

I wanted to be popular, to be liked,
to be loved, and to be respected.

And thankfully, I was.

I was in an advanced learning class

which meant that I was one of two
Black students in an all-white class.

And this wasn't a bad thing.

I was known as the cool, big, Black kid.

They called me Goon.

(Laughter)

I was one of the smartest kids in class,

people cheated off my test,

they laughed at my jokes,

life was great.

Until one day,

as I was returning back to class
from a bathroom break,

I noticed a group of Black students
circled together laughing hysterically.

Me, being the confident, charismatic,
outgoing guy that I was,

I decided I was going to go over to them
and get in on the jokes.

So I walked over to these students,

and I said, "Hey y'all, what's so funny?"

No one answered.

I spoke up.

"Now, what y'all over there
laughing about?"

And just as I was finishing my sentence,

one of the guys in the group turned
towards me and said,

"You're what's funny, white boy."

The crowd erupted in laughter,

and I, feeling embarrassed,
ashamed, and rejected,

returned to my class to soon learn
that I was known in our school

as the Black kid
that talks and acts white.

I allowed that moment of rejection

to diminish my confidence
and my self-esteem.

Rather than celebrate my own uniqueness,

I began a long journey
of changing who I was

to fit in with this Black community.

I mean, I changed the way that I dressed,

the way that I talked,

the music I listened to.

I even changed the way that I laughed.

I started skipping school, selling drugs,
and making poor decisions -

all because I wanted to gain
their approval and their acceptance.

And you know what?

It worked.

They accepted me. They embraced me.

I got street cred.

But deep down inside,
I knew it wasn't me who they accepted.

It was who I was pretending to be.

And the more they adored
this false version of me,

the more rejected the real me
felt the entire time.

You see, I didn't understand
that sometimes rejection is projection.

A projection of someone's own
fears and insecurities

onto another person.

Those students who made fun of me
were deeply insecure.

They were unsure of themselves.

They were afraid to do anything

outside of what their peers
thought was acceptable.

And because they didn't know
how to be their unique selves,

they projected their fears
and insecurities onto me

in the form of mockery and jokes.

Because sometimes,
talking bad about others

makes people feel better
about themselves.

If I would've been able to see
their rejection as projection,

I would've never taken
their jokes personally.

I wouldn't have wasted years of my life

trying to earn their approval
and their acceptance.

I would've stayed true to who I was,

and I probably would've felt more sorry
for them than I was for myself.

And I believe that properly
handling rejection

is a crucial component to ending
the rising anxiety, depression,

and suicide rates in our nation and world.

In fact, one study from the "Oxford
Handbook of Social Exclusions"

stated that rejection is both a cause
and a consequence of depression.

I mean think about it.

Have you ever felt down
after you got rejected?

Maybe it was a group of co-workers

who invited everyone out
for drinks after work except for you.

Or what about people who won't invest
their money into your vision and dream?

Those are situations that cause people
to dislike themselves,

give up, gain a ton of weight from
emotional eating,

and binge-watch Netflix.

But I've learned that we
don't have to allow rejection

to make us do that crazy stuff.

We can leverage our moments of rejections
to produce confidence and success.

I did.

Once I discovered that the rejection
I faced in the third grade

was actually a projection
of those students' own issues,

I was able to see the beauty
in my own difference.

Honestly, they had
something right about me.

I was the Black kid that talked
and acted white.

And I still am.

Being the Black kid that talks
and acts white has enabled me

to be versatile as a speaker

and work with people
from all different walks of life.

I can speak to gang members in the street,

and I can speak to executives
in the board room.

I can help addicts live free
from addiction,

and I can coach elite athletes
to discover their purpose beyond sports.

The very thing that made them reject me

has become a crucial
component to my success.

It has made me effective
at helping others,

and it's all because I learned
to see rejection as projection,

and figured out how to use it for my good.

The second way that we can see rejection
is by viewing it as protection.

Protection from something or someone

that isn't meant
to be in our lives anymore.

I learned this lesson after life rejected
my dreams of playing in the NFL.

I went to Central Michigan University
on a full-ride scholarship

to play Division I football.

Sports was the way that I was going
to become rich and famous,

so that I could buy my parents a house
and get all of my family out of poverty.

I had so many coaches
and players who told me

that because of my height,
my speed, and my athleticism,

that there was no doubt
that I would one day play in the NFL.

Unfortunately, I ruptured a disc
in my back my freshman year,

and this injury ended my college career.

Life had rejected
all that hard work I put in.

Rather than view my sports injury
as protection from a career path

that wasn't the best for me,

I took it personal.

I felt like life hated me
and spit in my face.

I felt like the universe despised me

and that my value was pretty much nothing
without the sport that I loved

or the recognition that I got
from being an athlete.

Rather than let sports go,

I did something terrible in an attempt
to keep my athlete dreams alive.

I signed a liability waiver

and rehabilitated my body to once
again play Division I football.

I put my body through two years
of drug addiction,

pain, and sleepless nights,

because I couldn't face life
on life's terms.

No matter how many painkillers I took,

or how many epidural shots
I got in my back,

I couldn't avoid the reality
that my career was finished.

Nothing I did to avoid
that rejection was working.

I was so afraid to face rejection

because I felt like it meant
that I had no value and no future.

I figured that since life
completely rejected me

and all the hard work that I put in
to become a professional athlete,

that I didn't just fail, but rather,
that I was a failure.

This belief that I was a failure

drove me into one of the darkest
depressions of my life.

I became suicidal

because I thought
it would be better to end my life

than to deal with another
painful moment of rejection.

And so I would swallow
whole bottles of pills

in hopes that I wouldn't
wake up the next day.

I would get drunk
and take a bunch of drugs

and get in the car and drive hoping
that a car accident would end it all.

It got so bad that I tried
to starve myself,

and I went from 275 pounds
to 219 pounds in four weeks.

That's all because I didn't understand
how to handle rejection.

All these attempts at suicide
landed me in the psychiatric unit

in Detroit, Michigan.

And it was there that I had
a life-changing experience

that gave me hope, and purpose,

and helped me to believe that maybe
the rejection I was experiencing

was protection from a future
that wasn't the best for me.

And that maybe there was a career
and a life out there for me

that was far better
than what I had envisioned.

So I spent the next few years
researching everything

I could find on purpose and meaning.

I read books.

I took online courses.

I interviewed people.

I prayed. I meditated.

I even watched a bunch of TEDx talks.

(Laughter)

I started to develop new skills
and explore new interests.

You know what?

Over time, I built a life that I loved

and even enjoyed more
than my life as an athlete.

And I would've never been able to do that

if it wasn't for life
completely rejecting,

or should I say, protecting me,
from becoming a professional athlete.

And I believe that the world
needs to have the same perspective shift

that I had when
I was in the psychiatric unit.

Rather than internalize rejection
to mean that we're less valuable

or that our future is unsure,

we should view it as protection
from something

or someone that isn't meant
to be in our lives anymore.

Imagine what would happen

if we stopped viewing rejection
as a negative, humiliating force,

and we started viewing rejection
as a necessary development tool

and a catalyst for massive success.

When I look at people who I admire
that have been highly successful in life,

I can't help but to notice how
they've overcome rejections they face.

It causes me to wonder if they
would've ever become who they were

if it wasn't for how they leveraged
their moments of rejection.

I mean,

I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr.
would've ever become a great leader

if it wasn't for the rejection
he experienced

from his message and his mission.

I wonder if Michael Jordan
would've ever developed the drive

to become one of the greatest
basketball players of all time,

if it wasn't for being rejected
by his coach in high school.

I wonder if Apple would be one
of the largest tech companies

in the world if it wasn't for Steve Jobs
being rejected by his own company.

More importantly though,

I wonder what your life would look like

if you went back
to your moments of rejection,

and rather than cry,

get angry, or bitter,

you analyze those moments,

and reframe them
as protection or projection.

I wonder if buried beneath your pain
and unfortunate circumstances

is treasure that you could cash in.

I wonder if you'd find keys
that would unlock new paths in life

that are far beyond
what you can think or imagine.

I wonder if the next level of your success

is locked beneath your most painful
moment of rejection.

I started by asking you when
was the last time you felt rejected?

Was it a boss?

An ex-spouse? A parent?

A friend? Or just bad luck?

And I'll end by asking you,

"What are you going to do with it?"

Thank you.

You've been awesome.

(Applause)

(Cheers)