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Rejection.

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Do you remember the last time
you felt rejected?

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Was it a guy that never
returned a phone call?

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Or a father that never came around?

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Was it a boss who overlooked you
for a promotion?

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Or maybe it was someone in your life
who never thought you were good enough,

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no matter what you did
to try to impress them.

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We all know rejection hurts.

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It stings.

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It makes us feel like
we're not good enough.

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It causes us to question ourselves
and doubt our future.

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I submit to you that rejection
isn't something we should be afraid of.

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And it sure isn't something

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that should make us
get discouraged, depressed,

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or work unhealthy amounts of hours
just to prove to the world

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that we are somebody worth loving
and paying attention to.

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Rather, rejection is our friend

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and not our enemy.

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I'm going to share two ways
that we can see rejection

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in order to leverage
those moments of pain

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to be the greatest catalyst
to our success,

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and proof of our value and uniqueness.

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The first way that we can view rejection
is by seeing it as projection.

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A psychological projection.

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A psychological projection is when someone
subconsciously employs

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undesirable feelings or emotions
onto someone else

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rather than admitting to or dealing
with their own unwanted feelings.

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When we can see how the rejections we face

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may have more to do with another person's
inward turmoil and not our own value,

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our lives will change.

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Rather than shrink back,
get discouraged, or play it safe,

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we'll move forward in life
with confidence and high esteem.

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One of my most painful moments
of rejection happened

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when I was in the third grade.

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I wanted to be popular, to be liked,
to be loved, and to be respected.

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And thankfully, I was.

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I was in an advanced learning class

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which meant that I was one of two
Black students in an all-white class.

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And this wasn't a bad thing.

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I was known as the cool, big, Black kid.

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They called me Goon.

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(Laughter)

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I was one of the smartest kids in class,

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people cheated off my test,

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they laughed at my jokes,

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life was great.

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Until one day,

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as I was returning back to class 
from a bathroom break,

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I noticed a group of Black students
circled together laughing hysterically.

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Me, being the confident, charismatic,
outgoing guy that I was,

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I decided I was going to go over to them
and get in on the jokes.

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So I walked over to these students,

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and I said, "Hey y'all, what's so funny?"

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No one answered.

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I spoke up.

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"Now, what y'all over there
laughing about?"

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And just as I was finishing my sentence,

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one of the guys in the group turned
towards me and said,

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"You're what's funny, white boy."

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The crowd erupted in laughter,

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and I, feeling embarrassed,
ashamed, and rejected,

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returned to my class to soon learn
that I was known in our school

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as the Black kid
that talks and acts white.

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I allowed that moment of rejection

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to diminish my confidence
and my self-esteem.

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Rather than celebrate my own uniqueness,

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I began a long journey
of changing who I was

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to fit in with this Black community.

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I mean, I changed the way that I dressed,

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the way that I talked,

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the music I listened to.

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I even changed the way that I laughed.

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I started skipping school, selling drugs,
and making poor decisions -

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all because I wanted to gain
their approval and their acceptance.

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And you know what?

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It worked.

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They accepted me. They embraced me.

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I got street cred.

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But deep down inside,
I knew it wasn't me who they accepted.

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It was who I was pretending to be.

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And the more they adored
this false version of me,

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the more rejected the real me
felt the entire time.

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You see, I didn't understand
that sometimes rejection is projection.

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A projection of someone's own 
fears and insecurities

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onto another person.

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Those students who made fun of me
were deeply insecure.

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They were unsure of themselves.

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They were afraid to do anything

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outside of what their peers
thought was acceptable.

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And because they didn't know
how to be their unique selves,

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they projected their fears
and insecurities onto me

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in the form of mockery and jokes.

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Because sometimes,
talking bad about others

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makes people feel better
about themselves.

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If I would've been able to see
their rejection as projection,

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I would've never taken
their jokes personally.

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I wouldn't have wasted years of my life

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trying to earn their approval
and their acceptance.

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I would've stayed true to who I was,

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and I probably would've felt more sorry 
for them than I was for myself.

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And I believe that properly
handling rejection

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is a crucial component to ending
the rising anxiety, depression,

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and suicide rates in our nation and world.

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In fact, one study from the "Oxford
Handbook of Social Exclusions"

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stated that rejection is both a cause
and a consequence of depression.

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I mean think about it.

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Have you ever felt down
after you got rejected?

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Maybe it was a group of co-workers

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who invited everyone out
for drinks after work except for you.

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Or what about people who won't invest
their money into your vision and dream?

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Those are situations that cause people 
to dislike themselves,

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give up, gain a ton of weight from 
emotional eating,

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and binge-watch Netflix.

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But I've learned that we
don't have to allow rejection

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to make us do that crazy stuff.

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We can leverage our moments of rejections 
to produce confidence and success.

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I did.

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Once I discovered that the rejection
I faced in the third grade

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was actually a projection
of those students' own issues,

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I was able to see the beauty
in my own difference.

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Honestly, they had
something right about me.

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I was the Black kid that talked
and acted white.

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And I still am.

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Being the Black kid that talks
and acts white has enabled me

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to be versatile as a speaker

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and work with people
from all different walks of life.

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I can speak to gang members in the street,

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and I can speak to executives
in the board room.

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I can help addicts live free
from addiction,

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and I can coach elite athletes
to discover their purpose beyond sports.

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The very thing that made them reject me

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has become a crucial
component to my success.

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It has made me effective
at helping others,

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and it's all because I learned
to see rejection as projection,

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and figured out how to use it for my good.

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The second way that we can see rejection
is by viewing it as protection.

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Protection from something or someone

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that isn't meant
to be in our lives anymore.

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I learned this lesson after life rejected
my dreams of playing in the NFL.

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I went to Central Michigan University
on a full-ride scholarship

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to play Division I football.

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Sports was the way that I was going
to become rich and famous,

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so that I could buy my parents a house
and get all of my family out of poverty.

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I had so many coaches
and players who told me

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that because of my height,
my speed, and my athleticism,

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that there was no doubt
that I would one day play in the NFL.

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Unfortunately, I ruptured a disc
in my back my freshman year,

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and this injury ended my college career.

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Life had rejected
all that hard work I put in.

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Rather than view my sports injury 
as protection from a career path

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that wasn't the best for me,

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I took it personal.

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I felt like life hated me
and spit in my face.

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I felt like the universe despised me

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and that my value was pretty much nothing
without the sport that I loved

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or the recognition that I got
from being an athlete.

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Rather than let sports go,

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I did something terrible in an attempt
to keep my athlete dreams alive.

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I signed a liability waiver

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and rehabilitated my body to once
again play Division I football.

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I put my body through two years
of drug addiction,

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pain, and sleepless nights,

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because I couldn't face life
on life's terms.

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No matter how many painkillers I took,

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or how many epidural shots
I got in my back,

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I couldn't avoid the reality
that my career was finished.

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Nothing I did to avoid
that rejection was working.

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I was so afraid to face rejection

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because I felt like it meant
that I had no value and no future.

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I figured that since life
completely rejected me

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and all the hard work that I put in
to become a professional athlete,

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that I didn't just fail, but rather,
that I was a failure.

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This belief that I was a failure

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drove me into one of the darkest
depressions of my life.

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I became suicidal

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because I thought
it would be better to end my life

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than to deal with another
painful moment of rejection.

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And so I would swallow
whole bottles of pills

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in hopes that I wouldn't
wake up the next day.

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I would get drunk
and take a bunch of drugs

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and get in the car and drive hoping
that a car accident would end it all.

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It got so bad that I tried
to starve myself,

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and I went from 275 pounds
to 219 pounds in four weeks.

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That's all because I didn't understand
how to handle rejection.

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All these attempts at suicide 
landed me in the psychiatric unit

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in Detroit, Michigan.

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And it was there that I had
a life-changing experience

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that gave me hope, and purpose,

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and helped me to believe that maybe
the rejection I was experiencing

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was protection from a future
that wasn't the best for me.

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And that maybe there was a career
and a life out there for me

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that was far better
than what I had envisioned.

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So I spent the next few years
researching everything

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I could find on purpose and meaning.

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I read books.

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I took online courses.

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I interviewed people.

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I prayed. I meditated.

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I even watched a bunch of TEDx talks.

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(Laughter)

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I started to develop new skills
and explore new interests.

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You know what?

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Over time, I built a life that I loved

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and even enjoyed more
than my life as an athlete.

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And I would've never been able to do that

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if it wasn't for life
completely rejecting,

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or should I say, protecting me,
from becoming a professional athlete.

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And I believe that the world
needs to have the same perspective shift

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that I had when
I was in the psychiatric unit.

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Rather than internalize rejection
to mean that we're less valuable

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or that our future is unsure,

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we should view it as protection
from something

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or someone that isn't meant
to be in our lives anymore.

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Imagine what would happen

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if we stopped viewing rejection
as a negative, humiliating force,

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and we started viewing rejection
as a necessary development tool

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and a catalyst for massive success.

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When I look at people who I admire 
that have been highly successful in life,

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I can't help but to notice how
they've overcome rejections they face.

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It causes me to wonder if they
would've ever become who they were

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if it wasn't for how they leveraged
their moments of rejection.

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I mean,

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I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr.
would've ever become a great leader

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if it wasn't for the rejection
he experienced

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from his message and his mission.

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I wonder if Michael Jordan
would've ever developed the drive

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to become one of the greatest
basketball players of all time,

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if it wasn't for being rejected
by his coach in high school.

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I wonder if Apple would be one
of the largest tech companies

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in the world if it wasn't for Steve Jobs
being rejected by his own company.

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More importantly though,

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I wonder what your life would look like

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if you went back
to your moments of rejection,

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and rather than cry,

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get angry, or bitter,

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you analyze those moments,

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and reframe them
as protection or projection.

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I wonder if buried beneath your pain
and unfortunate circumstances

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is treasure that you could cash in.

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I wonder if you'd find keys
that would unlock new paths in life

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that are far beyond
what you can think or imagine.

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I wonder if the next level of your success

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is locked beneath your most painful
moment of rejection.

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I started by asking you when 
was the last time you felt rejected?

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00:12:43,861 --> 00:12:45,397
Was it a boss?

246
00:12:45,747 --> 00:12:47,648
An ex-spouse? A parent?

247
00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:50,488
A friend? Or just bad luck?

248
00:12:51,886 --> 00:12:53,400
And I'll end by asking you,

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00:12:54,126 --> 00:12:57,652
"What are you going to do with it?"

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00:12:58,634 --> 00:12:59,629
Thank you.

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00:12:59,629 --> 00:13:00,674
You've been awesome.

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00:13:00,674 --> 00:13:03,652
(Applause)

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00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,990
(Cheers)