0:00:07.246,0:00:08.948
Rejection.

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Do you remember the last time[br]you felt rejected?

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Was it a guy that never[br]returned a phone call?

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Or a father that never came around?

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Was it a boss who overlooked you[br]for a promotion?

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Or maybe it was someone in your life[br]who never thought you were good enough,

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no matter what you did[br]to try to impress them.

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We all know rejection hurts.

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It stings.

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It makes us feel like[br]we're not good enough.

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It causes us to question ourselves[br]and doubt our future.

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I submit to you that rejection[br]isn't something we should be afraid of.

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And it sure isn't something

0:00:44.633,0:00:47.056
that should make us[br]get discouraged, depressed,

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or work unhealthy amounts of hours[br]just to prove to the world

0:00:50.031,0:00:53.735
that we are somebody worth loving[br]and paying attention to.

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Rather, rejection is our friend

0:00:57.981,0:00:59.177
and not our enemy.

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I'm going to share two ways[br]that we can see rejection

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in order to leverage[br]those moments of pain

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to be the greatest catalyst[br]to our success,

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and proof of our value and uniqueness.

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The first way that we can view rejection[br]is by seeing it as projection.

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A psychological projection.

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A psychological projection is when someone[br]subconsciously employs

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undesirable feelings or emotions[br]onto someone else

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rather than admitting to or dealing[br]with their own unwanted feelings.

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When we can see how the rejections we face

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may have more to do with another person's[br]inward turmoil and not our own value,

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our lives will change.

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Rather than shrink back,[br]get discouraged, or play it safe,

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we'll move forward in life[br]with confidence and high esteem.

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One of my most painful moments[br]of rejection happened

0:01:51.405,0:01:53.054
when I was in the third grade.

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I wanted to be popular, to be liked,[br]to be loved, and to be respected.

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And thankfully, I was.

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I was in an advanced learning class

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which meant that I was one of two[br]Black students in an all-white class.

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And this wasn't a bad thing.

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I was known as the cool, big, Black kid.

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They called me Goon.

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(Laughter)

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I was one of the smartest kids in class,

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people cheated off my test,

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they laughed at my jokes,

0:02:18.487,0:02:19.869
life was great.

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Until one day,

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as I was returning back to class [br]from a bathroom break,

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I noticed a group of Black students[br]circled together laughing hysterically.

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Me, being the confident, charismatic,[br]outgoing guy that I was,

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I decided I was going to go over to them[br]and get in on the jokes.

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So I walked over to these students,

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and I said, "Hey y'all, what's so funny?"

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No one answered.

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I spoke up.

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"Now, what y'all over there[br]laughing about?"

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And just as I was finishing my sentence,

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one of the guys in the group turned[br]towards me and said,

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"You're what's funny, white boy."

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The crowd erupted in laughter,

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and I, feeling embarrassed,[br]ashamed, and rejected,

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returned to my class to soon learn[br]that I was known in our school

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as the Black kid[br]that talks and acts white.

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I allowed that moment of rejection

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to diminish my confidence[br]and my self-esteem.

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Rather than celebrate my own uniqueness,

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I began a long journey[br]of changing who I was

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to fit in with this Black community.

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I mean, I changed the way that I dressed,

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the way that I talked,

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the music I listened to.

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I even changed the way that I laughed.

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I started skipping school, selling drugs,[br]and making poor decisions -

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all because I wanted to gain[br]their approval and their acceptance.

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And you know what?

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It worked.

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They accepted me. They embraced me.

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I got street cred.

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But deep down inside,[br]I knew it wasn't me who they accepted.

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It was who I was pretending to be.

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And the more they adored[br]this false version of me,

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the more rejected the real me[br]felt the entire time.

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You see, I didn't understand[br]that sometimes rejection is projection.

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A projection of someone's own [br]fears and insecurities

0:04:04.168,0:04:05.770
onto another person.

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Those students who made fun of me[br]were deeply insecure.

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They were unsure of themselves.

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They were afraid to do anything

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outside of what their peers[br]thought was acceptable.

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And because they didn't know[br]how to be their unique selves,

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they projected their fears[br]and insecurities onto me

0:04:20.745,0:04:23.245
in the form of mockery and jokes.

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Because sometimes,[br]talking bad about others

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makes people feel better[br]about themselves.

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If I would've been able to see[br]their rejection as projection,

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I would've never taken[br]their jokes personally.

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I wouldn't have wasted years of my life

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trying to earn their approval[br]and their acceptance.

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I would've stayed true to who I was,

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and I probably would've felt more sorry [br]for them than I was for myself.

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And I believe that properly[br]handling rejection

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is a crucial component to ending[br]the rising anxiety, depression,

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and suicide rates in our nation and world.

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In fact, one study from the "Oxford[br]Handbook of Social Exclusions"

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stated that rejection is both a cause[br]and a consequence of depression.

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I mean think about it.

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Have you ever felt down[br]after you got rejected?

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Maybe it was a group of co-workers

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who invited everyone out[br]for drinks after work except for you.

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Or what about people who won't invest[br]their money into your vision and dream?

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Those are situations that cause people [br]to dislike themselves,

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give up, gain a ton of weight from [br]emotional eating,

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and binge-watch Netflix.

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But I've learned that we[br]don't have to allow rejection

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to make us do that crazy stuff.

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We can leverage our moments of rejections [br]to produce confidence and success.

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I did.

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Once I discovered that the rejection[br]I faced in the third grade

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was actually a projection[br]of those students' own issues,

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I was able to see the beauty[br]in my own difference.

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Honestly, they had[br]something right about me.

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I was the Black kid that talked[br]and acted white.

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And I still am.

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Being the Black kid that talks[br]and acts white has enabled me

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to be versatile as a speaker

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and work with people[br]from all different walks of life.

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I can speak to gang members in the street,

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and I can speak to executives[br]in the board room.

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I can help addicts live free[br]from addiction,

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and I can coach elite athletes[br]to discover their purpose beyond sports.

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The very thing that made them reject me

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has become a crucial[br]component to my success.

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It has made me effective[br]at helping others,

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and it's all because I learned[br]to see rejection as projection,

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and figured out how to use it for my good.

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The second way that we can see rejection[br]is by viewing it as protection.

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Protection from something or someone

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that isn't meant[br]to be in our lives anymore.

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I learned this lesson after life rejected[br]my dreams of playing in the NFL.

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I went to Central Michigan University[br]on a full-ride scholarship

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to play Division I football.

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Sports was the way that I was going[br]to become rich and famous,

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so that I could buy my parents a house[br]and get all of my family out of poverty.

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I had so many coaches[br]and players who told me

0:07:07.119,0:07:10.677
that because of my height,[br]my speed, and my athleticism,

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that there was no doubt[br]that I would one day play in the NFL.

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Unfortunately, I ruptured a disc[br]in my back my freshman year,

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and this injury ended my college career.

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Life had rejected[br]all that hard work I put in.

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Rather than view my sports injury [br]as protection from a career path

0:07:31.406,0:07:32.808
that wasn't the best for me,

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I took it personal.

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I felt like life hated me[br]and spit in my face.

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I felt like the universe despised me

0:07:39.009,0:07:42.664
and that my value was pretty much nothing[br]without the sport that I loved

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or the recognition that I got[br]from being an athlete.

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Rather than let sports go,

0:07:48.209,0:07:52.167
I did something terrible in an attempt[br]to keep my athlete dreams alive.

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I signed a liability waiver

0:07:55.005,0:07:59.270
and rehabilitated my body to once[br]again play Division I football.

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I put my body through two years[br]of drug addiction,

0:08:03.586,0:08:05.989
pain, and sleepless nights,

0:08:06.955,0:08:09.375
because I couldn't face life[br]on life's terms.

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No matter how many painkillers I took,

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or how many epidural shots[br]I got in my back,

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I couldn't avoid the reality[br]that my career was finished.

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Nothing I did to avoid[br]that rejection was working.

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I was so afraid to face rejection

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because I felt like it meant[br]that I had no value and no future.

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I figured that since life[br]completely rejected me

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and all the hard work that I put in[br]to become a professional athlete,

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that I didn't just fail, but rather,[br]that I was a failure.

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This belief that I was a failure

0:08:42.636,0:08:45.720
drove me into one of the darkest[br]depressions of my life.

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I became suicidal

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because I thought[br]it would be better to end my life

0:08:51.301,0:08:54.911
than to deal with another[br]painful moment of rejection.

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And so I would swallow[br]whole bottles of pills

0:08:58.624,0:09:01.227
in hopes that I wouldn't[br]wake up the next day.

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I would get drunk[br]and take a bunch of drugs

0:09:04.285,0:09:07.809
and get in the car and drive hoping[br]that a car accident would end it all.

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It got so bad that I tried[br]to starve myself,

0:09:11.183,0:09:15.553
and I went from 275 pounds[br]to 219 pounds in four weeks.

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That's all because I didn't understand[br]how to handle rejection.

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All these attempts at suicide [br]landed me in the psychiatric unit

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in Detroit, Michigan.

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And it was there that I had[br]a life-changing experience

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that gave me hope, and purpose,

0:09:32.619,0:09:36.215
and helped me to believe that maybe[br]the rejection I was experiencing

0:09:36.305,0:09:40.429
was protection from a future[br]that wasn't the best for me.

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And that maybe there was a career[br]and a life out there for me

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that was far better[br]than what I had envisioned.

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So I spent the next few years[br]researching everything

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I could find on purpose and meaning.

0:09:52.918,0:09:53.938
I read books.

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I took online courses.

0:09:55.469,0:09:56.521
I interviewed people.

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I prayed. I meditated.

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I even watched a bunch of TEDx talks.

0:10:00.109,0:10:01.565
(Laughter)

0:10:01.885,0:10:05.064
I started to develop new skills[br]and explore new interests.

0:10:05.064,0:10:06.085
You know what?

0:10:06.085,0:10:08.823
Over time, I built a life that I loved

0:10:08.877,0:10:11.994
and even enjoyed more[br]than my life as an athlete.

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And I would've never been able to do that

0:10:14.756,0:10:17.888
if it wasn't for life[br]completely rejecting,

0:10:17.888,0:10:22.164
or should I say, protecting me,[br]from becoming a professional athlete.

0:10:23.166,0:10:26.759
And I believe that the world[br]needs to have the same perspective shift

0:10:26.759,0:10:29.755
that I had when[br]I was in the psychiatric unit.

0:10:29.755,0:10:33.387
Rather than internalize rejection[br]to mean that we're less valuable

0:10:33.387,0:10:34.967
or that our future is unsure,

0:10:34.967,0:10:37.750
we should view it as protection[br]from something

0:10:37.750,0:10:41.058
or someone that isn't meant[br]to be in our lives anymore.

0:10:45.755,0:10:48.380
Imagine what would happen

0:10:48.380,0:10:53.819
if we stopped viewing rejection[br]as a negative, humiliating force,

0:10:55.097,0:10:59.756
and we started viewing rejection[br]as a necessary development tool

0:10:59.984,0:11:02.923
and a catalyst for massive success.

0:11:04.294,0:11:07.906
When I look at people who I admire [br]that have been highly successful in life,

0:11:07.906,0:11:11.248
I can't help but to notice how[br]they've overcome rejections they face.

0:11:12.006,0:11:15.054
It causes me to wonder if they[br]would've ever become who they were

0:11:15.054,0:11:18.054
if it wasn't for how they leveraged[br]their moments of rejection.

0:11:18.593,0:11:19.596
I mean,

0:11:19.596,0:11:23.096
I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr.[br]would've ever become a great leader

0:11:23.096,0:11:25.236
if it wasn't for the rejection[br]he experienced

0:11:25.236,0:11:27.288
from his message and his mission.

0:11:28.881,0:11:31.703
I wonder if Michael Jordan[br]would've ever developed the drive

0:11:31.703,0:11:34.599
to become one of the greatest[br]basketball players of all time,

0:11:34.599,0:11:38.382
if it wasn't for being rejected[br]by his coach in high school.

0:11:39.296,0:11:42.110
I wonder if Apple would be one[br]of the largest tech companies

0:11:42.110,0:11:46.562
in the world if it wasn't for Steve Jobs[br]being rejected by his own company.

0:11:48.346,0:11:49.842
More importantly though,

0:11:50.664,0:11:52.776
I wonder what your life would look like

0:11:52.962,0:11:55.289
if you went back[br]to your moments of rejection,

0:11:56.022,0:11:57.517
and rather than cry,

0:11:57.627,0:11:59.447
get angry, or bitter,

0:11:59.987,0:12:01.732
you analyze those moments,

0:12:02.395,0:12:07.085
and reframe them[br]as protection or projection.

0:12:08.170,0:12:12.719
I wonder if buried beneath your pain[br]and unfortunate circumstances

0:12:12.963,0:12:15.862
is treasure that you could cash in.

0:12:16.917,0:12:21.250
I wonder if you'd find keys[br]that would unlock new paths in life

0:12:21.423,0:12:25.039
that are far beyond[br]what you can think or imagine.

0:12:27.651,0:12:30.560
I wonder if the next level of your success

0:12:31.138,0:12:35.521
is locked beneath your most painful[br]moment of rejection.

0:12:38.848,0:12:43.471
I started by asking you when [br]was the last time you felt rejected?

0:12:43.861,0:12:45.397
Was it a boss?

0:12:45.747,0:12:47.648
An ex-spouse? A parent?

0:12:47.648,0:12:50.488
A friend? Or just bad luck?

0:12:51.886,0:12:53.400
And I'll end by asking you,

0:12:54.126,0:12:57.652
"What are you going to do with it?"

0:12:58.634,0:12:59.629
Thank you.

0:12:59.629,0:13:00.674
You've been awesome.

0:13:00.674,0:13:03.652
(Applause)

0:13:03.000,0:13:05.990
(Cheers)