How can we let go of anger?

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 4

(Bell)

Dear Thay, Oprah magazine is asking:
"How can we let go of anger

whether it is directed at family members

or someone who has wronged us in the past?

It's easy to let anger consume us.

So how can we move past it
and move on in our lives?

It is not quite the same as
forgiving and forgetting,

but just letting go of any anger we hold."

Oprah magazine is speaking about anger
vis-à-vis family members

or someone who has wronged us
in the past.

They want to know whether
there is anything we can do

in order to transform that anger,
to let go of that anger.

And forgiving does not seem to be enough.

This is a very important question.

I think the first thing we do
when anger is about to come up

is to go back to our breath
and breathe in mindfully.

Because anger is like a storm.

It has...

There are symptoms.

if you feel that anger is coming up,

is coming up from down there
in the bottom of our consciousness.

So when the storm
is about to break out, we know.

We feel signs of the storm.

So we have to prepare in order to
be able to resist, to deal with the storm.

So when anger is about to come up...

it might take
two or three seconds to come up.

So during that time we can go back
to our breathing and breathe in.

And instead of focusing our self on anger,
we focus our mind on our breath.

We are not afraid of anger,
because we know how to handle our anger.

And to deal with anger
first of all we have to breathe in

and focus our attention on our in breath.

When we focus our attention
on our in breath

we bring our mind home
to our body, we are truly there.

We are strong enough
to take care of ourselves.

Then we may look at the person whom
we think to be the cause of our anger.

Is that person a member of our family?

Or is that person...someone who has
done us a lot of injustice?

With that kind of mindfulness of breathing
we can look at the other person and see.

What we see is that
there is suffering in him or in her.

That person is not happy.

That person has violence
in him or in her.

That person has wrong perceptions...
in him or in her.

Breathing in mindfully and
looking at him or her we can see that.

We can see the wrong perception
in him or her.

We can see the suffering in him or her.

We can see the violence in him or her.

And we can see that
that person is not beautiful

when she acts violently and
she says things that are not kind.

Looking like that, at the same time
we see that we don't want to be like that.

We don't want to be victim
of anger and violence.

We want only to be a flower.

So looking at him, at her,

we see the suffering,
we see the lack of beauty.

And looking at ourselves, we know that
we don't want to be like that,

We don't want to be possessed
by anger and wrong perceptions.

We want to be a flower, fresh.

So that one mindful in breath, can already
help us to see things more clearly.

And when you see things clearly...
anger cannot take hold of you

and you want to say or do something nice
to help that person to suffer less.

It means that you have been able
to create compassion in you.

Compassion is a kind of energy
that can make us stop suffering right away.

Compassion is the nectar of
peace and happiness.

Compassion is born when you see
the suffering in him, in her

and you want to help him or her.

Everyone of us is capable of doing so.

Suppose...we think that the other person
does not like us,

the other person is trying
to do harm to us.

That may be a wrong perception.

He may not have the intention to harm you,
but you still think he has.

But if you have that wrong perception,
you will be angry.

You want to punish him.

You want to harm him
before he can harm you.

That is why a wrong perception
can make a person violent, angry.

A wrong perception is something that
can bring anger and fear.

That is the case of many terrorists.

They have many wrong perceptions.

They believe the other people
are trying to destroy them

as a religion, as a way of life,
as a culture, as a nation.

But the fact is that they
they do not have that intention at all.

So if you believe that someone
is trying to kill you, to destroy you

as a religion, as a culture
as a civilization,

you get very angry at him.

And you want to destroy them
before they destroy you.

That is the case of many terrorists.

If you look at the terrorist in that way,
you feel he is victim of wrong perception,

he is victim of violence and anger.

You do not want to punish
or kill him anymore.

You want to do something to help
remove the wrong perception in him.

And there are ways to do that, like
compassionate listening or loving speech.

These can help a person to remove
wrong perceptions.

And that is the best way
to deal with terrorism.

You cannot remove terrorism
with bombs and guns.

You have to remove it with loving speech
and deep listening,

to help them remove wrong perceptions.

That is why you should breathe in
and look deeply,

to see that the other is a victim of
wrong perception, of violence, of suffering.

That makes your compassion arise.

And when compassion arises,
anger is transformed, anger is deleted.

And you don't suffer.

Instead you want to help him or her,

whether he is a family member or
someone that has made you suffer,

because of his or her
wrong perception and suffering.

And in a few days we can practice this.

Sitting or walking alone, we can think of
the person who has made us suffer.

And looking deeply we can see
his suffering, the wrong perception he has.

And after having seen that,

you are motivated by the desire
to go back and try to help him or her

to remove that kind of wrong perceptions,
violence and anger,

to make him or her suffer less.

And if you have that intention, it means
compassion is already born in your heart.

When compassion is there,
anger is no longer there.

This is my question for Oprah Magazine
and the readers of Oprah Magazine.

You think that is good enough?
(Crowd laughs)

Thank you for asking the question.

(Bell)