Why I live in mortal dread of public speaking

I didn't know when I agreed to do this,

whether I was expected to talk, or to sing.

But when I was told that the topic was language,

I felt that I had to speak about something for a moment.

I have a problem.

It's not the worst thing in the world,

I'm fine,

I'm not on fire,

I know that other people in the world

have far worst things to deal with,

but for me, language and music are

inextricably linked through this one thing.

And the thing, is that, I have a stutter.

It might seem curious given that I spend a lot of my life on the stage.

One would assume that i'm comfortable

in the public's fear and comfortable here, speaking to you guys.

But the truth is that I've spent my life up on to this point

and including this point, living in mortal dread of public speaking.

Public 'singing',

whole different thing.

[Chuckles]

But we'll get to that in a moment.

I've never really talked about it before so explicitly.

I think that that's because I've always lived in hope

that when I was a grown-up,

I wouldn't have one.

I sort of lived with this idea that when i'm grown,

I'd learn to speak French,

and when i'm grown, i'll learn how to manage my money,

and when i'm grown, I won't have a stutter,

and i'll be able to public speak and maybe be the Prime Minister

and anything's possible and, you know.

[Chuckles]

So I can talk about it now,

because I've reached this point, where, I mean, i'm 28.

I'm pretty sure that i'm grown now.

[Chuckles]

And i'm an adult woman,

who spends her life as a performer,

with a speech impediment.

So, I might as well come clean about it.

There are some interesting angles to having a stutter.

For me, the worst thing that can happen

is meeting another stutterer.

[Laughter]

This happened to me in Hamburg, when

this guy, we met and he said,

"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Joe",

and I said,

"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Mey".

Imagine my horror when I realized

he thought that I was making fun of him.

[Laughter]

People think i'm drunk. All the time.

[Laughter]

People think that I've forgotten their name, when I hesitate before saying it.

And it is a very weird thing, because

proper nouns are the worst.

If i'm gonna use the word, 'Wednesday', in a sentence,

and i'm coming up to the word,

and I can feel that i'm gonna stutter or something,

I can change the word, to 'tomorrow', or 'the day after Tuesday',

or something else, you know, it's clunky,

but you can get away with it.

Because over time, I've developed this loophole method of using speech

where right at the last minute you change the thing and you trick your brain.

But with peoples' names, you can't change them.

[Chuckles]

When I was singing a lot of jazz,

I worked a lot with a pianist whose name was Steve.

As you can probably gather, 'S's and 'T's together, or independently,

are like Kryptonite.

[Chuckles]

But I would have to introduce the band

over this rolling vamp, you know,

and when I got around to Steve,

I'd often find myself stuck on the 'St'.

And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable and it totally kills the vibe, you know.

So after a few instances of this,

Steve happily became 'Seve'.

[Laughter]

And we got through it that way.

I've had a lot of therapy,

and a common form of treatment is to use this technique that's called , 'Smooth Speech',

which is where you almost sing everything that you say.

You kind of join everything together in this very sing-song, kindergarten teacher sort of way,

and it makes you sound very serene, like you've had lots of valium,

[Laughter]

and everything is calm.

That's not actually me, you know.

And I do, I do use that, I use it when I have to be on panel shows,

or when I have to do radio interviews,

when the economy of airtime is Paramount.

[Laughter]

I get through it that way, you know, for my job.

But as an artist who feels that their work

is based solely on a platform of honesty,

and being real,

that feels often like cheating.

Which is why before I sing, I wanted to tell you what singing means to me.

It's more than making nice sounds,

and it's more than making nice song,

it's more than feeling known, or understood.

It's more than making you feel the things that I feel.

It's not about mythology,

or mythologizing myself to you.

Somehow, through some miraculous synaptic function of the human brain,

it's impossible to stutter when you sing.

And when I was younger, that was a method of treatment

that worked very well for me.

Singing.

So I did it a lot.

[Chuckles]

And that's why i'm here, today.

[Applause]

Singing for me is sweet relief.

It is the only time when I feel fluent.

It is the only time when what comes out of my mouth

is comprehensively exactly what I intended.

[Chuckles]

So I know that this is a TED talk, but now i'm going to TED sing.

This is a song that I wrote last year.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Applause]

[Piano]

I would be a beauty

but my nose

is slightly too big

for my face

And I would be a dreamer

but my dream

is slightly too big

for this space

And I would be an angel

but my halo

impales in the glow

of your grace

And I would be a joker

but that could look silly when you play

your ace

[Piano]

And I'd like to know,

Are there stars in hell?

And I'd like to know,

know if you can tell

that you make me lose everything I know

That I cannot choose to or not let go

[Piano]

And I'd stay forever

but my home

is slightly too far

from this place

And I swear I tried to

slow it down

when I'm walking at your pace

But all I could think

Is land through the cities,

Do I look pretty in the rain?

And I don't know how someone

quite so lovely

makes me feel ugly

So much shame

[Piano]

And i'd like to know,

Are there stars in hell?

And i'd like to know,

know if you can tell that you make me lose everything I know

that I cannot choose to or not let go