WEBVTT

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I didn't know when I agreed to do this,

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whether I was expected to talk, or to sing.

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But when I was told that the topic was language,

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I felt that I had to speak about something for a moment.

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I have a problem.

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It's not the worst thing in the world,

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I'm fine,

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I'm not on fire,

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I know that other people in the world

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have far worst things to deal with,

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but for me, language and music are

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inextricably linked through this one thing.

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And the thing, is that, I have a stutter.

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It might seem curious given that I spend a lot of my life on the stage.

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One would assume that i'm comfortable

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in the public's fear and comfortable here, speaking to you guys.

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But the truth is that I've spent my life up on to this point

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and including this point, living in mortal dread of public speaking.

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Public 'singing',

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whole different thing.

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[Chuckles]

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But we'll get to that in a moment.

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I've never really talked about it before so explicitly.

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I think that that's because I've always lived in hope

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that when I was a grown-up,

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I wouldn't have one.

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I sort of lived with this idea that when i'm grown,

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I'd learn to speak French,

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and when i'm grown, i'll learn how to manage my money,

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and when i'm grown, I won't have a stutter,

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and i'll be able to public speak and maybe be the Prime Minister

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and anything's possible and, you know.

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[Chuckles]

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So I can talk about it now,

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because I've reached this point, where, I mean, i'm 28.

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I'm pretty sure that i'm grown now.

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[Chuckles]

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And i'm an adult woman,

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who spends her life as a performer,

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with a speech impediment.

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So, I might as well come clean about it.

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There are some interesting angles to having a stutter.

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For me, the worst thing that can happen

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is meeting another stutterer.

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[Laughter]

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This happened to me in Hamburg, when

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this guy, we met and he said,

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"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Joe",

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and I said,

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"Hello, m..m..m..my name is Mey".

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Imagine my horror when I realized

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he thought that I was making fun of him.

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[Laughter]

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People think i'm drunk. All the time.

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[Laughter]

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People think that I've forgotten their name, when I hesitate before saying it.

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And it is a very weird thing, because

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proper nouns are the worst.

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If i'm gonna use the word, 'Wednesday', in a sentence,

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and i'm coming up to the word,

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and I can feel that i'm gonna stutter or something,

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I can change the word, to 'tomorrow', or 'the day after Tuesday',

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or something else, you know, it's clunky,

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but you can get away with it.

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Because over time, I've developed this loophole method of using speech

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where right at the last minute you change the thing and you trick your brain.

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But with peoples' names, you can't change them.

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[Chuckles]

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When I was singing a lot of jazz,

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I worked a lot with a pianist whose name was Steve.

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As you can probably gather, 'S's and 'T's together, or independently,

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are like Kryptonite.

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[Chuckles]

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But I would have to introduce the band

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over this rolling vamp, you know,

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and when I got around to Steve,

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I'd often find myself stuck on the 'St'.

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And it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable and it totally kills the vibe, you know.

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So after a few instances of this,

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Steve happily became 'Seve'.

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[Laughter]

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And we got through it that way.

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I've had a lot of therapy,

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and a common form of treatment is to use this technique that's called , 'Smooth Speech',

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which is where you almost sing everything that you say.

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You kind of join everything together in this very sing-song, kindergarten teacher sort of way,

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and it makes you sound very serene, like you've had lots of valium,

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[Laughter]

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and everything is calm.

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That's not actually me, you know.

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And I do, I do use that, I use it when I have to be on panel shows,

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or when I have to do radio interviews,

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when the economy of airtime is Paramount.

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[Laughter]

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I get through it that way, you know, for my job.

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But as an artist who feels that their work

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is based solely on a platform of honesty,

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and being real,

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that feels often like cheating.

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Which is why before I sing, I wanted to tell you what singing means to me.

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It's more than making nice sounds,

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and it's more than making nice song,

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it's more than feeling known, or understood.

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It's more than making you feel the things that I feel.

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It's not about mythology,

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or mythologizing myself to you.

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Somehow, through some miraculous synaptic function of the human brain,

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it's impossible to stutter when you sing.

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And when I was younger, that was a method of treatment

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that worked very well for me.

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Singing.

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So I did it a lot.

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[Chuckles]

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And that's why i'm here, today.

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[Applause]

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Singing for me is sweet relief.

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It is the only time when I feel fluent.

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It is the only time when what comes out of my mouth

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is comprehensively exactly what I intended.

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[Chuckles]

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So I know that this is a TED talk, but now i'm going to TED sing.

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This is a song that I wrote last year.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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[Applause]

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[Piano]

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I would be a beauty

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but my nose

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is slightly too big

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for my face

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And I would be a dreamer

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but my dream

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is slightly too big

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for this space

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And I would be an angel

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but my halo

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impales in the glow

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of your grace

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And I would be a joker

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but that could look silly when you play

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your ace

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[Piano]

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And I'd like to know,

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Are there stars in hell?

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And I'd like to know,

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know if you can tell

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that you make me lose everything I know

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That I cannot choose to or not let go

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[Piano]

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And I'd stay forever

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but my home

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is slightly too far

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from this place

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And I swear I tried to

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slow it down

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when I'm walking at your pace

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But all I could think

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Is land through the cities,

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Do I look pretty in the rain?

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And I don't know how someone

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quite so lovely

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makes me feel ugly

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So much shame

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[Piano]

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And i'd like to know,

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Are there stars in hell?

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And i'd like to know,

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know if you can tell that you make me lose everything I know

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that I cannot choose to or not let go