The Tom Green Show - Slutmobile

It's three o'clock in the morning, and I think my parents really like lesbians.

So to show my parents how much I love them,

I've turned my parents vehicle into more than just a vehicle.

I've turned it into the slut mobile.

Won't mom and dad be surprised and overwhelmed tomorrow morning when they get up to go to work?

So I'm hiding inside a box right now,

in my parents' driveway,

that normally contains garbage.

And this box is right beside the car, in the driveway.

Ok, so it's daylight now,

and my parents seem to be awake, 'cause the light in the house is on.

I hope my parents like my gift.

I hope when they come out of the house they really enjoy the car that I've painted for them.

Their car.

Holy Christ!

You like it dad?

- Come look at it dad.
- Go talk to your mother, I'm going to work.

- What's the big deal?
- Yeah, big deal, that better be off.

- It's permanent, come look at it.
- That's permanent? (...)(heading?) to the police right now.

- What're you talking about?
- Yeah

- Dad, it's a present.
- Yeah, right.

- It's a present.
- Well, it's completely untasteful, and ridiculous.

- Why?
- (inaudible)

- Where 'you going?
- I'm going to work, I'm walking, ...
- You're walking?

- I can't take the car.
- Why can't you take the car?

- What? It's a present for you guys.

- It's to be nice.
- That'd better be washable or something.

- It's not, it's airbrushed.
- (...) Yeah, sure.

- It costed me four-hundred dollars to get it done.
- Yeah, right?

- It did. It costed me four-hundred dollars to get done.

- What you mean you're walking to work?

- You can't walk to work.
- Yeah, right.

- What? What d'you mean "yeah, right?"
- Well, how are you gonna show that on television? Stupid!

- What? Oh, come on, don't walk to work!
- (It's) obscene, insanity.
- Don't walk to work!

It's not obscene, it's love.

Those women are love, dad!

You like it?

- Mom!
- Noo!

(You've) being trying to wipe it off? Mom!

Whoa, mom, what?

- Come look at it!
- No, it's disgusting!

- It's not disgusting, just let me in, let's talk.

This is insane. I mean, i worked so hard to make everybody happy.

I hid in that box all night long.

My mom has no intention of talking to me on camera about the slutmobile.

Fortunately, she left a few messages on my answering machine.

And, well here they are.

- Next message:
- Tom, it's your mother. That you did to our car it's really gross, and disgusting.

And I'm not impressed. I knew that something was happening.

It's just another little horrible thing for us to cope with.

- Call me, as soon as you get this message, I am livid.
- Next message:

Tom, this is your mother. That car ('d) better be back here immediately, and back put to original condition.

And I don't find it funny, there's nothing funny about it at all.

It's insulting, once again, you know, it's just, it's not funny.

It's ruining things that don't belong to you.

- And it's making me sick, and I'm fed up with that.
- Next message:

Tom, it's eight o'clock in the morning. You've been here, you've gone.

- I want my car fixed, it's disgusting.
- Next message:

Tom, it's your mother, for the fourth call.

I want the car taken and returned to its original condition, or your dad and I are going to report this to the police.

This is ridiculous, I'm not putting up with it.

You can, you know, be charged with vandalism, or whatever the charge would be.

But you're not going to ruin my things anymore and leave me in the lurch because I don't have a car to use.

Now, get over here, and get the car, and repair it, immediately.

- And I'm not kidding.
- End of message.

- Oh, come on, don't walk to work!
- Obscene, insanity.
- Don't walk to work!

It's not obscene, it's love!

Those women are love, dad!

Oh, dad can't take the bus to work, I'm gonna take the slut-mobile to the bus stop.

Wow, there's a lot of people at the bus stop, I hope my dad it's not embarassed by his slut-mobile.

- Come on, I'll drive you to work.
- (inaudible)

- What?
- That thing'd better be washed up (...), I don't know how you got it on there.

It's permanent. It's a present!

Dad, don't worry if your neighbors see the slut mobile,

I mean, it's just your slut mobile. RIght?

It's just your slut mobile!

- Ok, first of all, I thought you liked lesbians, and ...
- What?

I thought you liked lesbians, and sluts.

And so I thought it would be a nice thing to gift you.

That's all. Whether or not I was funny or not, I thought you liked that kind of thing.

- Ok? That aside, now I know you don't like lesbians.
- I didn't say that. I don't want them on my car!

- Ok, so you...
- End of discussion.

- So it's not that you have a problem with lesbians then.