Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths (AD)

When it comes to identities and
experiences that we haven't come across

in real life or been taught about
in schools, we tend to rely on

the media to teach us about them.
Now, this media might be documentaries,

or news reports- things that are factual-
or fictional books, TV shows,

or films. Now, sometimes, the media
produced about these identities

or experiences is empathy-filled.
It's got accurate information based

on lived experiences and deep research,
but sometimes, [it] doesn't.

This kind of flawed representation
in media might replicate damaging tropes,

or include the spread of misinformation.

The importance of representation
is something that I talk about a lot

on this channel, and that's the reason
that I wanted to make this video today.

What happens to identities and experiences
that we might not see around us,

that we aren't taught about in schools,
and don't have much representation

in the media. Well, it turns out a lot
of myths and misconceptions start to form.

When you look for media with asexual
and aromantic protagonists in [them],

it's almost impossible. A lot of lists of
any ace or aro characters will be

side characters or characters that are
just headcanoned to be that by their fans,

not anything that's explicit in the text
itself.

And that is why I was so excited when I
got sent this new book in the post.

It's called Loveless, by Alice Oseman,
and it has an aroace protagonist.

I read this book in like a day.
I know it's the ultimate cliche-

couldn't put it down.
I genuinely couldn't.

As an asexual lesbian, this was the kind
of representation I had never seen before

and it just made me feel so seen.

So if this sort of aro/ace coming of age
novel, with multiple queer characters,

um, a Shakespeare play, because you know
the queers love a good Shakespeare play,

amazing female friendships,
if that kind of appeals to you,

oh my God, check this book out.
You will not regret it.

So I reached out initially to see if Alice
would be interested in being in like

a debunking, uh, video, and Harper Collins
very generously offered to just sponsor

this whole video. Um, so, I'm going to
leave a link in the description

for you to find out more about the book,
or buy it if you want, cause it is out now.

And without further ado
let's bust some myths!

So what do we mean by asexual
and aromantic?

Well there are different definitions
and different wordings,

but here is what we're gonna go with:

It's worth noting that

And if you're still confused, hopefully
the rest of this video will clear up

any misunderstandings or myths
that you might've heard.

And you have to be both.

So hopefully the definitions have sort of
busted this myth for us,

but aromanticism and asexuality
are different things.

So, you can be both, you can be neither,
or you could be one or the other.

So, some people feel that their romantic
attraction and their sexual attraction

are very similar, or they feel like
the same thing so a lot of gay,

and straight and bi and pan people
feel like their attraction is kind of-

their romantic and sexual attraction is
linked together,

but often for asexual and aromantic,
and people of other sexualities,

um, they just feel like two different
things. But again, not always.

Like for me, I'm aromantic and asexual
and I feel like they're quite linked

together, they feel like a similar thing-
part of a similar thing to me.

Um, so yeah, just remember it varies for
different people.

Yeah, exactly! So you may have sexual
attraction to all genders.

You might, for that example, identify as
pansexual, um, but only for romantic

attraction towards one gender.
There are also other kinds of attraction

that again, for a lot of people, are all
bundled up into one.

Uh, things like aesthetic attraction, so
attraction to the way that someone looks,

or sensual attraction, a desire for
touch which isn't necessarily sexual but

sensual in nature. And again you might
experience all, none, or a mixture

of these different types of attraction.

Obviously, this is very untrue. Um,
asexuality is not the same thing

as just choosing not to have sex.
It's not the same thing as abstinence

or celibacy, or anything like that.
Um, I think it's important to remember

that asexuality is about a lack of
attraction. It's nothing to do with choice

or deciding not to have sex.
Um, and it's also worth remembering

that lots of asexuals do have sex anyway.
[Chuckles]

So I think that this myth comes from the
idea that people who do experience

sexual attraction know that at one point
when they were younger, they didn't,

and so they assume that everyone who
doesn't is just on the same journey

as them, and it's just a matter of time,
but that is not necessarily the case.

So the idea of being a late bloomer
is actually something that comes up a lot

in my book, Loveless, which you can see
in the corner here.

Um, it's something that the protagonist,
Georgia, worries about a lot.

She, especially at first, she thinks, "Oh
well, I can't be asexual, I'm just a late

bloomer," like, I just need to wait and
until I find the right person.

But it's actually this idea that kind of
hinders her on her journey,

and it's actively kind of harmful to her to
in helping her discover her sexuality,

so, yeah, I think it's not a good idea to be
telling asexuals that they're just

late bloomers cause it's not helpful.

Yeah, I think this brushing off of people
who have a sincerely held identity

is quite infantilizing or dismissive
of the way that they feel.

And yeah, it also means that people are
put in a position where they might be

starting to question whether they could be
aromantic or asexual and this kinda

cuts them off from the exploration by
saying, "No, no, that's not what you are,

you're this, you just haven't reached
that stage yet."

Um, so I think that it's always really
healthy to keep options open

to make sure that people can really look
into, um, explore and research different

identities to see what fits them rather
than just saying to them,

"Don't worry, you'll be that normal one.
You just gotta wait a bit longer before

it happens."

It's also one of my personal pet peeves
that people find out that I'm aroace

and they just assume that I'm like a baby,
who cannot even deal with the idea of

talking or hearing about sex or romance.
Um, it's just very annoying like

I'm 25 years old, I know what sex is!
[chuckles]

Um, so yeah, that's just very annoying.

I feel like this is quite similar to the
last one. The big issue with it

is that it really invalidates people's
experiences, the way that their-

and their identities as well.

Um, yeah, I think that this is the same
argument that's tossed out [to]

a lot of other sexualities, like gay people
and bi people. Um, everyone who's

not straight kind of gets told, like,
this is just a phase,

you'll just grow out of it one day.
Um, and I mean, sometimes, sexuality

and identity does change over time
but often it doesn't,

and going around telling people,
"Oh, no, it's okay, you'll change one day,"

"you'll grow out this,"
that's just not helpful to anyone.

Yeah, our people- [there are] a lot of people who
identify one way and then they identify

a different way, and that doesn't mean
those identities are inherently a phase,

or that was a lie; that was how you
sincerely identified at the time,

or the way in which you wanted to
label yourself.

I think that like we would never say
that just because someone used to identify

as straight and now identifies as gay,
that being straight is a phase,

um, and so I think that we can all
understand that that's not the case

with other sexualities either.

So there's a bit in Loveless where
Georgia, the protagonist, is Googling

asexuality and aromanticism for the
first time, and she is just bombarded

with information, um and she says something
like, you know, being asexual wasn't-

it wasn't like a graph, it was like a
radar chart with a dozen different axes.

Um, and I think that kind of sums up
asexuality and aromanticism,

cause it is complicated, like there's a lot
to learn about it.

I think that all sexualities are not
just on a spectrum. Um,

like, the Kinsey scale, is probably the one
people have heard of most often.

Um, because there are all of these
different ways in which we experience

and identify and different feelings that
we might have at different times,

um, and I think that asexuality and
aromanticism is like, part of that map,

web... uh, situation. And I don't necessarily
think that that being that quite

complicated needs to be a scary thing
or a worrying thing.

I think that the reason why it's so
complicated is that it can be quite

freeing for people to say, "Oh wait, this
really specific thing that I'm feeling,

that I'm starting to articulate about
myself, is the same thing that someone

else is feeling, that I'm not alone,"
and so I don't necessarily think of it as

a scary thing, I think of it as something
that's quite positive to a lot of people

to have that kind of complexity available.
So, it's worth noting here that within the

kind of spectrum/web of asexuality
and aromanticism, you have, uh, identities

like demi and grey which, uh, [are] ways in which
people experience attraction that is

kind of- I guess, in between the two
extremes, in some way or another.

And I also think one of the really
interesting things about this web

that takes, um, experiences and wants and desires
into account means that we start

to unpick what heteronormativity has said
is normal and expected,

and you can decide the kind of things
that you want and don't want.

Even if you're someone who is straight,
there will be particular experiences-

or particular activities, or wants, or
sexual acts or things like that-

that are expected of you, within the
overarching idea of what it means

to be straight, that you don't
necessarily have to want or do.

And so, I think that, again, that this web is
something that isn't something

to be feared, but something that can really
be liberating to a lot of people.

Again, this is kind of following on from
the last myth. There is, or can be,

a difference in people's experiences,
their wants, their sex drive,

their desires, their identity; those
things don't necessarily match up.

So, this might be a repetitive point, but, um,
the important thing to remember about

asexuality and aromanticism is that
they're just a lack or little,

um, sexual or romantic attraction.
Uh, there's really nothing to do with

anything else. Like, even if you are
asexual or aromantic, you could feel

all sorts of different ways about having
sex, about being in relationships,

about romance, you know. Like you've
said, it's a big web of all different

experiences and feelings.

So, some asexual people have a sex drive
and a libido, some don't.

Uh, some will masturbate, some won't.
Some will have sex with their partners,

uh, and some won't, and the reasons for
that are not sexual attraction,

but other reasons. So, they might have
sex with their partners to feel close

to them, um, because it feels physically
good. Um, but yeah,

as Alice said, it's just not something
that's based on sexual attraction.

So obviously, this is such a myth, and
one of the big messages in Loveless is

that you can find a happily ever after
without romance, and that

platonic relationships can be just as
powerful and special as romantic

relationships. Um, unfortunately,
we live in a society where romance is

kind of lauded as the best thing ever,
and everyone should be aspiring

to find "the one" and fall in love and
have an amazing love story.

But, the reality is that, you know, some
people just won't feel happy experiencing

that, so we should all be able to find
that kind of joy and happiness in

platonic relationships as well.

Similar to the über evasive idea of, like,
the happily ever after romantic ending,

just our media, advertising, um, it's-
our humor, even, is all so based on

sex, romance, and relationships.
And, so, it's completely understandable

that if you are not experiencing that
attraction, that it might make you feel

like there's something wrong with you.
And, I think this is one of the really

important reasons to talk about
aromanticism and asexuality;

is to allow people to imagine a fulfilling
life that doesn't necessarily involve

those things; um, to not force yourself
to want to want something,

um, that doesn't come to you naturally,
and that isn't something that you're

going to be happy trying to strive towards.

Um, I'll just add to that- that idea kind of
benefits everyone, even people who

aren't asexual and aromantic. Like, feeling
pressured to find the perfect love story

is not a good thing for anyone, no matter your
sexuality, so understanding that you

shouldn't have to strive for that
idealized life and you should just try and

enjoy, you know, what you have
is a good thing for everyone.

One really big issue for the asexual
and aromantic communities is that

they're often seen as being mental
illnesses or things that need to be

treated, often by- even by doctors or
therapists. Um, it's just quite a big issue

in the community, um,
and it shouldn't be a thing.

Although it is worth noting- because
obviously, we love a bit of nuance,

uh, and nothing is always black and white-
um, but there will be people who experience,

um, asexuality because of trauma,
and that's something that might last

a short amount of time, it might be
something that's with them for a long

amount of time, um, and this doesn't negate
or undermine people who identify

as asexual, um, and it's my personal belief
that the resources and information that

are available to the asexual community
should be available to anyone who

experiences that in any way, um, if that is
something that they think is going to

help them. Um, so, it's one of those things
that need a bit of nuance,

that there- it's not inherently a mental
illness, but there may be some people

that experience it for reasons other than
it being their inherent sexuality,

and those things can coexist together.

Uh, so being sex-positive- the idea that you
support people owning their sexuality

and doing what they want with regards
to sex- um, there's no reason why asexuals

would be against that at all.
Um, in Loveless, actually, the protagonist,

Georgia, uh, her roommate at university
is very, very sex-positive, very outgoing,

she likes to express herself sexually a lot.
[chuckles]

Um, and I wanted that to be one of the most
important relationships in the story,

because it- even though Georgia and
her roommate, Roonie, they have very

different experiences and feelings about
sex and about relationships, they can

still respect each other and learn a lot
from each other, um, and that's how

things should be.

Being asexual, again, it's not a moral
choice, um, and therefore it's not a

choice that you can then impose on other
people, or a kind of morality you can-

you would want to impose on other people,
um, just because there are some asexual

people who are never gonna have sex, or
might be what's called sex-repulsed,

so, for them personally, it's never
something that they want to participate in,

but it's not then a feeling that they are
going to project onto other people,

or expect other people to feel as well.
Um, so yeah, completely a myth.

Hello, it's me, the creator of a YA
romance graphic novel series.

[Laughs] Um, yeah, this is completely a myth.
Like, I love reading and watching romance movies

and books, um, and the protagonist of
Loveless, Georgia, is, you know,

in the second chapter, she's like,
"I love romance, I love fan fiction,

I love Disney." Just because someone is
asexual or aromantic doesn't mean

that they can't enjoy reading about it
or watching it on TV.

Again it's- it's- it's this spectrum,
it's different experiences that people have.

There will be some aromantic or asexual
people who might not be interested

in that kind of media.

So this, honestly, just sounds like
something that a- just a mean school

playground bully would say, and it's
also like 1000% untrue.

Yeah, this is definitely untrue. Um, like,
personally, I have had opportunities to

have a relationship, but I've always just
been like, "Mm... no thanks!" [chuckles]

So, yeah, it's not for lack of opportunity.
This is- yeah, this is just a weird

bully-ish argument that makes no sense
and is kind of pathetic.

[Chuckles] This is actually something that
aroace activist Yasmine Benoit has

talked about a lot. Um, she's a British
aroace activist. Uh, she goes on loads of

shows, and does loads of articles and stuff
specifically talking about the

misconception that asexuals have a
specific look or they dress a specific way.

Um, and Yasmine herself is a professional
model, as well, so there you go! [Laughs]

Yeah, I personally think that the complete
lack of representation is what contributes

to this. Um, people don't really have any
idea of what asexual and aromantic people

are like because they're just not on TV,
they're very rarely in books. Um,

and popular characters that have been,
you know, decided that they're asexual

by their fans are often people like
Sherlock from BBC's Sherlock,

Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory,
people who are often quite unfeeling.

Um, whereas we need more positive
representation of actual, well-rounded

people. Like, for example, I really liked
the representation, um, of an asexual

character in Season 2 of Sex Education.
Although it was very short, and kind of

shoe-horned in, it was actually about a
girl who has a whole personality.

She's passionate about theater, like,
she's, you know, got this whole

life, and she's not some sort of unfeeling,
emotionless person.

Um, that's what I think we need
more of, generally.

Yeah, I was really excited to see that in
Sex Education as well. I think they've

tackled a lot of different
kinds of sexualities,

and that felt quite missing for me
from Season 1, especially cause I know

quite a lot of people wanted the main
character to be asexual, so

I was really excited to see that as well.

One of the earliest adopters of
different, um, identities or experiences,

um, especially in the UK, is often
soap operas. Um, we tend to see, like,

the first kiss on-screen in the UK.
Like, all this stuff, they-

they always tend to be in soap operas.
I've talked about this before, but

for a couple of different reasons,
including the idea that if

the character doesn't go down well
they can just remove the character without

much of an issue cause there's
so many other characters that can

fill in their shoes, um, but it does end up
being quite pioneering. And, so,

we had, I think, what must be
one of the first asexual characters

on UK TV in 2018, with the character of
Liv in Emmerdale, um, who

came out as asexual. Um, I love Liv,
and I love the way that they

did that storyline. She has, um, her brother
is gay, and had a really, really pioneering

storyline. He's been on the soap since
he was a kid, and they kind of

followed him for his whole life so far.
And, so, it was really interesting

getting to see, um, a gay and asexual
sibling, and the way in which they

communicate with each other, explain their
sexualities to each other, um, and just

really love each other through everything.
Um, and so, yeah, to see this

teenage girl character work that out
about her sexuality, and try and find

a relationship with someone that
would understand that part of her

was, and is, really exciting to see.
And finally, on to our last myth!

This is just fundamentally untrue. Um,
that- there's been evidence of asexual

involvement in the LGBTQ+ community,
and movements throughout the 20th century.

Um, so, asexuality existed as a label
long before the invention of Tumblr, and

it's definitely a myth that Tumblr had
anything to do with its creation.

The Internet didn't invent asexuality
or aromanticism. What it has done,

however, is allow people to spread
information, um, and advice, and to allow

people to meet each other, and
to find each other,

and to make them feel less alone.

And of course, just because the words
didn't exist at one point,

that doesn't mean that people
weren't still those identities.

People will have been asexual and
aromantic throughout history,

just like they have been [for]
all other sexualities

So, those were 13 myths busted! Um,
I hope you enjoyed that!

Uh, Alice, if people want to know more about
what you do, or find you on the Internet,

where should they be looking?

You can come and follow me on Twitter or
Instagram @aliceoseman, or

you can find out more about Loveless,
[chuckles] or any of my other books, uh,

on my website, aliceoseman.com.

In the comments, I would love to hear
about the types of aromantic and asexual

characters you would like to see
represented in media.

As always, if you would like to help
support me make these videos,

I'll leave a link to my Patreon,
uh, as well as all my social media, so

you can find me all over the Internet. And,
until I see you next time, bye!