When it comes to identities and experiences that we haven't come across
in real life or been taught about in schools, we tend to rely on
the media to teach us about them. Now, this media might be documentaries,
or news reports- things that are factual- or fictional books, TV shows,
or films. Now, sometimes, the media produced about these identities
or experiences is empathy-filled. It's got accurate information based
on lived experiences and deep research, but sometimes, [it] doesn't.
This kind of flawed representation in media might replicate damaging tropes,
or include the spread of misinformation.
The importance of representation is something that I talk about a lot
on this channel, and that's the reason that I wanted to make this video today.
What happens to identities and experiences that we might not see around us,
that we aren't taught about in schools, and don't have much representation
in the media. Well, it turns out a lot of myths and misconceptions start to form.
When you look for media with asexual and aromantic protagonists in [them],
it's almost impossible. A lot of lists of any ace or aro characters will be
side characters or characters that are just headcanoned to be that by their fans,
not anything that's explicit in the text itself.
And that is why I was so excited when I got sent this new book in the post.
It's called Loveless, by Alice Oseman, and it has an aroace protagonist.
I read this book in like a day. I know it's the ultimate cliche-
couldn't put it down. I genuinely couldn't.
As an asexual lesbian, this was the kind of representation I had never seen before
and it just made me feel so seen.
So if this sort of aro/ace coming of age novel, with multiple queer characters,
um, a Shakespeare play, because you know the queers love a good Shakespeare play,
amazing female friendships, if that kind of appeals to you,
oh my God, check this book out. You will not regret it.
So I reached out initially to see if Alice would be interested in being in like
a debunking, uh, video, and Harper Collins very generously offered to just sponsor
this whole video. Um, so, I'm going to leave a link in the description
for you to find out more about the book, or buy it if you want, cause it is out now.
And without further ado let's bust some myths!
So what do we mean by asexual and aromantic?
Well there are different definitions and different wordings,
but here is what we're gonna go with:
It's worth noting that
And if you're still confused, hopefully the rest of this video will clear up
any misunderstandings or myths that you might've heard.
And you have to be both.
So hopefully the definitions have sort of busted this myth for us,
but aromanticism and asexuality are different things.
So, you can be both, you can be neither, or you could be one or the other.
So, some people feel that their romantic attraction and their sexual attraction
are very similar, or they feel like the same thing so a lot of gay,
and straight and bi and pan people feel like their attraction is kind of-
their romantic and sexual attraction is linked together,
but often for asexual and aromantic, and people of other sexualities,
um, they just feel like two different things. But again, not always.
Like for me, I'm aromantic and asexual and I feel like they're quite linked
together, they feel like a similar thing- part of a similar thing to me.
Um, so yeah, just remember it varies for different people.
Yeah, exactly! So you may have sexual attraction to all genders.
You might, for that example, identify as pansexual, um, but only for romantic
attraction towards one gender. There are also other kinds of attraction
that again, for a lot of people, are all bundled up into one.
Uh, things like aesthetic attraction, so attraction to the way that someone looks,
or sensual attraction, a desire for touch which isn't necessarily sexual but
sensual in nature. And again you might experience all, none, or a mixture
of these different types of attraction.
Obviously, this is very untrue. Um, asexuality is not the same thing
as just choosing not to have sex. It's not the same thing as abstinence
or celibacy, or anything like that. Um, I think it's important to remember
that asexuality is about a lack of attraction. It's nothing to do with choice
or deciding not to have sex. Um, and it's also worth remembering
that lots of asexuals do have sex anyway. [Chuckles]
So I think that this myth comes from the idea that people who do experience
sexual attraction know that at one point when they were younger, they didn't,
and so they assume that everyone who doesn't is just on the same journey
as them, and it's just a matter of time, but that is not necessarily the case.
So the idea of being a late bloomer is actually something that comes up a lot
in my book, Loveless, which you can see in the corner here.
Um, it's something that the protagonist, Georgia, worries about a lot.
She, especially at first, she thinks, "Oh well, I can't be asexual, I'm just a late
bloomer," like, I just need to wait and until I find the right person.
But it's actually this idea that kind of hinders her on her journey,
and it's actively kind of harmful to her to in helping her discover her sexuality,
so, yeah, I think it's not a good idea to be telling asexuals that they're just
late bloomers cause it's not helpful.
Yeah, I think this brushing off of people who have a sincerely held identity
is quite infantilizing or dismissive of the way that they feel.
And yeah, it also means that people are put in a position where they might be
starting to question whether they could be aromantic or asexual and this kinda
cuts them off from the exploration by saying, "No, no, that's not what you are,
you're this, you just haven't reached that stage yet."
Um, so I think that it's always really healthy to keep options open
to make sure that people can really look into, um, explore and research different
identities to see what fits them rather than just saying to them,
"Don't worry, you'll be that normal one. You just gotta wait a bit longer before
it happens."
It's also one of my personal pet peeves that people find out that I'm aroace
and they just assume that I'm like a baby, who cannot even deal with the idea of
talking or hearing about sex or romance. Um, it's just very annoying like
I'm 25 years old, I know what sex is! [chuckles]
Um, so yeah, that's just very annoying.
I feel like this is quite similar to the last one. The big issue with it
is that it really invalidates people's experiences, the way that their-
and their identities as well.
Um, yeah, I think that this is the same argument that's tossed out [to]
a lot of other sexualities, like gay people and bi people. Um, everyone who's
not straight kind of gets told, like, this is just a phase,
you'll just grow out of it one day. Um, and I mean, sometimes, sexuality
and identity does change over time but often it doesn't,
and going around telling people, "Oh, no, it's okay, you'll change one day,"
"you'll grow out this," that's just not helpful to anyone.
Yeah, our people- [there are] a lot of people who identify one way and then they identify
a different way, and that doesn't mean those identities are inherently a phase,
or that was a lie; that was how you sincerely identified at the time,
or the way in which you wanted to label yourself.
I think that like we would never say that just because someone used to identify
as straight and now identifies as gay, that being straight is a phase,
um, and so I think that we can all understand that that's not the case
with other sexualities either.
So there's a bit in Loveless where Georgia, the protagonist, is Googling
asexuality and aromanticism for the first time, and she is just bombarded
with information, um and she says something like, you know, being asexual wasn't-
it wasn't like a graph, it was like a radar chart with a dozen different axes.
Um, and I think that kind of sums up asexuality and aromanticism,
cause it is complicated, like there's a lot to learn about it.
I think that all sexualities are not just on a spectrum. Um,
like, the Kinsey scale, is probably the one people have heard of most often.
Um, because there are all of these different ways in which we experience
and identify and different feelings that we might have at different times,
um, and I think that asexuality and aromanticism is like, part of that map,
web... uh, situation. And I don't necessarily think that that being that quite
complicated needs to be a scary thing or a worrying thing.
I think that the reason why it's so complicated is that it can be quite
freeing for people to say, "Oh wait, this really specific thing that I'm feeling,
that I'm starting to articulate about myself, is the same thing that someone
else is feeling, that I'm not alone," and so I don't necessarily think of it as
a scary thing, I think of it as something that's quite positive to a lot of people
to have that kind of complexity available. So, it's worth noting here that within the
kind of spectrum/web of asexuality and aromanticism, you have, uh, identities
like demi and grey which, uh, [are] ways in which people experience attraction that is
kind of- I guess, in between the two extremes, in some way or another.
And I also think one of the really interesting things about this web
that takes, um, experiences and wants and desires into account means that we start
to unpick what heteronormativity has said is normal and expected,
and you can decide the kind of things that you want and don't want.
Even if you're someone who is straight, there will be particular experiences-
or particular activities, or wants, or sexual acts or things like that-
that are expected of you, within the overarching idea of what it means
to be straight, that you don't necessarily have to want or do.
And so, I think that, again, that this web is something that isn't something
to be feared, but something that can really be liberating to a lot of people.
Again, this is kind of following on from the last myth. There is, or can be,
a difference in people's experiences, their wants, their sex drive,
their desires, their identity; those things don't necessarily match up.
So, this might be a repetitive point, but, um, the important thing to remember about
asexuality and aromanticism is that they're just a lack or little,
um, sexual or romantic attraction. Uh, there's really nothing to do with
anything else. Like, even if you are asexual or aromantic, you could feel
all sorts of different ways about having sex, about being in relationships,
about romance, you know. Like you've said, it's a big web of all different
experiences and feelings.
So, some asexual people have a sex drive and a libido, some don't.
Uh, some will masturbate, some won't. Some will have sex with their partners,
uh, and some won't, and the reasons for that are not sexual attraction,
but other reasons. So, they might have sex with their partners to feel close
to them, um, because it feels physically good. Um, but yeah,
as Alice said, it's just not something that's based on sexual attraction.
So obviously, this is such a myth, and one of the big messages in Loveless is
that you can find a happily ever after without romance, and that
platonic relationships can be just as powerful and special as romantic
relationships. Um, unfortunately, we live in a society where romance is
kind of lauded as the best thing ever, and everyone should be aspiring
to find "the one" and fall in love and have an amazing love story.
But, the reality is that, you know, some people just won't feel happy experiencing
that, so we should all be able to find that kind of joy and happiness in
platonic relationships as well.
Similar to the über evasive idea of, like, the happily ever after romantic ending,
just our media, advertising, um, it's- our humor, even, is all so based on
sex, romance, and relationships. And, so, it's completely understandable
that if you are not experiencing that attraction, that it might make you feel
like there's something wrong with you. And, I think this is one of the really
important reasons to talk about aromanticism and asexuality;
is to allow people to imagine a fulfilling life that doesn't necessarily involve
those things; um, to not force yourself to want to want something,
um, that doesn't come to you naturally, and that isn't something that you're
going to be happy trying to strive towards.
Um, I'll just add to that- that idea kind of benefits everyone, even people who
aren't asexual and aromantic. Like, feeling pressured to find the perfect love story
is not a good thing for anyone, no matter your sexuality, so understanding that you
shouldn't have to strive for that idealized life and you should just try and
enjoy, you know, what you have is a good thing for everyone.
One really big issue for the asexual and aromantic communities is that
they're often seen as being mental illnesses or things that need to be
treated, often by- even by doctors or therapists. Um, it's just quite a big issue
in the community, um, and it shouldn't be a thing.
Although it is worth noting- because obviously, we love a bit of nuance,
uh, and nothing is always black and white- um, but there will be people who experience,
um, asexuality because of trauma, and that's something that might last
a short amount of time, it might be something that's with them for a long
amount of time, um, and this doesn't negate or undermine people who identify
as asexual, um, and it's my personal belief that the resources and information that
are available to the asexual community should be available to anyone who
experiences that in any way, um, if that is something that they think is going to
help them. Um, so, it's one of those things that need a bit of nuance,
that there- it's not inherently a mental illness, but there may be some people
that experience it for reasons other than it being their inherent sexuality,
and those things can coexist together.
Uh, so being sex-positive- the idea that you support people owning their sexuality
and doing what they want with regards to sex- um, there's no reason why asexuals
would be against that at all. Um, in Loveless, actually, the protagonist,
Georgia, uh, her roommate at university is very, very sex-positive, very outgoing,
she likes to express herself sexually a lot. [chuckles]
Um, and I wanted that to be one of the most important relationships in the story,
because it- even though Georgia and her roommate, Roonie, they have very
different experiences and feelings about sex and about relationships, they can
still respect each other and learn a lot from each other, um, and that's how
things should be.
Being asexual, again, it's not a moral choice, um, and therefore it's not a
choice that you can then impose on other people, or a kind of morality you can-
you would want to impose on other people, um, just because there are some asexual
people who are never gonna have sex, or might be what's called sex-repulsed,
so, for them personally, it's never something that they want to participate in,
but it's not then a feeling that they are going to project onto other people,
or expect other people to feel as well. Um, so yeah, completely a myth.
Hello, it's me, the creator of a YA romance graphic novel series.
[Laughs] Um, yeah, this is completely a myth. Like, I love reading and watching romance movies
and books, um, and the protagonist of Loveless, Georgia, is, you know,
in the second chapter, she's like, "I love romance, I love fan fiction,
I love Disney." Just because someone is asexual or aromantic doesn't mean
that they can't enjoy reading about it or watching it on TV.
Again it's- it's- it's this spectrum, it's different experiences that people have.
There will be some aromantic or asexual people who might not be interested
in that kind of media.
So this, honestly, just sounds like something that a- just a mean school
playground bully would say, and it's also like 1000% untrue.
Yeah, this is definitely untrue. Um, like, personally, I have had opportunities to
have a relationship, but I've always just been like, "Mm... no thanks!" [chuckles]
So, yeah, it's not for lack of opportunity. This is- yeah, this is just a weird
bully-ish argument that makes no sense and is kind of pathetic.
[Chuckles] This is actually something that aroace activist Yasmine Benoit has
talked about a lot. Um, she's a British aroace activist. Uh, she goes on loads of
shows, and does loads of articles and stuff specifically talking about the
misconception that asexuals have a specific look or they dress a specific way.
Um, and Yasmine herself is a professional model, as well, so there you go! [Laughs]
Yeah, I personally think that the complete lack of representation is what contributes
to this. Um, people don't really have any idea of what asexual and aromantic people
are like because they're just not on TV, they're very rarely in books. Um,
and popular characters that have been, you know, decided that they're asexual
by their fans are often people like Sherlock from BBC's Sherlock,
Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, people who are often quite unfeeling.
Um, whereas we need more positive representation of actual, well-rounded
people. Like, for example, I really liked the representation, um, of an asexual
character in Season 2 of Sex Education. Although it was very short, and kind of
shoe-horned in, it was actually about a girl who has a whole personality.
She's passionate about theater, like, she's, you know, got this whole
life, and she's not some sort of unfeeling, emotionless person.
Um, that's what I think we need more of, generally.
Yeah, I was really excited to see that in Sex Education as well. I think they've
tackled a lot of different kinds of sexualities,
and that felt quite missing for me from Season 1, especially cause I know
quite a lot of people wanted the main character to be asexual, so
I was really excited to see that as well.
One of the earliest adopters of different, um, identities or experiences,
um, especially in the UK, is often soap operas. Um, we tend to see, like,
the first kiss on-screen in the UK. Like, all this stuff, they-
they always tend to be in soap operas. I've talked about this before, but
for a couple of different reasons, including the idea that if
the character doesn't go down well they can just remove the character without
much of an issue cause there's so many other characters that can
fill in their shoes, um, but it does end up being quite pioneering. And, so,
we had, I think, what must be one of the first asexual characters
on UK TV in 2018, with the character of Liv in Emmerdale, um, who
came out as asexual. Um, I love Liv, and I love the way that they
did that storyline. She has, um, her brother is gay, and had a really, really pioneering
storyline. He's been on the soap since he was a kid, and they kind of
followed him for his whole life so far. And, so, it was really interesting
getting to see, um, a gay and asexual sibling, and the way in which they
communicate with each other, explain their sexualities to each other, um, and just
really love each other through everything. Um, and so, yeah, to see this
teenage girl character work that out about her sexuality, and try and find
a relationship with someone that would understand that part of her
was, and is, really exciting to see. And finally, on to our last myth!
This is just fundamentally untrue. Um, that- there's been evidence of asexual
involvement in the LGBTQ+ community, and movements throughout the 20th century.
Um, so, asexuality existed as a label long before the invention of Tumblr, and
it's definitely a myth that Tumblr had anything to do with its creation.
The Internet didn't invent asexuality or aromanticism. What it has done,
however, is allow people to spread information, um, and advice, and to allow
people to meet each other, and to find each other,
and to make them feel less alone.
And of course, just because the words didn't exist at one point,
that doesn't mean that people weren't still those identities.
People will have been asexual and aromantic throughout history,
just like they have been [for] all other sexualities
So, those were 13 myths busted! Um, I hope you enjoyed that!
Uh, Alice, if people want to know more about what you do, or find you on the Internet,
where should they be looking?
You can come and follow me on Twitter or Instagram @aliceoseman, or
you can find out more about Loveless, [chuckles] or any of my other books, uh,
on my website, aliceoseman.com.
In the comments, I would love to hear about the types of aromantic and asexual
characters you would like to see represented in media.
As always, if you would like to help support me make these videos,
I'll leave a link to my Patreon, uh, as well as all my social media, so
you can find me all over the Internet. And, until I see you next time, bye!