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When it comes to identities and
experiences that we haven't come across

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in real life or been taught about 
in schools, we tend to rely on

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the media to teach us about them.
Now, this media might be documentaries,

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or news reports- things that are factual-
or fictional books, TV shows,

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or films. Now, sometimes, the media
produced about these identities

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or experiences is empathy-filled.
It's got accurate information based

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on lived experiences and deep research,
but sometimes, [it] doesn't.

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This kind of flawed representation 
in media might replicate damaging tropes,

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or include the spread of misinformation.

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The importance of representation
is something that I talk about a lot

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on this channel, and that's the reason 
that I wanted to make this video today.

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What happens to identities and experiences
that we might not see around us,

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that we aren't taught about in schools,
and don't have much representation

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in the media. Well, it turns out a lot
of myths and misconceptions start to form.

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When you look for media with asexual
and aromantic protagonists in [them],

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it's almost impossible. A lot of lists of 
any ace or aro characters will be

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side characters or characters that are
just headcanoned to be that by their fans,

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not anything that's explicit in the text 
itself.

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And that is why I was so excited when I 
got sent this new book in the post.

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It's called Loveless, by Alice Oseman,
and it has an aroace protagonist.

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I read this book in like a day.
I know it's the ultimate cliche-

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couldn't put it down.
I genuinely couldn't.

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As an asexual lesbian, this was the kind
of representation I had never seen before

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and it just made me feel so seen.

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So if this sort of aro/ace coming of age 
novel, with multiple queer characters,

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um, a Shakespeare play, because you know 
the queers love a good Shakespeare play,

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amazing female friendships,
if that kind of appeals to you,

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oh my God, check this book out.
You will not regret it.

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So I reached out initially to see if Alice
would be interested in being in like

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a debunking, uh, video, and Harper Collins 
very generously offered to just sponsor

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this whole video. Um, so, I'm going to 
leave a link in the description

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for you to find out more about the book,
or buy it if you want, cause it is out now.

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And without further ado
let's bust some myths!

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So what do we mean by asexual 
and aromantic?

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Well there are different definitions
and different wordings,

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but here is what we're gonna go with:

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It's worth noting that

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And if you're still confused, hopefully
the rest of this video will clear up

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any misunderstandings or myths
that you might've heard.

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And you have to be both.

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So hopefully the definitions have sort of 
busted this myth for us,

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but aromanticism and asexuality
are different things.

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So, you can be both, you can be neither,
or you could be one or the other.

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So, some people feel that their romantic
attraction and their sexual attraction

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are very similar, or they feel like
the same thing so a lot of gay,

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and straight and bi and pan people
feel like their attraction is kind of-

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their romantic and sexual attraction is
linked together,

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but often for asexual and aromantic, 
and people of other sexualities,

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um, they just feel like two different
things. But again, not always.

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Like for me, I'm aromantic and asexual
and I feel like they're quite linked

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together, they feel like a similar thing-
part of a similar thing to me.

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Um, so yeah, just remember it varies for
different people.

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Yeah, exactly! So you may have sexual
attraction to all genders.

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You might, for that example, identify as
pansexual, um, but only for romantic

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attraction towards one gender.
There are also other kinds of attraction

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that again, for a lot of people, are all
bundled up into one.

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Uh, things like aesthetic attraction, so
attraction to the way that someone looks,

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or sensual attraction, a desire for 
touch which isn't necessarily sexual but

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sensual in nature. And again you might
experience all, none, or a mixture

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of these different types of attraction.

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Obviously, this is very untrue. Um, 
asexuality is not the same thing

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as just choosing not to have sex.
It's not the same thing as abstinence

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or celibacy, or anything like that.
Um, I think it's important to remember

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that asexuality is about a lack of
attraction. It's nothing to do with choice

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or deciding not to have sex.
Um, and it's also worth remembering

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that lots of asexuals do have sex anyway.
[Chuckles]

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So I think that this myth comes from the
idea that people who do experience

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sexual attraction know that at one point
when they were younger, they didn't,

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and so they assume that everyone who
doesn't is just on the same journey

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as them, and it's just a matter of time,
but that is not necessarily the case.

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So the idea of being a late bloomer
is actually something that comes up a lot

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in my book, Loveless, which you can see
in the corner here.

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Um, it's something that the protagonist,
Georgia, worries about a lot.

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She, especially at first, she thinks, "Oh
well, I can't be asexual, I'm just a late

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bloomer," like, I just need to wait and
until I find the right person.

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But it's actually this idea that kind of
hinders her on her journey,

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and it's actively kind of harmful to her to
in helping her discover her sexuality,

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so, yeah, I think it's not a good idea to be
telling asexuals that they're just

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late bloomers cause it's not helpful.

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Yeah, I think this brushing off of people
who have a sincerely held identity

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is quite infantilizing or dismissive
of the way that they feel.

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And yeah, it also means that people are
put in a position where they might be

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starting to question whether they could be
aromantic or asexual and this kinda

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cuts them off from the exploration by
saying, "No, no, that's not what you are,

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you're this, you just haven't reached
that stage yet."

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Um, so I think that it's always really
healthy to keep options open

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to make sure that people can really look
into, um, explore and research different

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identities to see what fits them rather
than just saying to them,

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"Don't worry, you'll be that normal one.
You just gotta wait a bit longer before

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it happens."

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It's also one of my personal pet peeves
that people find out that I'm aroace

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and they just assume that I'm like a baby,
who cannot even deal with the idea of

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talking or hearing about sex or romance.
Um, it's just very annoying like

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I'm 25 years old, I know what sex is!
[chuckles]

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Um, so yeah, that's just very annoying.

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I feel like this is quite similar to the
last one. The big issue with it

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is that it really invalidates people's
experiences, the way that their-

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and their identities as well.

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Um, yeah, I think that this is the same
argument that's tossed out [to]

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a lot of other sexualities, like gay people
and bi people. Um, everyone who's

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not straight kind of gets told, like,
this is just a phase,

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you'll just grow out of it one day.
Um, and I mean, sometimes, sexuality

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and identity does change over time
but often it doesn't,

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and going around telling people,
"Oh, no, it's okay, you'll change one day,"

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"you'll grow out this,"
that's just not helpful to anyone.

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Yeah, our people- [there are] a lot of people who
identify one way and then they identify

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a different way, and that doesn't mean
those identities are inherently a phase,

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or that was a lie; that was how you
sincerely identified at the time,

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or the way in which you wanted to 
label yourself.

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I think that like we would never say
that just because someone used to identify

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as straight and now identifies as gay,
that being straight is a phase,

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um, and so I think that we can all
understand that that's not the case

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with other sexualities either.

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So there's a bit in Loveless where
Georgia, the protagonist, is Googling

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asexuality and aromanticism for the 
first time, and she is just bombarded

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with information, um and she says something
like, you know, being asexual wasn't-

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it wasn't like a graph, it was like a
radar chart with a dozen different axes.

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Um, and I think that kind of sums up
asexuality and aromanticism,

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cause it is complicated, like there's a lot
to learn about it.

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I think that all sexualities are not
just on a spectrum. Um,

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like, the Kinsey scale, is probably the one
people have heard of most often.

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Um, because there are all of these
different ways in which we experience

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and identify and different feelings that
we might have at different times,

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um, and I think that asexuality and
aromanticism is like, part of that map,

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web... uh, situation. And I don't necessarily
think that that being that quite

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complicated needs to be a scary thing
or a worrying thing.

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I think that the reason why it's so
complicated is that it can be quite

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freeing for people to say, "Oh wait, this
really specific thing that I'm feeling,

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that I'm starting to articulate about
myself, is the same thing that someone

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else is feeling, that I'm not alone,"
and so I don't necessarily think of it as

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a scary thing, I think of it as something
that's quite positive to a lot of people

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to have that kind of complexity available.
So, it's worth noting here that within the

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kind of spectrum/web of asexuality
and aromanticism, you have, uh, identities

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like demi and grey which, uh, [are] ways in which
people experience attraction that is

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kind of- I guess, in between the two
extremes, in some way or another.

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And I also think one of the really
interesting things about this web

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that takes, um, experiences and wants and desires
into account means that we start

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to unpick what heteronormativity has said 
is normal and expected,

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and you can decide the kind of things
that you want and don't want.

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Even if you're someone who is straight,
there will be particular experiences-

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or particular activities, or wants, or
sexual acts or things like that-

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that are expected of you, within the
overarching idea of what it means

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to be straight, that you don't
necessarily have to want or do.

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And so, I think that, again, that this web is
something that isn't something

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to be feared, but something that can really
be liberating to a lot of people.

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Again, this is kind of following on from
the last myth. There is, or can be,

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a difference in people's experiences,
their wants, their sex drive,

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their desires, their identity; those 
things don't necessarily match up.

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So, this might be a repetitive point, but, um,
the important thing to remember about

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asexuality and aromanticism is that
they're just a lack or little,

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um, sexual or romantic attraction.
Uh, there's really nothing to do with

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anything else. Like, even if you are
asexual or aromantic, you could feel

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all sorts of different ways about having
sex, about being in relationships,

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about romance, you know. Like you've
said, it's a big web of all different

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experiences and feelings.

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So, some asexual people have a sex drive
and a libido, some don't.

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Uh, some will masturbate, some won't.
Some will have sex with their partners,

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uh, and some won't, and the reasons for
that are not sexual attraction,

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but other reasons. So, they might have 
sex with their partners to feel close

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to them, um, because it feels physically 
good. Um, but yeah,

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as Alice said, it's just not something
that's based on sexual attraction.

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So obviously, this is such a myth, and 
one of the big messages in Loveless is

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that you can find a happily ever after
without romance, and that

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platonic relationships can be just as
powerful and special as romantic

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relationships. Um, unfortunately,
we live in a society where romance is

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kind of lauded as the best thing ever,
and everyone should be aspiring

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to find "the one" and fall in love and
have an amazing love story.

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But, the reality is that, you know, some
people just won't feel happy experiencing

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that, so we should all be able to find
that kind of joy and happiness in

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platonic relationships as well.

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Similar to the über evasive idea of, like,
the happily ever after romantic ending,

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just our media, advertising, um, it's-
our humor, even, is all so based on

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sex, romance, and relationships.
And, so, it's completely understandable

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that if you are not experiencing that
attraction, that it might make you feel

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like there's something wrong with you.
And, I think this is one of the really

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important reasons to talk about 
aromanticism and asexuality;

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is to allow people to imagine a fulfilling
life that doesn't necessarily involve

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those things; um, to not force yourself
to want to want something,

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um, that doesn't come to you naturally,
and that isn't something that you're

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going to be happy trying to strive towards.

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Um, I'll just add to that- that idea kind of
benefits everyone, even people who

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aren't asexual and aromantic. Like, feeling
pressured to find the perfect love story

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is not a good thing for anyone, no matter your
sexuality, so understanding that you

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shouldn't have to strive for that
idealized life and you should just try and

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enjoy, you know, what you have
is a good thing for everyone.

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One really big issue for the asexual
and aromantic communities is that

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they're often seen as being mental
illnesses or things that need to be

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treated, often by- even by doctors or
therapists. Um, it's just quite a big issue

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in the community, um, 
and it shouldn't be a thing.

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Although it is worth noting- because
obviously, we love a bit of nuance,

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uh, and nothing is always black and white-
um, but there will be people who experience,

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um, asexuality because of trauma,
and that's something that might last

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a short amount of time, it might be
something that's with them for a long

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amount of time, um, and this doesn't negate 
or undermine people who identify

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as asexual, um, and it's my personal belief
that the resources and information that

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are available to the asexual community 
should be available to anyone who

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experiences that in any way, um, if that is 
something that they think is going to

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help them. Um, so, it's one of those things
that need a bit of nuance,

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that there- it's not inherently a mental
illness, but there may be some people

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that experience it for reasons other than
it being their inherent sexuality,

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and those things can coexist together.

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Uh, so being sex-positive- the idea that you
support people owning their sexuality

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and doing what they want with regards
to sex- um, there's no reason why asexuals

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would be against that at all. 
Um, in Loveless, actually, the protagonist,

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Georgia, uh, her roommate at university
is very, very sex-positive, very outgoing,

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she likes to express herself sexually a lot. 
[chuckles]

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Um, and I wanted that to be one of the most
important relationships in the story,

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because it- even though Georgia and
her roommate, Roonie, they have very

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different experiences and feelings about
sex and about relationships, they can

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still respect each other and learn a lot
from each other, um, and that's how

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things should be.

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Being asexual, again, it's not a moral
choice, um, and therefore it's not a

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choice that you can then impose on other
people, or a kind of morality you can-

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you would want to impose on other people,
um, just because there are some asexual

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people who are never gonna have sex, or
might be what's called sex-repulsed,

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so, for them personally, it's never 
something that they want to participate in,

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but it's not then a feeling that they are
going to project onto other people,

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or expect other people to feel as well.
Um, so yeah, completely a myth.

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Hello, it's me, the creator of a YA
romance graphic novel series.

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[Laughs] Um, yeah, this is completely a myth.
Like, I love reading and watching romance movies

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and books, um, and the protagonist of
Loveless, Georgia, is, you know,

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in the second chapter, she's like,
"I love romance, I love fan fiction,

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I love Disney." Just because someone is
asexual or aromantic doesn't mean

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that they can't enjoy reading about it
or watching it on TV.

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Again it's- it's- it's this spectrum, 
it's different experiences that people have.

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There will be some aromantic or asexual 
people who might not be interested

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in that kind of media.

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So this, honestly, just sounds like 
something that a- just a mean school

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playground bully would say, and it's
also like 1000% untrue.

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Yeah, this is definitely untrue. Um, like,
personally, I have had opportunities to

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have a relationship, but I've always just
been like, "Mm... no thanks!" [chuckles]

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So, yeah, it's not for lack of opportunity.
This is- yeah, this is just a weird

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bully-ish argument that makes no sense
and is kind of pathetic.

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[Chuckles] This is actually something that
aroace activist Yasmine Benoit has

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talked about a lot. Um, she's a British 
aroace activist. Uh, she goes on loads of

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shows, and does loads of articles and stuff
specifically talking about the

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misconception that asexuals have a 
specific look or they dress a specific way.

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Um, and Yasmine herself is a professional 
model, as well, so there you go! [Laughs]

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Yeah, I personally think that the complete 
lack of representation is what contributes

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to this. Um, people don't really have any
idea of what asexual and aromantic people

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are like because they're just not on TV,
they're very rarely in books. Um,

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and popular characters that have been, 
you know, decided that they're asexual

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by their fans are often people like 
Sherlock from BBC's Sherlock,

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Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory,
people who are often quite unfeeling.

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Um, whereas we need more positive
representation of actual, well-rounded

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people. Like, for example, I really liked
the representation, um, of an asexual

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character in Season 2 of Sex Education. 
Although it was very short, and kind of

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shoe-horned in, it was actually about a 
girl who has a whole personality.

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She's passionate about theater, like,
she's, you know, got this whole

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life, and she's not some sort of unfeeling,
emotionless person.

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Um, that's what I think we need
more of, generally.

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Yeah, I was really excited to see that in
Sex Education as well. I think they've

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tackled a lot of different
kinds of sexualities,

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and that felt quite missing for me
from Season 1, especially cause I know

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quite a lot of people wanted the main
character to be asexual, so

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I was really excited to see that as well.

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One of the earliest adopters of 
different, um, identities or experiences,

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um, especially in the UK, is often
soap operas. Um, we tend to see, like,

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the first kiss on-screen in the UK. 
Like, all this stuff, they-

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they always tend to be in soap operas.
I've talked about this before, but

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for a couple of different reasons,
including the idea that if

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the character doesn't go down well
they can just remove the character without

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much of an issue cause there's 
so many other characters that can

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fill in their shoes, um, but it does end up
being quite pioneering. And, so,

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we had, I think, what must be
one of the first asexual characters

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on UK TV in 2018, with the character of
Liv in Emmerdale, um, who

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came out as asexual. Um, I love Liv,
and I love the way that they

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did that storyline. She has, um, her brother
is gay, and had a really, really pioneering

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storyline. He's been on the soap since
he was a kid, and they kind of

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followed him for his whole life so far.
And, so, it was really interesting

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getting to see, um, a gay and asexual
sibling, and the way in which they

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communicate with each other, explain their
sexualities to each other, um, and just

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really love each other through everything.
Um, and so, yeah, to see this

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teenage girl character work that out
about her sexuality, and try and find

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a relationship with someone that
would understand that part of her

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was, and is, really exciting to see.
And finally, on to our last myth!

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This is just fundamentally untrue. Um,
that- there's been evidence of asexual

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involvement in the LGBTQ+ community,
and movements throughout the 20th century.

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Um, so, asexuality existed as a label
long before the invention of Tumblr, and

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it's definitely a myth that Tumblr had 
anything to do with its creation.

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The Internet didn't invent asexuality
or aromanticism. What it has done,

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however, is allow people to spread
information, um, and advice, and to allow

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people to meet each other, and 
to find each other,

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and to make them feel less alone.

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And of course, just because the words
didn't exist at one point,

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that doesn't mean that people
weren't still those identities.

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People will have been asexual and
aromantic throughout history,

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just like they have been [for]
all other sexualities

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So, those were 13 myths busted! Um,
I hope you enjoyed that!

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Uh, Alice, if people want to know more about 
what you do, or find you on the Internet,

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where should they be looking?

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You can come and follow me on Twitter or 
Instagram @aliceoseman, or

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you can find out more about Loveless,
[chuckles] or any of my other books, uh,

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on my website, aliceoseman.com.

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In the comments, I would love to hear
about the types of aromantic and asexual

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characters you would like to see
represented in media.

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As always, if you would like to help 
support me make these videos,

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I'll leave a link to my Patreon,
uh, as well as all my social media, so

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you can find me all over the Internet. And,
until I see you next time, bye!