Simon Sinek: Why Leaders Eat Last

(bright piano music)

- So the date is August 16th, 2002

and flying over a valley in Afghanistan

are two A-10 Warthogs.

An A-10 is a heavily armored, low-flying,

slow aircraft designed
to provide ground cover

for troops on the ground.

On this night it's a
very, very cloudy night.

There are storms in the area.

And these two planes hanging
up above just waiting

in case anybody down below needs help.

Up there it's gorgeous.

The moon is bright.

There's thousand of stars in the sky.

The clouds look like the
snow had just fallen.

Down below in the valley, however,

there were 22 special forces,

special operations forces troops,

trying to make their
way through the country

and they could feel that
something was wrong.

They felt uneasy.

One of the pilots up above
call signed Johnny Bravo,

and yes, he stands like this,

he could feel their unease

listening to them over the radio

so he decides he was gonna
go down below the cloud

and just have a look.

He tells his wingman, "Hang out up here.

"I'll go see what there is."

And he points his plane
down into the clouds.

As he's going through the clouds,

the call comes over the radio.

Troops in contact.

Troops in contact is what they say

when they come under effective fire.

It means they're in trouble.

Now Johnny Bravo points
his plane straight down.

The plane's getting thrashed
about in the turbulence.

When he comes out below the clouds

he's less than 1,000 feet off the ground

and he's flying in a valley,

cliffs on both sides.

This is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped

with ground hugging radar

and worse, they were
using old Russian maps.

That's all they had at the time.

The sight that greets him

is something like he's never seen before,

not in training and not in the movies.

He sees tracer fire,

fire coming from all sides of the valley

pointed right in the middle
where the American forces are.

He picks a point and starts
to lay down suppressing fire.

He's flying

and he's in danger of
hitting the cliff, of course.

He knows his speed, he knows
his distance from the map,

and he literally counts out loud

while he lays down the suppressing fire,

"One one thousand, two one thousand,

"three one thousand, four one
thousand, five one thousand."

Pulls hard on the stick,
pulls back up into the cloud,

comes down around again.

"One one thousand, two one thousand,

"three one thousand, four one thousand."

"Good hits, good hits,"
it says over his radio.

And again he comes around.

"One one thousand, two one thousand,

"three one thousand, four one
thousand, five one thousand."

He runs out of ammunition.

Fuel is fine.

Flies back up to the top of the cloud,

tells his wingman, "You
need to get down there."

His wingman isn't sure
about the conditions

so the two of them fly back down together.

His wingman lays down the suppressing fire

and Johnny Bravo counts

as they fly three feet
apart from each other,

wing to wing.

"One one thousand, two one thousand,

"three one thousand, four one
thousand, five one thousand."

Up and around again.

"One one thousand, two one thousand,

"three one thousand, four one
thousand, five one thousand."

That night 22 Americans went home alive

with zero causalities.

My question is

is where do people like
Johnny Bravo come from?

Who are they?

Who would risk their lives for others

so that they may survive?

I asked Johnny Bravo.

I asked him, "Why would you do it?

"Why would you risk your life
so that others may survive?"

He gave me the same answer

that everybody in his position gives,

"Because they would have done it for me."

Now, if you think about it

in the military they give medal to people

who are willing to sacrifice themselves

so that others may gain.

In business we give bonuses to people

who are willing to sacrifice
others so that we may gain.

We have it backwards.

Wouldn't you like to
work in an organization

in which you have the absolute confidence

and the absolute knowledge

that other people that
you may or may not know

who work in the same organization as you

would be willing to sacrifice themselves

so that you may survive.

We're not talking about giving your life.

We don't even like to
give up credit, you know?

Where do people like
Johnny Bravo come from?

Well it's an age old question.

They're not born, they're actually made.

If you look at the human animal,

the human animal is like a machine.

There are systems inside our bodies

that are trying to get us to do things

that are in the interest of the survival

of the human animal.

Just like in a business, in a company,

if you want people to do something

you offer them some sort of
positive or negative incentive

to direct the behavior, right?

If you want people to
achieve a certain goal,

you offer them a bonus
if they achieve that goal

and they'll work towards that goal

because they want the bonus.

It's a very simple system.

The human body works exactly the same way.

It works exactly the same way.

Inside our bodies are chemicals

that are trying to get us to do things

that are in the best interest of us.

If you've ever had a feeling of happiness,

pride, joy, love, fulfillment,

all of these feelings that we have

are chemically produced feelings.

They're produced by four
chemicals predominantly.

These are basically responsible

for all of the feelings

that I would generically call happiness.

They are endorphins, dopamine,
serotonin, and oxytocin.

EDSO.

These two chemicals,
endorphins and dopamine,

I like to call these the selfish chemicals

because you don't really need
anybody's help to get them.

Let me tell you a little
bit about what they are.

Endorphins.

Endorphins are designed to do
one thing and one thing only,

mask physical pain.

That's it.

That's what they do.

If you're a runner,

if you've ever gone
and done heavy exercise

you've heard of an endorphin
rush or a runner's high.

Basically what's happening is
when that runner's out there

pushing their bodies harder
than they've ever pushed before

they feel good.

When they're done with their
run they feel fantastic.

Then an hour later they're in pain

for damage they caused to
their muscles an hour before.

This is what endorphins
are designed to do.

They're designed to make physical pain.

The caveman reason for this stuff,

'cause this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago,

understand homo sapien
existed at the same time

as other hominid species

and yet we survived and they didn't.

What is it about this species

that's so good at survival and thriving?

Look at the world we've built.

It's not just that we're smart.

We're certainly not the strongest

and we're certainly not the smartest.

It's that we're social animals.

We have to do things together.

We have to look after each other.

And we have to work together

to ensure that we
survive, that we do well.

This is how we're designed.

These chemicals are trying
to make that happen.

In these caveman times 50,000 years ago,

Paleolithic era,

we had to eat.

We're not the strongest,
we're not the fastest.

But there's one thing that
the human animal is made for:

endurance.

We could track an animal for
hours and hours and hours

and miles and miles and miles

and if we were tired we'd keep going.

If we got injured

or we had to bring the
food back to the cave,

we'd continue to do it.

It was so good, it felt so good,

that maybe we'd even volunteer
to go hunting the next day

just like we get addicted
to exercise, right?

Oh my God, it was so much fun yesterday.

I will totally go hunting tomorrow.

Good system for the survival of the group.

Good system.

By the way, the reason laughing feels good

is because of endorphins.

You're actually convulsing
your internal organs

and endorphins are
masking the physical pain.

I'm sure everybody here
has laughed so much

that the endorphins eventually run out

and you go, "Stop, stop, it hurts."

(audience laughing)

Endorphins.

They feel good.

Dopamine.

Dopamine is the feeling

that you found something
you're looking for

or that you accomplish something
you set out to accomplish.

You know that feeling you get

when you cross something
off your to do list?

That's dopamine.

Feels awesome.

You know when you have a goal to hit

and you achieve that goal
and you're like, "Yes!"

You feel like you've won something, right?

That's dopamine.

The whole purpose of dopamine

is to make sure that we get stuff done.

The historical reason for dopamine,

we would never eat if we only
waited until we got hungry

because there was no guarantee
that we would find food.

So dopamine exists to help
us go looking for food.

We get dopamine when we eat,

which is one of the
reasons we like eating,

and so when you see something

that reminds you of
something that feels good

we wanna do the behavior

that helps us get that feeling, right?

Let's say you're out
there going for a walk

and you see an apple tree in the distance.

(fingers snapping)
You get a small hit

of dopamine.

Then what it does is it
focuses us on our goals.

Now we start walking
towards the apple tree.

As the apple tree starts
to get a little bigger,

we feel like we're making progress,

(fingers snapping)
you get another little shot

of dopamine

(fingers snapping)
and another little

shot of dopamine until you get to the tree

and you're like, "Yes!"

This is why we're told you
must write down your goals.

Your goals must be tangible.

There's a biological reason for that.

We're very, very visually
oriented animals.

You have to be able to see the goal

for it to biologically stay focused.

If you don't write down your goals,

if you can't see your goals,

it's very hard to get
motivated, to get inspired.

For example, think
about corporate visions.

A corporate vision has to
be some thing we can see.

That's why it's called a vision.

You can see it.

To be the biggest, most respected,

to be the fastest growing are not visions.

They're nothing.

What does that even look like?

Respected by whom?

Your mother, your self,

your friends, your
shareholders, who knows?

What's the metric?

Don't know.

It's amorphous.

Doesn't motivate us.

Just like I can't tell you

you will get a bonus if you achieve more.

You're gonna ask me, "How much more?"

I'm gonna say, "More."

Doesn't work.

You need a tangible goal.

You need a tangible goal.

Here's a great vision.

Martin Luther King, I have a dream

that one day little black
children and little white children

will play on the playground together

then hold hands together.

We can imagine that.

We can set our sights on that.

Every time we achieve a
goal and achieve a metric

and achieve a milestone

that makes us feel like
we're making progress

to the vision we can see,

(fingers snapping)

we keep going and going and going

until we achieve something remarkable.

You have to be able to see it.

Dopamine.

Like I said, dopamine
is the feeling you get

when you set out to find something

you're looking for, as well.

We talked about the to do list.

I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago

and I had a bunch of errands to run

and I wrote down a little
list of things I had to do

and off I went.

As I was walking past, I
think it was the dry cleaners,

I don't remember, I was
walking past something,

I remembered oh, I have to do that

and I hadn't written it
down on my to do list

so I went in and finished
what I needed to do

and then when I came out I
then wrote it on my to do list

and then crossed it out.

(audience laughing)

'Cause I wanted the dopamine.

Feels good.

Dopamine comes with a warning.

Dopamine is highly,
highly, highly addictive.

Here's some other things
that release dopamine.

Alcohol, nicotine,
gambling, your cell phone.

(audience laughing)

Oh, you think I'm joking.

Okay, we've all been told

that if you wake up in the morning

and you crave a drink,
you might be an alcoholic.

Well if you wake up in the morning

and the first thing you
do is check your phone

before you even get out of bed,

you might be an addict.

If you walk from room to
room in your own apartment

holding your telephone,

(audience laughing)

you might be an addict.

When you're driving in your car

and you get a text and
your phone goes beep,

we hate email, true, we love
the beep, the buzz, the ding.

(moaning)

Right?

You'll be there in 10 minutes

and yet you have to look at it right now.

You might be an addict.

Even if you read it

and it says are you free
for dinner next Thursday

and you have to reply immediately,

you can't wait the 10 minutes,
you might be an addict.

For all you gen y's out there

who like to think that
you're better at multitasking

because you grew up with the technology,

then why do you keep crashing
your cars when you're texting?

(audience laughing)

You're not better at multitasking,

you're better at getting distracted.

In fact if you look at the statistics

diagnoses of ADD and ADHD

have risen 66% in the past 10 years.

ADD and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder.

Are you telling me out of nowhere

66% of our youth have a frontal problem?

Where did that come from?

No, it's a misdiagnosis.

What are the symptoms of a
dopamine addiction to technology?

Distractibility,

inability to get things done,

easily distracted, shortness of attention,

it's all the same thing
so we misdiagnose things.

It's this.

It's the addictive quality of dopamine.

We can also get addicted to
performance in our companies

when all they do is
give us numbers to hit,

numbers to hit, numbers to hit,

and a bonus you get and a bonus you get

and a bonus you get.

All they're doing is
feeding us with dopamine

and we can't help ourselves.

All we do is want more, more, and more.

It's no surprise that the
banks destroyed the economy

because one of the things we
know about a dopamine addict

is they will do anything
to get another hit,

sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources

and their relationships.

Ask any alcoholic, gambling
addict, or drug addict.

Ask them how their relationships are doing

and if they've squandered
any of their resources.

It's an addiction.

Dopamine is dangerous if it is unbalanced.

It is hugely helpful

when in a comfortable and balanced system.

But when unbalanced it's
dangerous and it's destructive.

You don't need anybody's
help to get these.

Go for a run, achieve your
goals, you'll get dopamine,

you'll get endorphins,

but you won't have any feeling

of fulfillment or love or trust.

That's where these come in.

These are attempting to manage these.

This is what makes our society great.

This is where people like
Johnny Bravo come from.

It's because of these two chemicals

that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibility.

Outside in the world is danger

at all times for various reasons.

In caveman times

that danger may have been
a saber-toothed tiger,

it may have been the weather,

it may have been a lack of resources,

it may have been who knows,
any number of things,

things that with no conscience
are trying to kill you.

They want to end your life.

So how do we survive?

We work together.

Together we come together in our groups

and our companies and our tribes

to feel like we belong,

to be around people who
believe what we believe

so that we may feel safe.

When we're surrounded by people

who have our best interest
in mind and we feel safe

we will organize ourselves and cooperate

to face the dangers externally.

Don't forget the outside
dangers are a constant.

In a modern world

the outside dangers
may be your competition

that's trying to put you out of business,

or at least steal your business.

It might be the ebbs and
flows of the economy.

It might be terrorism.

All of these unknowns all trying
to put you out of business,

take away your job, take
away your livelihood,

end it for you.

Nothing personal.

It's a constant.

Inside our organizations

the dangers we face are not a
constant, they are a variable.

They are the decisions of leadership

as to how safe they make
us feel when we go to work.

This is the job of leaders.

Aesop said it better than I can.

There's an Aesop fable

about four oxen that stand tail to tail.

Whenever the lion tries to eat them,

no matter what angle
from which he attacks,

he will always be met with horns.

However, due to infighting
and disagreements

they separate and they go and graze

in different parts of the field.

And one by one the lion picks
them off and kills them all.

When we stand together,

we can more easily face
the dangers outside.

When we break up inside our companies,

if our leaders don't allow us a space

to feel safe inside our own companies,

to feel like we belong,

then we have to, we're forced
to exert our own energy

to protect ourselves from each other

and, by the way, expose ourselves

to greater danger from the outside.

If you have to worry about politics,

if you have to worry about
someone stealing your credit,

if you have to worry about
your boss not having your back,

think about the energy you
invest, not in your business,

not in the products
you're trying to develop,

not in your work, not in
how great you're producing,

not in your creativity,

but in just keeping yourself feeling safe.

This is destructive.

The responsibility of
leadership is two things.

One, to determine who gets
in and who doesn't get in.

This is what it means to start with why.

What are our values, what are our beliefs?

Who can we allow in?

Second thing is to decide how big this is.

How big do we make the circle of safety?

How big do we make the
circle of belonging?

Do we keep it around just
our c-level executives

and call it an inner circle

and allow others to try
and fend for themselves

and maybe trying to get
into our inner circle?

Or do we extend it

to the outermost edges
of the organization?

Great leaders extend the circle of safety,

the circle of belonging,
out to the outer most edges

so the most junior person
feels like they belong,

feels safe, feels like they have top cover

from somebody like Johnny Bravo.

That's what these other two
chemicals are trying to do.

Serotonin is the leadership chemical,

is responsible for feelings
of pride and status.

This is why public
recognition is very important.

We are social animals and we
need the recognition of others.

This is why we have the Oscars

and this is why we have
public awards events.

This is why we have
commencement for graduation.

Think about it.

What does it really take
to graduate college?

You need to pay your bills,

fulfill the minimum requirements,

and collect enough credits.

That's it.

It's a formula.

You can get an email that
says congratulations,

you've fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation,

enclosed please print out
the PDF of your diploma.

PS, magna cum laude.

Right?

Wouldn't feel so good, right?

Instead we have a big ceremony

to recognize the accomplishment.

In the audience we put
our family and our friends

and our teachers, all
of those in our tribe

who have supported us
and watched our backs

as we've made it through.

Then we show up on that day

and we go up on that stage
and we take our diploma.

It feels great.

We feel our status rise,
we feel our pride go up.

By the way, when you have
serotonin in your veins

your confidence goes up also.

Here's the best part about serotonin.

At the exact moment that
you took your diploma

and you felt that surge of
serotonin go through your body,

at the exact moment your
parents sitting in the audience

also got a surge of serotonin

and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate.

This is what serotonin is trying to do.

It is trying to reinforce the relationship

between parent and
child, boss and employee,

coach and player, the caregiver

and the one who is grateful
for the support they are given.

Think about it.

Think of the speeches that we give.

If you give an award to
somebody, what do they say?

I couldn't have done it,

I thank God, I thank my
parents, I thank my coach.

We thank the person who we
believe was looking out for us.

"We could not have done
this without them," we say.

And they look at us and they
say, "I'm so proud of you."

And we work to make them proud.

Great teams don't wanna win the trophy.

Great teams wanna win one for the coach.

They wanna make the coach proud.

We wanna make our parents proud.

It raises our status and
it raises our confidence

and it feels good and we in
turn will look after others

so that they may accomplish the same.

This is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do.

The problem is you can trick serotonin.

We live in a materialist society

so we judge status very
often in our country

based on how much money you make.

Any conspicuous display of
wealth raises your status.

This is why they put the
logos on the outside.

No good on the inside.

Nobody can see them.

We want the red line of our Prada glasses.

You own a pair of designer shoes,

how good does it feel to
put on your Gucci shoes?

Oh my God, it feels so good

and you walk out and you
feel a million bucks.

You can actually feel your confidence rise

when you put on the stuff

because it's showing
this display of status.

It feels great.

The problem is there was no relationship

that was reinforced because of it.

You tricked the system.

That's why we keep trying
to accomplish things

and accumulate more
and more material goods

and yet we never feel successful

because there was no relationship.

We tricked it, we gamed it.

Serotonin is the leadership chemical.

The reason I call it
the leadership chemical

is a historical reason, a
very simple historical reason.

We had a very practical problem

as our animal was developing,

as the homo sapien was developing.

We lived in communities of
about 100 and 150 people

and this is a very practical issue

which is if we're hungry

and somebody brings back food

and drop a carcass on the floor,

we're all gonna rush in to eat.

If you're lucky enough to
be built like a linebacker

you will elbow your way to the front.

If you're the artistic one of the family

(audience laughing)

you get the elbow in the face.

Not a good system to keep
the whole tribe alive

and definitely not a good
system for cooperation.

'Cause remember the value of group living

means that if I trust
you and you trust me,

I can fall asleep at night

and trust that you will
alert me to danger.

If I don't trust you, I
can't go to sleep at night.

It's the same in our companies.

If we trust each other,
we will turn our backs,

we will take risks, we will innovate,

we will do things that will
change the course of our world.

If I don't trust you I can't do that.

I can't do that.

There's value in group
living and group working.

If you got an elbow in
the face that afternoon,

odds are very high that
you're not gonna wake the guy

who punched you of dangers there.

You're just not gonna do it.

Bad system.

We evolved into higher
hierarchical animals.

We're constantly assessing
and judging each other,

constantly ranging ourselves.

Who's the alpha, who's the dominant,

who's the one who sort of is
the more dominant personality

or dominant talent in the room?

In caveman times it might
have been physical muscle.

In the creative industry
it might be talent.

In the military it might be courage.

There's no standard by
which we judge alphas.

It's relative to the industries we're in.

It's relative to us, as well.

If you've ever met someone

and you were nervous while
you were meeting them,

you're not the alpha.

We've all had the experience
where we're meeting somebody

and we can sense that
they're nervous meeting us.

You're the alpha.

I'll tell you a little
aside that's kind of funny.

You know when women all live together

their menstrual cycles align?

Assuming they're not on the
pill, then it doesn't work.

But if they're not on the pill

then all the menstrual cycles

go together on the same schedule.

It's not arbitrary.

They always align with the
alpha female's schedule.

The reason is

is because when a woman
is in her menstrual cycle

she can't bear children.

So in evolutionary terms

you want the alpha male
and the alpha female

to do it so you can have alpha children,

nice, strong, strapping
kids who are gonna survive,

but if she's off the market
that produces competition.

Mother nature has
created a very clever way

that when she's off the market
everyone's off the market.

(audience laughing)

(chuckling)

Back to the talk.

We're constantly judging

and assessing each other who's alpha.

What we do is when we assess
that someone else is the alpha

we voluntarily take a step back

and allow them to eat first.

Alphas get first choice of
meat and first choice of mate.

Good system.

Good system.

The alpha gets to eat first.

The rest of us may not
get the best cut of meat,

but we will get to eat eventually

and we won't get an elbow in the face.

Good system.

We'll happily alert them to danger later.

Good system.

This is why we're constantly
trying to raise our status

is because there are
benefits to being the alpha.

People will do things for us and step back

and offer us favors.

To this day we're perfectly comfortable

giving special treatment to our alphas.

No one has a problem

that your boss makes more money than you.

You might think he's an ass,

but you don't have a problem
that he makes more money.

Nobody has a problem that
somebody who outranks us at work

has a bigger office than us.

Doesn't offend us.

It is deeply ingrained in us.

We happily step aside and allow our alphas

first choice of meat and
first choice of mate.

It's good to be the king.

There are advantages that
come with being the alpha.

You get special treatment,
you get to eat first.

People show you love and respect.

It boosts the serotonin.

You walk around like this.

It boosts your confidence.

It's awesome.

But it comes at a cost.

You see, the group is not stupid.

We're not giving all of
that stuff away for free.

Leadership, alpha, comes at a cost.

You see, we expect

that when danger threatens
us from the outside

that the person who's actually stronger,

the person who's better fed,

and the person who is actually
teeming with serotonin

and actually has higher
confidence than the rest of us,

we expect them to run towards
the danger to protect us.

This is what it means to be a leader.

The cost of leadership is self interest.

If you're not willing to give
up your perks when it matters

then you probably shouldn't get promoted.

You might be an authority,
but you will not be a leader.

Leadership comes at a cost.

You don't get to do less work
when you get more senior,

you have to do more work.

The more work you have to do

is put yourself at risk
to look after others.

That is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is.

This is why we're so
offended by these banker boys

who pay themselves astronomical salaries.

It has nothing to do with the number.

It has to do with the fact

that they have violated a
deep-seeded social contract.

We know that they made all of that money

and allowed their people to be sacrificed.

In fact, they may have
sacrificed their people

for the money.

If I told you we're
gonna 150 million dollars

to Nelson Mandela, would anyone
have a problem with that?

Nope.

250 millions dollars to Mother Teresa.

Got an issue with it?

Nope.

It's not the number.

It's not the amount of money they make.

It's that we are deeply
and viscerally offended

that we know that we allowed them

to have this alpha position

and they did not fulfill their
responsibility of the alpha.

They're supposed to
sacrifice themselves for us,

never sacrifice us for themselves.

This is why we're angry and
offended and don't trust them.

They fail.

(audience applauding)

Oh, there's more.

(chuckling)

Oxytocin.

This is the best chemical of all.

Oxytocin is the feeling of
love and trust and friendship.

It's all the warm and fuzzies.

It's all the unicorns and rainbows.

It's the reason we like to
spend time with our friends

even if we don't do anything with them.

We just sit and watch TV.

We love their company.

I promise you nearly every single person

sitting in this room today

chose the person they're sitting next to.

You're not sitting next to a stranger.

You're sitting next to
somebody you met, came with,

or kind of know a little bit.

Why?

'Cause it makes you
feel safer, doesn't it?

If you got up and went
and sat next to strangers

it wouldn't feel so good.

That's the feeling of oxytocin.

Oxytocin is that intense feeling of safety

that someone's got your back.

There are multiple ways
you can get oxytocin.

One way to get it is physical contact.

Hugging feels wonderful.

When women give birth to children,

huge surge of oxytocin in their body.

This is what's responsible
for the mother child bond.

It's all that oxytocin in the system.

This is why shaking hands matters.

Imagine you're doing a deal with someone

and you're ready to sign the contract

and you say, "I'm so excited
to do business with you."

And they go, "I don't need to shake.

"Let's sign the contract.

"I'm also excited to
do business with you."

You go, "Great!

"Well, let's shake on it, then."

They go, "No, no, no, no.

"I agree to all the terms.

"Let's get this deal done.

"I can't wait to work with you."

You might get everything
you want in the contract

but business, relationships,
are not rational.

They're about feeling safe,
they're about feeling we belong.

It's human.

One of the ways we wanna know

that that relationship is solidified

is with physical touch.

Their simple refusal to touch you,

to exchange that oxytocin,

means one of two things will happen.

You will either completely
scuttle the deal

or you will go into it nervous.

Human bonds matter.

Another way you can get oxytocin

is through acts of human generosity.

An act of human generosity is defined

as giving of your time and energy

and expecting nothing in return.

Money doesn't work, sorry.

If I told you that this morning
I gave $1,000 to charity,

what would you think of me?

You'd be like (applauding) good for you.

(audience laughing)

What do you want, a medal?

But if I told you that last Saturday

I gave up my day and I
went and painted schools

in the inner city, then
what would you think?

You'd be like, "Nice, cool.

"I should do more."

Right?
(audience laughing)

The value of my labor,
much less than $1,000.

You could have hired many
more people for $1,000

to go paint schools in the inner city.

But you see, as human beings

we put a premium on time

because it is an equal commodity

and it is a non-redeemable commodity.

You spend money, you make money.

You spend time, you'll never get it back.

Some of you are sitting
in this room right now

saying, "I will never get this time back."

(audience laughing)

I got nothin' for ya.

We put a premium

on people who give us
their time and energy.

A leader who says to you, "I'll
pay for something for you,"

is not a leader.

A leader who comes and
sits down next to you

and says, "How can I
help you?" is a leader.

I was talking to some oil executives

and they were trying to convince me

that they really care about how fulfilled

and how happy their employees are at work,

to which I said, "No, you don't."

And they said, "No, we do."

And I said, "No, you don't."

And they said, "Yeah, we do."

You see how this went.

I said, "I bet you hired
some high priced consultancy

"to come and do a web survey

"about whether people
liked their jobs or not."

And they said, "Well, we
didn't hire a consultancy."

I said, "Okay, so it's kinda
like sending your son an email.

"Dear son, your mother and I care

"that you feel like a
valuable part of this family.

"Please tell us candidly
what we can go better

"so that you feel like you belong here

"because we really love you.

"Love, Dad."

Or you go into his
room, you sit on his bed

and you say, "Hey, son,
your mom and I really care

"that you feel like a valuable
member of this family.

"Please tell us candidly
what we can do better

"because we want you
to feel like you belong

"and we really love you."

Same words, same intention, same desire.

The difference is one,
you gave time and energy,

and the other one you didn't.

This is the problem with email.

It's too easy.

It's too easy.

There's no time and energy expended.

It's too easy.

You don't feel anything.

If I come to your house for dinner

and you make me a lovely dinner,

the next day I send you a
very nice thank you email,

what a wonderful host you are,

or three days later you receive
a handwritten note from me

with the exact same words that
were written in the email,

which one makes you feel better?

Handwritten note.

The sentiment was the same,
the words were the same.

The difference is one
took a little more time

and a little more energy.

Leaders are the ones
who give us their time

and give us their energy,

not the ones who give us their money.

It doesn't count.

It doesn't work.

It just biologically doesn't work.

This is how you get oxytocin,

doing nice things for people

that require that you
sacrifice a little bit of time,

a little bit of energy.

Something you will never get back.

If you expect something in return

then you weren't really
giving in the first place.

You take someone out for dinner

because you want them to hire you,

you're not really taking
them out for dinner.

You want something in return.

It's just a protracted transaction.

It's not relationship building.

It's nonsense.

I was walking down the
streets of New York,

true story, and the guy in front of me,

his backpack opened and a bunch of paper

spilled out on the street.

Didn't think much of it.

I bent down, gathered the papers up,

handed them back to him,

and pointed out that his band had opened.

I did a small act of
generosity for somebody,

I got a small burst of
oxytocin, I felt good.

Also the person on the receiving end

of the act of generosity feels good.

They get a shot of oxytocin.

He felt good.

He says thanks.

I get to the end of the block

and I'm standing waiting
to cross the street

and a guy who also happens to be standing

waiting to cross the street
turns around, true story,

turns around and says to me,
"I saw what you did back there.

"That was really cool."

(audience laughing)

As it turns out witnessing
acts of human generosity

release oxytocin.

Remember our bodies are trying
to get us to repeat behaviors

that are in our best interest

and it's making us feel good

when we see or do acts of human generosity

so that we will do them.

In fact, the more oxytocin
you have in your body,

the more generous you actually become.

The more you do, the more you want to do.

It gets better than that.

Lots of oxytocin in your
body inhibits addiction.

It makes it very difficult
to get addicted to something

when you have lots of
oxytocin in your body.

It actually inhibits addiction.

It boosts your immune system.

It makes you healthier.

That's why happy people live longer.

It's why couples live longer.

Oxytocin.

It actually is good for us.

It increases our ability
to solve problems.

It increases our creativity.

It's really good for us
and it's not addictive.

It just feels great.

It takes time to build up, though.

I went on a date with
a girl the other day,

it was a first date, we
totally got along great,

we're gonna get married.

(audience laughing)
Why are you laughing?

that's my social life.

(audience laughing)

The reason you laugh is
because you inherently know

that I cannot form a bond
of trust strong enough

to get married in seven days.

You know that.

Why don't you go on a couple more dates?

Inherently you know that.

If I told you that I'd been
dating somebody for seven years

and we're not married
yet, what do you say?

What's wrong?

(audience laughing)

In other words we know
that that bond of trust

takes more than seven days
and less than seven years.

Don't know how long it takes, though.

When you start a new job

and you're really excited to work there

and they're really excited to have you,

don't quite feel like you belong

and you don't quite feel like
you're trusted yet, right?

Even though you were really excited.

It takes time and you have to
do little acts of generosity

and make little sacrifices,
do little things for people.

Not big risks, small risks.

It's like dating.

You don't start by buying them a diamond.

You start by taking them for lunch,

buying them a drink, little bits.

Then they take you out or
you take them out again,

you do something a little bigger,

then you do that and a movie,

then they come over, and
then you buy them flowers,

and then you say, "I love you."

And one day you wake up in the morning,

it's like you pressed this belief button.

You're just, "I'm in love.

"I don't know when it happened."

It just clicks and you
feel like you belong.

Same thing at work.

Same thing at work.

It just clicks (fingers snapping)

and you feel like you belong

'cause you got enough oxytocin
built up in your system.

We don't allow this to happen.

We're too busy sending emails.

We're too busy sending emails.

The next time you wanna
tell somebody something,

email is fantastic for the
exchange of information, right?

It's fantastic.

Here's the report you wanted,

the meeting's at four o'clock.

Fantastic.

What did you think of my idea?

Do not reply on an email.

That's an emotional question.

Email is a rational tool.

You get up from your desk,
you walk the 30 feet,

and you say, "Wanted to
tell you what I thought

"of your idea."

And I promise you,

not only will that information
be better received,

but you will start to create relationships

because oxytocin starts to get released.

If you can't get up and walk 30 feet,

pick up the telephone.

I've done it.

It's an amazing thing.

You pick up the phone, you go, "Hey."

They're like, "Hey, what's the matter?"

You're like, "No, I'm just
replying to your email.

(audience laughing)

"Wanted to tell you what I thought."

"What?"

People who tell me, "But
I need a paper trail."

Have the conversation, hang up and say,

"Just to confirm what we talked about."

Boom, there's your paper trail.

The reason we get so many emails

is because we reply to them all

and 12 emails are sent

and then somebody misunderstands something

and somebody gets angry

and then you have to pick up
the phone and do it anyway.

Do it at the beginning.

Quicker, easier, better.

Biology.

Give your time and give your energy.

This is why leadership is really difficult

because you can't give it to everyone

because you don't have
enough to give to everyone.

You just can't.

You have to make sure
that you can trust others

to trust others to trust
others to trust others.

This is what happens in
the circle of belonging,

in the circle of safety.

This is what effective bureaucracy is.

Which is as the CEO, as the
leader, or whatever your job is,

you have one responsibility
and one responsibility only

which is to make sure the people you know

that you have physical contact with,

you know their names, are
confident and feel looked after

and encourage them to do the same

for the ones who work beneath them

who work beneath them
who work beneath them.

When this group of
people really feels safe,

then they will invite in the
customer to also feel safe.

They will talk to these
people as if they are human.

I actually flew on an airline recently

and I was appalled at how I was treated.

It was disgusting.

It was like cattle.

I said something.

I said, "Why do you treat
people like cattle?"

And she literally said
to me, "I'm sorry, sir,

I have to do it or I'll lose my job."

What did she tell me?

My organization that I work for

doesn't make me feel safe.

I don't feel like I belong,

so I'm gonna treat you like
dirt to protect myself.

As opposed to somebody who feels safe

that says, "Sir, I will
do everything in my power

"to make sure that you feel happy and good

"because I'm not worried."

That's called a highly
effective organization.

There's one more chemical
I haven't told you about.

The big c.

Cortisol.

Cortisol is the feeling of stress

and the feeling of anxiety.

We share these chemicals
with all the social mammals.

When you see a herd of gazelle,

you've all seen the documentary

on Discovery or whatever, right?

And see a herd of gazelle grazing.

And one of them thinks they
hear a rustle in the grass

and they go (gasping)

(audience laughing)
Up head, right?

That's what cortisol does.

Cortisol is designed to keep us alive.

It is the first stage or fight or flight.

It makes us paranoid,

it makes all of our senses hyper
attuned to look for danger.

It injects glucose into our muscles

to make us stiff and ready to go

in case we need to fight or flight.

It increases our heart rate like crazy.

And it makes us start looking.

It makes us paranoid to find the danger.

The cool thing about cortisol

when you work in a social environment

is if other people sense
that you're nervous,

they get nervous.

All the other gazelle go (gasping)

They didn't hear anything.

They just saw Steve over
there get really freaked out.

(audience laughing)

And so they got all freaked out.

Now they all start looking for the danger.

Good system.

One of them who didn't even hear

the initial rustle in the
grass sees the lion, runs,

they all run, they all live another day.

Good system.

So that when we go to
work and somebody says,

"I think there's gonna be layoffs."

All of us are like, "What do you mean?

"Wait.

There's gonna be?"

We're all paranoid now.

"I shouldn't have talked
talked in that meeting.

Ugh!"

We start to get crazy,
we start to get paranoid.

Our hearts start to race.

It's what cortisol does,
it's trying to keep us alive.

You wake up in the middle of the night,

you hear a bump in the
middle of the night.

(gasping)

What's the first thing you do?

You wake the person next to you!

(audience laughing)

And then what do they do?

They go (gasping)

If there's nothing there
you go and trust your eyes,

you go looking for it,
we're visual animals.

If there's nothing there you go like this,

(exhaling)

the cortisol leaves our body and we relax

and our heartbeat goes back down.

Cortisol, to get all of that extra energy,

to make us paranoid, to
make us self-interested,

it needs to shut down
non-essential systems

'cause it has to get it
from somewhere, right?

So it shuts off things like growth.

You don't need your fingernails
to grow at that moment.

Shuts it off.

The other thing it shuts
off is our immune system.

Don't need it in that moment.

The problem is you're not
supposed to have cortisol

in your system all the time.

You're supposed to have
it in and then gone.

When we go to work in a place

that doesn't make us feel like we belong,

that doesn't make us feel
safe when we're at work,

guess what?

We got little bits of
cortisol dripping in our body.

Drip, drip, drip, drip.

Makes us paranoid.

Drip.

I know my boss hates me.

I know he hates me.

He hates all my ideas, I know it.

Drip, drip.

It makes us self-interested.

One of the things cortisol does

it inhibits the release of oxytocin.

Biologically if you work in
a high stress environment

where you don't feel safe,

you are biologically less
empathetic and less generous.

We don't care about each other

because we're too busy
trying to protect ourselves.

Drip, drip, drip.

Our immune systems are now compromised.

Drip, drip, drip.

We live in a country

with some of the best medical
education in the world,

some of the best medical
systems in the world,

some of the best doctors in the world,

some of the best hospitals in the world,

some of the best medicines in the world.

Please explain to me why
diabetes is on the rise,

heart disease is on the rise,

some cancers are on the rise.

It ain't partially hydrogenated oils.

Our jobs are killing us

and the people who are
responsible are the leaders.

We also know that parents
who come home stressed out,

their kids learn that
this is what work is,

that work is something

that makes you short-tempered and unhappy.

So they expect it as they grow older.

Worse, we know that parents
who come home upset and angry,

it has such a negative
impact on their children

that there's some studies

that show that they might
actually become bullies

because of their unhappy parents

who hate their jobs and have
excessive amounts of stress.

Our companies are literally killing us.

So what are you gonna do about it?

What are you gonna do about it?

Leadership is not a rank.

Leadership is not a position.

Leadership is a decision.

Leadership is a choice.

It has nothing to do with your
position in the organization.

If you decide to look after
the person to the left of you

and look after the person
to the right of you,

you have become a leader.

You've seen the movie 300, right?

The Spartans.

The greatest fighting force of all time.

You wanna know one the things
that made the Spartans great?

It wasn't their muscles,
wasn't their spears.

It was their shields.

They stood shield to shield
and the phalanx was strong

because those shields were big.

They were told when they
were young children,

"You either bring your shield home

"or you come home on your shield."

The punishment for losing your shield

was tremendous in battle.

Because if you lost your shield

that means you cannot protect
the person to the left of you

and the person to the right of you

and you have destroyed the phalanx.

It's the shield that
matters, not the spear.

Not the spear.

It's your willingness
to sacrifice yourself,

not your life, maybe your
credit, maybe your little time,

maybe a little energy, maybe
getting up from your desk

and talking to somebody for 30 minutes

instead of sending a three minute email.

It's your willingness to
sacrifice for someone,

to hold that shield up
so that they feel safe

that makes you a leader.

You wanna know how you
beat a dopamine addiction,

if you're worried that you're
addicted to performance

and all this dopamine things?

Alcoholics Anonymous has been
highly effective for decades,

80 something years.

We all know the first
step of the 12 steps.

We joke about it, right?

Admit you have a problem.

Do you know the 12th step?

Don't say it, it's
supposed to be anonymous.

(audience laughing)

I'll tell you what the 12th step is.

Alcoholics Anonymous knows
that if you master all 11 steps

but not the 12th, you will drink again.

If you master the 12th step
you will beat the disease.

What's the 12th step?

The 12th step is the commitment
to help another alcoholic.

Service, service to another.

Oxytocin wins.

Serotonin wins.

The more we look after each other,

the safer we feel, the more
we feel like we belong,

and the more we will work together

to confront the dangers outside.

Do this for others and others
will become Johnny Bravo.

Thanks very much.

(audience applauding)

(bright music)