It’s reigning men: gender roles and how they hurt you | Lilia Fromm | TEDxLincoln

A thoughtful, humorous commentary, Lilia Fromm’s talk It’s Reigning Men will make you rethink how traditional concepts of gender impose stereotypical ideas of masculinity and femininity on men just as much as women.

Lilia Fromm is a student at Lincoln High School, Lincoln, NE. In 2014, she gave a speech on geographic confidence at TEDxYouth@Lincoln, and she has had a successful freshman year on Lincoln High’s speech team.

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

My uncle Eddy is unlike
anyone else I've ever met.

He grew up in Oregon,
and resembles a lumberjack;

tall, muscular, bearded
and wears flannel.

But, it's always been his personal style
that I've really envied,

large rings, earrings
and fabulous necklaces.

He often does my makeup, drag queen style
with glittery false eyelashes,

brings me sparkly jewelry

and dresses me up
in feather boas and bedazzled finery.

We spend hours together perfecting
Ester Williams synchronized swing moves

and Judy Garland song and dance routines.

As a little girl, I thought my uncle Eddy
was the perfect manliest of men.

I didn't understand

why Eddy would enthusiastically engage
in these activities with me,

while my three older brothers
were less than willing participants.

(Laughter)

I now understand that my brothers felt
they couldn't stray outside

the expected norms of masculinity,

while Eddy had already crossed
all these boundaries.

Now, I'm a pretty typical
15-year-old girl,

I like fashion, I spend
too much time on my phone,

and I have seen
every episode of gossip girl.

But I'm also loud, assertive, bossy.
I like math and I am a terrible cook.

Like everyone else, I possess
both masculine and feminine qualities.

We can accept a woman
with masculine traits,

although the same cannot be said
for men and femininity.

Masculinity is consistently defined

by separation and oppositeness
from femininity.

And in this way, masculinity
and femininity define each other,

no matter their individual expectations.

In 1991, psychologist Monica Biernat

found that children do not initially see
masculinity and femininity as opposites,

although as they got older, their views
became increasingly contradictory.

The idea that men and women
act as opposites,

and their respective traits,
is completely learned.

We've internalized these traits
with a concrete male/female association,

although the traits and qualities
belonging to a woman,

could just as easily exist
within any man, like my uncle Eddy.

When one of my brothers was a toddler,
he had a favorite Power Ranger,

the pink Power Ranger.

He was obsessed, and would
dress only in this outfit.

He didn't think the pink Power Ranger
was feminine, he just liked the color.

Today he shudders with embarrassment
whenever we bring up his close association

to something so feminine.

These identities are conscious,
chosen behaviors

to act within our socials norms
and boundaries.

Masculinity and femininity are formed
by social cultural expectations,

not biological differences.

We've explored femininity,
and we can accept

a wide variety of personalities
outside the norm, as feminine.

We wear pants, play sports, vote,
and can have the same jobs as men,

and we're still feminine.

This acceptance and fluidity
is not the same for men and masculinity,

and men are still widely expected to live
within their impossible stereotype.

Our ideals of masculinity
allow men to maintain

a socially dominant position over women
and other gender identities.

This social dominance of masculinity
is known as hegemonic masculinity.

Hegemonic masculinity
draws on male privilege

creating an idea of superiority
and enforcing a dominance

over other's perceived weaknesses.

This idea for superiority
sometimes leads to violence,

such as rape and misogyny,

as a man overcompensating
for his masculinity

tries to prove that he is not shy,
afraid, or worst of all, feminine.

Heterosexuality is one of the
largest parts of hegemonic masculinity.

So men may use sexuality and homophobia

as a basis of "taking away"
another man's masculinity.

Saying that someone is gay
is no longer used

to question their sexuality,

but rather the term has become synonymous
with dumb, stupid, or simply unmasculine.

Hegemonic masculinity causes
many problems throughout our society,

although the most powerful influence
it has, is that it limits our potential.

The idea that there is
only one type of masculinity

boxes men into this expectation,
and keeps women out.

We allow and even enforce a duality
or double standard.

Male leaders are strong,
powerful and decisive,

yet a woman in the same exact position
is considered a bitch.

We slut-shame girls
while admiring a man who is a player.

Hegemonic masculinity creates the idea
that men are superior,

causing self-esteem problems among women.

Phrases like, "Don't be such a girl",

are used to describe actions
performed poorly,

saying that everything girls do
is inherently bad because of their gender.

Whenever gender is an issue,
I am not at my best.

I wonder if many of us feel this way?

How many of us in our modern societies
still struggle with their own greatness,

because we second-guess
our ability to be equal?

I play the string bass,

so usually I'm the only girl
in a group of all boy basses.

Last year, in the Lincoln Youth Symphony,

we had a playing test
which determined our seating,

and when the results were released,
I was first chair.

I should have been happy, ecstatic,
and so proud of my achievement,

yet I only felt panic.

I got into my mom's car after rehearsal
and immediately started sobbing.

I was certain and terrified
that the other all male bassists

would be angry at me
for being first chair.

I thought that I shouldn't be
better than them

and continued to downplay
my own abilities.

At the time, I couldn't articulate
why I felt this way,

although I've since realized
that it's because hegemonic masculinity

and its inherent social dominance
had been so ingrained in me

that I felt it was not my place
as a girl to demonstrate superior talent.

I wasn't considered any less feminine
by my new seating,

although I was still limited
in my identity

and what I thought that meant.

We are not gender conforming robots,

we are complex human beings
with countless traits

that should not be confined by a gender.

Even subconsciously we are worried
about being judged

or ridiculed for doing something
outside the expected norm.

Kind of like a teenage girl giving
a TEDx talk on hegemonic masculinity.

(Laughter)

By breaking down
the stereotype of masculinity,

we can increase
the acceptability of femininity.

These identities differ by culture,
region, religion, and personal belief.

So there are unlimited forms
of masculinity and femininity,

and we can be open
to accepting them all as a spectrum,

instead of two strict ideals.

I see my uncle Eddy as the perfect man,

and I now admire his ability
to transcend stereotypes boundaries.

I was born inside the boundaries,

and I'm still trying to figure out
who I want to be in this world.

I'm a girl, I wear dresses;

yet, obviously I have
masculine traits too.

None of us can live
on one side or the other.

My identity is not decided
by my etiquette,

being assertive,
or my hatred of high heels.

So I challenge you not to limit yourself
to being a pink or blue Power Ranger.

The spectrum of possibilities is endless.

(Applause)