Ronny Chieng Stand-Up

Ronny Chieng makes his Tonight Show debut with jokes about Asian people objectively mediating racial tensions and helping the government function better.

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Ronny Chieng Stand-Up
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Great to be here.

Love being here.

Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.

Love being here.

We need more Asian people
in this country.

It's not enough.

Right now we're like 5.6%
of the population.
Get that number right up.

We need more Asian people
in this country.

I'll tell you why.

Because we are the only
objective referees...

[ Laughter ]

...in your ongoing race war

between white and black people.

Because you don't care about us
and we don't care
about any of you.

[ Laughter ]
No, no.
So you can trust us.

We tell you things.
There's no agenda.
There's no reason to lie
because we don't care.

Like, lately there's been
a lot of skirmishes

between white
and black people.

White people calling the police
on black people

for very innocuous activities,
like barbecuing in the park

or entering your own homes,
right?

Next time you feel aggrieved,
don't call the police.

Call the Asians.

We will come in and arbitrate
any situation for you

impartially and without bias
because we don't care.

Like if you called us into
Starbucks that day,
we'd be like,

"Yo, these two black guys are
sitting down drinking coffee.

Why don't you drink your latte
and shut the hell up..."
[ Laughter and applause ]

...because we don't care.

[ Applause ]

Yeah.

Because our skin is not
in the game.

Literally.

NFL, NBA, our skin is
in none of those games.

[ Laughter ]

So we don't give a damn
who is kneeling at what.

Okay?

I don't care about your fantasy
football draft analysis.

We just want things to work.

Asian people just want
things to work.

We're not distracted by the
spectacle of show business.

We just want things to work.

So we give it to you straight.

You can trust us
to tell the truth.

Ugly truth,
but truth nonetheless.

Alright?
Like, yo, white people.

Yo.

"Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks.

[ Laughter ]

It's an undanceable song.

Kindly stop chanting it
at parties.

If you must,
keep it to your shower, okay?
No hatred.
There's no hatred here.

It's just information.

I'm not saying this
to make you feel bad.
I'm just letting you know.

This is the situation.

Okay, we give it both ways.
We give it both ways.

Okay? Yo, black people,

yo, a little noisy
in the movie theater.

Okay? Again, no hatred.
There's no hatred here.

It's just solutions.

That's all we offer
both your people.

Solutions.
Nothing more, nothing less.

We need an Asian president, man.

That's what we need.
Yeah.
Man or woman.
Man or woman.

Get that Asian President
in the White House.
We will fix this place
in a week.

[ Laughter ]

I promise you.

Give us a solid eight days,

you will see results
because we don't care.

We just want things to work.
Imagine, all the Asian people
in government

just going down the list
of broken things in America.

Fixing it one by one
with no agenda.

Just pure logic.

Just going down the list.

Yeah, that's fine.
That's fine.
That works.
That's okay.

That's kind of okay.

That's broken, that's broken.
EPA is broken.

Medicare is broken.

Do your job!

Just slapping people
in the face.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.
Government shutdown?

Yo, there's no
government shutdown

with Asian people in charge.

We don't shut down for anything.
We don't shut down
for Christmas.

[ Loud cheers and applause ]

Yeah.
Do you understand?

We work through public holidays.

Any city in America when it's
3:00 a.m. and you're hungry,

where do you go?

You go to Chinatown.
That's where you go.

That's right.

'Cause things are delicious,
affordable and open.

We don't shut down for anything.

Thanksgiving means
nothing to me.

Do you understand
how meaningless

the concept of Thanksgiving
is to me?

Screw turkey.
It's dry.

I'd rather fix healthcare
than eat turkey. How about that?

Is that someone you want
in charge?

Please, vote for the Asians
when you get a chance.

Think how inspirational
that would be

if we have the first
Asian president.
What an inspirational message
that would send

to Asian children
everywhere in America.

If we have the first Asian
President, you could finally go

up to Asian children anywhere
in America and you can say,

"Hey, listen, buddy,

you don't have to be
just a neurosurgeon."

[ Laughter ]

Thank you!

♪♪

-Ronny Chieng!

See him on tour soon in Austin,
San Francisco, and Australia.