1
00:00:00,170 --> 00:00:01,611
Great to be here.

2
00:00:01,611 --> 00:00:02,752
Love being here.

3
00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:04,831
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.

4
00:00:04,831 --> 00:00:06,439
Love being here.

5
00:00:06,439 --> 00:00:09,108
We need more Asian people
in this country.

6
00:00:09,108 --> 00:00:11,197
It's not enough.

7
00:00:11,197 --> 00:00:15,561
Right now we're like 5.6%
of the population.
Get that number right up.

8
00:00:15,561 --> 00:00:18,284
We need more Asian people
in this country.

9
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:19,685
I'll tell you why.

10
00:00:19,685 --> 00:00:23,223
Because we are the only
objective referees...

11
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,992
[ Laughter ]

12
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:29,695
...in your ongoing race war

13
00:00:29,695 --> 00:00:32,731
between white and black people.

14
00:00:32,731 --> 00:00:36,415
Because you don't care about us
and we don't care
about any of you.

15
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:38,971
[ Laughter ]
No, no.
So you can trust us.

16
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,977
We tell you things.
There's no agenda.
There's no reason to lie
because we don't care.

17
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:50,216
Like, lately there's been
a lot of skirmishes

18
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,951
between white
and black people.

19
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:54,554
White people calling the police
on black people

20
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,823
for very innocuous activities,
like barbecuing in the park

21
00:00:57,823 --> 00:00:59,925
or entering your own homes,
right?

22
00:00:59,925 --> 00:01:02,629
Next time you feel aggrieved,
don't call the police.

23
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:05,063
Call the Asians.

24
00:01:05,063 --> 00:01:08,701
We will come in and arbitrate
any situation for you

25
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:14,039
impartially and without bias
because we don't care.

26
00:01:14,039 --> 00:01:15,942
Like if you called us into
Starbucks that day,
we'd be like,

27
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,879
"Yo, these two black guys are
sitting down drinking coffee.

28
00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:21,814
Why don't you drink your latte
and shut the hell up..."
[ Laughter and applause ]

29
00:01:24,149 --> 00:01:25,518
...because we don't care.

30
00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:28,087
[ Applause ]

31
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:30,423
Yeah.

32
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,892
Because our skin is not
in the game.

33
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,593
Literally.

34
00:01:34,593 --> 00:01:37,163
NFL, NBA, our skin is
in none of those games.

35
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,464
[ Laughter ]

36
00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:41,234
So we don't give a damn
who is kneeling at what.

37
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:42,601
Okay?

38
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:45,839
I don't care about your fantasy
football draft analysis.

39
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,740
We just want things to work.

40
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:50,443
Asian people just want
things to work.

41
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:54,280
We're not distracted by the
spectacle of show business.

42
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,514
We just want things to work.

43
00:01:55,514 --> 00:01:56,815
So we give it to you straight.

44
00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:59,351
You can trust us
to tell the truth.

45
00:01:59,351 --> 00:02:02,922
Ugly truth,
but truth nonetheless.

46
00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:05,224
Alright?
Like, yo, white people.

47
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:06,926
Yo.

48
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:09,262
"Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks.

49
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,863
[ Laughter ]

50
00:02:10,863 --> 00:02:13,533
It's an undanceable song.

51
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,836
Kindly stop chanting it
at parties.

52
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:19,505
If you must,
keep it to your shower, okay?
No hatred.
There's no hatred here.

53
00:02:21,473 --> 00:02:24,310
It's just information.

54
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,545
I'm not saying this
to make you feel bad.
I'm just letting you know.

55
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,115
This is the situation.

56
00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:31,751
Okay, we give it both ways.
We give it both ways.

57
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,185
Okay? Yo, black people,

58
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:35,254
yo, a little noisy
in the movie theater.

59
00:02:35,254 --> 00:02:38,758
Okay? Again, no hatred.
There's no hatred here.

60
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:41,794
It's just solutions.

61
00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:43,429
That's all we offer
both your people.

62
00:02:43,429 --> 00:02:46,733
Solutions.
Nothing more, nothing less.

63
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:49,235
We need an Asian president, man.

64
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:51,570
That's what we need.
Yeah.
Man or woman.
Man or woman.

65
00:02:54,573 --> 00:02:56,676
Get that Asian President
in the White House.
We will fix this place
in a week.

66
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,879
[ Laughter ]

67
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:00,914
I promise you.

68
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,615
Give us a solid eight days,

69
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:05,585
you will see results
because we don't care.

70
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,653
We just want things to work.
Imagine, all the Asian people
in government

71
00:03:09,922 --> 00:03:12,625
just going down the list
of broken things in America.

72
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,028
Fixing it one by one
with no agenda.

73
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,428
Just pure logic.

74
00:03:16,428 --> 00:03:18,430
Just going down the list.

75
00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:20,265
Yeah, that's fine.
That's fine.
That works.
That's okay.

76
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,035
That's kind of okay.

77
00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:25,137
That's broken, that's broken.
EPA is broken.

78
00:03:25,137 --> 00:03:26,406
Medicare is broken.

79
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:27,440
Do your job!

80
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,009
Just slapping people
in the face.

81
00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,111
[ Laughter ]

82
00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:33,679
Yeah.
Government shutdown?

83
00:03:33,679 --> 00:03:35,581
Yo, there's no
government shutdown

84
00:03:35,581 --> 00:03:37,050
with Asian people in charge.

85
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,153
We don't shut down for anything.
We don't shut down
for Christmas.

86
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,258
[ Loud cheers and applause ]

87
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,527
Yeah.
Do you understand?

88
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,899
We work through public holidays.

89
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,601
Any city in America when it's
3:00 a.m. and you're hungry,

90
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:56,769
where do you go?

91
00:03:56,769 --> 00:03:58,404
You go to Chinatown.
That's where you go.

92
00:03:58,404 --> 00:03:59,672
That's right.

93
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:01,975
'Cause things are delicious,
affordable and open.

94
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,477
We don't shut down for anything.

95
00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:08,847
Thanksgiving means
nothing to me.

96
00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:11,317
Do you understand
how meaningless

97
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:13,553
the concept of Thanksgiving
is to me?

98
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:16,555
Screw turkey.
It's dry.

99
00:04:16,555 --> 00:04:18,991
I'd rather fix healthcare
than eat turkey. How about that?

100
00:04:18,991 --> 00:04:20,526
Is that someone you want
in charge?

101
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:24,630
Please, vote for the Asians
when you get a chance.

102
00:04:24,630 --> 00:04:28,634
Think how inspirational
that would be

103
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:30,436
if we have the first
Asian president.
What an inspirational message
that would send

104
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:34,841
to Asian children
everywhere in America.

105
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,510
If we have the first Asian
President, you could finally go

106
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:40,479
up to Asian children anywhere
in America and you can say,

107
00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:43,049
"Hey, listen, buddy,

108
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:48,354
you don't have to be
just a neurosurgeon."

109
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:51,824
[ Laughter ]

110
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:53,993
Thank you!

111
00:04:53,993 --> 00:05:02,401
♪♪

112
00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:04,170
-Ronny Chieng!

113
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:10,209
See him on tour soon in Austin,
San Francisco, and Australia.