0:00:00.170,0:00:01.611
Great to be here.

0:00:01.611,0:00:02.752
Love being here.

0:00:02.752,0:00:04.831
Thanks, everybody.[br]Thank you.

0:00:04.831,0:00:06.439
Love being here.

0:00:06.439,0:00:09.108
We need more Asian people[br]in this country.

0:00:09.108,0:00:11.197
It's not enough.

0:00:11.197,0:00:15.561
Right now we're like 5.6%[br]of the population.[br]Get that number right up.

0:00:15.561,0:00:18.284
We need more Asian people[br]in this country.

0:00:18.284,0:00:19.685
I'll tell you why.

0:00:19.685,0:00:23.223
Because we are the only[br]objective referees...

0:00:23.223,0:00:25.992
[ Laughter ]

0:00:25.992,0:00:29.695
...in your ongoing race war

0:00:29.695,0:00:32.731
between white and black people.

0:00:32.731,0:00:36.415
Because you don't care about us[br]and we don't care[br]about any of you.

0:00:36.569,0:00:38.971
[ Laughter ][br]No, no.[br]So you can trust us.

0:00:41.240,0:00:43.977
We tell you things.[br]There's no agenda.[br]There's no reason to lie[br]because we don't care.

0:00:48.281,0:00:50.216
Like, lately there's been[br]a lot of skirmishes

0:00:50.216,0:00:51.951
between white[br]and black people.

0:00:51.951,0:00:54.554
White people calling the police[br]on black people

0:00:54.554,0:00:57.823
for very innocuous activities,[br]like barbecuing in the park

0:00:57.823,0:00:59.925
or entering your own homes,[br]right?

0:00:59.925,0:01:02.629
Next time you feel aggrieved,[br]don't call the police.

0:01:02.629,0:01:05.063
Call the Asians.

0:01:05.063,0:01:08.701
We will come in and arbitrate[br]any situation for you

0:01:08.701,0:01:14.039
impartially and without bias[br]because we don't care.

0:01:14.039,0:01:15.942
Like if you called us into[br]Starbucks that day,[br]we'd be like,

0:01:17.410,0:01:19.879
"Yo, these two black guys are[br]sitting down drinking coffee.

0:01:19.879,0:01:21.814
Why don't you drink your latte[br]and shut the hell up..."[br][ Laughter and applause ]

0:01:24.149,0:01:25.518
...because we don't care.

0:01:25.518,0:01:28.087
[ Applause ]

0:01:28.087,0:01:30.423
Yeah.

0:01:30.423,0:01:32.892
Because our skin is not[br]in the game.

0:01:32.892,0:01:34.593
Literally.

0:01:34.593,0:01:37.163
NFL, NBA, our skin is[br]in none of those games.

0:01:37.163,0:01:38.464
[ Laughter ]

0:01:38.464,0:01:41.234
So we don't give a damn[br]who is kneeling at what.

0:01:41.234,0:01:42.601
Okay?

0:01:42.601,0:01:45.839
I don't care about your fantasy[br]football draft analysis.

0:01:45.839,0:01:47.740
We just want things to work.

0:01:47.740,0:01:50.443
Asian people just want[br]things to work.

0:01:50.443,0:01:54.280
We're not distracted by the[br]spectacle of show business.

0:01:54.280,0:01:55.514
We just want things to work.

0:01:55.514,0:01:56.815
So we give it to you straight.

0:01:56.815,0:01:59.351
You can trust us[br]to tell the truth.

0:01:59.351,0:02:02.922
Ugly truth,[br]but truth nonetheless.

0:02:02.922,0:02:05.224
Alright?[br]Like, yo, white people.

0:02:05.224,0:02:06.926
Yo.

0:02:06.926,0:02:09.262
"Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks.

0:02:09.262,0:02:10.863
[ Laughter ]

0:02:10.863,0:02:13.533
It's an undanceable song.

0:02:13.533,0:02:16.836
Kindly stop chanting it[br]at parties.

0:02:16.836,0:02:19.505
If you must,[br]keep it to your shower, okay?[br]No hatred.[br]There's no hatred here.

0:02:21.473,0:02:24.310
It's just information.

0:02:24.310,0:02:26.545
I'm not saying this[br]to make you feel bad.[br]I'm just letting you know.

0:02:27.780,0:02:29.115
This is the situation.

0:02:29.115,0:02:31.751
Okay, we give it both ways.[br]We give it both ways.

0:02:31.751,0:02:33.185
Okay? Yo, black people,

0:02:33.185,0:02:35.254
yo, a little noisy[br]in the movie theater.

0:02:35.254,0:02:38.758
Okay? Again, no hatred.[br]There's no hatred here.

0:02:38.758,0:02:41.794
It's just solutions.

0:02:41.794,0:02:43.429
That's all we offer[br]both your people.

0:02:43.429,0:02:46.733
Solutions.[br]Nothing more, nothing less.

0:02:46.733,0:02:49.235
We need an Asian president, man.

0:02:49.235,0:02:51.570
That's what we need.[br]Yeah.[br]Man or woman.[br]Man or woman.

0:02:54.573,0:02:56.676
Get that Asian President[br]in the White House.[br]We will fix this place[br]in a week.

0:02:58.344,0:02:59.879
[ Laughter ]

0:02:59.879,0:03:00.914
I promise you.

0:03:00.914,0:03:02.615
Give us a solid eight days,

0:03:02.615,0:03:05.585
you will see results[br]because we don't care.

0:03:05.585,0:03:07.653
We just want things to work.[br]Imagine, all the Asian people[br]in government

0:03:09.922,0:03:12.625
just going down the list[br]of broken things in America.

0:03:12.625,0:03:15.028
Fixing it one by one[br]with no agenda.

0:03:15.028,0:03:16.428
Just pure logic.

0:03:16.428,0:03:18.430
Just going down the list.

0:03:18.430,0:03:20.265
Yeah, that's fine.[br]That's fine.[br]That works.[br]That's okay.

0:03:21.801,0:03:23.035
That's kind of okay.

0:03:23.035,0:03:25.137
That's broken, that's broken.[br]EPA is broken.

0:03:25.137,0:03:26.406
Medicare is broken.

0:03:26.406,0:03:27.440
Do your job!

0:03:27.440,0:03:30.009
Just slapping people[br]in the face.

0:03:30.009,0:03:32.111
[ Laughter ]

0:03:32.111,0:03:33.679
Yeah.[br]Government shutdown?

0:03:33.679,0:03:35.581
Yo, there's no[br]government shutdown

0:03:35.581,0:03:37.050
with Asian people in charge.

0:03:37.050,0:03:40.153
We don't shut down for anything.[br]We don't shut down[br]for Christmas.

0:03:42.956,0:03:45.258
[ Loud cheers and applause ]

0:03:45.258,0:03:47.527
Yeah.[br]Do you understand?

0:03:49.295,0:03:52.899
We work through public holidays.

0:03:52.899,0:03:55.601
Any city in America when it's[br]3:00 a.m. and you're hungry,

0:03:55.601,0:03:56.769
where do you go?

0:03:56.769,0:03:58.404
You go to Chinatown.[br]That's where you go.

0:03:58.404,0:03:59.672
That's right.

0:03:59.672,0:04:01.975
'Cause things are delicious,[br]affordable and open.

0:04:01.975,0:04:04.477
We don't shut down for anything.

0:04:04.477,0:04:08.847
Thanksgiving means[br]nothing to me.

0:04:08.847,0:04:11.317
Do you understand[br]how meaningless

0:04:11.317,0:04:13.553
the concept of Thanksgiving[br]is to me?

0:04:13.553,0:04:16.555
Screw turkey.[br]It's dry.

0:04:16.555,0:04:18.991
I'd rather fix healthcare[br]than eat turkey. How about that?

0:04:18.991,0:04:20.526
Is that someone you want[br]in charge?

0:04:20.526,0:04:24.630
Please, vote for the Asians[br]when you get a chance.

0:04:24.630,0:04:28.634
Think how inspirational[br]that would be

0:04:28.634,0:04:30.436
if we have the first[br]Asian president.[br]What an inspirational message[br]that would send

0:04:32.872,0:04:34.841
to Asian children[br]everywhere in America.

0:04:34.841,0:04:37.510
If we have the first Asian[br]President, you could finally go

0:04:37.510,0:04:40.479
up to Asian children anywhere[br]in America and you can say,

0:04:40.479,0:04:43.049
"Hey, listen, buddy,

0:04:43.049,0:04:48.354
you don't have to be[br]just a neurosurgeon."

0:04:48.354,0:04:51.824
[ Laughter ]

0:04:51.824,0:04:53.993
Thank you!

0:04:53.993,0:05:02.401
♪♪

0:05:02.401,0:05:04.170
-Ronny Chieng!

0:05:06.105,0:05:10.209
See him on tour soon in Austin,[br]San Francisco, and Australia.