WEBVTT 00:00:00.170 --> 00:00:01.611 Great to be here. 00:00:01.611 --> 00:00:02.752 Love being here. 00:00:02.752 --> 00:00:04.831 Thanks, everybody. Thank you. 00:00:04.831 --> 00:00:06.439 Love being here. 00:00:06.439 --> 00:00:09.108 We need more Asian people in this country. 00:00:09.108 --> 00:00:11.197 It's not enough. 00:00:11.197 --> 00:00:15.561 Right now we're like 5.6% of the population. Get that number right up. 00:00:15.561 --> 00:00:18.284 We need more Asian people in this country. 00:00:18.284 --> 00:00:19.685 I'll tell you why. 00:00:19.685 --> 00:00:23.223 Because we are the only objective referees... 00:00:23.223 --> 00:00:25.992 [ Laughter ] 00:00:25.992 --> 00:00:29.695 ...in your ongoing race war 00:00:29.695 --> 00:00:32.731 between white and black people. 00:00:32.731 --> 00:00:36.415 Because you don't care about us and we don't care about any of you. 00:00:36.569 --> 00:00:38.971 [ Laughter ] No, no. So you can trust us. 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:43.977 We tell you things. There's no agenda. There's no reason to lie because we don't care. 00:00:48.281 --> 00:00:50.216 Like, lately there's been a lot of skirmishes 00:00:50.216 --> 00:00:51.951 between white and black people. 00:00:51.951 --> 00:00:54.554 White people calling the police on black people 00:00:54.554 --> 00:00:57.823 for very innocuous activities, like barbecuing in the park 00:00:57.823 --> 00:00:59.925 or entering your own homes, right? 00:00:59.925 --> 00:01:02.629 Next time you feel aggrieved, don't call the police. 00:01:02.629 --> 00:01:05.063 Call the Asians. 00:01:05.063 --> 00:01:08.701 We will come in and arbitrate any situation for you 00:01:08.701 --> 00:01:14.039 impartially and without bias because we don't care. 00:01:14.039 --> 00:01:15.942 Like if you called us into Starbucks that day, we'd be like, 00:01:17.410 --> 00:01:19.879 "Yo, these two black guys are sitting down drinking coffee. 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:21.814 Why don't you drink your latte and shut the hell up..." [ Laughter and applause ] 00:01:24.149 --> 00:01:25.518 ...because we don't care. 00:01:25.518 --> 00:01:28.087 [ Applause ] 00:01:28.087 --> 00:01:30.423 Yeah. 00:01:30.423 --> 00:01:32.892 Because our skin is not in the game. 00:01:32.892 --> 00:01:34.593 Literally. 00:01:34.593 --> 00:01:37.163 NFL, NBA, our skin is in none of those games. 00:01:37.163 --> 00:01:38.464 [ Laughter ] 00:01:38.464 --> 00:01:41.234 So we don't give a damn who is kneeling at what. 00:01:41.234 --> 00:01:42.601 Okay? 00:01:42.601 --> 00:01:45.839 I don't care about your fantasy football draft analysis. 00:01:45.839 --> 00:01:47.740 We just want things to work. 00:01:47.740 --> 00:01:50.443 Asian people just want things to work. 00:01:50.443 --> 00:01:54.280 We're not distracted by the spectacle of show business. 00:01:54.280 --> 00:01:55.514 We just want things to work. 00:01:55.514 --> 00:01:56.815 So we give it to you straight. 00:01:56.815 --> 00:01:59.351 You can trust us to tell the truth. 00:01:59.351 --> 00:02:02.922 Ugly truth, but truth nonetheless. 00:02:02.922 --> 00:02:05.224 Alright? Like, yo, white people. 00:02:05.224 --> 00:02:06.926 Yo. 00:02:06.926 --> 00:02:09.262 "Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks. 00:02:09.262 --> 00:02:10.863 [ Laughter ] 00:02:10.863 --> 00:02:13.533 It's an undanceable song. 00:02:13.533 --> 00:02:16.836 Kindly stop chanting it at parties. 00:02:16.836 --> 00:02:19.505 If you must, keep it to your shower, okay? No hatred. There's no hatred here. 00:02:21.473 --> 00:02:24.310 It's just information. 00:02:24.310 --> 00:02:26.545 I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm just letting you know. 00:02:27.780 --> 00:02:29.115 This is the situation. 00:02:29.115 --> 00:02:31.751 Okay, we give it both ways. We give it both ways. 00:02:31.751 --> 00:02:33.185 Okay? Yo, black people, 00:02:33.185 --> 00:02:35.254 yo, a little noisy in the movie theater. 00:02:35.254 --> 00:02:38.758 Okay? Again, no hatred. There's no hatred here. 00:02:38.758 --> 00:02:41.794 It's just solutions. 00:02:41.794 --> 00:02:43.429 That's all we offer both your people. 00:02:43.429 --> 00:02:46.733 Solutions. Nothing more, nothing less. 00:02:46.733 --> 00:02:49.235 We need an Asian president, man. 00:02:49.235 --> 00:02:51.570 That's what we need. Yeah. Man or woman. Man or woman. 00:02:54.573 --> 00:02:56.676 Get that Asian President in the White House. We will fix this place in a week. 00:02:58.344 --> 00:02:59.879 [ Laughter ] 00:02:59.879 --> 00:03:00.914 I promise you. 00:03:00.914 --> 00:03:02.615 Give us a solid eight days, 00:03:02.615 --> 00:03:05.585 you will see results because we don't care. 00:03:05.585 --> 00:03:07.653 We just want things to work. Imagine, all the Asian people in government 00:03:09.922 --> 00:03:12.625 just going down the list of broken things in America. 00:03:12.625 --> 00:03:15.028 Fixing it one by one with no agenda. 00:03:15.028 --> 00:03:16.428 Just pure logic. 00:03:16.428 --> 00:03:18.430 Just going down the list. 00:03:18.430 --> 00:03:20.265 Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That works. That's okay. 00:03:21.801 --> 00:03:23.035 That's kind of okay. 00:03:23.035 --> 00:03:25.137 That's broken, that's broken. EPA is broken. 00:03:25.137 --> 00:03:26.406 Medicare is broken. 00:03:26.406 --> 00:03:27.440 Do your job! 00:03:27.440 --> 00:03:30.009 Just slapping people in the face. 00:03:30.009 --> 00:03:32.111 [ Laughter ] 00:03:32.111 --> 00:03:33.679 Yeah. Government shutdown? 00:03:33.679 --> 00:03:35.581 Yo, there's no government shutdown 00:03:35.581 --> 00:03:37.050 with Asian people in charge. 00:03:37.050 --> 00:03:40.153 We don't shut down for anything. We don't shut down for Christmas. 00:03:42.956 --> 00:03:45.258 [ Loud cheers and applause ] 00:03:45.258 --> 00:03:47.527 Yeah. Do you understand? 00:03:49.295 --> 00:03:52.899 We work through public holidays. 00:03:52.899 --> 00:03:55.601 Any city in America when it's 3:00 a.m. and you're hungry, 00:03:55.601 --> 00:03:56.769 where do you go? 00:03:56.769 --> 00:03:58.404 You go to Chinatown. That's where you go. 00:03:58.404 --> 00:03:59.672 That's right. 00:03:59.672 --> 00:04:01.975 'Cause things are delicious, affordable and open. 00:04:01.975 --> 00:04:04.477 We don't shut down for anything. 00:04:04.477 --> 00:04:08.847 Thanksgiving means nothing to me. 00:04:08.847 --> 00:04:11.317 Do you understand how meaningless 00:04:11.317 --> 00:04:13.553 the concept of Thanksgiving is to me? 00:04:13.553 --> 00:04:16.555 Screw turkey. It's dry. 00:04:16.555 --> 00:04:18.991 I'd rather fix healthcare than eat turkey. How about that? 00:04:18.991 --> 00:04:20.526 Is that someone you want in charge? 00:04:20.526 --> 00:04:24.630 Please, vote for the Asians when you get a chance. 00:04:24.630 --> 00:04:28.634 Think how inspirational that would be 00:04:28.634 --> 00:04:30.436 if we have the first Asian president. What an inspirational message that would send 00:04:32.872 --> 00:04:34.841 to Asian children everywhere in America. 00:04:34.841 --> 00:04:37.510 If we have the first Asian President, you could finally go 00:04:37.510 --> 00:04:40.479 up to Asian children anywhere in America and you can say, 00:04:40.479 --> 00:04:43.049 "Hey, listen, buddy, 00:04:43.049 --> 00:04:48.354 you don't have to be just a neurosurgeon." 00:04:48.354 --> 00:04:51.824 [ Laughter ] 00:04:51.824 --> 00:04:53.993 Thank you! 00:04:53.993 --> 00:05:02.401 ♪♪ 00:05:02.401 --> 00:05:04.170 -Ronny Chieng! 00:05:06.105 --> 00:05:10.209 See him on tour soon in Austin, San Francisco, and Australia.