Great to be here.
Love being here.
Thanks, everybody. Thank you.
Love being here.
We need more Asian people in this country.
It's not enough.
Right now we're like 5.6% of the population. Get that number right up.
We need more Asian people in this country.
I'll tell you why.
Because we are the only objective referees...
[ Laughter ]
...in your ongoing race war
between white and black people.
Because you don't care about us and we don't care about any of you.
[ Laughter ] No, no. So you can trust us.
We tell you things. There's no agenda. There's no reason to lie because we don't care.
Like, lately there's been a lot of skirmishes
between white and black people.
White people calling the police on black people
for very innocuous activities, like barbecuing in the park
or entering your own homes, right?
Next time you feel aggrieved, don't call the police.
Call the Asians.
We will come in and arbitrate any situation for you
impartially and without bias because we don't care.
Like if you called us into Starbucks that day, we'd be like,
"Yo, these two black guys are sitting down drinking coffee.
Why don't you drink your latte and shut the hell up..." [ Laughter and applause ]
...because we don't care.
[ Applause ]
Yeah.
Because our skin is not in the game.
Literally.
NFL, NBA, our skin is in none of those games.
[ Laughter ]
So we don't give a damn who is kneeling at what.
Okay?
I don't care about your fantasy football draft analysis.
We just want things to work.
Asian people just want things to work.
We're not distracted by the spectacle of show business.
We just want things to work.
So we give it to you straight.
You can trust us to tell the truth.
Ugly truth, but truth nonetheless.
Alright? Like, yo, white people.
Yo.
"Bohemian Rhapsody" sucks.
[ Laughter ]
It's an undanceable song.
Kindly stop chanting it at parties.
If you must, keep it to your shower, okay? No hatred. There's no hatred here.
It's just information.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm just letting you know.
This is the situation.
Okay, we give it both ways. We give it both ways.
Okay? Yo, black people,
yo, a little noisy in the movie theater.
Okay? Again, no hatred. There's no hatred here.
It's just solutions.
That's all we offer both your people.
Solutions. Nothing more, nothing less.
We need an Asian president, man.
That's what we need. Yeah. Man or woman. Man or woman.
Get that Asian President in the White House. We will fix this place in a week.
[ Laughter ]
I promise you.
Give us a solid eight days,
you will see results because we don't care.
We just want things to work. Imagine, all the Asian people in government
just going down the list of broken things in America.
Fixing it one by one with no agenda.
Just pure logic.
Just going down the list.
Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That works. That's okay.
That's kind of okay.
That's broken, that's broken. EPA is broken.
Medicare is broken.
Do your job!
Just slapping people in the face.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Government shutdown?
Yo, there's no government shutdown
with Asian people in charge.
We don't shut down for anything. We don't shut down for Christmas.
[ Loud cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Do you understand?
We work through public holidays.
Any city in America when it's 3:00 a.m. and you're hungry,
where do you go?
You go to Chinatown. That's where you go.
That's right.
'Cause things are delicious, affordable and open.
We don't shut down for anything.
Thanksgiving means nothing to me.
Do you understand how meaningless
the concept of Thanksgiving is to me?
Screw turkey. It's dry.
I'd rather fix healthcare than eat turkey. How about that?
Is that someone you want in charge?
Please, vote for the Asians when you get a chance.
Think how inspirational that would be
if we have the first Asian president. What an inspirational message that would send
to Asian children everywhere in America.
If we have the first Asian President, you could finally go
up to Asian children anywhere in America and you can say,
"Hey, listen, buddy,
you don't have to be just a neurosurgeon."
[ Laughter ]
Thank you!
♪♪
-Ronny Chieng!
See him on tour soon in Austin, San Francisco, and Australia.