Mars brain, Venus brain | John Gray | TEDxBend

(Applauses)

So, I asked to turn up the light
so that I can see you as well.

We are talking about
relationships after all.

And the most important thing
in a relationship, man

is to see your wife.

You can see who is married
in a restaurant,

or who is dating.

If a man is dating a woman
he's looking right at her.

He's got one goal.

(Laugher)

And once he's climbed
that mountain you can relax.

You see the married man
looking around.

Quite often somebody else got
his attention.

Haven't seen her before.

It doesn't mean
he doesn't love her

his wife.

It just mean he's never
saw that before.

We all do this as we are going
to vacations

to lovely spots, new places

getting off the plain here in Bend
it was blown away

by the beautifull mountain.

It's exiting.

Because someone new and different

it stimulates our brain chemical
called dopamine.

And dopamine gives us motivation,
it gives us pleasure

it gives us focus.

And it gives us, happiness in a
relationship, passion.

When we fall in love with somebody

is literally like we are high
on drugs.

Maybe you don't remember

if you've been married for
28 years like I have,

but, I remided living
with my youngest daughter

who is in that first
"falling in love stage"

with her "live in".

(Laughter)

They're planning! They're planning!

But she is a modern woman,

she wants to be completely financial
self-sufficient

before she gets married.

As the new woman!

She wants to be sufficient.

Yes! Yes! We all wanna be
self sufficient.

We all wanna be independent,
and then from place of wholeness

come together.

It's a new world.

And I'm gonna talk
about that new world today.

The most important thing
to understand is

this brain chemical thing
dopamine.

'Cause when you haven't met someone,
before you are getting to know them

all the ingredients are there
to stimulate dopamine.

Newness.

And there's no history.

Where are we going with this?

What's gonna happen?

And that stimulates this
brain chemical

and in man, dopamine stimulates
a hormone calls testosterone.

So, men testosterone
levels are searching.

The average man in 50
have half testoterone levels he had

as a young man.

It starts to drop.

Lot of things contribute to that,
but one of the things is: marriage.

(Laughter)

You know, I'm 62 but
I went to the 50's with my friends

and several of my friends got divorce

and the came alive!

I'm not recomending divorce
to come alive.

(Laughter)

But I am recomending learning
new relationships skills

to come alive in
your marriage.

But it's like, when you
were somebody new

just going to somewhere new,
being with somebody new

it stimulates dopamine,

and for men dopamine
stimulates testosterone.

And for men, testosterone
lowers stress.

I don't mean stress in your life,
life is always stressful.

Problems are everywhere.

But how do we react to life
is depending

on our hormone
respondes to life.

And for men, testosterone
is the hormone

that helps men keeps
their stress levels down.

Most people don't know this
but, I learned this...

30 years ago I was reading...

20 years ago, maybe 30
something in there

I was about to see the movie
"The Grumpty Old Man"

and I was also reading
the differences

between young man and old man

was that men testosterone level
go down.

And then, I made the link.

Gumpty Old Man.

Think about men when
they haven't been laid for a while.

They get grumpty.

And we always thought
that testosterone caused

all that irrability.

But actually for men, it's estrogen.

(Laughter)

It's all those grumpty
old man

have super high
estrogen levels

and low testosterone.

Who knew?!

One of the biggest
risk factors for heart disease,

prostate cancer for men
is low testosterone.

All men, with depression
have low testosterone.

And that's why depression
is very different

from man than
from woman.

Depression for a man
is that feeling

"nobody wants me",
"I am not needed anymore",

"basically, I'm out of work",

"nobody there to respond for me"

"nobody there for me to fix,

help, serve, support".

So, been out of work
is the major depression for man

or being in a marriage
where you feel you can't

do anything to make
your partner happy.

I get to see it as a marriage
counselor for over 30 years

people often on their last exit.

'Cause I am famous people say:

"Oh, you gotta see him"

so I get the tough cases.

(Laughter)

But it's a challenge.

And what I hear again and again
for man.

I take the man outside,

"What is the problem here?,
what's going on here?,

If we can fix one problem,
what would that be?"

"John, the only problem here is
my wife is not happy".

That's it.

Now, I do these seminars, workshops
for like 4 days

and we started out
men in one room, women in the other.

Without my influence, the men
write down complaints about

their wifes, relationships, women
in one room.

Women do it in another room.

And then we spend the whole 4 days
working on that.

And men have one sheet,
and women have 5.

(Laughter)

And men's list is one or two words.

"Critical, complaints, nags, punishes,
not interested in sex"

that's the longest one they
come out with.

(Laughter)

There's a list over there.

And women got all this lists,
get a big long list

everything is a long sentences,
and if this thing and all that stuff.

(Laughter)

And men go
"See?"

(Laughter)

I got a few claps which
I'm not asking for

but that's what excites man.

I made a difference.

So men love their dogs so much.

(Laughter)

When I come home,
my dog is happy and I'm alive!

(Laughter)

It touches something so deep
inside of every man

That the whole evolution of men
where like out there

in the dangerous world.

If you came home alive, they
celebrate it.

(Laughter)

Now it's like
"Oh, he's back".

(Laughter)

"You know, you left the lights
on the living room last night

before you left"

(Laughter)

That's what I get!

If she was just happy...

What a man thinks

"If she was just the way she was
when I married her".

See, when man get married
they stay the same,

as If you can.

And realize women would never
be the same.

They are like the weather.

(Laughter)

It's always changing!

Sunshine, blue clouds, puffy clouds

blue sky, puffy clouds.

Rain storms, lightning strikes,
hurracains.

Tornadoes!

Now If you are from Mars

you have this instincts that
you are the worst thing

when you were with the Venusian.

See, in Mars when there's tornadoes,
what do we do?

We find a ditch and lay low.

It's not what women expect
you to do.

When that tornadoe comes in
you are supposed to stand in there.

(Laughter)

"Is something the matter?"

(Laughter)

And If you read it in my books

when every cell in your body says

"I can't take it anymore"

"I gotta find a ditch and lay low"

"Let me get my car and drive
somewhere"