(Applauses)
So, I asked to turn up the light so that I can see you as well.
We are talking about relationships after all.
And the most important thing in a relationship, man
is to see your wife.
You can see who is married in a restaurant,
or who is dating.
If a man is dating a woman he's looking right at her.
He's got one goal.
(Laugher)
And once he's climbed that mountain you can relax.
You see the married man looking around.
Quite often somebody else got his attention.
Haven't seen her before.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love her
his wife.
It just mean he's never saw that before.
We all do this as we are going to vacations
to lovely spots, new places
getting off the plain here in Bend it was blown away
by the beautifull mountain.
It's exiting.
Because someone new and different
it stimulates our brain chemical called dopamine.
And dopamine gives us motivation, it gives us pleasure
it gives us focus.
And it gives us, happiness in a relationship, passion.
When we fall in love with somebody
is literally like we are high on drugs.
Maybe you don't remember
if you've been married for 28 years like I have,
but, I remided living with my youngest daughter
who is in that first "falling in love stage"
with her "live in".
(Laughter)
They're planning! They're planning!
But she is a modern woman,
she wants to be completely financial self-sufficient
before she gets married.
As the new woman!
She wants to be sufficient.
Yes! Yes! We all wanna be self sufficient.
We all wanna be independent, and then from place of wholeness
come together.
It's a new world.
And I'm gonna talk about that new world today.
The most important thing to understand is
this brain chemical thing dopamine.
'Cause when you haven't met someone, before you are getting to know them
all the ingredients are there to stimulate dopamine.
Newness.
And there's no history.
Where are we going with this?
What's gonna happen?
And that stimulates this brain chemical
and in man, dopamine stimulates a hormone calls testosterone.
So, men testosterone levels are searching.
The average man in 50 have half testoterone levels he had
as a young man.
It starts to drop.
Lot of things contribute to that, but one of the things is: marriage.
(Laughter)
You know, I'm 62 but I went to the 50's with my friends
and several of my friends got divorce
and the came alive!
I'm not recomending divorce to come alive.
(Laughter)
But I am recomending learning new relationships skills
to come alive in your marriage.
But it's like, when you were somebody new
just going to somewhere new, being with somebody new
it stimulates dopamine,
and for men dopamine stimulates testosterone.
And for men, testosterone lowers stress.
I don't mean stress in your life, life is always stressful.
Problems are everywhere.
But how do we react to life is depending
on our hormone respondes to life.
And for men, testosterone is the hormone
that helps men keeps their stress levels down.
Most people don't know this but, I learned this...
30 years ago I was reading...
20 years ago, maybe 30 something in there
I was about to see the movie "The Grumpty Old Man"
and I was also reading the differences
between young man and old man
was that men testosterone level go down.
And then, I made the link.
Gumpty Old Man.
Think about men when they haven't been laid for a while.
They get grumpty.
And we always thought that testosterone caused
all that irrability.
But actually for men, it's estrogen.
(Laughter)
It's all those grumpty old man
have super high estrogen levels
and low testosterone.
Who knew?!
One of the biggest risk factors for heart disease,
prostate cancer for men is low testosterone.
All men, with depression have low testosterone.
And that's why depression is very different
from man than from woman.
Depression for a man is that feeling
"nobody wants me", "I am not needed anymore",
"basically, I'm out of work",
"nobody there to respond for me"
"nobody there for me to fix,
help, serve, support".
So, been out of work is the major depression for man
or being in a marriage where you feel you can't
do anything to make your partner happy.
I get to see it as a marriage counselor for over 30 years
people often on their last exit.
'Cause I am famous people say:
"Oh, you gotta see him"
so I get the tough cases.
(Laughter)
But it's a challenge.
And what I hear again and again for man.
I take the man outside,
"What is the problem here?, what's going on here?,
If we can fix one problem, what would that be?"
"John, the only problem here is my wife is not happy".
That's it.
Now, I do these seminars, workshops for like 4 days
and we started out men in one room, women in the other.
Without my influence, the men write down complaints about
their wifes, relationships, women in one room.
Women do it in another room.
And then we spend the whole 4 days working on that.
And men have one sheet, and women have 5.
(Laughter)
And men's list is one or two words.
"Critical, complaints, nags, punishes, not interested in sex"
that's the longest one they come out with.
(Laughter)
There's a list over there.
And women got all this lists, get a big long list
everything is a long sentences, and if this thing and all that stuff.
(Laughter)
And men go "See?"
(Laughter)
I got a few claps which I'm not asking for
but that's what excites man.
I made a difference.
So men love their dogs so much.
(Laughter)
When I come home, my dog is happy and I'm alive!
(Laughter)
It touches something so deep inside of every man
That the whole evolution of men where like out there
in the dangerous world.
If you came home alive, they celebrate it.
(Laughter)
Now it's like "Oh, he's back".
(Laughter)
"You know, you left the lights on the living room last night
before you left"
(Laughter)
That's what I get!
If she was just happy...
What a man thinks
"If she was just the way she was when I married her".
See, when man get married they stay the same,
as If you can.
And realize women would never be the same.
They are like the weather.
(Laughter)
It's always changing!
Sunshine, blue clouds, puffy clouds
blue sky, puffy clouds.
Rain storms, lightning strikes, hurracains.
Tornadoes!
Now If you are from Mars
you have this instincts that you are the worst thing
when you were with the Venusian.
See, in Mars when there's tornadoes, what do we do?
We find a ditch and lay low.
It's not what women expect you to do.
When that tornadoe comes in you are supposed to stand in there.
(Laughter)
"Is something the matter?"
(Laughter)
And If you read it in my books
when every cell in your body says
"I can't take it anymore"
"I gotta find a ditch and lay low"
"Let me get my car and drive somewhere"