WEBVTT

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(Applauses)

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So, I asked to turn up the light
so that I can see you as well.

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We are talking about 
relationships after all.

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And the most important thing
in a relationship, man

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is to see your wife.

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You can see who is married
in a restaurant,

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or who is dating.

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If a man is dating a woman
he's looking right at her.

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He's got one goal.

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(Laugher)

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And once he's climbed
that mountain you can relax.

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You see the married man 
looking around.

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Quite often somebody else got 
his attention.

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Haven't seen her before.

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It doesn't mean 
he doesn't love her

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his wife.

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It just mean he's never
saw that before.

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We all do this as we are going
to vacations

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to lovely spots, new places

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getting off the plain here in Bend
it was blown away

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by the beautifull mountain.

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It's exiting.

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Because someone new and different

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it stimulates our brain chemical
called dopamine.

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And dopamine gives us motivation,
it gives us pleasure

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it gives us focus.

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And it gives us, happiness in a
relationship, passion.

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When we fall in love with somebody

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is literally like we are high 
on drugs.

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Maybe you don't remember

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if you've been married for
28 years like I have,

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but, I remided living
with my youngest daughter

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who is in that first 
"falling in love stage"

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with her "live in".

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(Laughter)

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They're planning! They're planning!

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But she is a modern woman,

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she wants to be completely financial
self-sufficient

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before she gets married.

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As the new woman!

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She wants to be sufficient.

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Yes! Yes! We all wanna be 
self sufficient.

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We all wanna be independent,
and then from place of wholeness

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come together.

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It's a new world.

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And I'm gonna talk
about that new world today.

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The most important thing 
to understand is

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this brain chemical thing
dopamine.

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'Cause when you haven't met someone,
before you are getting to know them

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all the ingredients are there
to stimulate dopamine.

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Newness.

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And there's no history.

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Where are we going with this?

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What's gonna happen?

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And that stimulates this 
brain chemical

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and in man, dopamine stimulates
a hormone calls testosterone.

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So, men testosterone
levels are searching.

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The average man in 50
have half testoterone levels he had

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as a young man.

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It starts to drop.

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Lot of things contribute to that,
but one of the things is: marriage.

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(Laughter)

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You know, I'm 62 but 
I went to the 50's with my friends

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and several of my friends got divorce

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and the came alive!

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I'm not recomending divorce 
to come alive.

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(Laughter)

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But I am recomending learning
new relationships skills

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to come alive in 
your marriage.

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But it's like, when you 
were somebody new

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just going to somewhere new,
being with somebody new

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it stimulates dopamine,

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and for men dopamine
stimulates testosterone.

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And for men, testosterone
lowers stress.

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I don't mean stress in your life,
life is always stressful.

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Problems are everywhere.

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But how do we react to life
is depending

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on our hormone
respondes to life.

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And for men, testosterone
is the hormone

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that helps men keeps 
their stress levels down.

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Most people don't know this
but, I learned this...

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30 years ago I was reading...

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20 years ago, maybe 30 
something in there

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I was about to see the movie
"The Grumpty Old Man"

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and I was also reading 
the differences

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between young man and old man

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was that men testosterone level
go down.

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And then, I made the link.

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Gumpty Old Man.

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Think about men when
they haven't been laid for a while.

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They get grumpty.

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And we always thought 
that testosterone caused

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all that irrability.

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But actually for men, it's estrogen.

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(Laughter)

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It's all those grumpty
old man

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have super high 
estrogen levels

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and low testosterone.

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Who knew?!

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One of the biggest 
risk factors for heart disease,

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prostate cancer for men
is low testosterone.

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All men, with depression
have low testosterone.

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And that's why depression 
is very different

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from man than 
from woman.

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Depression for a man
is that feeling

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"nobody wants me", 
"I am not needed anymore",

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"basically, I'm out of work",

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"nobody there to respond for me"

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"nobody there for me to fix,

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help, serve, support".

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So, been out of work 
is the major depression for man

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or being in a marriage
where you feel you can't

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do anything to make
your partner happy.

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I get to see it as a marriage
counselor for over 30 years

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people often on their last exit.

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'Cause I am famous people say:

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"Oh, you gotta see him"

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so I get the tough cases.

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(Laughter)

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But it's a challenge.

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And what I hear again and again
for man.

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I take the man outside,

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"What is the problem here?,
what's going on here?,

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If we can fix one problem,
what would that be?"

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"John, the only problem here is 
my wife is not happy".

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That's it.

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Now, I do these seminars, workshops
for like 4 days

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and we started out
men in one room, women in the other.

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Without my influence, the men
write down complaints about

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their wifes, relationships, women
in one room.

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Women do it in another room.

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And then we spend the whole 4 days
working on that.

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And men have one sheet,
and women have 5.

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(Laughter)

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And men's list is one or two words.

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"Critical, complaints, nags, punishes,
not interested in sex"

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that's the longest one they
come out with.

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(Laughter)

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There's a list over there.

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And women got all this lists,
get a big long list

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everything is a long sentences,
and if this thing and all that stuff.

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(Laughter)

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And men go
"See?"

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(Laughter)

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I got a few claps which 
I'm not asking for

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but that's what excites man.

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I made a difference.

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So men love their dogs so much.

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(Laughter)

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When I come home, 
my dog is happy and I'm alive!

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(Laughter)

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It touches something so deep
inside of every man

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That the whole evolution of men
where like out there

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in the dangerous world.

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If you came home alive, they 
celebrate it.

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(Laughter)

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Now it's like 
"Oh, he's back".

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(Laughter)

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"You know, you left the lights
on the living room last night

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before you left"

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(Laughter)

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That's what I get!

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If she was just happy...

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What a man thinks

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"If she was just the way she was
when I married her".

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See, when man get married
they stay the same,

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as If you can.

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And realize women would never
be the same.

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They are like the weather.

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(Laughter)

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It's always changing!

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Sunshine, blue clouds, puffy clouds

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blue sky, puffy clouds.

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Rain storms, lightning strikes,
hurracains.

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Tornadoes!

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Now If you are from Mars

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you have this instincts that
you are the worst thing

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when you were with the Venusian.

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See, in Mars when there's tornadoes,
what do we do?

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We find a ditch and lay low.

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It's not what women expect
you to do.

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When that tornadoe comes in 
you are supposed to stand in there.

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(Laughter)

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"Is something the matter?"

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(Laughter)

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And If you read it in my books

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when every cell in your body says

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"I can't take it anymore"

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"I gotta find a ditch and lay low"

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"Let me get my car and drive
somewhere"