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Negotiation expert: lessons from my horse | Margaret Neale | TEDxStanford

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    I teach negotiation.
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    I do research in negotiation.
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    I write books in negotiation.
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    And I work with students and executives
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    to help them get more of what they want
    from their negotiations.
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    And one of the biggest challenges
    that we face in negotiations
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    is that we view negotiations as a battle.
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    And that battle is characterized
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    by "I'm going to try to get stuff from you
    that you don't want to give me;
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    and I'm going to try to keep you
    from getting my stuff."
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    And if we view negotiations as a battle,
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    we already have a problem.
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    I'm going to suggest
    that what's more important
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    is that we look at negotiations
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    as an opportunity
    for collaborative problem-solving,
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    looking for a solution
    that makes me better off,
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    better off than my alternatives,
    better off than my status quo.
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    But because there is no command
    and control in negotiation,
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    I cannot force you to say "Yes."
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    All I can do is present proposals
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    where you believe
    it is in your interest to say "Yes."
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    And so, once I take
    that perspective on negotiation
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    which highlights the importance
    of the other as well as me,
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    so many more things
    open up to negotiation:
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    whether it's a new job -
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    I'm trying to negotiate the terms
    of my employment contract -
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    whether I'm trying to do
    an acquisition for my company;
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    whether I'm in a meeting;
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    whether I'm deciding with my spouse
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    who's going to take the dog out
    on a cold and rainy night;
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    or whether I'm thinking
    about what the rules are
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    that my offspring will have to follow
    and I will have to agree to
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    when they use my car.
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    And this is very good advice,
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    but I am here today with a confession
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    that I don't always follow
    my very good advice.
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    And I want to introduce you
    to my longtime negotiating counterpart.
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    This is Sal.
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    Sal is a 15-year-old quarter horse.
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    She is a mare.
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    And Sal came to me
    as a gift from my husband.
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    My husband was the prior owner of Sal,
    and he discovered, very quickly,
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    that Sal was more horse
    than he could handle.
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    So, as a solution to his problem,
    he thought he would just give her to me.
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    And he did that because he thought -
    and he told this to me -
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    "You two are so alike."
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    (Laughter)
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    And to demonstrate that,
    we have a picture.
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    So this is Sal and me,
    but early on in our relationship.
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    And we are about to attempt
    a relatively complex maneuver
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    called the flying lead change.
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    Look at my jaw: it's tight,
    my lips: pressed.
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    My eyes, if you can see them
    through the sunglasses,
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    there's a laser-like focus
    on where I need to be with my horse,
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    and my reins have a death grip.
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    But this is a move that requires
    both of us, both Sal and me.
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    And if you look at Sal, you see
    she has a similar look on her face.
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    Her jaw is tight.
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    Look at her ears.
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    Clearly, I have a goal in mind
    but so does she,
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    and it might not be the same thing.
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    (Laughter)
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    But my vision was good:
    what I wanted us to be was good.
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    Let me show you what I had in my head
    about how we might look.
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    (Music)
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    This is Buck Brannamon
    and his horse Rebel.
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    Look at these.
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    Look at how they move together.
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    The smoothness with which they move
    across the pasture.
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    It's stunning - the fluidity, the dance.
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    It's as if this man's brain
    is attached directly to this horse's feet.
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    This is what I wanted.
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    That was a good goal.
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    So, I decided, "Yes."
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    And I started working hard
    on getting Sal to look like Rebel.
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    And the harder and harder I pushed her,
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    the more she got resistant,
    the more she got tight,
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    the more she got anxious,
    the more we didn't go forward.
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    And it came to a head
    about three years ago.
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    Two of my friends
    and I were in the pasture.
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    And they took off to go do
    something with their horses,
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    but I decided that Sal and I should stay
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    and work on a particular dance step
    that we were trying to achieve.
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    And when they left, she got anxious,
    which is not surprising,
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    because horses are prey animals,
    their herds are their source of support.
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    And when she was left alone,
    she was feeling very scared.
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    And I made, of course,
    my first mistake in all of this.
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    I focused on winning,
    on getting her to do what I wanted
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    rather than problem solving.
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    And so if she saw
    herself alone - no support -
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    she certainly didn't see
    me as her support.
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    What she saw was the thing
    that could protect her, her herd,
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    was leaving, and now she was alone.
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    She was isolated, and she was at risk.
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    And so as we continued,
    I tried to keep her with me,
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    but she wanted to go with them.
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    And what happened was
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    because she couldn't go forward,
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    the only thing she could do is go up.
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    And she reared.
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    And I struggled mightily
    to get all four feet back on the ground,
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    and I did for a moment,
    but soon after that,
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    she reared again, and then a third time,
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    and at that point,
    scared for my life, I bailed on Sal.
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    I abandoned her.
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    Now, at this point,
    I had created a power struggle.
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    And, at that moment, we were both
    in a struggle for our survival.
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    Right now, you are probably thinking,
    "You know, you are such a drama queen."
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    (Laughter)
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    "What's a little rear?"
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    I mean, after all, if you are my age,
    you remember Roy Rogers and Trigger.
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    Right? And Trigger would rear.
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    I remember my younger self
    seeing that, thinking,
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    "I want a horse like that.
    I want that power, that beauty."
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    Or if you are much younger than me
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    and maybe one of the few people who saw
    that latest movie "The Lone Ranger,"
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    you might have seen Silver rearing,
    and again, power and beauty.
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    But these are Hollywood horses,
    and those are tricks.
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    What rearing is like in the real world?
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    It is not beautiful.
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    It is scary. It is dangerous.
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    When a horse rears,
    they can fall over backwards.
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    And when they fall over backwards,
    the rider is crushed or killed.
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    And when they fall over backwards,
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    they hit their head on the way down.
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    And they are dead.
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    So, while rearing has this Hollywood view,
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    in the real world, it is so dangerous.
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    And while I know my goal,
    my vision was good and important,
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    what I had forgotten
    was to be flexible in how I got there.
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    And my vision was good.
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    This is a beautiful picture;
    Sal and I could be ...
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    we could be wonderful together.
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    But while I was hoping for this,
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    this is more like Sal thought.
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    What Sal saw was:
    we were at a complete impasse.
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    This wasn't a win-win.
    This wasn't even a win-lose.
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    For us, we were at lose-lose.
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    And maybe I was at the time
    where I had to, like my husband, Al,
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    say, "This horse was too much for me."
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    And maybe give her to a rider
    who could do more with her,
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    who could help her out.
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    But I cared about this horse,
    and I cared about us,
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    and I cared about our relationship.
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    So I had to change.
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    After all, I'm the one with the big brain;
    I'm the one with the opposable thumbs.
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    And I have all these tools.
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    I'm the one who needed to change.
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    So I talked to my teachers.
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    And I went back and they said to me,
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    "You have forgotten
    the most important lesson:
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    that this relationship between
    you and Sal is a partnership.
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    It's not a dictatorship.
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    So, you need to go back
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    because Sal doesn't have the language
    of words to make offers and counteroffers.
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    She can't say 'No' to you."
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    But what Sal was doing
    with every fiber of her being
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    was using her language
    of touch and feel to say,
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    "No." This wasn't working.
    This wasn't a partnership.
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    And she was afraid.
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    She was not being stubborn
    when she reared;
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    she was fearing for her life.
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    And so we did go back.
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    And I could tell you
    I had to start all over again
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    because I had to be the leader
    where she found comfort and support.
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    Because if I were fearful,
    she could feel that fear
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    through the layers of leather
    of a western saddle.
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    And if I, the rider,
    the person in charge, was afraid,
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    what hope did she as a prey animal have?
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    I had to remember a lesson that I learned
    when I - for being an academic,
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    is that you can't just bull
    your way through things.
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    You have to learn how to problem-solve.
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    But, for some reason,
    I hadn't brought that lesson to Sal.
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    And so I had to go back.
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    I had to become that calm, confident
    leader that allowed Sal to make mistakes
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    and to learn from those mistakes.
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    Because horses have
    really two motivations:
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    they do what they think
    they are supposed to do,
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    or they do what they need
    to do to survive.
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    And I had to move us
    out of a survival mode
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    because nobody can learn then,
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    and move us into a learning mode.
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    Now, it's been almost three years
    to the day that that happened.
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    And Sal and I are very different.
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    We did go back, and we moved forward
    with such speed this time
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    that I'd never have predicted back then
    that we would ever make it to here.
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    Now, are we perfect? No.
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    Sal and I have good days,
    and we have bad days.
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    And I make mistakes all the time.
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    But the difference
    is that now Sal sees me
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    as a source of support
    and comfort for her.
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    She sees me as someone
    who will where good things happen,
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    and I can keep the bad things away.
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    And to demonstrate,
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    let me show you a picture of Sal and me
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    that was taken by Al last March.
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    This was like last month.
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    Now I want you to notice a couple
    of things about this picture.
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    Notice that there is nothing
    on Sal's face;
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    there is no rope, no reins, no bridle.
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    Sal is behaving exactly
    as she chooses to behave.
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    And notice that she is choosing.
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    Her horse buddies are behind her
    in the background.
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    She is choosing to walk away
    from them and with me.
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    And look at her.
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    She is soft; she is willing; she is calm.
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    And look at me. I'm really different too.
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    I am soft, and I am calm,
    and I am confident.
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    So, perhaps, as you think
    about your next big negotiation,
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    you might be tempted to see
    if you can borrow Sal
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    for a little tune-up in how to negotiate.
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    But what might be more,
    safer for all of us
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    is that if you just remember
    the lessons of Sal and me.
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    Focus on solving the problem,
    not on winning the battle,
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    because if you find yourself in a battle,
    in a power struggle in a negotiation,
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    you have already lost.
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    And the key to being able to solve
    problems in a negotiation
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    is to understand your counterpart,
    to know what motivates them,
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    what will influence them to move
    down that path of agreement
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    with you, of their own volition.
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    Remember there is no command
    and control in negotiation;
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    I can't force you to say "Yes."
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    And remember that that works
    for your counterparts,
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    whether they are human or horse.
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    And goals are important;
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    you absolutely need to know
    what a good deal is for you.
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    But you also need to have flexibility
    in how to achieve that goal.
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    And for me, this is the lesson
    that I must learn and relearn
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    because too often, I choose a path
    to my goal because I have chosen it,
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    not because it is the right one.
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    And in closing, I want to acknowledge
    the considerable debt I owe
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    for becoming a better negotiator
    and a better human to my partner Sal.
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    Thank you.
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    (Applause)
Title:
Negotiation expert: lessons from my horse | Margaret Neale | TEDxStanford
Description:

Co-author of "Getting (More of) What You Want," award winning researcher and management professor Margaret Neale admits she doesn’t always take her own advice. In an honest talk about her personal experience, and based on her philosophy that “you can’t force someone to say yes,” Neale explains why her horse Sal may be the best reminder that successful negotiation is not a battle.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
14:36

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