WEBVTT 00:00:11.234 --> 00:00:12.964 I teach negotiation. 00:00:13.714 --> 00:00:15.963 I do research in negotiation. 00:00:16.453 --> 00:00:18.593 I write books in negotiation. 00:00:19.263 --> 00:00:21.254 And I work with students and executives 00:00:21.254 --> 00:00:24.923 to help them get more of what they want from their negotiations. 00:00:25.203 --> 00:00:28.304 And one of the biggest challenges that we face in negotiations 00:00:28.304 --> 00:00:30.584 is that we view negotiations as a battle. 00:00:31.114 --> 00:00:32.685 And that battle is characterized 00:00:32.685 --> 00:00:36.184 by "I'm going to try to get stuff from you that you don't want to give me; 00:00:36.184 --> 00:00:38.873 and I'm going to try to keep you from getting my stuff." 00:00:39.343 --> 00:00:42.346 And if we view negotiations as a battle, 00:00:43.215 --> 00:00:44.985 we already have a problem. 00:00:45.265 --> 00:00:47.455 I'm going to suggest that what's more important 00:00:47.455 --> 00:00:48.945 is that we look at negotiations 00:00:48.945 --> 00:00:51.805 as an opportunity for collaborative problem-solving, 00:00:52.155 --> 00:00:55.225 looking for a solution that makes me better off, 00:00:55.705 --> 00:01:00.559 better off than my alternatives, better off than my status quo. 00:01:01.036 --> 00:01:04.977 But because there is no command and control in negotiation, 00:01:05.167 --> 00:01:07.475 I cannot force you to say "Yes." 00:01:08.184 --> 00:01:09.995 All I can do is present proposals 00:01:09.995 --> 00:01:13.536 where you believe it is in your interest to say "Yes." 00:01:14.556 --> 00:01:18.706 And so, once I take that perspective on negotiation 00:01:18.706 --> 00:01:22.266 which highlights the importance of the other as well as me, 00:01:23.396 --> 00:01:26.247 so many more things open up to negotiation: 00:01:26.247 --> 00:01:27.497 whether it's a new job - 00:01:27.497 --> 00:01:30.378 I'm trying to negotiate the terms of my employment contract - NOTE Paragraph 00:01:30.378 --> 00:01:32.977 whether I'm trying to do an acquisition for my company; 00:01:32.977 --> 00:01:34.355 whether I'm in a meeting; 00:01:34.525 --> 00:01:36.677 whether I'm deciding with my spouse 00:01:36.677 --> 00:01:39.427 who's going to take the dog out on a cold and rainy night; 00:01:39.427 --> 00:01:42.316 or whether I'm thinking about what the rules are 00:01:42.316 --> 00:01:45.757 that my offspring will have to follow and I will have to agree to 00:01:45.757 --> 00:01:47.707 when they use my car. 00:01:49.757 --> 00:01:52.287 And this is very good advice, 00:01:52.687 --> 00:01:55.347 but I am here today with a confession 00:01:55.867 --> 00:01:59.809 that I don't always follow my very good advice. 00:02:00.459 --> 00:02:06.287 And I want to introduce you to my longtime negotiating counterpart. 00:02:07.857 --> 00:02:09.468 This is Sal. 00:02:09.958 --> 00:02:13.398 Sal is a 15-year-old quarter horse. 00:02:13.778 --> 00:02:14.898 She is a mare. 00:02:15.518 --> 00:02:22.358 And Sal came to me as a gift from my husband. 00:02:23.358 --> 00:02:27.768 My husband was the prior owner of Sal, and he discovered, very quickly, 00:02:27.768 --> 00:02:30.957 that Sal was more horse than he could handle. 00:02:31.167 --> 00:02:37.249 So, as a solution to his problem, he thought he would just give her to me. 00:02:38.209 --> 00:02:42.388 And he did that because he thought - and he told this to me - 00:02:42.388 --> 00:02:44.927 "You two are so alike." 00:02:45.097 --> 00:02:46.217 (Laughter) 00:02:49.807 --> 00:02:53.329 And to demonstrate that, we have a picture. 00:02:53.859 --> 00:02:58.430 So this is Sal and me, but early on in our relationship. 00:02:58.770 --> 00:03:02.249 And we are about to attempt a relatively complex maneuver 00:03:02.249 --> 00:03:04.069 called the flying lead change. 00:03:04.569 --> 00:03:10.339 Look at my jaw: it's tight, my lips: pressed. 00:03:10.339 --> 00:03:12.829 My eyes, if you can see them through the sunglasses, 00:03:12.829 --> 00:03:17.400 there's a laser-like focus on where I need to be with my horse, 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:19.950 and my reins have a death grip. 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:25.810 But this is a move that requires both of us, both Sal and me. 00:03:26.170 --> 00:03:32.409 And if you look at Sal, you see she has a similar look on her face. 00:03:32.799 --> 00:03:34.630 Her jaw is tight. 00:03:35.150 --> 00:03:36.692 Look at her ears. 00:03:37.072 --> 00:03:39.782 Clearly, I have a goal in mind but so does she, 00:03:39.782 --> 00:03:42.721 and it might not be the same thing. 00:03:42.721 --> 00:03:43.631 (Laughter) 00:03:45.451 --> 00:03:49.370 But my vision was good: what I wanted us to be was good. 00:03:49.630 --> 00:03:53.670 Let me show you what I had in my head about how we might look. 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:55.260 (Music) 00:03:55.440 --> 00:03:58.021 This is Buck Brannamon and his horse Rebel. 00:03:58.801 --> 00:04:00.191 Look at these. 00:04:00.191 --> 00:04:02.190 Look at how they move together. 00:04:02.190 --> 00:04:05.881 The smoothness with which they move across the pasture. 00:04:06.071 --> 00:04:10.441 It's stunning - the fluidity, the dance. 00:04:11.071 --> 00:04:17.363 It's as if this man's brain is attached directly to this horse's feet. 00:04:18.423 --> 00:04:20.692 This is what I wanted. 00:04:22.352 --> 00:04:23.942 That was a good goal. 00:04:23.942 --> 00:04:27.232 So, I decided, "Yes." 00:04:27.252 --> 00:04:33.182 And I started working hard on getting Sal to look like Rebel. 00:04:33.652 --> 00:04:35.952 And the harder and harder I pushed her, 00:04:36.172 --> 00:04:39.892 the more she got resistant, the more she got tight, 00:04:40.052 --> 00:04:44.302 the more she got anxious, the more we didn't go forward. 00:04:45.482 --> 00:04:49.112 And it came to a head about three years ago. 00:04:50.602 --> 00:04:52.922 Two of my friends and I were in the pasture. 00:04:53.122 --> 00:04:56.022 And they took off to go do something with their horses, 00:04:56.032 --> 00:05:00.163 but I decided that Sal and I should stay 00:05:00.703 --> 00:05:04.022 and work on a particular dance step that we were trying to achieve. 00:05:05.222 --> 00:05:09.574 And when they left, she got anxious, which is not surprising, 00:05:09.574 --> 00:05:14.723 because horses are prey animals, their herds are their source of support. 00:05:15.133 --> 00:05:19.584 And when she was left alone, she was feeling very scared. 00:05:20.834 --> 00:05:23.585 And I made, of course, my first mistake in all of this. 00:05:23.725 --> 00:05:27.624 I focused on winning, on getting her to do what I wanted 00:05:28.664 --> 00:05:30.614 rather than problem solving. 00:05:30.804 --> 00:05:34.263 And so if she saw herself alone - no support - 00:05:34.263 --> 00:05:36.984 she certainly didn't see me as her support. 00:05:37.604 --> 00:05:42.543 What she saw was the thing that could protect her, her herd, 00:05:42.543 --> 00:05:45.054 was leaving, and now she was alone. 00:05:45.374 --> 00:05:48.655 She was isolated, and she was at risk. 00:05:49.695 --> 00:05:53.745 And so as we continued, I tried to keep her with me, 00:05:53.745 --> 00:05:55.325 but she wanted to go with them. 00:05:55.335 --> 00:05:56.835 And what happened was 00:05:56.835 --> 00:05:58.835 because she couldn't go forward, 00:05:58.835 --> 00:06:02.275 the only thing she could do is go up. 00:06:03.755 --> 00:06:05.105 And she reared. 00:06:05.795 --> 00:06:10.795 And I struggled mightily to get all four feet back on the ground, 00:06:11.195 --> 00:06:13.255 and I did for a moment, but soon after that, 00:06:13.255 --> 00:06:15.157 she reared again, and then a third time, 00:06:15.157 --> 00:06:20.013 and at that point, scared for my life, I bailed on Sal. 00:06:20.666 --> 00:06:21.936 I abandoned her. 00:06:22.856 --> 00:06:26.865 Now, at this point, I had created a power struggle. 00:06:28.305 --> 00:06:34.386 And, at that moment, we were both in a struggle for our survival. 00:06:35.346 --> 00:06:39.906 Right now, you are probably thinking, "You know, you are such a drama queen." 00:06:39.986 --> 00:06:40.796 (Laughter) 00:06:41.076 --> 00:06:42.627 "What's a little rear?" 00:06:42.947 --> 00:06:48.796 I mean, after all, if you are my age, you remember Roy Rogers and Trigger. 00:06:49.136 --> 00:06:50.697 Right? And Trigger would rear. 00:06:50.707 --> 00:06:53.608 I remember my younger self seeing that, thinking, 00:06:54.308 --> 00:06:59.147 "I want a horse like that. I want that power, that beauty." 00:06:59.697 --> 00:07:01.837 Or if you are much younger than me 00:07:02.067 --> 00:07:06.708 and maybe one of the few people who saw that latest movie "The Lone Ranger," 00:07:06.878 --> 00:07:13.197 you might have seen Silver rearing, and again, power and beauty. 00:07:13.687 --> 00:07:16.778 But these are Hollywood horses, and those are tricks. 00:07:17.698 --> 00:07:20.138 What rearing is like in the real world? 00:07:20.138 --> 00:07:21.608 It is not beautiful. 00:07:21.958 --> 00:07:25.628 It is scary. It is dangerous. 00:07:26.338 --> 00:07:29.859 When a horse rears, they can fall over backwards. 00:07:30.569 --> 00:07:34.428 And when they fall over backwards, the rider is crushed or killed. 00:07:34.908 --> 00:07:36.689 And when they fall over backwards, 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:39.448 they hit their head on the way down. 00:07:39.448 --> 00:07:41.718 And they are dead. 00:07:42.138 --> 00:07:45.788 So, while rearing has this Hollywood view, 00:07:46.138 --> 00:07:50.148 in the real world, it is so dangerous. 00:07:51.308 --> 00:07:56.069 And while I know my goal, my vision was good and important, 00:07:56.209 --> 00:08:00.818 what I had forgotten was to be flexible in how I got there. 00:08:01.068 --> 00:08:02.619 And my vision was good. 00:08:02.739 --> 00:08:05.980 This is a beautiful picture; Sal and I could be ... 00:08:06.270 --> 00:08:08.200 we could be wonderful together. 00:08:08.410 --> 00:08:10.239 But while I was hoping for this, 00:08:10.259 --> 00:08:13.239 this is more like Sal thought. 00:08:13.239 --> 00:08:16.570 What Sal saw was: we were at a complete impasse. 00:08:17.290 --> 00:08:20.380 This wasn't a win-win. This wasn't even a win-lose. 00:08:20.679 --> 00:08:23.059 For us, we were at lose-lose. 00:08:23.399 --> 00:08:28.540 And maybe I was at the time where I had to, like my husband, Al, 00:08:29.190 --> 00:08:31.110 say, "This horse was too much for me." 00:08:31.150 --> 00:08:34.810 And maybe give her to a rider who could do more with her, 00:08:34.890 --> 00:08:36.340 who could help her out. 00:08:37.350 --> 00:08:40.870 But I cared about this horse, and I cared about us, 00:08:41.160 --> 00:08:43.450 and I cared about our relationship. 00:08:44.050 --> 00:08:46.570 So I had to change. 00:08:47.260 --> 00:08:52.629 After all, I'm the one with the big brain; I'm the one with the opposable thumbs. 00:08:52.839 --> 00:08:54.631 And I have all these tools. 00:08:55.621 --> 00:08:58.181 I'm the one who needed to change. 00:08:59.441 --> 00:09:02.061 So I talked to my teachers. 00:09:03.011 --> 00:09:06.771 And I went back and they said to me, 00:09:07.091 --> 00:09:10.630 "You have forgotten the most important lesson: 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:16.420 that this relationship between you and Sal is a partnership. 00:09:16.780 --> 00:09:19.101 It's not a dictatorship. 00:09:20.141 --> 00:09:21.941 So, you need to go back 00:09:21.941 --> 00:09:26.380 because Sal doesn't have the language of words to make offers and counteroffers. 00:09:26.490 --> 00:09:28.842 She can't say 'No' to you." 00:09:29.702 --> 00:09:33.422 But what Sal was doing with every fiber of her being 00:09:33.422 --> 00:09:37.103 was using her language of touch and feel to say, 00:09:37.103 --> 00:09:41.802 "No." This wasn't working. This wasn't a partnership. 00:09:42.072 --> 00:09:43.442 And she was afraid. 00:09:43.482 --> 00:09:45.762 She was not being stubborn when she reared; 00:09:45.762 --> 00:09:47.492 she was fearing for her life. 00:09:48.952 --> 00:09:50.733 And so we did go back. 00:09:51.043 --> 00:09:54.053 And I could tell you I had to start all over again 00:09:54.053 --> 00:09:59.123 because I had to be the leader where she found comfort and support. 00:09:59.623 --> 00:10:03.782 Because if I were fearful, she could feel that fear 00:10:03.782 --> 00:10:07.662 through the layers of leather of a western saddle. 00:10:07.792 --> 00:10:13.032 And if I, the rider, the person in charge, was afraid, 00:10:13.302 --> 00:10:16.133 what hope did she as a prey animal have? 00:10:17.523 --> 00:10:21.834 I had to remember a lesson that I learned when I - for being an academic, 00:10:21.834 --> 00:10:24.283 is that you can't just bull your way through things. 00:10:24.283 --> 00:10:26.174 You have to learn how to problem-solve. 00:10:26.174 --> 00:10:30.244 But, for some reason, I hadn't brought that lesson to Sal. 00:10:30.874 --> 00:10:32.434 And so I had to go back. 00:10:33.314 --> 00:10:38.764 I had to become that calm, confident leader that allowed Sal to make mistakes 00:10:38.994 --> 00:10:41.063 and to learn from those mistakes. 00:10:41.774 --> 00:10:45.074 Because horses have really two motivations: 00:10:45.074 --> 00:10:48.614 they do what they think they are supposed to do, 00:10:48.814 --> 00:10:51.654 or they do what they need to do to survive. 00:10:52.344 --> 00:10:54.614 And I had to move us out of a survival mode 00:10:54.614 --> 00:10:56.664 because nobody can learn then, 00:10:56.744 --> 00:11:00.234 and move us into a learning mode. 00:11:01.874 --> 00:11:07.405 Now, it's been almost three years to the day that that happened. 00:11:08.455 --> 00:11:10.544 And Sal and I are very different. 00:11:11.444 --> 00:11:16.045 We did go back, and we moved forward with such speed this time 00:11:16.835 --> 00:11:21.264 that I'd never have predicted back then that we would ever make it to here. 00:11:22.494 --> 00:11:24.556 Now, are we perfect? No. 00:11:24.556 --> 00:11:27.486 Sal and I have good days, and we have bad days. 00:11:28.726 --> 00:11:31.076 And I make mistakes all the time. 00:11:31.996 --> 00:11:35.171 But the difference is that now Sal sees me 00:11:35.584 --> 00:11:38.606 as a source of support and comfort for her. 00:11:38.945 --> 00:11:43.026 She sees me as someone who will where good things happen, 00:11:43.036 --> 00:11:45.436 and I can keep the bad things away. 00:11:46.376 --> 00:11:47.566 And to demonstrate, 00:11:47.566 --> 00:11:50.546 let me show you a picture of Sal and me 00:11:50.546 --> 00:11:54.085 that was taken by Al last March. 00:11:54.085 --> 00:11:56.185 This was like last month. 00:11:56.475 --> 00:11:59.466 Now I want you to notice a couple of things about this picture. 00:11:59.706 --> 00:12:02.266 Notice that there is nothing on Sal's face; 00:12:02.506 --> 00:12:05.337 there is no rope, no reins, no bridle. 00:12:05.547 --> 00:12:10.107 Sal is behaving exactly as she chooses to behave. 00:12:10.487 --> 00:12:12.457 And notice that she is choosing. 00:12:12.477 --> 00:12:15.247 Her horse buddies are behind her in the background. 00:12:15.247 --> 00:12:19.677 She is choosing to walk away from them and with me. 00:12:21.087 --> 00:12:22.287 And look at her. 00:12:22.307 --> 00:12:27.287 She is soft; she is willing; she is calm. 00:12:28.319 --> 00:12:31.708 And look at me. I'm really different too. 00:12:32.468 --> 00:12:36.768 I am soft, and I am calm, and I am confident. 00:12:38.598 --> 00:12:44.237 So, perhaps, as you think about your next big negotiation, 00:12:44.827 --> 00:12:48.618 you might be tempted to see if you can borrow Sal 00:12:48.968 --> 00:12:51.828 for a little tune-up in how to negotiate. 00:12:52.238 --> 00:12:57.338 But what might be more, safer for all of us 00:12:57.338 --> 00:13:01.939 is that if you just remember the lessons of Sal and me. 00:13:02.959 --> 00:13:08.079 Focus on solving the problem, not on winning the battle, 00:13:08.099 --> 00:13:13.464 because if you find yourself in a battle, in a power struggle in a negotiation, 00:13:13.788 --> 00:13:16.539 you have already lost. 00:13:19.019 --> 00:13:23.780 And the key to being able to solve problems in a negotiation 00:13:23.800 --> 00:13:28.561 is to understand your counterpart, to know what motivates them, 00:13:28.768 --> 00:13:32.509 what will influence them to move down that path of agreement 00:13:32.529 --> 00:13:34.959 with you, of their own volition. 00:13:34.969 --> 00:13:38.570 Remember there is no command and control in negotiation; 00:13:38.590 --> 00:13:40.460 I can't force you to say "Yes." 00:13:42.740 --> 00:13:45.490 And remember that that works for your counterparts, 00:13:45.490 --> 00:13:48.440 whether they are human or horse. 00:13:49.480 --> 00:13:51.094 And goals are important; 00:13:51.104 --> 00:13:54.920 you absolutely need to know what a good deal is for you. 00:13:55.840 --> 00:14:00.580 But you also need to have flexibility in how to achieve that goal. 00:14:00.730 --> 00:14:06.081 And for me, this is the lesson that I must learn and relearn 00:14:06.101 --> 00:14:12.381 because too often, I choose a path to my goal because I have chosen it, 00:14:12.621 --> 00:14:14.951 not because it is the right one. 00:14:16.451 --> 00:14:21.591 And in closing, I want to acknowledge the considerable debt I owe 00:14:21.981 --> 00:14:28.822 for becoming a better negotiator and a better human to my partner Sal. 00:14:29.732 --> 00:14:30.791 Thank you. 00:14:30.791 --> 00:14:32.311 (Applause)