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I teach negotiation.[br]

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I do research in negotiation.[br]

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I write books in negotiation.

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And I work with students and executives

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to help them get more of what they want[br]from their negotiations.

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And one of the biggest challenges[br]that we face in negotiations

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is that we view negotiations as a battle.

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And that battle is characterized

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by "I'm going to try to get stuff from you[br]that you don't want to give me;

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and I'm going to try to keep you[br]from getting my stuff."

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And if we view negotiations as a battle,

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we already have a problem.

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I'm going to suggest[br]that what's more important

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is that we look at negotiations

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as an opportunity[br]for collaborative problem-solving,

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looking for a solution[br]that makes me better off,

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better off than my alternatives,[br]better off than my status quo.

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But because there is no command[br]and control in negotiation,

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I cannot force you to say "Yes."

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All I can do is present proposals

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where you believe[br]it is in your interest to say "Yes."

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And so, once I take[br]that perspective on negotiation

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which highlights the importance[br]of the other as well as me,

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so many more things[br]open up to negotiation:

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whether it's a new job -

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I'm trying to negotiate the terms[br]of my employment contract -

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whether I'm trying to do[br]an acquisition for my company;

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whether I'm in a meeting;

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whether I'm deciding with my spouse

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who's going to take the dog out[br]on a cold and rainy night;

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or whether I'm thinking[br]about what the rules are

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that my offspring will have to follow[br]and I will have to agree to

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when they use my car.

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And this is very good advice,

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but I am here today with a confession

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that I don't always follow[br]my very good advice.

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And I want to introduce you[br]to my longtime negotiating counterpart.

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This is Sal.

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Sal is a 15-year-old quarter horse.

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She is a mare.

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And Sal came to me[br]as a gift from my husband.

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My husband was the prior owner of Sal,[br]and he discovered, very quickly,

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that Sal was more horse[br]than he could handle.

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So, as a solution to his problem,[br]he thought he would just give her to me.

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And he did that because he thought -[br]and he told this to me -

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"You two are so alike."

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(Laughter)

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And to demonstrate that,[br]we have a picture.

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So this is Sal and me,[br]but early on in our relationship.

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And we are about to attempt[br]a relatively complex maneuver

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called the flying lead change.

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Look at my jaw: it's tight,[br]my lips: pressed.

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My eyes, if you can see them[br]through the sunglasses,

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there's a laser-like focus[br]on where I need to be with my horse,

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and my reins have a death grip.

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But this is a move that requires[br]both of us, both Sal and me.

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And if you look at Sal, you see[br]she has a similar look on her face.

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Her jaw is tight.

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Look at her ears.

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Clearly, I have a goal in mind[br]but so does she,

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and it might not be the same thing.

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(Laughter)

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But my vision was good:[br]what I wanted us to be was good.

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Let me show you what I had in my head[br]about how we might look.

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(Music)

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This is Buck Brannamon[br]and his horse Rebel.

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Look at these.

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Look at how they move together.

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The smoothness with which they move[br]across the pasture.

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It's stunning - the fluidity, the dance.

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It's as if this man's brain[br]is attached directly to this horse's feet.

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This is what I wanted. [br]

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That was a good goal.

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So, I decided, "Yes."

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And I started working hard[br]on getting Sal to look like Rebel.

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And the harder and harder I pushed her,

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the more she got resistant,[br]the more she got tight,

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the more she got anxious,[br]the more we didn't go forward.

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And it came to a head [br]about three years ago.

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Two of my friends[br]and I were in the pasture.

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And they took off to go do[br]something with their horses,

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but I decided that Sal and I should stay

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and work on a particular dance step[br]that we were trying to achieve.

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And when they left, she got anxious,[br]which is not surprising,

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because horses are prey animals,[br]their herds are their source of support.

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And when she was left alone,[br]she was feeling very scared.

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And I made, of course, [br]my first mistake in all of this.

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I focused on winning,[br]on getting her to do what I wanted

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rather than problem solving.

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And so if she saw[br]herself alone - no support -

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she certainly didn't see[br]me as her support.

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What she saw was the thing[br]that could protect her, her herd,

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was leaving, and now she was alone.

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She was isolated, and she was at risk.

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And so as we continued,[br]I tried to keep her with me,

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but she wanted to go with them.

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And what happened was

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because she couldn't go forward,

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the only thing she could do is go up.

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And she reared.

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And I struggled mightily[br]to get all four feet back on the ground,

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and I did for a moment,[br]but soon after that,

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she reared again, and then a third time,

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and at that point, [br]scared for my life, I bailed on Sal.

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I abandoned her.

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Now, at this point,[br]I had created a power struggle.

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And, at that moment, we were both[br]in a struggle for our survival.

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Right now, you are probably thinking,[br]"You know, you are such a drama queen."

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(Laughter)

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"What's a little rear?"

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I mean, after all, if you are my age,[br]you remember Roy Rogers and Trigger.

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Right? And Trigger would rear.

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I remember my younger self[br]seeing that, thinking,

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"I want a horse like that.[br]I want that power, that beauty."

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Or if you are much younger than me

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and maybe one of the few people who saw[br]that latest movie "The Lone Ranger,"

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you might have seen Silver rearing,[br]and again, power and beauty.

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But these are Hollywood horses,[br]and those are tricks.

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What rearing is like in the real world?

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It is not beautiful.

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It is scary. It is dangerous.

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When a horse rears,[br]they can fall over backwards.

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And when they fall over backwards,[br]the rider is crushed or killed.

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And when they fall over backwards,

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they hit their head on the way down.

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And they are dead.

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So, while rearing has this Hollywood view,

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in the real world, it is so dangerous.

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And while I know my goal,[br]my vision was good and important,

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what I had forgotten[br]was to be flexible in how I got there.

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And my vision was good.

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This is a beautiful picture;[br]Sal and I could be ...

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we could be wonderful together.

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But while I was hoping for this,

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this is more like Sal thought.

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What Sal saw was:[br]we were at a complete impasse.

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This wasn't a win-win.[br]This wasn't even a win-lose.

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For us, we were at lose-lose.

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And maybe I was at the time[br]where I had to, like my husband, Al,

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say, "This horse was too much for me."

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And maybe give her to a rider[br]who could do more with her,

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who could help her out.

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But I cared about this horse,[br]and I cared about us,

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and I cared about our relationship.

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So I had to change.

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After all, I'm the one with the big brain;[br]I'm the one with the opposable thumbs.

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And I have all these tools.

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I'm the one who needed to change.[br]

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So I talked to my teachers.

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And I went back and they said to me,

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"You have forgotten[br]the most important lesson:

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that this relationship between[br]you and Sal is a partnership.

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It's not a dictatorship.[br]

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So, you need to go back

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because Sal doesn't have the language[br]of words to make offers and counteroffers.

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She can't say 'No' to you."

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But what Sal was doing[br]with every fiber of her being

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was using her language[br]of touch and feel to say,

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"No." This wasn't working.[br]This wasn't a partnership.

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And she was afraid.

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She was not being stubborn[br]when she reared;

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she was fearing for her life.

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And so we did go back.

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And I could tell you[br]I had to start all over again

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because I had to be the leader[br]where she found comfort and support.

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Because if I were fearful,[br]she could feel that fear

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through the layers of leather[br]of a western saddle.

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And if I, the rider,[br]the person in charge, was afraid,

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what hope did she as a prey animal have?

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I had to remember a lesson that I learned[br]when I - for being an academic,

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is that you can't just bull[br]your way through things.

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You have to learn how to problem-solve.

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But, for some reason,[br]I hadn't brought that lesson to Sal.

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And so I had to go back.[br]

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I had to become that calm, confident[br]leader that allowed Sal to make mistakes

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and to learn from those mistakes.

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Because horses have[br]really two motivations:

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they do what they think[br]they are supposed to do,

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or they do what they need[br]to do to survive.

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And I had to move us[br]out of a survival mode

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because nobody can learn then,

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and move us into a learning mode.

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Now, it's been almost three years[br]to the day that that happened.

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And Sal and I are very different.

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We did go back, and we moved forward[br]with such speed this time

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that I'd never have predicted back then[br]that we would ever make it to here.

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Now, are we perfect? No.

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Sal and I have good days,[br]and we have bad days.

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And I make mistakes all the time.[br]

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But the difference[br]is that now Sal sees me

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as a source of support[br]and comfort for her.

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She sees me as someone[br]who will where good things happen,

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and I can keep the bad things away.

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And to demonstrate,

0:11:47.566,0:11:50.546
let me show you a picture of Sal and me

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that was taken by Al last March.

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This was like last month.

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Now I want you to notice a couple[br]of things about this picture.

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Notice that there is nothing[br]on Sal's face;

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there is no rope, no reins, no bridle.

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Sal is behaving exactly[br]as she chooses to behave.

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And notice that she is choosing.

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Her horse buddies are behind her[br]in the background.

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She is choosing to walk away[br]from them and with me.

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And look at her.

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She is soft; she is willing; she is calm.

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And look at me. I'm really different too.

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I am soft, and I am calm,[br]and I am confident.

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So, perhaps, as you think[br]about your next big negotiation,

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you might be tempted to see[br]if you can borrow Sal

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for a little tune-up in how to negotiate.

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But what might be more,[br]safer for all of us

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is that if you just remember[br]the lessons of Sal and me.

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Focus on solving the problem,[br]not on winning the battle,

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because if you find yourself in a battle,[br]in a power struggle in a negotiation,

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you have already lost.

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And the key to being able to solve[br]problems in a negotiation

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is to understand your counterpart,[br]to know what motivates them,

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what will influence them to move[br]down that path of agreement

0:13:32.529,0:13:34.959
with you, of their own volition.

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Remember there is no command[br]and control in negotiation;

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I can't force you to say "Yes."

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And remember that that works[br]for your counterparts,

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whether they are human or horse.

0:13:49.480,0:13:51.094
And goals are important;

0:13:51.104,0:13:54.920
you absolutely need to know[br]what a good deal is for you.

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But you also need to have flexibility[br]in how to achieve that goal.

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And for me, this is the lesson[br]that I must learn and relearn

0:14:06.101,0:14:12.381
because too often, I choose a path [br]to my goal because I have chosen it,

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not because it is the right one.

0:14:16.451,0:14:21.591
And in closing, I want to acknowledge[br]the considerable debt I owe

0:14:21.981,0:14:28.822
for becoming a better negotiator[br]and a better human to my partner Sal.

0:14:29.732,0:14:30.791
Thank you.

0:14:30.791,0:14:32.311
(Applause)