What we can do about the culture of hate
-
0:01 - 0:04So people tell me I'm a nice person ...
-
0:06 - 0:10to the point where it's part
of my personal and professional identity -
0:10 - 0:14that I'm so nice
and able to get along with anyone, -
0:14 - 0:18even my most fierce opponents.
-
0:19 - 0:21It's like my "thing,"
it's what I'm known for. -
0:21 - 0:24(Laughter)
-
0:24 - 0:27But what no one knows ...
-
0:29 - 0:31is that I was a bully.
-
0:33 - 0:35Honestly, I didn't think
about it much myself. -
0:35 - 0:39I buried the memories for years,
-
0:39 - 0:42and even still, a lot of it's really hazy.
-
0:42 - 0:45Denial, by the way, apparently
is also one of my things. -
0:45 - 0:46(Laughter)
-
0:46 - 0:49But the more people started to praise me
-
0:49 - 0:51for being a liberal who could
get along with conservatives, -
0:51 - 0:54and the more I wrote articles
about being nice -
0:54 - 0:57and gave talks about being nice,
-
0:57 - 1:01the more I felt this hypocrisy
creeping up inside me. -
1:03 - 1:05What if I was actually really mean?
-
1:08 - 1:11When I was 10 years old,
-
1:12 - 1:15there was a girl in my class
at school named Vicky. -
1:15 - 1:17(Sigh)
-
1:17 - 1:18And I tormented her ...
-
1:20 - 1:21mercilessly.
-
1:23 - 1:25I mean, everyone did.
-
1:25 - 1:26Even the teachers picked on her.
-
1:28 - 1:30It doesn't make it any better, does it?
-
1:31 - 1:34Vicky was clearly a troubled kid.
-
1:34 - 1:37She would hit herself
and give herself bloody noses -
1:37 - 1:38and she had hygiene problems --
-
1:38 - 1:40she had big hygiene problems.
-
1:41 - 1:43But instead of helping this girl,
-
1:43 - 1:46who was plainly suffering
from hardships in her life ... -
1:48 - 1:50we called her "Sticky Vicky."
-
1:52 - 1:54I called her "Sticky Vicky."
-
1:57 - 2:01My clearest memory
is standing in the empty hallway -
2:01 - 2:03outside the fifth grade classrooms
-
2:03 - 2:06waiting for Vicky
to come out of the bathroom, -
2:06 - 2:09and I have a clipboard and a pen
and a survey I've made up, -
2:09 - 2:11asking about shampoo preferences,
-
2:11 - 2:14like I'm doing a study
for science class or something. -
2:14 - 2:16And when Vicky comes out of the bathroom,
-
2:16 - 2:19I pounce on her and I ask her
what shampoo she uses. -
2:19 - 2:21Now, to put this in perspective,
-
2:21 - 2:23I can't remember the names of my teachers,
-
2:23 - 2:27I can't remember the names
of any of the books I read that year, -
2:27 - 2:29I pretty much can't remember
anything from fifth grade, -
2:29 - 2:32but I remember that Vicky told me
she used White Rain shampoo. -
2:33 - 2:34Clear as yesterday,
-
2:34 - 2:36like it just happened.
-
2:37 - 2:38And as classes let out,
-
2:38 - 2:41I ran down the hall shouting
at all the other kids, -
2:41 - 2:43"Sticky Vicky uses White Rain shampoo.
-
2:43 - 2:45Don't use White Rain shampoo
-
2:45 - 2:48or you'll smell like Sticky Vicky."
-
2:51 - 2:53I forgot about this memory
for a long time. -
2:53 - 2:55When I finally started remembering it,
-
2:55 - 2:56I immediately needed to know more.
-
2:56 - 2:59I reached out to friends
and eventually social media, -
2:59 - 3:01and I did everything I could
to try to find Vicky. -
3:01 - 3:04I needed to know that she was OK,
-
3:04 - 3:06and that I hadn't ruined her life.
-
3:07 - 3:09(Sigh)
-
3:09 - 3:10But what I quickly realized
-
3:10 - 3:13was I wasn't just trying to figure out
what happened to Vicky. -
3:13 - 3:16I was trying to figure out
what happened to me. -
3:18 - 3:19When I was 10 years old,
-
3:19 - 3:24I treated another human being
like some worthless other ... -
3:25 - 3:26like I was better than her,
-
3:27 - 3:29and she was garbage.
-
3:30 - 3:32What kind of a nice person does that?
-
3:33 - 3:34I mean, I know I was only a kid,
-
3:34 - 3:36but not all kids do that.
-
3:36 - 3:38Most kids don't do that, right?
-
3:39 - 3:42So, what if I wasn't nice after all?
-
3:42 - 3:44I was really just a hateful monster.
-
3:46 - 3:51Then I started to notice myself
having these mean impulses, -
3:51 - 3:53thinking mean thoughts
-
3:53 - 3:54and wanting to say them.
-
3:56 - 3:59Admittedly, most of my mean thoughts
were about conservatives. -
3:59 - 4:04(Laughter)
-
4:04 - 4:05But not just conservatives.
-
4:05 - 4:09I also caught myself thinking mean things
about mushy, centrist liberals -
4:10 - 4:11and greedy Wall Street bankers
-
4:11 - 4:13and Islamophobes
-
4:13 - 4:14and slow drivers,
-
4:14 - 4:17because I really hate slow drivers.
-
4:17 - 4:19(Laughter)
-
4:19 - 4:22And as I'd catch myself
in these moments of hypocrisy, -
4:22 - 4:26either I was just noticing them
or they were getting worse, -
4:26 - 4:28especially in the last few years.
-
4:28 - 4:30And as I felt more hateful --
-
4:30 - 4:33rageful, really --
-
4:33 - 4:36I noticed the world around me
seemed to be getting more hateful, too. -
4:36 - 4:38Like there was this steady
undercurrent of hate -
4:38 - 4:41bubbling up all around us
-
4:41 - 4:42and increasingly overflowing.
-
4:44 - 4:46So the plus side, I guess,
-
4:46 - 4:52is that I realized that hate
was not just my problem, -
4:52 - 4:55which is like, the most
selfish plus side ever -- -
4:55 - 4:56(Laughter)
-
4:57 - 5:02because now instead of just my own hate
and cruelty to try to figure out, -
5:02 - 5:06I had a whole world of hate
I wanted to unravel -
5:06 - 5:08and understand and fix.
-
5:11 - 5:15So I did what all overly intellectual
people do when they have a problem -
5:16 - 5:17that they want to understand,
-
5:17 - 5:18and I wrote a book.
-
5:18 - 5:20(Laughter)
-
5:21 - 5:23I wrote a book about hate.
-
5:23 - 5:25Spoiler alert:
-
5:25 - 5:27I'm against it.
-
5:27 - 5:29(Laughter)
-
5:29 - 5:32Now at this point,
you might be thinking to yourself, -
5:32 - 5:34"Why are y'all worried about hate?
-
5:34 - 5:35You didn't hate Vicky.
-
5:35 - 5:37Bullying isn't hate."
-
5:38 - 5:40Isn't it?
-
5:41 - 5:43Gordon Allport,
-
5:43 - 5:47the psychologist who pioneered
the study of hate in the early 1900s, -
5:47 - 5:49developed what he called
a "scale of prejudice." -
5:49 - 5:55At one end are things like genocide
and other bias-motivated violence. -
5:55 - 5:57But at the other end
-
5:57 - 6:00are things like believing
that your in-group -
6:00 - 6:03is inherently superior to some out-group,
-
6:03 - 6:08or avoiding social interaction
with those others. -
6:10 - 6:11Isn't that all hate?
-
6:12 - 6:14I mean, it wasn't an accident
-
6:14 - 6:17that I was a rich kid
picking on a poor kid, -
6:19 - 6:23or that Vicky, it turns out,
would eventually end up being gay. -
6:25 - 6:29Poor kids and gay kids
are more likely to be bullied, -
6:29 - 6:32even by kids who also end up being gay.
-
6:34 - 6:37I know there was a lot going on
in my little 10-year-old mind. -
6:37 - 6:40I'm not saying hate was the only
reason I picked on Vicky -
6:40 - 6:43or even that I was consciously
hateful or anything, -
6:43 - 6:44but the fact is,
-
6:44 - 6:49the people we discriminate against
in our public policies and in our culture -
6:49 - 6:54are also the groups of people
most likely to be bullied in school. -
6:56 - 6:58That is not just a coincidence.
-
7:00 - 7:01That's hate.
-
7:04 - 7:06I am defining hate in a broad way
-
7:07 - 7:10because I think we have a big problem.
-
7:11 - 7:15And we need to solve all of it,
not just the most extremes. -
7:15 - 7:16So for instance,
-
7:16 - 7:19we probably all agree
that marching down the street, -
7:19 - 7:22chanting about you should take away
rights from some group of people -
7:22 - 7:24because of their skin color
or their gender, -
7:24 - 7:26we'd all agree that's hate, right? OK.
-
7:28 - 7:31What if you believe
that group of people is inferior, -
7:33 - 7:34but you don't say it?
-
7:36 - 7:37Is that hate?
-
7:38 - 7:41Or what if you believe
that group of people is inferior -
7:41 - 7:44but you aren't aware
that you believe it -- -
7:44 - 7:45what's known as implicit bias.
-
7:46 - 7:47Is that hate?
-
7:48 - 7:50I mean they all have
the same roots, don't they? -
7:50 - 7:53In the historic patterns
of racism and sexism -
7:53 - 7:56that have shaped our history
and still infect our society today. -
7:56 - 7:58Isn't it all hate?
-
7:59 - 8:01I'm not saying they're the same thing,
-
8:01 - 8:03just like I am not saying
-
8:03 - 8:06that being a bully
is as bad as being a Nazi, -
8:06 - 8:10just like I'm not saying that being a Nazi
is the same thing as punching a Nazi ... -
8:11 - 8:16(Laughter)
-
8:16 - 8:20But hating a Nazi is still hate, right?
-
8:21 - 8:24What about hating someone
who isn't as enlightened as you? -
8:25 - 8:27See, what I learned
-
8:29 - 8:31is that we all are against hate
-
8:31 - 8:33and we all think hate is a problem.
-
8:34 - 8:36We think it's their problem,
-
8:37 - 8:38not our problem.
-
8:39 - 8:40They're hateful.
-
8:41 - 8:43I mean, if I think the people
who didn't vote like me -
8:43 - 8:47are stupid racist monsters who don't
deserve to call themselves Americans, -
8:47 - 8:48alright, fine, I'm not being nice,
-
8:48 - 8:50I get it.
-
8:50 - 8:51(Laughter)
-
8:51 - 8:54I'm not hateful, I'm just right, right?
-
8:54 - 8:56(Laughter)
-
8:56 - 8:57Wrong.
-
8:59 - 9:02We all hate.
-
9:03 - 9:07And I do not mean that
in some abstract, generic sense. -
9:07 - 9:09I mean all of us ...
-
9:11 - 9:12me and you.
-
9:14 - 9:19That sanctimonious pedestal of superiority
on which we all place ourselves, -
9:19 - 9:22that they are hateful and we are not,
-
9:22 - 9:26is a manifestation
of the essential root of hate: -
9:26 - 9:30that we are fundamentally good
and they are not, -
9:31 - 9:33which is what needs to change.
-
9:34 - 9:38So in trying to understand and solve hate,
-
9:38 - 9:41I read every book
and every research study I could find, -
9:41 - 9:45but I also went and talked
to some former Nazis -
9:45 - 9:46and some former terrorists
-
9:46 - 9:49and some former genocidal killers,
-
9:49 - 9:53because I figured if they could
figure out how to escape hate, -
9:53 - 9:55surely the rest of us could.
-
9:56 - 10:00Let me give you just one example
of the former terrorist I spent time with -
10:00 - 10:01in the West Bank.
-
10:02 - 10:05When Bassam Aramin was 16 years old,
-
10:06 - 10:10he tried to blow up an Israeli
military convoy with a grenade. -
10:12 - 10:14He failed, fortunately,
-
10:14 - 10:17but he was still sentenced
to seven years in prison. -
10:17 - 10:20When he was in prison,
they showed a film about the Holocaust. -
10:20 - 10:21Up until that point,
-
10:21 - 10:24Bassam had thought the Holocaust
was mostly a myth. -
10:24 - 10:26He went to go watch the film
-
10:26 - 10:29because he thought he would enjoy
seeing Jews get killed. -
10:30 - 10:34But when he saw what really happened,
he broke down crying. -
10:36 - 10:37And eventually, after prison,
-
10:37 - 10:41Bassam went on to get
a master's degree in Holocaust studies -
10:41 - 10:45and he founded an organization
where former Palestinian combatants -
10:45 - 10:47and Israeli combatants come together,
-
10:48 - 10:51work together, try to find common ground.
-
10:52 - 10:56By his own account,
Bassam used to hate Israelis, -
10:57 - 11:00but through knowing Israelis
and learning their stories -
11:00 - 11:02and working together for peace,
-
11:02 - 11:04he overcame his hate.
-
11:06 - 11:09Bassam says he still
doesn't hate Israelis, -
11:10 - 11:12even after the Israeli military --
-
11:13 - 11:16shot and killed his [10]-year-old
daughter, Abir, -
11:16 - 11:17while she was walking to school.
-
11:20 - 11:22(Sigh)
-
11:22 - 11:25Bassam even forgave the soldier
who killed his daughter. -
11:26 - 11:28That soldier, he taught me,
-
11:30 - 11:34was just a product
of the same hateful system as he was. -
11:40 - 11:42If a former terrorist ...
-
11:44 - 11:48if a terrorist can learn to stop hating
-
11:48 - 11:51and still not hate
when their child is killed, -
11:51 - 11:55surely the rest of us can stop our habits
-
11:55 - 11:57of demeaning and dehumanizing each other.
-
11:57 - 12:01And I will tell you there are stories
like Bassam's all over the world, -
12:01 - 12:03plus study after study after study
-
12:03 - 12:08that says, no, we are neither designed
nor destined as human beings to hate, -
12:08 - 12:11but rather taught to hate
by the world around us. -
12:11 - 12:13I promise you,
-
12:13 - 12:16none of us pops out of the womb
hating black people or Republicans. -
12:16 - 12:21There is nothing in our DNA
that makes us hate Muslims or Mexicans. -
12:22 - 12:23For better or for worse,
-
12:23 - 12:26we are all a product
of the culture around us. -
12:28 - 12:30And the good news is,
-
12:30 - 12:33we're also the ones
who shape that culture, -
12:34 - 12:36which means we can change it.
-
12:37 - 12:42The first step is starting to recognize
the hate inside ourselves. -
12:42 - 12:44We need to catch ourselves
-
12:44 - 12:46and our hateful thoughts
in all their forms -
12:46 - 12:48in all of us ...
-
12:50 - 12:52and work to challenge
our ideas and assumptions. -
12:52 - 12:53That doesn't happen overnight,
-
12:53 - 12:55I am telling you right here,
-
12:55 - 12:58it is a lifelong journey,
but it's one we all need to take. -
12:58 - 13:00And then second:
-
13:00 - 13:03if we want to challenge
the hate in our societies, -
13:03 - 13:07we need to promote policies
and institutions and practices -
13:07 - 13:10that connect us as communities.
-
13:10 - 13:13Literally, like integrated
neighborhoods and schools. -
13:13 - 13:16That by the way is the reason
to support integration. -
13:16 - 13:18Not just because
it's the right thing to do, -
13:18 - 13:22but because integration
systematically combats hate. -
13:22 - 13:24There are studies
that teenagers who participate -
13:24 - 13:28in racially integrated classes
and activities reduce their racial bias. -
13:28 - 13:32And when little kids go to racially
integrated kindergartens -
13:32 - 13:34and elementary schools --
-
13:34 - 13:36they develop less bias to begin with.
-
13:37 - 13:41But the fact is in so many ways
and in so many places around our world, -
13:41 - 13:43we are separated from each other.
-
13:45 - 13:47In the United States, for instance,
-
13:47 - 13:51three-quarters of white people
don't have any non-white friends. -
13:53 - 13:57So in addition to promoting
those proactive solutions, -
13:57 - 14:01the other thing we need to do
is upend the hate in our institutions -
14:01 - 14:02and our policies
-
14:02 - 14:07that perpetuate dehumanization
and difference -
14:07 - 14:09and otherizing and hate,
-
14:09 - 14:15like systems of sexual harassment
and sexual assault in the workplace, -
14:15 - 14:19or our deeply racially imbalanced
-
14:19 - 14:22and deeply racially biased
criminal "justice" system. -
14:23 - 14:24We need to change that.
-
14:24 - 14:26Again, it will not happen overnight.
-
14:26 - 14:28It needs to happen.
-
14:30 - 14:31And then ...
-
14:32 - 14:34when we connect together
-
14:35 - 14:38in these connection spaces,
-
14:39 - 14:41facilitated by connection systems,
-
14:43 - 14:45we need to change the way
we talk to each other -
14:47 - 14:48and connect with one another
-
14:48 - 14:54and relate with generosity
and open-mindedness -
14:54 - 14:55and kindness and compassion
-
14:55 - 14:56and not hate.
-
14:58 - 14:59And that's it.
-
14:59 - 15:00That's it.
-
15:00 - 15:05(Applause)
-
15:05 - 15:07I have solved it all, right?
-
15:07 - 15:08That's it.
-
15:08 - 15:09That is pretty much --
-
15:09 - 15:10there's a few details --
-
15:10 - 15:12but that's pretty much all we have to do.
-
15:12 - 15:14It's not that complicated, right?
-
15:16 - 15:17But it's hard.
-
15:18 - 15:23The hate that we feel
towards certain groups of people -
15:24 - 15:27because of who they are
or what they believe -
15:27 - 15:30is so ingrained in our minds
and in our society -
15:30 - 15:32that it can feel inevitable
-
15:33 - 15:34and impossible to change.
-
15:37 - 15:39Change is possible.
-
15:41 - 15:46Just look at the terrorist
who became a peace activist. -
15:47 - 15:53Or look at the bully who learned
to apologize to her victim. -
15:55 - 16:00The entire time I was traveling
around the Middle East and Rwanda -
16:01 - 16:02and across the United States,
-
16:02 - 16:06hearing these unbelievable stories
of people in communities -
16:06 - 16:09who had left entire histories
of hate behind, -
16:09 - 16:10I was still looking for Vicky.
-
16:11 - 16:14It was so hard find her that I hired
a private investigator -
16:14 - 16:15and he found her.
-
16:15 - 16:17I mean, he sort of found her.
-
16:17 - 16:22The truth is, it became clear
that the person I'm calling Vicky -
16:22 - 16:26had gone to extraordinary lengths
to hide her identity. -
16:29 - 16:32But anyway, a year after
I began my journey, -
16:35 - 16:36I wrote Vicky an apology.
-
16:38 - 16:39And a few months later,
-
16:41 - 16:42she wrote back.
-
16:43 - 16:45(Sigh)
-
16:45 - 16:47I'm not going to lie,
-
16:47 - 16:49I wanted to be forgiven.
-
16:53 - 16:54I wasn't.
-
16:54 - 16:55(Sigh)
-
16:56 - 16:59She offered me sort of
conditional forgiveness. -
16:59 - 17:00What she wrote was ...
-
17:01 - 17:06"Messages such as yours
cannot absolve you of your past actions. -
17:07 - 17:10The only way to do that
is to improve the world, -
17:10 - 17:13prevent others
from behaving in similar ways -
17:14 - 17:16and foster compassion."
-
17:18 - 17:19And Vicky's right.
-
17:22 - 17:23Which is why I'm here.
-
17:24 - 17:25Thank you.
-
17:25 - 17:32(Applause)
- Title:
- What we can do about the culture of hate
- Speaker:
- Sally Kohn
- Description:
-
We're all against hate, right? We agree it's a problem -- their problem, not our problem, that is. But as Sally Kohn discovered, we all hate -- some of us in subtle ways, others in obvious ones. As she confronts a hard story from her own life, she shares ideas on how we can recognize, challenge and heal from hatred in our institutions and in ourselves.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 17:46
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Krystian Aparta accepted English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What we can do about the culture of hate |