0:00:00.951,0:00:03.952
So people tell me I'm a nice person ...

0:00:06.020,0:00:10.063
to the point where it's part[br]of my personal and professional identity

0:00:10.087,0:00:14.426
that I'm so nice[br]and able to get along with anyone,

0:00:14.450,0:00:17.684
even my most fierce opponents.

0:00:18.837,0:00:21.047
It's like my "thing,"[br]it's what I'm known for.

0:00:21.071,0:00:24.037
(Laughter)

0:00:24.061,0:00:26.997
But what no one knows ...

0:00:29.063,0:00:30.586
is that I was a bully.

0:00:32.709,0:00:35.121
Honestly, I didn't think[br]about it much myself.

0:00:35.145,0:00:38.623
I buried the memories for years,

0:00:38.647,0:00:42.179
and even still, a lot of it's really hazy.

0:00:42.203,0:00:44.846
Denial, by the way, apparently[br]is also one of my things.

0:00:44.870,0:00:46.099
(Laughter)

0:00:46.123,0:00:48.679
But the more people started to praise me

0:00:48.703,0:00:51.466
for being a liberal who could[br]get along with conservatives,

0:00:51.490,0:00:53.641
and the more I wrote articles[br]about being nice

0:00:53.665,0:00:56.689
and gave talks about being nice,

0:00:56.713,0:01:00.868
the more I felt this hypocrisy[br]creeping up inside me.

0:01:02.865,0:01:04.690
What if I was actually really mean?

0:01:07.877,0:01:10.614
When I was 10 years old,

0:01:12.155,0:01:15.175
there was a girl in my class[br]at school named Vicky.

0:01:15.199,0:01:16.648
(Sigh)

0:01:16.672,0:01:18.218
And I tormented her ...

0:01:20.330,0:01:21.480
mercilessly.

0:01:23.359,0:01:24.750
I mean, everyone did.

0:01:24.774,0:01:26.358
Even the teachers picked on her.

0:01:27.769,0:01:29.666
It doesn't make it any better, does it?

0:01:30.975,0:01:34.318
Vicky was clearly a troubled kid.

0:01:34.342,0:01:36.884
She would hit herself[br]and give herself bloody noses

0:01:36.908,0:01:38.425
and she had hygiene problems --

0:01:38.449,0:01:40.310
she had big hygiene problems.

0:01:41.193,0:01:43.338
But instead of helping this girl,

0:01:43.362,0:01:46.495
who was plainly suffering[br]from hardships in her life ...

0:01:47.889,0:01:49.809
we called her "Sticky Vicky."

0:01:51.821,0:01:53.571
I called her "Sticky Vicky."

0:01:56.634,0:02:00.993
My clearest memory[br]is standing in the empty hallway

0:02:01.017,0:02:02.947
outside the fifth grade classrooms

0:02:02.971,0:02:05.771
waiting for Vicky[br]to come out of the bathroom,

0:02:05.795,0:02:08.986
and I have a clipboard and a pen[br]and a survey I've made up,

0:02:09.010,0:02:10.776
asking about shampoo preferences,

0:02:10.800,0:02:13.915
like I'm doing a study[br]for science class or something.

0:02:13.939,0:02:16.340
And when Vicky comes out of the bathroom,

0:02:16.364,0:02:19.174
I pounce on her and I ask her[br]what shampoo she uses.

0:02:19.198,0:02:21.404
Now, to put this in perspective,

0:02:21.428,0:02:23.471
I can't remember the names of my teachers,

0:02:23.495,0:02:26.512
I can't remember the names[br]of any of the books I read that year,

0:02:26.536,0:02:29.108
I pretty much can't remember[br]anything from fifth grade,

0:02:29.132,0:02:32.079
but I remember that Vicky told me[br]she used White Rain shampoo.

0:02:33.285,0:02:34.466
Clear as yesterday,

0:02:34.490,0:02:35.640
like it just happened.

0:02:36.775,0:02:37.925
And as classes let out,

0:02:37.949,0:02:40.728
I ran down the hall shouting[br]at all the other kids,

0:02:40.752,0:02:43.109
"Sticky Vicky uses White Rain shampoo.

0:02:43.133,0:02:45.004
Don't use White Rain shampoo

0:02:45.028,0:02:48.185
or you'll smell like Sticky Vicky."

0:02:50.641,0:02:52.642
I forgot about this memory[br]for a long time.

0:02:52.666,0:02:54.506
When I finally started remembering it,

0:02:54.530,0:02:56.151
I immediately needed to know more.

0:02:56.175,0:02:58.667
I reached out to friends[br]and eventually social media,

0:02:58.691,0:03:01.026
and I did everything I could[br]to try to find Vicky.

0:03:01.050,0:03:03.852
I needed to know that she was OK,

0:03:03.876,0:03:05.546
and that I hadn't ruined her life.

0:03:07.471,0:03:08.510
(Sigh)

0:03:08.534,0:03:10.054
But what I quickly realized

0:03:10.078,0:03:13.030
was I wasn't just trying to figure out[br]what happened to Vicky.

0:03:13.369,0:03:15.656
I was trying to figure out[br]what happened to me.

0:03:17.802,0:03:19.096
When I was 10 years old,

0:03:19.120,0:03:23.889
I treated another human being[br]like some worthless other ...

0:03:24.820,0:03:26.296
like I was better than her,

0:03:27.349,0:03:28.568
and she was garbage.

0:03:30.076,0:03:31.906
What kind of a nice person does that?

0:03:32.578,0:03:34.189
I mean, I know I was only a kid,

0:03:34.213,0:03:35.695
but not all kids do that.

0:03:35.719,0:03:37.968
Most kids don't do that, right?

0:03:39.168,0:03:41.537
So, what if I wasn't nice after all?

0:03:41.561,0:03:44.378
I was really just a hateful monster.

0:03:45.914,0:03:50.806
Then I started to notice myself[br]having these mean impulses,

0:03:50.830,0:03:52.676
thinking mean thoughts

0:03:52.700,0:03:53.916
and wanting to say them.

0:03:56.026,0:03:59.195
Admittedly, most of my mean thoughts[br]were about conservatives.

0:03:59.219,0:04:04.009
(Laughter)

0:04:04.033,0:04:05.361
But not just conservatives.

0:04:05.385,0:04:09.486
I also caught myself thinking mean things[br]about mushy, centrist liberals

0:04:09.510,0:04:11.388
and greedy Wall Street bankers

0:04:11.412,0:04:12.870
and Islamophobes

0:04:12.894,0:04:14.368
and slow drivers,

0:04:14.392,0:04:16.677
because I really hate slow drivers.

0:04:16.701,0:04:19.220
(Laughter)

0:04:19.244,0:04:22.244
And as I'd catch myself[br]in these moments of hypocrisy,

0:04:22.268,0:04:25.967
either I was just noticing them[br]or they were getting worse,

0:04:25.991,0:04:27.574
especially in the last few years.

0:04:28.149,0:04:30.274
And as I felt more hateful --

0:04:30.298,0:04:32.586
rageful, really --

0:04:32.610,0:04:35.850
I noticed the world around me[br]seemed to be getting more hateful, too.

0:04:35.874,0:04:38.428
Like there was this steady[br]undercurrent of hate

0:04:38.452,0:04:40.557
bubbling up all around us

0:04:40.581,0:04:42.288
and increasingly overflowing.

0:04:43.973,0:04:46.461
So the plus side, I guess,

0:04:46.485,0:04:51.703
is that I realized that hate[br]was not just my problem,

0:04:51.727,0:04:54.822
which is like, the most[br]selfish plus side ever --

0:04:54.846,0:04:56.373
(Laughter)

0:04:56.813,0:05:02.329
because now instead of just my own hate[br]and cruelty to try to figure out,

0:05:02.353,0:05:06.334
I had a whole world of hate[br]I wanted to unravel

0:05:06.358,0:05:08.413
and understand and fix.

0:05:10.506,0:05:15.483
So I did what all overly intellectual[br]people do when they have a problem

0:05:15.507,0:05:17.054
that they want to understand,

0:05:17.078,0:05:18.229
and I wrote a book.

0:05:18.253,0:05:20.434
(Laughter)

0:05:21.026,0:05:22.919
I wrote a book about hate.

0:05:23.407,0:05:24.557
Spoiler alert:

0:05:25.443,0:05:26.594
I'm against it.

0:05:26.618,0:05:29.395
(Laughter)

0:05:29.419,0:05:32.001
Now at this point,[br]you might be thinking to yourself,

0:05:32.025,0:05:33.825
"Why are y'all worried about hate?

0:05:33.849,0:05:35.000
You didn't hate Vicky.

0:05:35.024,0:05:36.800
Bullying isn't hate."

0:05:38.474,0:05:39.624
Isn't it?

0:05:41.267,0:05:42.576
Gordon Allport,

0:05:42.600,0:05:46.822
the psychologist who pioneered[br]the study of hate in the early 1900s,

0:05:46.846,0:05:49.339
developed what he called[br]a "scale of prejudice."

0:05:49.363,0:05:55.085
At one end are things like genocide[br]and other bias-motivated violence.

0:05:55.109,0:05:56.641
But at the other end

0:05:56.665,0:05:59.830
are things like believing[br]that your in-group

0:05:59.854,0:06:03.450
is inherently superior to some out-group,

0:06:03.474,0:06:08.237
or avoiding social interaction[br]with those others.

0:06:09.583,0:06:10.789
Isn't that all hate?

0:06:12.186,0:06:13.997
I mean, it wasn't an accident

0:06:14.021,0:06:17.187
that I was a rich kid[br]picking on a poor kid,

0:06:18.982,0:06:23.212
or that Vicky, it turns out,[br]would eventually end up being gay.

0:06:24.861,0:06:28.954
Poor kids and gay kids[br]are more likely to be bullied,

0:06:28.978,0:06:32.263
even by kids who also end up being gay.

0:06:33.988,0:06:36.894
I know there was a lot going on[br]in my little 10-year-old mind.

0:06:36.918,0:06:39.586
I'm not saying hate was the only[br]reason I picked on Vicky

0:06:39.610,0:06:42.584
or even that I was consciously[br]hateful or anything,

0:06:42.608,0:06:44.436
but the fact is,

0:06:44.460,0:06:49.405
the people we discriminate against[br]in our public policies and in our culture

0:06:49.429,0:06:54.008
are also the groups of people[br]most likely to be bullied in school.

0:06:55.984,0:06:57.666
That is not just a coincidence.

0:06:59.799,0:07:01.190
That's hate.

0:07:03.554,0:07:05.925
I am defining hate in a broad way

0:07:07.451,0:07:10.340
because I think we have a big problem.

0:07:11.214,0:07:14.873
And we need to solve all of it,[br]not just the most extremes.

0:07:14.897,0:07:16.148
So for instance,

0:07:16.172,0:07:18.736
we probably all agree[br]that marching down the street,

0:07:18.760,0:07:22.038
chanting about you should take away[br]rights from some group of people

0:07:22.062,0:07:24.112
because of their skin color[br]or their gender,

0:07:24.136,0:07:26.085
we'd all agree that's hate, right? OK.

0:07:27.594,0:07:31.387
What if you believe[br]that group of people is inferior,

0:07:32.771,0:07:33.981
but you don't say it?

0:07:35.546,0:07:36.696
Is that hate?

0:07:37.780,0:07:41.400
Or what if you believe[br]that group of people is inferior

0:07:41.424,0:07:43.694
but you aren't aware[br]that you believe it --

0:07:43.718,0:07:45.304
what's known as implicit bias.

0:07:45.990,0:07:47.140
Is that hate?

0:07:47.918,0:07:50.157
I mean they all have[br]the same roots, don't they?

0:07:50.181,0:07:53.195
In the historic patterns[br]of racism and sexism

0:07:53.219,0:07:56.303
that have shaped our history[br]and still infect our society today.

0:07:56.327,0:07:57.808
Isn't it all hate?

0:07:58.573,0:08:01.066
I'm not saying they're the same thing,

0:08:01.090,0:08:03.416
just like I am not saying

0:08:03.440,0:08:06.194
that being a bully[br]is as bad as being a Nazi,

0:08:06.218,0:08:10.162
just like I'm not saying that being a Nazi[br]is the same thing as punching a Nazi ...

0:08:10.636,0:08:16.335
(Laughter)

0:08:16.359,0:08:20.353
But hating a Nazi is still hate, right?

0:08:21.294,0:08:24.010
What about hating someone[br]who isn't as enlightened as you?

0:08:25.231,0:08:27.302
See, what I learned

0:08:28.533,0:08:31.073
is that we all are against hate

0:08:31.097,0:08:33.104
and we all think hate is a problem.

0:08:33.929,0:08:35.668
We think it's their problem,

0:08:36.550,0:08:37.993
not our problem.

0:08:38.824,0:08:40.126
They're hateful.

0:08:40.690,0:08:43.219
I mean, if I think the people[br]who didn't vote like me

0:08:43.243,0:08:46.720
are stupid racist monsters who don't[br]deserve to call themselves Americans,

0:08:46.744,0:08:48.423
alright, fine, I'm not being nice,

0:08:48.447,0:08:49.694
I get it.

0:08:49.718,0:08:51.115
(Laughter)

0:08:51.139,0:08:54.409
I'm not hateful, I'm just right, right?

0:08:54.433,0:08:56.116
(Laughter)

0:08:56.140,0:08:57.290
Wrong.

0:08:59.346,0:09:01.695
We all hate.

0:09:02.568,0:09:06.818
And I do not mean that[br]in some abstract, generic sense.

0:09:06.842,0:09:09.043
I mean all of us ...

0:09:10.571,0:09:12.111
me and you.

0:09:13.684,0:09:18.929
That sanctimonious pedestal of superiority[br]on which we all place ourselves,

0:09:18.953,0:09:22.280
that they are hateful and we are not,

0:09:22.304,0:09:26.178
is a manifestation[br]of the essential root of hate:

0:09:26.202,0:09:29.731
that we are fundamentally good[br]and they are not,

0:09:31.106,0:09:32.695
which is what needs to change.

0:09:33.968,0:09:37.725
So in trying to understand and solve hate,

0:09:37.749,0:09:40.667
I read every book[br]and every research study I could find,

0:09:40.691,0:09:44.857
but I also went and talked[br]to some former Nazis

0:09:44.881,0:09:46.390
and some former terrorists

0:09:46.414,0:09:49.026
and some former genocidal killers,

0:09:49.050,0:09:53.234
because I figured if they could[br]figure out how to escape hate,

0:09:53.258,0:09:54.688
surely the rest of us could.

0:09:55.617,0:09:59.804
Let me give you just one example[br]of the former terrorist I spent time with

0:09:59.828,0:10:01.076
in the West Bank.

0:10:01.719,0:10:04.569
When Bassam Aramin was 16 years old,

0:10:05.692,0:10:10.017
he tried to blow up an Israeli[br]military convoy with a grenade.

0:10:11.828,0:10:14.202
He failed, fortunately,

0:10:14.226,0:10:16.656
but he was still sentenced[br]to seven years in prison.

0:10:16.680,0:10:19.617
When he was in prison,[br]they showed a film about the Holocaust.

0:10:19.641,0:10:20.792
Up until that point,

0:10:20.816,0:10:23.685
Bassam had thought the Holocaust[br]was mostly a myth.

0:10:23.709,0:10:25.509
He went to go watch the film

0:10:25.533,0:10:28.619
because he thought he would enjoy[br]seeing Jews get killed.

0:10:30.424,0:10:34.187
But when he saw what really happened,[br]he broke down crying.

0:10:35.691,0:10:37.117
And eventually, after prison,

0:10:37.141,0:10:40.502
Bassam went on to get[br]a master's degree in Holocaust studies

0:10:40.526,0:10:44.557
and he founded an organization[br]where former Palestinian combatants

0:10:44.581,0:10:46.962
and Israeli combatants come together,

0:10:47.963,0:10:50.623
work together, try to find common ground.

0:10:52.287,0:10:55.779
By his own account,[br]Bassam used to hate Israelis,

0:10:57.304,0:11:00.456
but through knowing Israelis[br]and learning their stories

0:11:00.480,0:11:02.265
and working together for peace,

0:11:02.289,0:11:03.551
he overcame his hate.

0:11:05.654,0:11:09.189
Bassam says he still[br]doesn't hate Israelis,

0:11:10.183,0:11:11.952
even after the Israeli military --

0:11:13.232,0:11:15.618
shot and killed his [10]-year-old[br]daughter, Abir,

0:11:15.642,0:11:17.342
while she was walking to school.

0:11:20.021,0:11:22.028
(Sigh)

0:11:22.339,0:11:25.102
Bassam even forgave the soldier[br]who killed his daughter.

0:11:26.339,0:11:28.100
That soldier, he taught me,

0:11:29.998,0:11:34.220
was just a product[br]of the same hateful system as he was.

0:11:39.515,0:11:41.727
If a former terrorist ...

0:11:44.169,0:11:48.423
if a terrorist can learn to stop hating

0:11:48.447,0:11:50.591
and still not hate[br]when their child is killed,

0:11:50.615,0:11:54.621
surely the rest of us can stop our habits

0:11:54.645,0:11:57.255
of demeaning and dehumanizing each other.

0:11:57.279,0:12:00.613
And I will tell you there are stories[br]like Bassam's all over the world,

0:12:00.637,0:12:02.598
plus study after study after study

0:12:02.622,0:12:07.741
that says, no, we are neither designed[br]nor destined as human beings to hate,

0:12:07.765,0:12:11.385
but rather taught to hate[br]by the world around us.

0:12:11.409,0:12:12.584
I promise you,

0:12:12.608,0:12:16.102
none of us pops out of the womb[br]hating black people or Republicans.

0:12:16.126,0:12:21.015
There is nothing in our DNA[br]that makes us hate Muslims or Mexicans.

0:12:21.513,0:12:22.715
For better or for worse,

0:12:22.739,0:12:26.291
we are all a product[br]of the culture around us.

0:12:27.870,0:12:29.919
And the good news is,

0:12:29.943,0:12:32.687
we're also the ones[br]who shape that culture,

0:12:34.139,0:12:35.731
which means we can change it.

0:12:36.661,0:12:42.061
The first step is starting to recognize[br]the hate inside ourselves.

0:12:42.085,0:12:43.694
We need to catch ourselves

0:12:43.718,0:12:46.200
and our hateful thoughts[br]in all their forms

0:12:46.224,0:12:47.987
in all of us ...

0:12:49.556,0:12:51.924
and work to challenge[br]our ideas and assumptions.

0:12:51.948,0:12:53.394
That doesn't happen overnight,

0:12:53.418,0:12:54.773
I am telling you right here,

0:12:54.797,0:12:57.701
it is a lifelong journey,[br]but it's one we all need to take.

0:12:58.367,0:12:59.542
And then second:

0:12:59.566,0:13:02.947
if we want to challenge[br]the hate in our societies,

0:13:02.971,0:13:06.916
we need to promote policies[br]and institutions and practices

0:13:06.940,0:13:09.669
that connect us as communities.

0:13:10.295,0:13:13.365
Literally, like integrated[br]neighborhoods and schools.

0:13:13.389,0:13:15.867
That by the way is the reason[br]to support integration.

0:13:15.891,0:13:18.144
Not just because[br]it's the right thing to do,

0:13:18.168,0:13:21.593
but because integration[br]systematically combats hate.

0:13:21.617,0:13:23.951
There are studies[br]that teenagers who participate

0:13:23.975,0:13:28.162
in racially integrated classes[br]and activities reduce their racial bias.

0:13:28.186,0:13:31.556
And when little kids go to racially[br]integrated kindergartens

0:13:31.580,0:13:33.700
and elementary schools --

0:13:33.724,0:13:35.525
they develop less bias to begin with.

0:13:36.672,0:13:40.593
But the fact is in so many ways[br]and in so many places around our world,

0:13:40.617,0:13:43.388
we are separated from each other.

0:13:44.740,0:13:46.972
In the United States, for instance,

0:13:46.996,0:13:51.439
three-quarters of white people[br]don't have any non-white friends.

0:13:52.683,0:13:56.753
So in addition to promoting[br]those proactive solutions,

0:13:56.777,0:14:00.603
the other thing we need to do[br]is upend the hate in our institutions

0:14:00.627,0:14:02.063
and our policies

0:14:02.087,0:14:06.826
that perpetuate dehumanization[br]and difference

0:14:06.850,0:14:08.778
and otherizing and hate,

0:14:08.802,0:14:14.541
like systems of sexual harassment[br]and sexual assault in the workplace,

0:14:14.565,0:14:18.730
or our deeply racially imbalanced

0:14:18.754,0:14:22.125
and deeply racially biased[br]criminal "justice" system.

0:14:22.814,0:14:24.470
We need to change that.

0:14:24.494,0:14:26.360
Again, it will not happen overnight.

0:14:26.384,0:14:28.334
It needs to happen.

0:14:29.763,0:14:30.913
And then ...

0:14:32.123,0:14:33.615
when we connect together

0:14:34.885,0:14:37.607
in these connection spaces,

0:14:38.518,0:14:41.319
facilitated by connection systems,

0:14:42.591,0:14:45.374
we need to change the way[br]we talk to each other

0:14:46.992,0:14:48.470
and connect with one another

0:14:48.494,0:14:53.843
and relate with generosity[br]and open-mindedness

0:14:53.867,0:14:55.272
and kindness and compassion

0:14:55.296,0:14:56.479
and not hate.

0:14:57.837,0:14:59.252
And that's it.

0:14:59.276,0:15:00.427
That's it.

0:15:00.451,0:15:04.713
(Applause)

0:15:04.737,0:15:06.832
I have solved it all, right?

0:15:06.856,0:15:08.007
That's it.

0:15:08.031,0:15:09.190
That is pretty much --

0:15:09.214,0:15:10.381
there's a few details --

0:15:10.405,0:15:12.359
but that's pretty much all we have to do.

0:15:12.383,0:15:14.106
It's not that complicated, right?

0:15:15.556,0:15:16.843
But it's hard.

0:15:18.279,0:15:22.739
The hate that we feel[br]towards certain groups of people

0:15:23.814,0:15:26.662
because of who they are[br]or what they believe

0:15:26.686,0:15:30.098
is so ingrained in our minds[br]and in our society

0:15:30.122,0:15:31.661
that it can feel inevitable

0:15:33.031,0:15:34.477
and impossible to change.

0:15:37.393,0:15:38.677
Change is possible.

0:15:41.148,0:15:45.735
Just look at the terrorist[br]who became a peace activist.

0:15:47.483,0:15:52.515
Or look at the bully who learned[br]to apologize to her victim.

0:15:55.338,0:16:00.490
The entire time I was traveling[br]around the Middle East and Rwanda

0:16:00.514,0:16:01.897
and across the United States,

0:16:01.921,0:16:06.006
hearing these unbelievable stories[br]of people in communities

0:16:06.030,0:16:08.713
who had left entire histories[br]of hate behind,

0:16:08.737,0:16:10.194
I was still looking for Vicky.

0:16:11.024,0:16:13.810
It was so hard find her that I hired[br]a private investigator

0:16:13.834,0:16:15.272
and he found her.

0:16:15.296,0:16:17.194
I mean, he sort of found her.

0:16:17.218,0:16:21.523
The truth is, it became clear[br]that the person I'm calling Vicky

0:16:21.547,0:16:26.339
had gone to extraordinary lengths[br]to hide her identity.

0:16:28.564,0:16:32.429
But anyway, a year after[br]I began my journey,

0:16:34.556,0:16:36.052
I wrote Vicky an apology.

0:16:38.199,0:16:39.461
And a few months later,

0:16:40.600,0:16:41.750
she wrote back.

0:16:42.667,0:16:44.730
(Sigh)

0:16:45.090,0:16:46.958
I'm not going to lie,

0:16:46.982,0:16:48.684
I wanted to be forgiven.

0:16:53.018,0:16:54.168
I wasn't.

0:16:54.192,0:16:55.342
(Sigh)

0:16:55.815,0:16:58.744
She offered me sort of[br]conditional forgiveness.

0:16:58.768,0:17:00.021
What she wrote was ...

0:17:01.158,0:17:05.825
"Messages such as yours[br]cannot absolve you of your past actions.

0:17:06.914,0:17:10.257
The only way to do that[br]is to improve the world,

0:17:10.281,0:17:12.596
prevent others[br]from behaving in similar ways

0:17:14.093,0:17:15.602
and foster compassion."

0:17:17.880,0:17:19.402
And Vicky's right.

0:17:21.529,0:17:22.879
Which is why I'm here.

0:17:23.601,0:17:24.752
Thank you.

0:17:24.776,0:17:31.776
(Applause)