What to do with a manic depressive, cheating husband?

Thay answers questions, May 2014.

(Half Bell)

(Full Bell)

(tearfully, she asks)
Dear Thay, dear Sangha

I have a friend

She is now in deep pain

She is married to a man

who has a manic-depressive,

a kind of mood disorder.

This man has betrayed her

several times.

He not only slept with women

but he also had a child

which ended up

in abortion.

She is now in despair.

This man refuses to take

any medication

to treat his problem.

He now doesn't know what to do.

I'm sorry, SHE doesn't know what to do.

To end the relationship

and contact another person
to help heal this man

or to stay in the relationship,

hoping that nothing is permanent;

this may come to an end.

Or to stay with the relationship
and accept this man

as he is?

And from this,
I do not know what to say to her.

Is it:
when there is marriage, there is betrayal;

like when there is left, there is right.

(Thay responds)
Where there is betrayal,

there is faithfulness.

We don't know,

we did not know,

and we still don't know
how to water the seed of faithfulness

in that person.

Everyone of us has the seed of betrayal

and the seed of faithfulness.

They are always there as a couple.

The problem is watering.

If you are mindful,

if you are loving,

then you can water

the seed of faithfulness in him or in her

everyday,

and that seed could become very strong

and the other seed
never has the chance to manifest.

So we are, somehow, responsible

to some degree

about the situation.

And we should not blame everything

on the other person.

That is the first thing
you should see.

If you are... if you know the practice

and if you stay fresh,

and loving and compassionate

you have more chance to
persuade him or her to

to follow our way

because our life is a teaching.

The way you speak,

the way you look,
the way you act is full of compassion

and loving kindness.

And you are so pleasant.

And when someone is

compassionate and pleasant

people like to come and sit

close to her.

That is natural.

Like a Linden tree;

people like to come and sit

at the foot of the Linden tree,

because the Linden tree

has the kind of energy

of peace and relaxation.

So if we know the practice

and if we can stay fresh,

compassionate, loving, patient,

we can help transform,
the other person.

And the other person represents

the suffering of the world.

If you help him, you help the whole world.

And if you are not solid enough,
fresh enough,

compassionate enough,

then you should meet a Sangha:

a community of practice

behind you and backing you

in the practice.

You have a resource.

Maybe in the beginning
you have enough peace,

enough patience,

enough compassion,

but because you don't know how to

preserve and nourish these qualities,

and because this situation

is so difficult for you,

so that is why you run out

of these resources.

And you cannot continue
to help him or her.

So that is why a good practitioner

always has a Sangha behind her.

And she can draw
a tremendous source

of mindfulness, compassion,

forgiveness,

in order to be able to continue
helping the world,

especially helping
the other person.

So if you look and see,

you see that the other person suffers,

and does not know the way
out of suffering.

And you who know the way out,

you should be able to show him.

If he has not followed you

(followed your advice)

[it is] because your way of telling him

is not compassionate enough,

skillful enough, fresh enough.

you should be a true Bodhisattva,

full of compassion,
loving-kindness and freshness.

And everyone needs a Bodhisattva

like that.

And the practice of mindfulness is to become

a person like that: a Bodhisattva,

as fresh as Mother Earth.

And you have that example.
Mother Earth,

always forgiving.
Mother Earth

is always patient.

Every time you come back to her,

you get the nourishment,

nourishment and healing that you need.

And you are a daughter of Mother Earth.

You should learn

from Mother Earth how to stay
fresh, forgiving, compassionate.

And then you will not lose hope,

especially when you have a Sangha,

a community of practice, behind you

supporting you and you can draw

a lot of resources from that community.

So continue to practice in order to

nourish your compassion, your freshness,

and then you will suffer less.

Because with compassion in our heart

we suffer very little.

Because compassion has the power to heal,

with compassion we suffer less

and we are strong enough
to help him or help her.

And helping him means to help

yourself first.

And the teaching of the Buddha
is very clear:

if you cannot love yourself,

you cannot love someone else

and help him or her suffer less.

So the answer is clear.

Take care of yourself.

Nourish compassion,

patience, freshness in you.

Take refuge in the Sangha

in order to keep being nourished.

And then you can help him
and help the world.