(Half Bell)
(Full Bell)
(tearfully, she asks) Dear Thay, dear Sangha
I have a friend
She is now in deep pain
She is married to a man
who has a manic-depressive,
a kind of mood disorder.
This man has betrayed her
several times.
He not only slept with women
but he also had a child
which ended up
in abortion.
She is now in despair.
This man refuses to take
any medication
to treat his problem.
He now doesn't know what to do.
I'm sorry, SHE doesn't know what to do.
To end the relationship
and contact another person to help heal this man
or to stay in the relationship,
hoping that nothing is permanent;
this may come to an end.
Or to stay with the relationship and accept this man
as he is?
And from this, I do not know what to say to her.
Is it: when there is marriage, there is betrayal;
like when there is left, there is right.
(Thay responds) Where there is betrayal,
there is faithfulness.
We don't know,
we did not know,
and we still don't know how to water the seed of faithfulness
in that person.
Everyone of us has the seed of betrayal
and the seed of faithfulness.
They are always there as a couple.
The problem is watering.
If you are mindful,
if you are loving,
then you can water
the seed of faithfulness in him or in her
everyday,
and that seed could become very strong
and the other seed never has the chance to manifest.
So we are, somehow, responsible
to some degree
about the situation.
And we should not blame everything
on the other person.
That is the first thing you should see.
If you are... if you know the practice
and if you stay fresh,
and loving and compassionate
you have more chance to persuade him or her to
to follow our way
because our life is a teaching.
The way you speak,
the way you look, the way you act is full of compassion
and loving kindness.
And you are so pleasant.
And when someone is
compassionate and pleasant
people like to come and sit
close to her.
That is natural.
Like a Linden tree;
people like to come and sit
at the foot of the Linden tree,
because the Linden tree
has the kind of energy
of peace and relaxation.
So if we know the practice
and if we can stay fresh,
compassionate, loving, patient,
we can help transform, the other person.
And the other person represents
the suffering of the world.
If you help him, you help the whole world.
And if you are not solid enough, fresh enough,
compassionate enough,
then you should meet a Sangha:
a community of practice
behind you and backing you
in the practice.
You have a resource.
Maybe in the beginning you have enough peace,
enough patience,
enough compassion,
but because you don't know how to
preserve and nourish these qualities,
and because this situation
is so difficult for you,
so that is why you run out
of these resources.
And you cannot continue to help him or her.
So that is why a good practitioner
always has a Sangha behind her.
And she can draw a tremendous source
of mindfulness, compassion,
forgiveness,
in order to be able to continue helping the world,
especially helping the other person.
So if you look and see,
you see that the other person suffers,
and does not know the way out of suffering.
And you who know the way out,
you should be able to show him.
If he has not followed you
(followed your advice)
[it is] because your way of telling him
is not compassionate enough,
skillful enough, fresh enough.
you should be a true Bodhisattva,
full of compassion, loving-kindness and freshness.
And everyone needs a Bodhisattva
like that.
And the practice of mindfulness is to become
a person like that: a Bodhisattva,
as fresh as Mother Earth.
And you have that example. Mother Earth,
always forgiving. Mother Earth
is always patient.
Every time you come back to her,
you get the nourishment,
nourishment and healing that you need.
And you are a daughter of Mother Earth.
You should learn
from Mother Earth how to stay fresh, forgiving, compassionate.
And then you will not lose hope,
especially when you have a Sangha,
a community of practice, behind you
supporting you and you can draw
a lot of resources from that community.
So continue to practice in order to
nourish your compassion, your freshness,
and then you will suffer less.
Because with compassion in our heart
we suffer very little.
Because compassion has the power to heal,
with compassion we suffer less
and we are strong enough to help him or help her.
And helping him means to help
yourself first.
And the teaching of the Buddha is very clear:
if you cannot love yourself,
you cannot love someone else
and help him or her suffer less.
So the answer is clear.
Take care of yourself.
Nourish compassion,
patience, freshness in you.
Take refuge in the Sangha
in order to keep being nourished.
And then you can help him and help the world.