Bronx Beat with Tina Fey - SNL

Betty (Amy Poehler) and Jodi (Maya Rudolph) welcome Betty's cousin Karen (Tina Fey) to the show and lament all of the bad news in the world. [Season 41, 2015]

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- Hello, hi, hi, hi.
Welcome to "Bronx Beat."

I'm Betty.
- I'm Jodi. You know that.

- Yes, hello, hello.

- Okay, welcome to
our Christmas episode.

Cheers to Christmas.
- Cheers to Christmas.

Here you go, cheers, friend.

Wait a minute.

Did you put alcohol
in this eggnog?

- Of course, what do you think?

- I'm not having any, you know,
what 'cause I gotta drive.

- We all gotta drive.
What? Everyone's driving.

Y'all gonna drive. Okay.
- Relax.

- So it's Christmas,
but not that you would know it

'cause every time
you turn on your TV,

what do you see? Bad news.
- Bad news.

Gloom and doom. I'm sick of it.

So stupid. It's Christmas.
Give me a break.

- You know what I want
for Christmas?

- Huh?
- No more bad news.

- Thank you.
Yeah, it's Christmas.

You think you got Santa
coming down the chimney?

It's ISIS.

- Aye-yi-yisis, okay?

ISIS, enough.

Take a day off.
- Enough.

- Take a nap.

Go for a walk.
- Yeah.

- Do something nice.
- Yeah.

Go see a movie.
- Yeah, go see "Star Wars."

- Oh my, enough, no,
enough with Star Wars.

- Enough with Star Wars.

- I don't want anymore
Star Wars, okay?

- May the force
give me a break already.

- Ugh.

- I'm saturated.
- Saturated.

- Everywhere you look,
it's Star Wars

and yogurts and soups and buses

and backpacks and candy bars
and crackers and soups.

- You know what? Not for me.

Too many lasers and corridors
and bleep bloops.

It's exhausting. Grow up.

- There's a giant talking dog
in that movie.

So dumb.

- Yeah, that's right,
they call it a Wookie.

- A Wookie.

And his name is Chewie.

You know what,
I'm throughie with Chewie.

- Yeah.

- 'Cause he's a Wookie.
- A Wookie.

- What the hell's a Wookie?

- A dog-man that flies a plane.

Pass!

- You know how to say, "I'm sick
of Star Wars," in Wookie?

[gargling noises]

- The only thing about space
I'm more interested in

is more counter space.
- Thank you.

- Because my dumb husband
takes it up

with all this NutriBullet.

- Ugh, it's so dumb.
- Makes his shakes.

- Ugh, shakes are dumb.

My dumb husband made meatballs

with too much garlic in them
the other night

and we're laying in bed

and he's farting in his sleep,

and I'm blaming it on the dog.

Dog looks at me and says,
"Uh-uh. It's that guy."

- Husbands are so dumb.

- But I love him.

Farts and all!

He farts like a dog,

but he makes love to me
so tenderly.

Gave me my four children!

- All right,
God, Jodi, really, relax.

- I'm fine. I'm fine.

Anyway, who cares?

- All right.
- All right.

- Let's bring out
the first guest. Who is it?

- All right, well,
no one was available

'cause of the holidays

so I got my cousin Karen
from Philly.

- Oh, right, cousin Karen.
I like her. She's cute.

- Yeah, she's cute, right?

She's bringing some homemade
Christmas ornaments.

She's going to show it to us.

She sells them on Etsy
or whatever.

- Great.

Come on in.
- Come on, Karen.

Hurry up now.

All right,
good to see you, Karen.

- Hi, Karen.
- How are things in Philly?

- Yeah, okay,
I just got done clearing

dead fall out of my yard

and I made a gang
of stuffed peppers

to take down the shore.

My son, Dave, just started Roxy.

How are youse?

- Oh my god, Karen.

I forgot what a beautiful accent
you have.

You sound fancy.

- So classy.
- So classy.

- Get out. Don't be stupid.

- Oh, I have always, always
been jealous of that accent.

- Yeah, I wish I had an accent.

- Me too.

I talk so boring.
- Yeah.

- Okay, say things in Philly.
Say "water."

- Wooder.

- What did she say?

- Say "water."

- Wooder.

- What did she say?
- Water.

- Wooder.
- What's she saying?

- Say "water."

- Wooder, yeah, wooder.

- What'd she say? Water?
- Oh, so beautiful.

- It's like "Downtown Abbey."

- Yeah.

- It's like when you go home

you have a maid
that has a pinafore.

You talk like a beautiful fairy.

- Yeah.
So what's new in Philly?

- Well, you know my brother Dave

and his friend Dave
and their other friend Dave

saw a guy beat
a Salvation Army Santa

with an old car battery
in the Wawa parking lot.

Now, Philly's a warzone.

- Okay, Karen, we don't
want any more bad news.

- We are sick of
bad news, Karen.

- Okay, well, this is
kind of good news.

The other day,
a serial killer killed

another serial killer
in front of the Liberty Bell.

So you know, that's two less
serial killers.

In Philly we call that
a Christmas miracle.

- You know what?
The world has gone cuckoo.

- Cuckoo.

- I don't even drink coffee
in the morning anymore.

I go straight to wine.
- Yeah, I mean, come on.

Seriously people,
it's Christmas and it's crazy.

The traffic...

you can't get anywhere.

- She's crying
about the traffic.

- You got to pay the taxi driver
fare and a half

just to go half a block.

See that stupid tree.

- Jodi, why are you crying
over traffic?

Are you okay?

You're having crazy mood swings.

- I'm fine.

- Do you want some water?

- What? Warder?

- Hang on, hang on.

I'm like Columbo over here.

Look, you're not drinking
- I'm fine.

- Your moods are
all over the place.

- I'm fine.

- Oh, my God.

My gut is telling me something.

Please tell me I'm wrong.

Please tell me I'm wrong.
- You're not wrong.

I'm pregnant!

- [groaning loudly]

- I have an 18-year-old going
to the University of Maryland

and I have to go shop for a crib
after this show.

- Oh, Jodi, what terrible news.

- Terrible.
- Terrible, terrible news,

but babies are a blessing.

- Babies are a blessing.

I know.

I love babies
and I love you guys.

Merry Christmas.
- I'm so happy for you.

- Me too.

- But, let me tell you
something,

if I was pregnant,
I'd kill myself.

- Yeah, I know.

- All right,
we're almost out of time

and I just realized
we never looked

at your ornaments, Karen.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, here's one.

I gotta be honest with you.
They're not great.

- Nope.

- No, they are not.
- Don't quit your day job.

- Yeah, just put it back
in the box.

- Put it back in the box.
It's offending me.

All right, so Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas, everybody.

- We have a lot of shopping
to do so we gotta go.

- I gotta go.
I gotta go get a crib.