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- Hello, hi, hi, hi.[br]Welcome to "Bronx Beat."

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I'm Betty.[br]- I'm Jodi. You know that.

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- Yes, hello, hello.

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- Okay, welcome to[br]our Christmas episode.

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Cheers to Christmas.[br]- Cheers to Christmas.

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Here you go, cheers, friend.

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Wait a minute.

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Did you put alcohol[br]in this eggnog?

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- Of course, what do you think?

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- I'm not having any, you know,[br]what 'cause I gotta drive.

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- We all gotta drive.[br]What? Everyone's driving.

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Y'all gonna drive. Okay.[br]- Relax.

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- So it's Christmas,[br]but not that you would know it

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'cause every time[br]you turn on your TV,

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what do you see? Bad news.[br]- Bad news.

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Gloom and doom. I'm sick of it.

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So stupid. It's Christmas.[br]Give me a break.

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- You know what I want[br]for Christmas?

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- Huh?[br]- No more bad news.

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- Thank you.[br]Yeah, it's Christmas.

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You think you got Santa[br]coming down the chimney?

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It's ISIS.

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- Aye-yi-yisis, okay?

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ISIS, enough.

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Take a day off.[br]- Enough.

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- Take a nap.

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Go for a walk.[br]- Yeah.

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- Do something nice.[br]- Yeah.

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Go see a movie.[br]- Yeah, go see "Star Wars."

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- Oh my, enough, no,[br]enough with Star Wars.

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- Enough with Star Wars.

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- I don't want anymore[br]Star Wars, okay?

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- May the force[br]give me a break already.

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- Ugh.

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- I'm saturated.[br]- Saturated.

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- Everywhere you look,[br]it's Star Wars

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and yogurts and soups and buses

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and backpacks and candy bars[br]and crackers and soups.

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- You know what? Not for me.

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Too many lasers and corridors[br]and bleep bloops.

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It's exhausting. Grow up.

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- There's a giant talking dog[br]in that movie.

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So dumb.

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- Yeah, that's right,[br]they call it a Wookie.

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- A Wookie.

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And his name is Chewie.

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You know what,[br]I'm throughie with Chewie.

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- Yeah.

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- 'Cause he's a Wookie.[br]- A Wookie.

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- What the hell's a Wookie?

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- A dog-man that flies a plane.

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Pass!

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- You know how to say, "I'm sick[br]of Star Wars," in Wookie?

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[gargling noises]

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- The only thing about space[br]I'm more interested in

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is more counter space.[br]- Thank you.

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- Because my dumb husband[br]takes it up

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with all this NutriBullet.

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- Ugh, it's so dumb.[br]- Makes his shakes.

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- Ugh, shakes are dumb.

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My dumb husband made meatballs

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with too much garlic in them[br]the other night

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and we're laying in bed

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and he's farting in his sleep,

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and I'm blaming it on the dog.

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Dog looks at me and says,[br]"Uh-uh. It's that guy."

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- Husbands are so dumb.

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- But I love him.

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Farts and all!

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He farts like a dog,

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but he makes love to me[br]so tenderly.

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Gave me my four children!

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- All right,[br]God, Jodi, really, relax.

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- I'm fine. I'm fine.

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Anyway, who cares?

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- All right.[br]- All right.

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- Let's bring out[br]the first guest. Who is it?

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- All right, well,[br]no one was available

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'cause of the holidays

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so I got my cousin Karen[br]from Philly.

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- Oh, right, cousin Karen.[br]I like her. She's cute.

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- Yeah, she's cute, right?

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She's bringing some homemade[br]Christmas ornaments.

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She's going to show it to us.

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She sells them on Etsy[br]or whatever.

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- Great.

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Come on in.[br]- Come on, Karen.

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Hurry up now.

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All right,[br]good to see you, Karen.

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- Hi, Karen.[br]- How are things in Philly?

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- Yeah, okay,[br]I just got done clearing

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dead fall out of my yard

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and I made a gang[br]of stuffed peppers

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to take down the shore.

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My son, Dave, just started Roxy.

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How are youse?

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- Oh my god, Karen.

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I forgot what a beautiful accent[br]you have.

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You sound fancy.

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- So classy.[br]- So classy.

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- Get out. Don't be stupid.

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- Oh, I have always, always[br]been jealous of that accent.

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- Yeah, I wish I had an accent.

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- Me too.

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I talk so boring.[br]- Yeah.

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- Okay, say things in Philly.[br]Say "water."

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- Wooder.

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- What did she say?

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- Say "water."

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- Wooder.

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- What did she say?[br]- Water.

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- Wooder.[br]- What's she saying?

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- Say "water."

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- Wooder, yeah, wooder.

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- What'd she say? Water?[br]- Oh, so beautiful.

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- It's like "Downtown Abbey."

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- Yeah.

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- It's like when you go home

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you have a maid[br]that has a pinafore.

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You talk like a beautiful fairy.

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- Yeah.[br]So what's new in Philly?

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- Well, you know my brother Dave

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and his friend Dave[br]and their other friend Dave

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saw a guy beat[br]a Salvation Army Santa

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with an old car battery[br]in the Wawa parking lot.

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Now, Philly's a warzone.

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- Okay, Karen, we don't[br]want any more bad news.

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- We are sick of[br]bad news, Karen.

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- Okay, well, this is[br]kind of good news.

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The other day,[br]a serial killer killed

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another serial killer[br]in front of the Liberty Bell.

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So you know, that's two less[br]serial killers.

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In Philly we call that[br]a Christmas miracle.

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- You know what?[br]The world has gone cuckoo.

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- Cuckoo.

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- I don't even drink coffee[br]in the morning anymore.

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I go straight to wine.[br]- Yeah, I mean, come on.

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Seriously people,[br]it's Christmas and it's crazy.

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The traffic...

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you can't get anywhere.

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- She's crying[br]about the traffic.

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- You got to pay the taxi driver[br]fare and a half

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just to go half a block.

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See that stupid tree.

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- Jodi, why are you crying[br]over traffic?

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Are you okay?

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You're having crazy mood swings.

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- I'm fine.

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- Do you want some water?

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- What? Warder?

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- Hang on, hang on.

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I'm like Columbo over here.

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Look, you're not drinking[br]- I'm fine.

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- Your moods are[br]all over the place.

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- I'm fine.

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- Oh, my God.

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My gut is telling me something.

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Please tell me I'm wrong.

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Please tell me I'm wrong.[br]- You're not wrong.

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I'm pregnant!

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- [groaning loudly]

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- I have an 18-year-old going[br]to the University of Maryland

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and I have to go shop for a crib[br]after this show.

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- Oh, Jodi, what terrible news.

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- Terrible.[br]- Terrible, terrible news,

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but babies are a blessing.

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- Babies are a blessing.

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I know.

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I love babies[br]and I love you guys.

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Merry Christmas.[br]- I'm so happy for you.

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- Me too.

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- But, let me tell you[br]something,

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if I was pregnant,[br]I'd kill myself.

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- Yeah, I know.

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- All right,[br]we're almost out of time

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and I just realized[br]we never looked

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at your ornaments, Karen.

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- Oh, okay. Yeah, here's one.

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I gotta be honest with you.[br]They're not great.

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- Nope.

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- No, they are not.[br]- Don't quit your day job.

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- Yeah, just put it back[br]in the box.

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- Put it back in the box.[br]It's offending me.

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All right, so Merry Christmas[br]- Merry Christmas, everybody.

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- We have a lot of shopping[br]to do so we gotta go.

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- I gotta go.[br]I gotta go get a crib.