Gad Elmaleh - L'autre c'est moi | Spectacle Complet

Good evening

Good evening Lyon!

Thank you!

Wow, thanks, such a warm welcome

But it's also scary! Stop it...

YAAY

we don't know what he's gonna do but YAAY

That's a lot of pressure but I'm glad to be back

I like it here, always warm, I'm happy

Stop it, it's scary...

I'll put myself at ease, I feel good

What, hey, seriously...

Here.

I'm happy to be back in France

I'm just back from a tour in the "States"

Whaat?

A few days ago we were in the States

doing a big tour

just a few days ago we were all in a bar

those new bars, there are some here

They're everywhere, you know

"lounge bars"

Everywhere!

You go there, you drink and you looounge

So I'm talking to a girl, we drink,

she takes me to her place,

we start making love and she goes

Oh my God!

And I think: how does she know my name?

Later, I got it - I do know a little English

I learnt it at school just like you

We've all had the same stupid lessons

with that famous existential question

that NEEDED to be answered

Where is Brian?

He traumatised you as well, right?

We didn't know who he was, didn't care

but you had to locate him in the house

to learn English...

locate his family... What was that about?

And you answered like a good, stupid kid...

...

He traumatised me, Brian

cause one day I met a big American producer

he shakes my hand and

...

I told him "Go in the kitchen"

Then you had to look for his sister, Jenny

...

And with the accent, you know,

careful, with the tongue like...

...

Then you had stupid sentences to repeat

...

Go ahead and place that sentence when you're travelling in the US.

How many times in NY did I think

I hope it rains, you'll see, I'll say it...

But I'm happy to be here

We all came back, by plane

Wow!

What's happening tonight?

So we took the plane, I'm so scared of planes!

Not afraid to say it

Honestly, I'm super scared.

Even if we all know someone with that theory

"planes are not dangerous", you know

They go, "really, you're scared of planes?"

Scared? Well well... Heard that?

Really? Huh. Scared of planes.

You know there's a lot more car accidents

than plane accidents

A lot more people die in a car

than in a plane

Plane is the safest means of transport today.

I'm telling you.

Yeah, that's it...

Then why is an airport called a "terminal"?

Hey... I'm scared.

Customs people don't make it any better.

With terrorism hysteria, they go crazy

They're paranoid

They almost try to x-ray your lungs

Yeah, if you want a scanner, don't go to the doctor

just go to the airport and say

Hellooo, I've hidden things in my head!

Here, look.

They also have a great question, I love it:

Hello,

did someone

that you don't know

give you something?

Sir, even the people I know really well

don't give me anything.

I will stop being scared on the plane

the day people stop applauding the pilot when we land

The guy's studied for 10 years,

he's paid a crapload of money

but he lands...

... 200 people go Waaah!

Soon they'll go "Wowowow"

He's gonna get excited and take off again!

Another thing that annoys me

is the attendant who always looks at your boarding card

Why?

To tell you which way to go on the plane.

Like, yeah, I know, there's no trick...

What, you think I'm gonna go

and after 5 min: Oh, I should have asked...

It's a real maze!

You think I'm gonna climb into the luggage compartment?

And the same chick does the security demo

With the approxima-tfff... gestures.

The ending of the word just didn't come...

My brain was...

When you make a mistake you should always say it

Otherwise the whole audience goes

"Hey, he went approximatfff"

"Heard that? He went pffrt..." Weird.

You can make the best jokes in the world,

everyone's still on "approxpffrt..."

"I liked the show but at one point apprfft..."

So this attendant makes... gestures...

vague gestures.

You know, "security measure..."

"in case of emergency..."

Even she doesn't know

what she's talking about

Emergency, you're in trouble,

you too

me too

Maybe you'll die, maybe you too,

maybe I'll stay, I don't know...

What do they mean, those gestures?

You think if you crash you'll say

"Please, show us the gestures,

we have to do something!"

Yeah, that scares me...

So I don't take the plane anymore,

I take the train.

Seriously, it reassures me.

Although-

Some people follow their own pace.

You're laughing about the Brian thing,

right?

At the last joke in the show, she'll say

"Eat out, please"

Once in a while, I'll check on you

to see where you are in the show

So on the train there were problems too

so they enforced security measures,

"vigi-pirate", you know

Even that word...

You can picture those guys...

Careful, vigi-pirate, oh la la !

The word's part of our language now

Yeah, you know, because of vigi-pirate...

They set up some new system

new security measures

Did you notice, on TGV? (high-speed train)

Where you used to put your luggage

it's taped out now

Seriously.

In France we're gonna fight terorrism

with tape, yeah yeah.

But they're right!

This way if a terrorist comes to set a bomb

He'll say "Shit,

there's some tape"

"So I can't terrorize..."

I would have liked to be there

at the government meeting

when someone said: Guys,

let's take some drastic measures.

I want to see tape everywhere, ok?

And if they keep being smartasses,

we'll use double-faced!

Seriously,

it's scary.

But let's not talk about bad things,

we're here to laugh

Besides I feel great,

I'm just back from holidays.

I went skiing for the first time in my life

And wow, it's crazy

I had never done it, I admit

I come from a country

where it's not the national sport...

Except if you ski with a ball.

Skiing is weird, even if you're pretty good

There's something I hate

When you walk with ski shoes

you look like an idiot

there's no escaping it.

Hey, we're going skiing!

Coming?

You have to stay natural, you know

Some people even run with it

How do they do it?

"Wait, you've got my pass, wait, oh"

Then you have to put the skies on

Some people are just naturals

they're top-level

they just go...

Where's the action?

You just go clack

and the ski goes...

I feel better, some of you are just like me

Then you have to take up your position

the beginner's position:

snowplough.

You don't look like a fool

That's the good thing about it

Did you notice how as a beginner

you always think the slope is too steep?

"It's too much like this"

What, you want it like that?

You stand there, gathering your courage

You're ready, you're gonna go...

It's your first time ever

Your heart goes tutum

And then a guy just slides past you

and makes you look like a proper fool

He's like a pro

You haven't moved

You're watching

And your girlfriend goes

He's such a good skier!

You know the kind of guy I'm talking about?

The kind of blond guy

He's like... blond

Very blond

With glasses like that

If you wear them you look like a fly

But it suits him, he looks good with them

And he goes on

I'm just trying to ski

There are people in front of me

As a beginner you don't know

how to avoid them

You want to say "move"

but your hands are not free

You go "mooove"

You get down,

you have to go up again

with the drag-lift

You know the drag lift?

That thing, it's never your turn to take it

Don't know why, the guy just says no

No, not that one

But it's empty!

I'm in charge

But you're in a drag-lift suspense

You think ok, my turn soon

And when he says go,

you mustn't miss it!

Now!

So you're on the lift, you're scared

You think, I mustn't fall down

Plus the track is kind of bissectile...

I mustn't fall, I mustn't...

And you fall!

And then

you have a reflex.

A human one, true

But very weird

You hang on to it

What the hell?

You could stop, wait for another one

No!

It's mine!

I booked it

You get to the top, you're missing a glove

you're missing a ski

Your eyebrows are frozen

Your hat is down to here,

your turtleneck is choking you

Your nose is running

Blond guy's nose is not running, nope

I think blond guys' noses run upwards