Good evening Good evening Lyon! Thank you! Wow, thanks, such a warm welcome But it's also scary! Stop it... YAAY we don't know what he's gonna do but YAAY That's a lot of pressure but I'm glad to be back I like it here, always warm, I'm happy Stop it, it's scary... I'll put myself at ease, I feel good What, hey, seriously... Here. I'm happy to be back in France I'm just back from a tour in the "States" Whaat? A few days ago we were in the States doing a big tour just a few days ago we were all in a bar those new bars, there are some here They're everywhere, you know "lounge bars" Everywhere! You go there, you drink and you looounge So I'm talking to a girl, we drink, she takes me to her place, we start making love and she goes Oh my God! And I think: how does she know my name? Later, I got it - I do know a little English I learnt it at school just like you We've all had the same stupid lessons with that famous existential question that NEEDED to be answered Where is Brian? He traumatised you as well, right? We didn't know who he was, didn't care but you had to locate him in the house to learn English... locate his family... What was that about? And you answered like a good, stupid kid... ... He traumatised me, Brian cause one day I met a big American producer he shakes my hand and ... I told him "Go in the kitchen" Then you had to look for his sister, Jenny ... And with the accent, you know, careful, with the tongue like... ... Then you had stupid sentences to repeat ... Go ahead and place that sentence when you're travelling in the US. How many times in NY did I think I hope it rains, you'll see, I'll say it... But I'm happy to be here We all came back, by plane Wow! What's happening tonight? So we took the plane, I'm so scared of planes! Not afraid to say it Honestly, I'm super scared. Even if we all know someone with that theory "planes are not dangerous", you know They go, "really, you're scared of planes?" Scared? Well well... Heard that? Really? Huh. Scared of planes. You know there's a lot more car accidents than plane accidents A lot more people die in a car than in a plane Plane is the safest means of transport today. Yeah, that's it... I'm telling you. Then why is an airport called a "terminal"? Hey... I'm scared. Customs people don't make it any better. With terrorism hysteria, they go crazy They're paranoid They almost try to x-ray your lungs Yeah, if you want a scanner, don't go to the doctor just go to the airport and say Hellooo, I've hidden things in my head! They also have a great question, I love it: Here, look. Hello, did someone that you don't know give you something? Sir, even the people I know really well don't give me anything. I will stop being scared on the plane the day people stop applauding the pilot when we land The guy's studied for 10 years, he's paid a crapload of money but he lands... ... 200 people go Waaah! Soon they'll go "Wowowow" He's gonna get excited and take off again! Another thing that annoys me is the attendant who always looks at your boarding card Why? To tell you which way to go on the plane. Like, yeah, I know, there's no trick... What, you think I'm gonna go and after 5 min: Oh, I should have asked... It's a real maze! You think I'm gonna climb into the luggage compartment? And the same chick does the security demo With the approxima-tfff... gestures. The ending of the word just didn't come... My brain was... When you make a mistake you should always say it Otherwise the whole audience goes "Hey, he went approximatfff" "Heard that? He went pffrt..." Weird. You can make the best jokes in the world, everyone's still on "approxpffrt..." "I liked the show but at one point apprfft..." So this attendant makes... gestures... vague gestures. You know, "security measure..." "in case of emergency..." Even she doesn't know what she's talking about Emergency, you're in trouble, you too me too Maybe you'll die, maybe you too, maybe I'll stay, I don't know... What do they mean, those gestures? You think if you crash you'll say "Please, show us the gestures, we have to do something!" Yeah, that scares me... So I don't take the plane anymore, I take the train. Seriously, it reassures me. Although- Some people follow their own pace. You're laughing about the Brian thing, right? At the last joke in the show, she'll say "Eat out, please" Once in a while, I'll check on you to see where you are in the show So on the train there were problems too so they enforced security measures, "vigi-pirate", you know Even that word... You can picture those guys... Careful, vigi-pirate, oh la la ! The word's part of our language now Yeah, you know, because of vigi-pirate... They set up some new system new security measures Did you notice, on TGV? (high-speed train) Where you used to put your luggage it's taped out now Seriously. In France we're gonna fight terorrism with tape, yeah yeah. But they're right! This way if a terrorist comes to set a bomb He'll say "Shit, there's some tape" "So I can't terrorize..." I would have liked to be there at the government meeting when someone said: Guys, let's take some drastic measures. I want to see tape everywhere, ok? And if they keep being smartasses, we'll use double-faced! Seriously, it's scary. But let's not talk about bad things, we're here to laugh Besides I feel great, I'm just back from holidays. I went skiing for the first time in my life And wow, it's crazy I had never done it, I admit I come from a country where it's not the national sport... Except if you ski with a ball. Skiing is weird, even if you're pretty good There's something I hate When you walk with ski shoes you look like an idiot there's no escaping it. Hey, we're going skiing! Coming? You have to stay natural, you know Some people even run with it How do they do it? "Wait, you've got my pass, wait, oh" Then you have to put the skies on Some people are just naturals they're top-level they just go... Where's the action? You just go clack and the ski goes... I feel better, some of you are just like me Then you have to take up your position the beginner's position: snowplough. You don't look like a fool That's the good thing about it Did you notice how as a beginner you always think the slope is too steep? "It's too much like this" What, you want it like that? You stand there, gathering your courage You're ready, you're gonna go... It's your first time ever Your heart goes tutum And then a guy just slides past you and makes you look like a proper fool He's like a pro You haven't moved And your girlfriend goes You're watching He's such a good skier! You know the kind of guy I'm talking about? The kind of blond guy He's like... blond Very blond With glasses like that If you wear them you look like a fly But it suits him, he looks good with them And he goes on I'm just trying to ski There are people in front of me As a beginner you don't know how to avoid them You want to say "move" but your hands are not free You go "mooove" You get down, you have to go up again with the drag-lift You know the drag lift? That thing, it's never your turn to take it Don't know why, the guy just says no No, not that one But it's empty! I'm in charge But you're in a drag-lift suspense You think ok, my turn soon And when he says go, you mustn't miss it! Now! So you're on the lift, you're scared You think, I mustn't fall down Plus the track is kind of bissectile... I mustn't fall, I mustn't... And you fall! And then you have a reflex. A human one, true But very weird You hang on to it What the hell? You could stop, wait for another one No! It's mine! I booked it You get to the top, you're missing a glove you're missing a ski Your eyebrows are frozen Your hat is down to here, your turtleneck is choking you Your nose is running Blond guy's nose is not running, nope I think blond guys' noses run upwards