Good evening
Good evening Lyon!
Thank you!
Wow, thanks, such a warm welcome
But it's also scary! Stop it...
YAAY
we don't know what he's gonna do but YAAY
That's a lot of pressure but I'm glad to be back
I like it here, always warm, I'm happy
Stop it, it's scary...
I'll put myself at ease, I feel good
What, hey, seriously...
Here.
I'm happy to be back in France
I'm just back from a tour in the "States"
Whaat?
A few days ago we were in the States
doing a big tour
just a few days ago we were all in a bar
those new bars, there are some here
They're everywhere, you know
"lounge bars"
Everywhere!
You go there, you drink and you looounge
So I'm talking to a girl, we drink,
she takes me to her place,
we start making love and she goes
Oh my God!
And I think: how does she know my name?
Later, I got it - I do know a little English
I learnt it at school just like you
We've all had the same stupid lessons
with that famous existential question
that NEEDED to be answered
Where is Brian?
He traumatised you as well, right?
We didn't know who he was, didn't care
but you had to locate him in the house
to learn English...
locate his family... What was that about?
And you answered like a good, stupid kid...
...
He traumatised me, Brian
cause one day I met a big American producer
he shakes my hand and
...
I told him "Go in the kitchen"
Then you had to look for his sister, Jenny
...
And with the accent, you know,
careful, with the tongue like...
...
Then you had stupid sentences to repeat
...
Go ahead and place that sentence when you're travelling in the US.
How many times in NY did I think
I hope it rains, you'll see, I'll say it...
But I'm happy to be here
We all came back, by plane
Wow!
What's happening tonight?
So we took the plane, I'm so scared of planes!
Not afraid to say it
Honestly, I'm super scared.
Even if we all know someone with that theory
"planes are not dangerous", you know
They go, "really, you're scared of planes?"
Scared? Well well... Heard that?
Really? Huh. Scared of planes.
You know there's a lot more car accidents
than plane accidents
A lot more people die in a car
than in a plane
Plane is the safest means of transport today.
Yeah, that's it...
I'm telling you.
Then why is an airport called a "terminal"?
Hey... I'm scared.
Customs people don't make it any better.
With terrorism hysteria, they go crazy
They're paranoid
They almost try to x-ray your lungs
Yeah, if you want a scanner, don't go to the doctor
just go to the airport and say
Hellooo, I've hidden things in my head!
They also have a great question, I love it:
Here, look.
Hello,
did someone
that you don't know
give you something?
Sir, even the people I know really well
don't give me anything.
I will stop being scared on the plane
the day people stop applauding the pilot when we land
The guy's studied for 10 years,
he's paid a crapload of money
but he lands...
... 200 people go Waaah!
Soon they'll go "Wowowow"
He's gonna get excited and take off again!
Another thing that annoys me
is the attendant who always looks at your boarding card
Why?
To tell you which way to go on the plane.
Like, yeah, I know, there's no trick...
What, you think I'm gonna go
and after 5 min: Oh, I should have asked...
It's a real maze!
You think I'm gonna climb into the luggage compartment?
And the same chick does the security demo
With the approxima-tfff... gestures.
The ending of the word just didn't come...
My brain was...
When you make a mistake you should always say it
Otherwise the whole audience goes
"Hey, he went approximatfff"
"Heard that? He went pffrt..." Weird.
You can make the best jokes in the world,
everyone's still on "approxpffrt..."
"I liked the show but at one point apprfft..."
So this attendant makes... gestures...
vague gestures.
You know, "security measure..."
"in case of emergency..."
Even she doesn't know
what she's talking about
Emergency, you're in trouble,
you too
me too
Maybe you'll die, maybe you too,
maybe I'll stay, I don't know...
What do they mean, those gestures?
You think if you crash you'll say
"Please, show us the gestures,
we have to do something!"
Yeah, that scares me...
So I don't take the plane anymore,
I take the train.
Seriously, it reassures me.
Although-
Some people follow their own pace.
You're laughing about the Brian thing,
right?
At the last joke in the show, she'll say
"Eat out, please"
Once in a while, I'll check on you
to see where you are in the show
So on the train there were problems too
so they enforced security measures,
"vigi-pirate", you know
Even that word...
You can picture those guys...
Careful, vigi-pirate, oh la la !
The word's part of our language now
Yeah, you know, because of vigi-pirate...
They set up some new system
new security measures
Did you notice, on TGV? (high-speed train)
Where you used to put your luggage
it's taped out now
Seriously.
In France we're gonna fight terorrism
with tape, yeah yeah.
But they're right!
This way if a terrorist comes to set a bomb
He'll say "Shit,
there's some tape"
"So I can't terrorize..."
I would have liked to be there
at the government meeting
when someone said: Guys,
let's take some drastic measures.
I want to see tape everywhere, ok?
And if they keep being smartasses,
we'll use double-faced!
Seriously,
it's scary.
But let's not talk about bad things,
we're here to laugh
Besides I feel great,
I'm just back from holidays.
I went skiing for the first time in my life
And wow, it's crazy
I had never done it, I admit
I come from a country
where it's not the national sport...
Except if you ski with a ball.
Skiing is weird, even if you're pretty good
There's something I hate
When you walk with ski shoes
you look like an idiot
there's no escaping it.
Hey, we're going skiing!
Coming?
You have to stay natural, you know
Some people even run with it
How do they do it?
"Wait, you've got my pass, wait, oh"
Then you have to put the skies on
Some people are just naturals
they're top-level
they just go...
Where's the action?
You just go clack
and the ski goes...
I feel better, some of you are just like me
Then you have to take up your position
the beginner's position:
snowplough.
You don't look like a fool
That's the good thing about it
Did you notice how as a beginner
you always think the slope is too steep?
"It's too much like this"
What, you want it like that?
You stand there, gathering your courage
You're ready, you're gonna go...
It's your first time ever
Your heart goes tutum
And then a guy just slides past you
and makes you look like a proper fool
He's like a pro
You haven't moved
And your girlfriend goes
You're watching
He's such a good skier!
You know the kind of guy I'm talking about?
The kind of blond guy
He's like... blond
Very blond
With glasses like that
If you wear them you look like a fly
But it suits him, he looks good with them
And he goes on
I'm just trying to ski
There are people in front of me
As a beginner you don't know
how to avoid them
You want to say "move"
but your hands are not free
You go "mooove"
You get down,
you have to go up again
with the drag-lift
You know the drag lift?
That thing, it's never your turn to take it
Don't know why, the guy just says no
No, not that one
But it's empty!
I'm in charge
But you're in a drag-lift suspense
You think ok, my turn soon
And when he says go,
you mustn't miss it!
Now!
So you're on the lift, you're scared
You think, I mustn't fall down
Plus the track is kind of bissectile...
I mustn't fall, I mustn't...
And you fall!
And then
you have a reflex.
A human one, true
But very weird
You hang on to it
What the hell?
You could stop, wait for another one
No!
It's mine!
I booked it
You get to the top, you're missing a glove
you're missing a ski
Your eyebrows are frozen
Your hat is down to here,
your turtleneck is choking you
Your nose is running
Blond guy's nose is not running, nope
I think blond guys' noses run upwards