1
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Good evening

2
00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:14,000
Good evening Lyon!

3
00:01:36,709 --> 00:01:38,539
Thank you!

4
00:01:38,743 --> 00:01:40,802
Wow, thanks, such a warm welcome

5
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But it's also scary! Stop it...

6
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YAAY

7
00:01:43,738 --> 00:01:46,128
we don't know what he's gonna do but YAAY

8
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That's a lot of pressure but I'm glad to be back

9
00:01:49,622 --> 00:01:52,066
I like it here, always warm, I'm happy

10
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Stop it, it's scary...

11
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I'll put myself at ease, I feel good

12
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What, hey, seriously...

13
00:02:05,248 --> 00:02:06,288
Here.

14
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I'm happy to be back in France

15
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I'm just back from a tour in the "States"

16
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Whaat?

17
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A few days ago we were in the States

18
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doing a big tour

19
00:02:26,877 --> 00:02:29,757
just a few days ago we were all in a bar

20
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those new bars, there are some here

21
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They're everywhere, you know

22
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"lounge bars"

23
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Everywhere!

24
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You go there, you drink and you looounge

25
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So I'm talking to a girl, we drink,

26
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she takes me to her place,

27
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we start making love and she goes

28
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Oh my God!

29
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And I think: how does she know my name?

30
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Later, I got it - I do know a little English

31
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I learnt it at school just like you

32
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We've all had the same stupid lessons

33
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with that famous existential question

34
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that NEEDED to be answered

35
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Where is Brian?

36
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He traumatised you as well, right?

37
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We didn't know who he was, didn't care

38
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but you had to locate him in the house

39
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to learn English...

40
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locate his family... What was that about?

41
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And you answered like a good, stupid kid...

42
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...

43
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He traumatised me, Brian

44
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cause one day I met a big American producer

45
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he shakes my hand and

46
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...

47
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I told him "Go in the kitchen"

48
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Then you had to look for his sister, Jenny

49
00:04:01,749 --> 00:04:03,689
...

50
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And with the accent, you know,

51
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careful, with the tongue like...

52
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...

53
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Then you had stupid sentences to repeat

54
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...

55
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Go ahead and place that sentence when you're travelling in the US.

56
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How many times in NY did I think

57
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I hope it rains, you'll see, I'll say it...

58
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But I'm happy to be here

59
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We all came back, by plane

60
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Wow!

61
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What's happening tonight?

62
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So we took the plane, I'm so scared of planes!

63
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Not afraid to say it

64
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Honestly, I'm super scared.

65
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Even if we all know someone with that theory

66
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"planes are not dangerous", you know

67
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They go, "really, you're scared of planes?"

68
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Scared? Well well... Heard that?

69
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Really? Huh. Scared of planes.

70
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You know there's a lot more car accidents

71
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than plane accidents

72
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A lot more people die in a car

73
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than in a plane

74
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Plane is the safest means of transport today.

75
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Yeah, that's it...

76
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I'm telling you.

77
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Then why is an airport called a "terminal"?

78
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Hey... I'm scared.

79
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Customs people don't make it any better.

80
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With terrorism hysteria, they go crazy

81
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They're paranoid

82
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They almost try to x-ray your lungs

83
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Yeah, if you want a scanner, don't go to the doctor

84
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just go to the airport and say

85
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Hellooo, I've hidden things in my head!

86
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They also have a great question, I love it:

87
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Here, look.

88
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Hello,

89
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did someone

90
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that you don't know

91
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give you something?

92
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,280
Sir, even the people I know really well

93
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don't give me anything.

94
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I will stop being scared on the plane

95
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the day people stop applauding the pilot when we land

96
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The guy's studied for 10 years,

97
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he's paid a crapload of money

98
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but he lands...

99
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... 200 people go Waaah!

100
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Soon they'll go "Wowowow"

101
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He's gonna get excited and take off again!

102
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Another thing that annoys me

103
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is the attendant who always looks at your boarding card

104
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Why?

105
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To tell you which way to go on the plane.

106
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Like, yeah, I know, there's no trick...

107
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What, you think I'm gonna go

108
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and after 5 min: Oh, I should have asked...

109
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It's a real maze!

110
00:07:05,234 --> 00:07:09,024
You think I'm gonna climb into the luggage compartment?

111
00:07:10,228 --> 00:07:13,518
And the same chick does the security demo

112
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With the approxima-tfff... gestures.

113
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The ending of the word just didn't come...

114
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My brain was...

115
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When you make a mistake you should always say it

116
00:07:31,273 --> 00:07:32,886
Otherwise the whole audience goes

117
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,919
"Hey, he went approximatfff"

118
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"Heard that? He went pffrt..." Weird.

119
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You can make the best jokes in the world,

120
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everyone's still on "approxpffrt..."

121
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"I liked the show but at one point apprfft..."

122
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So this attendant makes... gestures...

123
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vague gestures.

124
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You know, "security measure..."

125
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"in case of emergency..."

126
00:08:15,494 --> 00:08:16,557
Even she doesn't know

127
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what she's talking about

128
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Emergency, you're in trouble,

129
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you too

130
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me too

131
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Maybe you'll die, maybe you too,

132
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maybe I'll stay, I don't know...

133
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What do they mean, those gestures?

134
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You think if you crash you'll say

135
00:08:36,236 --> 00:08:37,786
"Please, show us the gestures,

136
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we have to do something!"

137
00:08:40,753 --> 00:08:43,333
Yeah, that scares me...

138
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So I don't take the plane anymore,

139
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I take the train.

140
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Seriously, it reassures me.

141
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Although-

142
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Some people follow their own pace.

143
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You're laughing about the Brian thing,

144
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right?

145
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At the last joke in the show, she'll say

146
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"Eat out, please"

147
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Once in a while, I'll check on you

148
00:09:13,521 --> 00:09:15,811
to see where you are in the show

149
00:09:15,811 --> 00:09:18,221
So on the train there were problems too

150
00:09:18,221 --> 00:09:20,141
so they enforced security measures,

151
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"vigi-pirate", you know

152
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:23,501
Even that word...

153
00:09:24,241 --> 00:09:28,241
You can picture those guys...

154
00:09:28,761 --> 00:09:32,761
Careful, vigi-pirate, oh la la !

155
00:09:34,737 --> 00:09:36,567
The word's part of our language now

156
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:39,293
Yeah, you know, because of vigi-pirate...

157
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They set up some new system

158
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new security measures

159
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Did you notice, on TGV? (high-speed train)

160
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Where you used to put your luggage

161
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it's taped out now

162
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Seriously.

163
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,149
In France we're gonna fight terorrism

164
00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:53,769
with tape, yeah yeah.

165
00:09:53,769 --> 00:09:54,889
But they're right!

166
00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:57,399
This way if a terrorist comes to set a bomb

167
00:09:57,399 --> 00:09:59,499
He'll say "Shit,

168
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,519
there's some tape"

169
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"So I can't terrorize..."

170
00:10:13,831 --> 00:10:15,271
I would have liked to be there

171
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at the government meeting

172
00:10:16,671 --> 00:10:17,861
when someone said: Guys,

173
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let's take some drastic measures.

174
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I want to see tape everywhere, ok?

175
00:10:28,073 --> 00:10:29,873
And if they keep being smartasses,

176
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we'll use double-faced!

177
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Seriously,

178
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it's scary.

179
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But let's not talk about bad things,

180
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we're here to laugh

181
00:10:41,824 --> 00:10:43,254
Besides I feel great,

182
00:10:43,254 --> 00:10:44,744
I'm just back from holidays.

183
00:10:45,488 --> 00:10:48,808
I went skiing for the first time in my life

184
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And wow, it's crazy

185
00:10:50,398 --> 00:10:52,488
I had never done it, I admit

186
00:10:52,488 --> 00:10:53,688
I come from a country

187
00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:57,498
where it's not the national sport...

188
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:01,238
Except if you ski with a ball.

189
00:11:01,608 --> 00:11:03,818
Skiing is weird, even if you're pretty good

190
00:11:03,818 --> 00:11:04,968
There's something I hate

191
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,588
When you walk with ski shoes

192
00:11:06,608 --> 00:11:07,998
you look like an idiot

193
00:11:07,998 --> 00:11:09,238
there's no escaping it.

194
00:11:09,238 --> 00:11:12,258
Hey, we're going skiing!

195
00:11:13,278 --> 00:11:13,998
Coming?

196
00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:15,628
You have to stay natural, you know

197
00:11:16,487 --> 00:11:18,057
Some people even run with it

198
00:11:18,057 --> 00:11:19,107
How do they do it?

199
00:11:19,107 --> 00:11:21,957
"Wait, you've got my pass, wait, oh"

200
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:26,814
Then you have to put the skies on

201
00:11:26,814 --> 00:11:28,238
Some people are just naturals

202
00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:29,258
they're top-level

203
00:11:29,258 --> 00:11:30,098
they just go...

204
00:11:33,684 --> 00:11:35,224
Where's the action?

205
00:11:35,522 --> 00:11:36,922
You just go clack

206
00:11:36,922 --> 00:11:39,582
and the ski goes...

207
00:11:41,498 --> 00:11:43,848
I feel better, some of you are just like me

208
00:11:49,007 --> 00:11:50,907
Then you have to take up your position

209
00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:52,087
the beginner's position:

210
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,357
snowplough.

211
00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:58,670
You don't look like a fool

212
00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,340
That's the good thing about it

213
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,279
Did you notice how as a beginner

214
00:12:02,279 --> 00:12:04,701
you always think the slope is too steep?

215
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:06,351
"It's too much like this"

216
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,781
What, you want it like that?

217
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:11,281
You stand there, gathering your courage

218
00:12:11,281 --> 00:12:12,991
You're ready, you're gonna go...

219
00:12:12,991 --> 00:12:14,771
It's your first time ever

220
00:12:14,771 --> 00:12:16,931
Your heart goes tutum

221
00:12:16,931 --> 00:12:18,761
And then a guy just slides past you

222
00:12:18,761 --> 00:12:20,741
and makes you look like a proper fool

223
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:21,691
He's like a pro

224
00:12:32,505 --> 00:12:33,755
You haven't moved

225
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,290
And your girlfriend goes

226
00:12:33,755 --> 00:12:34,930
You're watching

227
00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:42,820
He's such a good skier!

228
00:12:51,991 --> 00:12:54,091
You know the kind of guy I'm talking about?

229
00:12:54,091 --> 00:12:55,251
The kind of blond guy

230
00:12:55,251 --> 00:12:56,521
He's like... blond

231
00:12:56,998 --> 00:12:58,768
Very blond

232
00:12:58,919 --> 00:13:01,189
With glasses like that

233
00:13:01,427 --> 00:13:03,837
If you wear them you look like a fly

234
00:13:05,176 --> 00:13:08,496
But it suits him, he looks good with them

235
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,506
And he goes on

236
00:13:09,826 --> 00:13:10,875
I'm just trying to ski

237
00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:12,355
There are people in front of me

238
00:13:12,355 --> 00:13:13,695
As a beginner you don't know

239
00:13:13,695 --> 00:13:14,505
how to avoid them

240
00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:15,555
You want to say "move"

241
00:13:15,555 --> 00:13:16,845
but your hands are not free

242
00:13:16,845 --> 00:13:18,865
You go "mooove"

243
00:13:20,725 --> 00:13:21,465
You get down,

244
00:13:21,465 --> 00:13:22,626
you have to go up again

245
00:13:22,626 --> 00:13:23,546
with the drag-lift

246
00:13:23,546 --> 00:13:25,166
You know the drag lift?

247
00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:27,496
That thing, it's never your turn to take it

248
00:13:27,496 --> 00:13:29,336
Don't know why, the guy just says no

249
00:13:29,336 --> 00:13:30,246
No, not that one

250
00:13:30,246 --> 00:13:30,976
But it's empty!

251
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,946
I'm in charge

252
00:13:33,509 --> 00:13:35,279
But you're in a drag-lift suspense

253
00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:38,509
You think ok, my turn soon

254
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:40,491
And when he says go,

255
00:13:40,491 --> 00:13:41,791
you mustn't miss it!

256
00:13:42,495 --> 00:13:43,215
Now!

257
00:13:56,892 --> 00:14:00,172
So you're on the lift, you're scared

258
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:02,882
You think, I mustn't fall down

259
00:14:02,882 --> 00:14:06,742
Plus the track is kind of bissectile...

260
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:09,234
I mustn't fall, I mustn't...

261
00:14:09,234 --> 00:14:10,264
And you fall!

262
00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:11,084
And then

263
00:14:11,364 --> 00:14:12,804
you have a reflex.

264
00:14:18,517 --> 00:14:20,497
A human one, true

265
00:14:20,497 --> 00:14:22,017
But very weird

266
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,215
You hang on to it

267
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:30,004
What the hell?

268
00:14:30,010 --> 00:14:32,310
You could stop, wait for another one

269
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:33,260
No!

270
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:35,213
It's mine!

271
00:14:37,134 --> 00:14:38,864
I booked it

272
00:14:42,395 --> 00:14:44,505
You get to the top, you're missing a glove

273
00:14:44,505 --> 00:14:46,225
you're missing a ski

274
00:14:46,254 --> 00:14:49,264
Your eyebrows are frozen

275
00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:51,134
Your hat is down to here,

276
00:14:51,134 --> 00:14:53,644
your turtleneck is choking you

277
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,574
Your nose is running

278
00:14:56,851 --> 00:15:00,011
Blond guy's nose is not running, nope

279
00:15:00,011 --> 00:15:03,241
I think blond guys' noses run upwards