How can I let people go? Summer Retreat - 2016.07.27

Dear Thay, dear Sangha,
my question is about healing

and about true love.

For me it is very difficult to
say good bye to people,

when people come and go in my life.

I've been practicing being in
touch with my 5-year-old self

for some years, and recently when
someone said good bye to me,

it was very difficult.

And I reflected on it afterwards,

and the voice of my 5-year-old self
came out and said something like:

"I need to make my mother happy
so that she can take care of me,

and if she's sad, then that means
I can't make her happy

and that I can't love."

I think when people say good bye to me,
that means that I can't love them

and they're leaving because I
haven't been able to love them.

And I know that I direct a lot
of my love outward

and when someone is leaving
or something like that,

then I want to give them more love to
make them stay, I think.

Because I'm afraid that they're leaving.

And I think part of it is I'm afraid
that they'll be gone

maybe like my mother wasn't there
when I was a baby,

and I'm also afraid that maybe
I have some sort of

defect that means that my love is ineffective,

I can't love people that I want to love.

That is my question. How to heal this
and be able to-

and so I can love freely without trying to
grasp onto people when they leave?

They're saying, in every one of us
there is a wounded child.

And you need to take
care of that wounded child.

To take care of this wounded child,
we need to go inside ourselves,

we need to be present with ourselves

instead of putting a focus out there

and searching for love, for acceptance,
for recognition to fill up this hole in here

that's left by this big wound,
the wounded child in us.

I think we need to come back
and take care of this,

take care of ourselves.

It's really love for ourselves, that we're able
to come back and listen to ourselves,

listen to that wounded child.

And only when we can do that to ourselves,
that we can heal this wounded child.

It's only when we can come back and listen to ourselves and be there with ourselves,

to care for this woundedness, that we
can truly love ourselves.

And only when you can do that then
you can love other people.

And this love that we have for other people,
that is based on this love for ourselves,

it gives people space, and it gives us space.

It gives the people the freedom,
and it gives us the freedom.

The freedom to go, to come
whenever they feel like it.

And it give us the freedom to welcome
people when they come

and then to let them go
when they have to go.

I think we all here really do
it to heal ourselves

and to heal the woundedness inside us,

and we've offered concrete
practices to do that

and it's a matter of freely
embodying these concrete practices.

You know like putting down to practice,
these teachings and practices that we learn.

And also we have the Sangha
around us to support us

in that walk of healing ourselves,

because everyone in the Sangha
is really doing that too, to heal ourselves

So I see, Scott, that you are very lucky
that you get to stay here

longer than most people here.

You know, Scott is an intern here that
has been here for several years now

and has been a member of the
Sangha here for a long time.

And so, in that way you're very lucky.
Because you have the Sangha

to practice with you, you have the Sangha to remind you to practice,

and you have the tools to do it.

And this is it. This is the place,
and this is the time

to care of that wounded child, to bring your
attention in instead of putting it out here.

What happens in the community is that,
from my own personal experience,

is that there's just so many people here.

You know, I live with 70 sisters.

And if I am the kind of person that
always put my attention out here,

it's endless. I mean, it never stops.

There's just so many interesting people here
and more people are coming all the time.

It's going to drain me if I
always put my attention here.

So I need to have a balance by coming inside

to care for myself and to listen to myself.

And so, here in Plum Village,

there are times when we are very
busy like during this retreat

and you know, like this is our fourth
week and everyone is really-

you know, like the fatigue, it's sinkening.

But there are times when it's not so busy,

and one of the thing that you do is
working in the Happy Farm

and sometimes I go down there
and I really envy you guys

because whole day you just work with nature
and you really interact with Mother Earth

and you have the space around you,
the silence around you,

these are elements for healing.

And if you can stop in here, so you can
allow these beauties to come in

and that's one way to help you heal yourself,

heal the wounded child inside yourself.

We can still put one another
in doing this work

and we have everything we need to do it.

It's a matter of just go back,
where we're reminded again and again

by the whole community. Go back to take
care of that wounded child.

And that's love, that's love for ourselves,

and also love for other people too.

So thank you for your question.

Thank you, just to add a little bit from
the brothers who live with Scott.

How many years you've been here?
You like part of Plum Village now, ay?

Yeah, five. It's like the old trees
going up around here now.

It'll be hard for us to say good bye when you
decide to move on to explore other things.

We do talk about you, the brothers,
and how much you have transformed.

You look very beautiful, your body,

has transformed. I don't know, the
brothers are like, "Is that Scott?!"

I don't know if you've looked in the mirror
lately, but you look very different.

When Scott first came here, he was a different shape.

How to say, sorry to put you on the
spot, but you know,

he's been through a
beautiful transformation process.

When Scott first came here,
he really wanted us to accept him.

But we told him, you have
to accept yourself first.

This is one beautiful transformation,

he's come to that level where
he's accepted himself.

And you can see it, because your body
changes when your mind changes.

Now, he's not needy anymore.

Scott, your energy is very positive.

Your outlook, we actually see
you helping a lot of people.

So you have to retell new story,
you're holding onto an old story.

You're not just a wounded child,
but you are your mother.

You see, now you're taking care of other
people like your mother would want you to.

And people feel that connection.
All the () come here,

they all go through either Scott, Mark,
Connor, all the () that live up here

he take care of them like an
older brother and sister.

And this is something that we want
to express our gratitude to you,

Scott, for hanging out with us when we
made a hard decision on you,

and you said, "I'm gonna stick it here."

You didn't leave. You see,
that is powerful.

Usually when you get rejected by the
monastic, people leave, they [groveling]

but you said, "I'm staying, I'm going
for the long-term program."

And the brothers are like, "Really?"

And then you stick around, you're here
more than some of the monks.

So the way you are doing the monastic life,

you train your mind, you transform yourself,

so the story you told me, is one story.
I could've told it differently.

You are now your mother, and
you're living your life for her.

She is alive in you, and you're loving
people like your mother would love you.

You see, that's another story.

So when you say goodbye to them,
it's like your mother

saying goodbye to her
teenage child to college.

Have a good life, I'm so happy you've
been here for one week,

and you've touched deeply. See,
this is another story right.

When you say goodbye to them, you say-

In my mind, when I say goodbye to people,
I send them off like that, like "Wow,

thank you for being with us, please pass
it on. Be our fingers and go out there

and help other people touch love, touch
goodness, touch wholesomeness.

So you have also the energy of your
mother inside, not just the child.

Yes, you are her child, you are your
grandchild, but you are also your mother,

your grandmother, your great
great grandmother.

So you have to rely on these seeds,
they're all in your self.

You can feel it in your hands, your
hands is your mother's hands.

And everything you do from now on, you
need to train, to tell another story.

Yes, the story of the wounded child is there,
but you have another story to develop,

and make it a beautiful story.

Work in the Happy Farm, be in touch
with the children that come down there

and you share with them, look, when
you pick up a potato for them,

do it with your mother's hand.
So that's your new training, okay?

Every one of us have a story
and we get stuck with it,

and we keep telling it.
Tell different angles of it,

tell a story where you are your mother, tell a
story where you are your father,

tell a story that you are the planet
earth. You're not just human,

you're the planet earth.

Now you working in the happy farm,
you need to train to be mother earth.

And mother earth is the
greatest mother of all,

and every day you're on
your knees doing stuff,

you have to do it for the mother energy,
the healing energy that we all need.

And you're offering it, this is
why it is hard for you,

because people really love you, right?

But as a practitioner, you have
to see that they are you.

They are leaving, and they are an
extension of you. None-self.

So you train. This requires training
because we are attached to 'me',

you have to begin to train like that. Imagine
how many people we have to say goodbye to

every retreat, every [gibberish].

This is how we train, so please take
refuge in all the mothers inside you

and look at the people leaving
as your mother's child.

And I think we have a
lot of confidence in you.

I hope you never leave. It will be hard
for us to say goodbye to you.

Sorry, a little attachment is okay.

Thank you, Scott, for being
a beautiful person.