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Our main story tonight
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is government surveillance.
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And I realize most people
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would rather have a conversation
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about literally any other topic.
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Including: 'Is my smartphone
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giving me cancer?
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To which the answer is: probably.
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Or: Do goldfish suffer from depression?
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To which the answer is:
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Yes, but very briefly.
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But the fact is, it is vital that we
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have a discussion about this now.
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Because an important date is just around the corner.
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"One big day to circle on the calendar,
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when it comes to a very controversial subject.
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The re-authorization of the Patriot Act,
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and all of the controversial
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provisions therein.
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June 1 they've got to come to an agreement
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to re-authorize or curttail those programs.
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Yes. Some controversial provisions within
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the Patriot Act are to expire on June 1.
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So circle that date
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on your calendars, everyone.
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And while you're at it:
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Circle June 2 as well.
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Because that's Justin Long's birthday.
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You all forgot last year...
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and he f*cking noticed.
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Now, over the last couple of years,
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you've probably heard a lot about
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strange-sounding programs. Such as:
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X-Keyscore, Muscular, Prism, and Mystic.
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Which are, coincidentally, also the names
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of some of Florida's least popular
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stripclubs.
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"Welcome to X-Keyscore!
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Our dancers are fully un-redacted
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and Tuesday is wing-night!"
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But if you don't mind, I would like to
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refresh your memory over some of this.
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And let's start our focussing on the most
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controversial portion of the Patriot Act,
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that is up for renewal. Section 215.
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Which, I'm aware, sounds like the name
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of an Eastern European boy-band.
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"We are Section 215.
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Prepare to have your hearts...
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throbbed."
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There's the cute one, the bad-boy,
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the one who strangled a potato-farmer,
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and the one without an eye-deficiency.
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They're incredible.
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But the contentst of the real Section 215
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is actually even more sinister.
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It's called Section 215.
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Nicknamed: the library records provision.
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Which allows the Government to require
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businesses to hand over records of any
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"any tangible things"
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including: books, records, documents,
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and other items.
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If that sounds broad, that's because
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it was very much written that way.
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Section 215 says the Government can ask
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for "any tangible things" so long as it's
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"for an investigation to protect
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against international terrorism".
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Which is basically a blank cheque.
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It's letting a teenager borrow the car,
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under the strict condition that they
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only use it for 'car-related activities'.
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"Okay, mom and dad, I'm gonna use this
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for a hand-job in the Wendy's parking lot,
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but that is car-related,
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so I think I'm covered."
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Section 215 is overseen
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by a secret intelligence-court,
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known as the Pfizer-court.
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And they've interpreted it to mean
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the Government could basically
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collect and store phone-records for
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every American.
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The vast majority of whom, of course, have
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no connection to terrorism.
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