WEBVTT

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Our main story tonight

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is government surveillance.

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And I realize most people

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would rather have a conversation

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about literally any other topic.

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Including: 'Is my smartphone

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giving me cancer?

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To which the answer is: probably.

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Or: Do goldfish suffer from depression?

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To which the answer is:

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Yes, but very briefly.

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But the fact is, it is vital that we

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have a discussion about this now.

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Because an important date is just around the corner.

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"One big day to circle on the calendar,

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when it comes to a very controversial subject.

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The re-authorization of the Patriot Act,

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and all of the controversial

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provisions therein.

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June 1 they've got to come to an agreement

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to re-authorize or curttail those programs.

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Yes. Some controversial provisions within

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the Patriot Act are to expire on June 1.

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So circle that date

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on your calendars, everyone.

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And while you're at it:

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Circle June 2 as well.

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Because that's Justin Long's birthday.

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You all forgot last year...

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and he f*cking noticed.

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Now, over the last couple of years,

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you've probably heard a lot about

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strange-sounding programs. Such as:

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X-Keyscore, Muscular, Prism, and Mystic.

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Which are, coincidentally, also the names

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of some of Florida's least popular

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stripclubs.

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"Welcome to X-Keyscore!

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Our dancers are fully un-redacted

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and Tuesday is wing-night!"

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But if you don't mind, I would like to

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refresh your memory over some of this.

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And let's start our focussing on the most

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controversial portion of the Patriot Act,

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that is up for renewal. Section 215.

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Which, I'm aware, sounds like the name

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of an Eastern European boy-band.

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"We are Section 215.

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Prepare to have your hearts...

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throbbed."

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There's the cute one, the bad-boy,

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the one who strangled a potato-farmer,

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and the one without an eye-deficiency.

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They're incredible.

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But the contentst of the real Section 215

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is actually even more sinister.

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It's called Section 215.

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Nicknamed: the library records provision.

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Which allows the Government to require

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businesses to hand over records of any

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"any tangible things"

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including: books, records, documents,

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and other items.

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If that sounds broad, that's because

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it was very much written that way.

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Section 215 says the Government can ask

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for "any tangible things" so long as it's

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"for an investigation to protect

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against international terrorism".

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Which is basically a blank cheque.

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It's letting a teenager borrow the car,

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under the strict condition that they

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only use it for 'car-related activities'.

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"Okay, mom and dad, I'm gonna use this

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for a hand-job in the Wendy's parking lot,

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but that is car-related,

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so I think I'm covered."

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Section 215 is overseen

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by a secret intelligence-court,

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known as the Pfizer-court.

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And they've interpreted it to mean

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the Government could basically

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collect and store phone-records for

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every American.

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The vast majority of whom, of course, have

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no connection to terrorism.