Our main story tonight

is government surveillance.

And I realize most people

would rather have a conversation

about literally any other topic.

Including: 'Is my smartphone

giving me cancer?

To which the answer is: probably.

Or: Do goldfish suffer from depression?

To which the answer is:

Yes, but very briefly.

But the fact is, it is vital that we

have a discussion about this now.

Because an important date is just around the corner.

"One big day to circle on the calendar,

when it comes to a very controversial subject.

The re-authorization of the Patriot Act,

and all of the controversial

provisions therein.

June 1 they've got to come to an agreement

to re-authorize or curttail those programs.

Yes. Some controversial provisions within

the Patriot Act are to expire on June 1.

So circle that date

on your calendars, everyone.

And while you're at it:

Circle June 2 as well.

Because that's Justin Long's birthday.

You all forgot last year...

and he f*cking noticed.

Now, over the last couple of years,

you've probably heard a lot about

strange-sounding programs. Such as:

X-Keyscore, Muscular, Prism, and Mystic.

Which are, coincidentally, also the names

of some of Florida's least popular

stripclubs.

"Welcome to X-Keyscore!

Our dancers are fully un-redacted

and Tuesday is wing-night!"

But if you don't mind, I would like to

refresh your memory over some of this.

And let's start our focussing on the most

controversial portion of the Patriot Act,

that is up for renewal. Section 215.

Which, I'm aware, sounds like the name

of an Eastern European boy-band.

"We are Section 215.

Prepare to have your hearts...

throbbed."

There's the cute one, the bad-boy,

the one who strangled a potato-farmer,

and the one without an eye-deficiency.

They're incredible.

But the contentst of the real Section 215

is actually even more sinister.

It's called Section 215.

Nicknamed: the library records provision.

Which allows the Government to require

businesses to hand over records of any

"any tangible things"

including: books, records, documents,

and other items.

If that sounds broad, that's because

it was very much written that way.

Section 215 says the Government can ask

for "any tangible things" so long as it's

"for an investigation to protect

against international terrorism".

Which is basically a blank cheque.

It's letting a teenager borrow the car,

under the strict condition that they

only use it for 'car-related activities'.

"Okay, mom and dad, I'm gonna use this

for a hand-job in the Wendy's parking lot,

but that is car-related,

so I think I'm covered."

Section 215 is overseen

by a secret intelligence-court,

known as the Pfizer-court.

And they've interpreted it to mean

the Government could basically

collect and store phone-records for

every American.

The vast majority of whom, of course, have

no connection to terrorism.