Our main story tonight
is government surveillance.
And I realize most people
would rather have a conversation
about literally any other topic.
Including: 'Is my smartphone
giving me cancer?
To which the answer is: probably.
Or: Do goldfish suffer from depression?
To which the answer is:
Yes, but very briefly.
But the fact is, it is vital that we
have a discussion about this now.
Because an important date is just around the corner.
"One big day to circle on the calendar,
when it comes to a very controversial subject.
The re-authorization of the Patriot Act,
and all of the controversial
provisions therein.
June 1 they've got to come to an agreement
to re-authorize or curttail those programs.
Yes. Some controversial provisions within
the Patriot Act are to expire on June 1.
So circle that date
on your calendars, everyone.
And while you're at it:
Circle June 2 as well.
Because that's Justin Long's birthday.
You all forgot last year...
and he f*cking noticed.
Now, over the last couple of years,
you've probably heard a lot about
strange-sounding programs. Such as:
X-Keyscore, Muscular, Prism, and Mystic.
Which are, coincidentally, also the names
of some of Florida's least popular
stripclubs.
"Welcome to X-Keyscore!
Our dancers are fully un-redacted
and Tuesday is wing-night!"
But if you don't mind, I would like to
refresh your memory over some of this.
And let's start our focussing on the most
controversial portion of the Patriot Act,
that is up for renewal. Section 215.
Which, I'm aware, sounds like the name
of an Eastern European boy-band.
"We are Section 215.
Prepare to have your hearts...
throbbed."
There's the cute one, the bad-boy,
the one who strangled a potato-farmer,
and the one without an eye-deficiency.
They're incredible.
But the contentst of the real Section 215
is actually even more sinister.
It's called Section 215.
Nicknamed: the library records provision.
Which allows the Government to require
businesses to hand over records of any
"any tangible things"
including: books, records, documents,
and other items.
If that sounds broad, that's because
it was very much written that way.
Section 215 says the Government can ask
for "any tangible things" so long as it's
"for an investigation to protect
against international terrorism".
Which is basically a blank cheque.
It's letting a teenager borrow the car,
under the strict condition that they
only use it for 'car-related activities'.
"Okay, mom and dad, I'm gonna use this
for a hand-job in the Wendy's parking lot,
but that is car-related,
so I think I'm covered."
Section 215 is overseen
by a secret intelligence-court,
known as the Pfizer-court.
And they've interpreted it to mean
the Government could basically
collect and store phone-records for
every American.
The vast majority of whom, of course, have
no connection to terrorism.