WHO'S ON FIRST? (The Definitive Version) - Abbott and Costello

[Circus music]

[Applause]

We are organizing a baseball team

here at the Retired Actors' Home.

I am the manager. Now...

You're going to be the manager

of the Retired Actors'
baseball team?

Yes.

I would like to join
the Retired Actors' baseball team.

Oh, you would?

I would like to know
some of the guys' names

on the team, so if I want to
play with them, I know them.

If I meet them on the street,
I can say "Hello" to them.

Oh. Sure.

But you know, they give baseball
players nowadays,

very peculiar names.

Oh? A lot of funny names.

You know, like "Stinky Fields."

"Goofy Dan."

"Boobie Barber."

[Laughs]

On our team, we have:

"Who" is on first,

"What" is on second,

"I don't know" is on third.

That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.

Huh?

That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.

I'm telling you.

"Who" is on first, "What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.

Abbott, you gonna be the manager
of the baseball team?

Yes.

You know the guys' names?

Why, sure.

Well, you tell me the guys' names
on the baseball team.

I say: "Who" is on first,

"What" is on second,

"I don't know" is on third.

You ain't said nothing to me yet.

Go ahead and tell me.

I'm telling him. Look.

Tell me.

"Who" Is on first,

"What" is on second.

"I don't know" is on third.

You know the guys' names
on the baseball team?

Yes.

Go ahead. Who's on first?

Yes.

I mean, the guy's name.

"Who."

The guy playing first.

"Who."

The guy playing first base.

"Who!"

The guy on first base.

"Who" is on first.

What are you asking me for?!
I don't know!

Wait, I'm not...

I'm asking YOU who is on first.

That is his name.

Go ahead and tell me.

"Who."

The guy on first.

That's it.

That's his name!

You ain't said nothing.
I ain't asked you nothing.

Yes you did.

You know the guy's name
on first base?

Sure.

Tell me the guy's name
on first base.

"Who."

The guy playing first base.

"Who" is on first, Lou.

What are ya asking me for?!

Now, don't get excited.
I'm saying "Who..."

I'm asking you a simple question:
Who is on first?

Yes.

Well go ahead and tell me.

That's it.

That's who?

Yes.

I'm asking you. What is the guy's name
on first base?

No, "What" is on second.

I'm not asking you who is on second.

"Who" is on first.

One base at a time, now!

Don't mix up my players.

I'm not mixing up anybody.

Now, what's the guy's name
on first base?

No, "What" is on second.

I'm not asking you who
is on second!

"Who" is on first.

I don't know.

He is on third.

Wait a minute. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How did I get on third base?

You mentioned his name.

I mentioned his name?

Yes.

I don't know anybody's name
on the team.

How could I mention
the guy's name?

You did. You just mentioned it.

All right. What is the guy's name
on third base?

No. "What" is on second.

Who is on second?

"Who" is in first.

I don't know.

He's on third.

I didn't even mention
the guy's name on third base!

Yes you did, Lou.

All right. Then, who is playing
third base?

No, "Who" is on first.

I'm not asking you
what is on first.

"What" is on second.

Who is on second?

"Who" is on first.

I don't know.

[Both] Third base.

I don't know anybody
on the baseball team.

You do.

You mentioned their names.

I do?

Sure.

You got an outfield?

Naturally.

The left fielder's name?

"Why."

[Laughter]

I just thought I'd ask.

I thought I'd tell you.

Go ahead. Tell me.

Tell you what?

The left fielder's name.

"Why."

Because I want to know!

Because!

Oh, he's center field.

You know these players.

Who is in center field?

No, "Who" is on first.

What's on first?

"What" is on second.

I don't know.

[Both] Third base.

Do you know the guys' names
on the team?

You don't seem to understand.

See, I have a first baseman...

I know. I asked what's
the first baseman's name?

No. "What" is the
second baseman's name.

I asked you: What is the
first baseman's name?

"What" is the second
baseman's name.

I don't even get past
the first...

All right. Who is on second?

"Who" is on first.

What base do you want
to talk about?!

You talk about any one
you want.

All right. Now. Who is on first.

Right.

Okay. [Splutters]

Now...stop that.

All right. You got a first baseman.

Yes.

When you pay the first baseman
every month,

who gets the money?

Every dollar of it.

Who gets it?

He does.

Sometimes, his wife comes down,
and collects it.

Whose wife?

Yes.

Why not, Lou? He's earned it.

Who did?

Yes.

When you pay the first baseman
every month,

you get a receipt from the guy?

Sure.

How does he sign his name?

"Who."

The guy you give the money to.

"Who."

The guy you give the money to.

Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.

That's how who signs it?

Yes.

Go on and tell me.

That's it.

Who?

Right.

Look: You go to the first baseman.

Yes.

You tell him: "Here is your money.
Sign the receipt."

How does he sign his name?

"Who."

The guy you give the money to.

That's how he signs it.

That's how who signs it?

Yes.

Sure.

He... [Splutters]

You gotta get a receipt, don't you?

I get one, Lou.

How does the guy on first base
sign his name?

"WHO."

The guy on first.

That's how he signs it.

I'm asking you: What's the
guy's name you give the money to?

No, wait. "What" signs his own.

Who signs his own?

No, "Who" signs his.

What's the guy's name on first...

"What" is on second base.

I'm not asking you who is on second.

"Who" is on first.

I don't know.

[Both] Third base.

[Laughter]

The left fielder's name,
the center fielder...

You got a pitcher on the team?

It would be a fine team
without a pitcher.

It's a fine team anyway.

The pitcher's name?

"Tomorrow."

Eh.

I can't change their names!

You don't want to tell me the name?

I'm telling you.

Go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name.

"Tomorrow."

Why not tell me today?!
I don't want to wait til tomorrow!

I'm telling you now.

Tell me the pitcher's name.

"Tomorrow!"

All right. What time tomorrow
will you tell me the pitcher's name?

What time, what?

What time tomorrow will you
tell me who is pitching?

"Who" is not pitching.

I'll break your arm!

I want to know what
is the pitcher's name.

"What" is on second.

I don't know.

Third base! Third base!
Third base.

You got a catcher?

Certainly, you have a catcher
on a baseball team.

Catcher's name?

"Today."

Today. Tomorrow is pitching.
Today is catching.

Now you've got it!

Now I got it?

All I got: We got a couple of
days on the team.

I can't help that, Lou.
I don't name them.

I'm a pretty good catcher, myself.

So they tell me.

When I get behind the plate,
I'm going to do some catching.

Tomorrow is pitching
on my team, right?

Yeah.

Now Tomorrow, he winds up
the ball.

I'm behind the plate,
and a heavy hitter gets up.

Now the heavy hitter
is ready to hit the ball,

Tomorrow is going to
throw the ball,

and I'm the catcher.