Are You a Friend or a Foe Under the Guise of a Friend?

Sometimes we may see it as a duty to keep our friends in check. This arises especially when our friends have power. When power is involved and we fear power, we may feel the need to play devils advocate. This episode explains how we may be in a negative power dynamic ourselves and seeking to take our friend down, rather than assisting them to become aware.

Video References

Overlay: 3:28
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSrlfxcEULo

Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries):16:03
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnKU-hL2Uag&t=438s

How to Be Authentic: 16:10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgWBIVQ1qAQ&t=244s

People Are Not All Equal: 16:10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5DcOgya3bE

What is Love: 17:37
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L39DzzsixRQ Subscribe to Receive a New Video Every Saturday: http://bit.ly/SubTealSwan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teal Swan is a revolutionary for personal transformation and is one of the Most Spiritually Influential Living People in the world. As a renowned author, speaker and social media star, she travels the world teaching self-development and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daily Updates, Monthly Online Synchronization Workshops & More: http://bit.ly/TealSwanPremium

Website: https://www.tealswan.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tealswanofficial/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tealswanofficial/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/realtealswan

Meditations, Books, Merchandise & Frequency Paintings:
https://tealswan.com/shop

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beginning Song:
Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel
http://www.sacreddream.com

Ending Song:
Our Game: YAIMA
https://open.spotify.com/search/resul...
www.yaimamusic.com

Help us caption & translate this video!
http://amara.org/v/9Hq9/

As you probably already know by now,

people can have all kinds
of subconscious patterns

that they are completely unaware of.

In fact, the subconscious mind

can completely contradict
the conscious mind.

For example, we may say something like:

"You know I totally love helping people."

But actually down deep

the truth is we don't really
like helping people at all.

in fact, we just do it for
a sense of appreciation

and guaranteed alliance and
if we don't get those things

we regret helping in the first place.

Another example is,

we may have suppressed
our anger a long time ago

and as a result, even though
we may be very angry,

we don't even feel the anger.

In fact, we relate to ourselves
only as a really peaceful person.

I know you've met people like that before.

Now, one of these subconscious patterns

that plays out in our lives,
plays out in relationships.

And if this pattern isn't
seen directly and resolved,

it can ruin a relationship.

Are You a Friend or a Foe
Under the Guise of a Friend?

The pattern that makes you
a foe on a subconscious level

is needing to be the one

to reflect someone's shadows to someone.

Or needing to be the one

who calls them out or can call them out.

Obviously being in this
position in somebody's life

is a rather empowering position.

It's a position that gives
you a lot of pride.

It's tempting to think that
this is a loving position

to hold in somebody else's life.

When in fact,

there can be and often are

deep, deep shadows involved in why

you want to occupy that
space in someone's life.

And what you're getting out of it.

People in the awareness community

see "shadow" as two different things.

Basically, they're using the same
word for two different things.

The first is:

What someone is unconscious of.

The second is:

Something about a person
that is out of alignment

or bad or wrong.

If I had my way,

we would no longer be
using the same term

for both of these states.

Because,

the shadow is what you're
unconscious of right?

Once you become conscious of it,

we can no longer call it a shadow.

So what are we really talking about

when we're referring to something
about a person that's out of alignment

bad or wrong according to our judgment?

Obviously anytime we have a
judgment we need to question it.

That being said,

sometimes you can accurately feel
the "offness" of certain patterns

within yourself or others.

Meaning that something a person
is thinking saying or doing

is not in alignment with
their desires, well-being

and perhaps the well-being of others.

This pattern of being out of alignment

in some way,

is what many people call the shadow.

But what I would prefer
is if we called this:

"Someone's Misalignment"

What we have to consider
is that the reason

that we perceive something to
be "off" about somebody else

may actually be because of
something that is "off" about us.

So often when we see something

that is bad wrong or out of alignment

with somebody else,

what's actually happening there

is that they are out of alignment
with what we want for them.

But here's the thing,

our desires for what we want for somebody

are so often because of what
we want for ourselves.

So it really has nothing to
do with that other person.

A better way of putting this is that

we run the risk of thinking
that somebody else is

misaligned

in conditions when actually
what their misaligned with,

is not their own desires
and their own needs

and their own well-being,

but actually our overlay.

To understand this in depth,
watch my video titled:

OVERLAY (What Prevents You
From Having a Real Relationship)

When it comes to this particular pattern

that I'm going to talk about today,

it is you that is actually in
a state of misalignment

looking at somebody else

in terms of their misalignment.

It is obvious that if
people are close to us

they may perceive things about
us that we're not aware of.

They may see where we are misaligned.

When a person in our life really loves us

the energy behind them making us
aware of these things is an assist.

It feels pure because there's no
subconscious strategy on their end.

But if there is a subconscious
strategy behind this reflection,

no matter how much the person
thinks they're telling us

what they're telling
us for our own good,

it will feel like they're taking
something away from us

instead of adding to our
well-being by assisting us.

Taking pride in or being identified with

being the one in someone's life that
can reflect their shadow to them,

being the one who calls
them on their shit,

feels bad, because it's
actually a power play.

Inherent in it is the energy of:

"I challenge and oppose you"

instead of: "I assist you".

If you have this particular
"shadow" about yourself,

this identification with
being this person

in somebody else's life, the truth,

down deep at the core,
is that you don't trust anyone.

You've slipped into the
illusion of self and other.

You're not practicing love because

you do not actually see the other
person as a part of yourself.

Therefore what you can't
see about yourself

is that you call people on
their shadows out of fear.

It's all about your
sense of well-being,

rather than it is about the
well-being of the person

you're trying to reflect something to.

Another harsh reality
you have to accept

is that if this is the role
you're identified with,

being in other people's lives or
specifically in one person's life,

the person you're doing that with,

you don't actually see is a good person.

You don't actually trust them.

Basically, you see them as the bad guy.

Whether you are willing
to admit to it or not.

You distrust their capacity
to see themselves,

you distrust their internal compass

and you distrust them with yourself
and distress them with others.

And so on a subconscious level,

you try to use their
vulnerability against them

for the sake of your own safety.

In that moment where
you're able to see

and show them something about
themselves that they don't see,

in that second,

you actually feel safer than ever,

because you feel the safety inherent

in that win

of superiority.

You have won up them.

When this pattern becomes even unhealthier

is when people use this pattern

to create endearment with someone.

The way that they do this

is by convincing the other person

that they are the only ones

that can truly see them.

"I'm the only one that can
really see your shadow

and you've got to keep me
around because I'm the one

that calls you on your bullshit."

Sounds loving right?

It's not.

It means you see yourself
as indispensable to them.

And then try to convince them
that you're indispensable

and that they must defer
to your judgment.

Specifically because no-one else
is as good at seeing their shadow

and therefore no one
else can really see them

as clearly as you can.

This isolates them.

Their health and well-being now
depends on keeping you around

to see the bad and wrong
things about them,

that they cannot see about themselves.

The underlying message here
that's being conveyed is:

"I'm the one that really sees you

and it just so happens
that it's not so good."

If you're one of the people who
establishes this type of pattern

in relationships the truth is
you don't actually see them.

At all!

What you do see,

is every pattern within them that
could potentially pose a threat to you.

This conscious pattern

is much easier to see in circumstances

where you have a person who's
in a position of recognized power.

Now if in your childhood especially

or some point in your life,

you were put in the position
where someone else had power.

And based on them having
more power than you had,

you got hurt.

Power in and of itself

is going to be a trigger for you.

Essentially what I need you
to recognize about yourself,

if you're in this pattern, is that
you don't recognize power

as a good thing ever.

It's only ever a bad thing.

This means that all it takes for
you to see somebody as a bad guy

and to get into this pattern with them,

is for them to have more power than you.

For them to be an achiever.

For them to be a boss.

For them to be an authority.

For them to be an expert.

For them to be more of anything.

More beautiful more wealthy more famous.

Anything that makes you perceive
that they hold more power,

kicks you into this place

where you see them as the bad guy.

And thus, react as if they are.

A person is going to react to
this if they have this pattern,

in one of two ways;

Either they are going to be so preoccupied

with being the one in
power in all situations,

meaning: "I always have
to have the upper hand",

or they're going to be a person
who makes such an enemy

of power,

that it becomes their,

let's call it, calling in life,

to demolish power and
to establish an egalitarian

type of regime.

Basically, they'll want to live in a place

where hierarchy does not exist
and everyone's equal at all times.

No one ever has power over anyone else.

I can personally attest to this pattern,

I see it almost every day in my career.

The reason is,

obviously, in the world,

based off of my purpose and career

I've been put in a position

where I have both power and authority

relative to awareness

and relative to seeing things.

Especially shadows.

Now obviously, for people
who are triggered by this

there's nothing more alluring
than seeing things about me

that I don't see about myself.

There is no more superior position

you can have with someone
in my particular position

than to be the one who sees the
shadows of the shadow seer.

Or to be the one that is more aware
than the awareness leader.

People with this shadow

use two excuses,

mainly, in order to defend or justify

this unhealthy pattern within themselves.

The first is,

it's easy to see things about other people

and it's not easy to see
things about yourself.

In other words, you can't
see your own shit.

Now, what's interesting about this

is they're taking a universal truth,

which is it's much easier to see
things about other people

than it is to see about yourself,

to justify this behavior.

The other excuse that people use

or proof people find to back up this,

or justify this behavior,

is: "Just take a look at history."

Again, they're using a truth

to back up unhealthy behavior.

And that truth is:

that they can look all
throughout history

at people who have had power,

who have turned into Tyrants

based off of not being
able to see themselves.

People with this shadow

hate "Yes People"

and perceived these historical tyrants

to have been surrounded by "Yes People".

"Yes People" of course being people
who never oppose the tyrant

and therefore enable horrible things.

But here's where I'm going
to take this resistance

that you have towards these
types of people in history

and drop it down a level.

The real anger

that people with this pattern
have towards "Yes People"

is actually the anger that they had

towards the person in their life

that enabled

the tyrant in their life

that used their power against them,

to do what they did.

Essentially it's their pain
at never being defended

in case you want to look into this,
It's called bystander trauma

or enabling trauma.

Due to all this pattern

that I've just exposed to you,

people with this pattern,

tend to play the devil's advocate.

Like, all the time.

Playing the devil's advocate
in the scenario

is an attempt to get
someone they already see

as the bad guy in a
position of power,

to consider the other which they
perceived to be the underdog.

Because they're identified
with the underdog.

What they're defending
through Devils Advocacy

is really the disempowered
part of themselves.

Essentially they try to keep
you both safe and good

by knocking you down,
so you never have power.

It may be interesting for you to note

something about this pattern
of devil's advocacy,

if you know people in your life
who like to play this pattern out

and tend to always play
the devil's advocate.

I'm going to tell you a little bit
about the psychology here

and I hope I can describe it in
a way that you understand it.

People who play devil's advocate,

tend to feel when someone's upset,

that the person on the
other side of that upset

is going to get hurt.

Now when they perceive that
that person is going to get hurt,

that makes them

suddenly the perceived victim

and thus the perceived underdog.

Because they see themselves
as the underdog

and that's actually
where they identify,

they will then go into a position

of having to defend that person.

So their alliance

will be with the person

whoever they're talking to, is upset at.

Now, the reason that it's super confusing

why the hell does this person
defend that person

then 10 seconds later
defend the other person is

they would do the same
thing on the other side.

If they were standing
next to that person

and they were upset at you,
suddenly the upset suggests

you could get hurt,

the fact that you could get hurt

means you're now the underdog they
identify with you and they play

the devil's advocate to that person.

Okay, so basically to
summarize it very simply

the minute someone could get hurt

they become the underdog,

the one that could get hurt

and thus this makes the
person identify with them

and argue on behalf of them.

Again, they will subconsciously
be defending themselves

and their position of perceived
powerlessness vicariously.

And now, just when you thought we had

dug as deep as we could,

we're gonna have to go one layer deeper.

~ Laughter ~

When a child is put in the position

where somebody in their life

has this power and it's using
this power against them,

and it becomes an unsafe or
perceived to be unsafe situation,

the child copes with this by
letting go of their identity.

They become whatever pleases

this tyrant of a powerful adult.

Now obviously when they have
to give themselves up in this way,

they're not happy about it.

Often when they begin to
heal out of this pattern,

instead of focusing on what they want

and what their feelings are

and what they're thinking and
going after their unique desires,

they turn against

anyone in a position of power.

Basically,

rebellion is their only way
to feel a sense of self.

They can only feel definition

for who they are and what they
want and don't want and whatever,

when they're in opposition to something.

This means antagonism is their only way

to feel a sense of self.

So let's pretend you've watch this video

and you can recognize this
particular pattern within yourself.

I'm gonna give you some suggestions
for what you need to do.

The first thing;

Stop being concerned with whether or not

somebody can see their
own shadows in general.

If you're in this pattern,

what you have to recognize is you

don't actually trust the person
on the other side of this.

Obviously, the focus then
needs to be placed on:

"Why don't I trust this person?"

"How do I trust this person?"

"Is this person really unworthy of trust?"

"Or is it me that's just
projecting that on to them

based off of my previous experiences?"

The real thing you need

is not for them to see their shadow,

it's for you to have more personal power.

And in this situation you're
powerless to your own shadow.

One thing you need to see is that
power was never the problem.

I mean never ever the problem.

Power doesn't corrupt.

Even though you've been told that.

Even though it seems like that's
the way that the world works.

Power doesn't corrupt.

All power does, is it magnifies
someone's actual character.

It just becomes more

of what a person already is.

Right?

So I want you to think about power

as if it's fire.

A person could possess a lot of fire,

but obviously if that person
wants to hurt someone,

they're gonna do something
different with that fire

than somebody who wants
to make people feel good.

So it's not about power.

It's about the person who holds it,

and what their whole MO is.

Perhaps the most important and
critical thing for you to be doing

is to focus on developing

a healthy and a strong sense of self.

For this reason,

I have a few videos

that will help you immensely,

if you have this pattern.

The first is:

Personal Boundaries versus Oneness
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)

The second is:

How To Be Authentic

and the third is:

People Are Not All Equal

The next thing is,

we have to try to really fully
understand something

that someone is doing and
understand that person,

before we automatically
judge it as bad or wrong

or out of alignment or shadow.

It's only after we face our
own resistance to things

that the truth about that
thing can finally emerge.

For example,

let's say that we have a lot of...

Judgement about dressing sexy.

It's out of alignment

with who that person should be.

You can't actually know that

until you face your own
resistance to dressing sexy.

1) "Where did I get the idea
that this isn't Okay?"

2) "Why do I feel it isn't Okay?"

Facing the emotions,

that reaction I have to it.

It's only by facing your resistance

that the actual truth about
dressing sexy, in this case,

will rise to the surface.

The next thing you have
to do is to practice love.

I know that that sounds like a new-age

kind of a fairy tallish way
of approaching the world.

~ Giggles ~

But here's the thing;

To love somebody is to take
them as a part of yourself.

Now if you really understand those words,

I mean at a visceral level,

you will see that it is probably
the most difficult practice

you could ever do.

Ever!

What practicing love does

is it demolishes power dynamics.

To understand more about this,

you can feel free to
watch my video titled:

What is Love?

When you are actually
in the practice of love,

the reflections you give someone,

if you show them someplace that
you feel like they're misaligned,

the energy you will be doing this with

is not against them.

It's gonna be for them.

And there's no way to fake this.

If you are doing something

for all of these subconscious
reasons that I've just explained,

as part of this shadow,

it doesn't matter if you say
that it's for someone

or if you even think it's for them.

It will be completely obvious,

because of the energy behind it,

that it isn't.

In other words, it's important to realize

that we can be in complete denial,

telling ourselves that
something is for someone,

when it's really against them.

Also, we can be in
complete and total denial

that we are doing something for
the best interest of someone else,

when really the only
reason we're doing it

is for our own best interests.

When someone does present
an opposing opinion

or show someone their shadows
from outside that shadow,

the flavor of it changes,

from a shadow to an assist.

It doesn't register as a rebellion,

as antagonism or as a power play.

Resolve the shadow within yourself,

or else, you will be a foe not a friend.

It will be more dangerous than that,

you will be a foe in the
disguise of a friend.

And also, I want to remind you

that at this rather psychological
and basic level of conversation

that we've been having today,

the devil doesn't really
need more advocates.

Have a good week.

Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
www.tanyaduarte.com