WEBVTT

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As you probably already know by now,

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people can have all kinds 
of subconscious patterns

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that they are completely unaware of.

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In fact, the subconscious mind

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can completely contradict 
the conscious mind.

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For example, we may say something like:

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"You know I totally love helping people."

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But actually down deep

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the truth is we don't really 
like helping people at all.

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in fact, we just do it for 
a sense of appreciation

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and guaranteed alliance and 
if we don't get those things

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we regret helping in the first place.

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Another example is,

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we may have suppressed 
our anger a long time ago

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and as a result, even though 
we may be very angry,

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we don't even feel the anger.

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In fact, we relate to ourselves 
only as a really peaceful person.

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I know you've met people like that before.

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Now, one of these subconscious patterns

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that plays out in our lives,
plays out in relationships.

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And if this pattern isn't 
seen directly and resolved,

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it can ruin a relationship.

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Are You a Friend or a Foe 
Under the Guise of a Friend?

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The pattern that makes you 
a foe on a subconscious level

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is needing to be the one

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to reflect someone's shadows to someone.

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Or needing to be the one

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who calls them out or can call them out.

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Obviously being in this 
position in somebody's life

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is a rather empowering position.

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It's a position that gives 
you a lot of pride.

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It's tempting to think that 
this is a loving position

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to hold in somebody else's life.

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When in fact,

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there can be and often are

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deep, deep shadows involved in why

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you want to occupy that 
space in someone's life.

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And what you're getting out of it.

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People in the awareness community

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see "shadow" as two different things.

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Basically, they're using the same 
word for two different things.

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The first is:

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What someone is unconscious of.

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The second is:

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Something about a person 
that is out of alignment

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or bad or wrong.

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If I had my way,

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we would no longer be 
using the same term

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for both of these states.

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Because,

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the shadow is what you're
unconscious of right?

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Once you become conscious of it,

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we can no longer call it a shadow.

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So what are we really talking about

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when we're referring to something 
about a person that's out of alignment

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bad or wrong according to our judgment?

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Obviously anytime we have a 
judgment we need to question it.

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That being said,

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sometimes you can accurately feel 
the "offness" of certain patterns

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within yourself or others.

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Meaning that something a person 
is thinking saying or doing

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is not in alignment with 
their desires, well-being

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and perhaps the well-being of others.

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This pattern of being out of alignment

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in some way,

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is what many people call the shadow.

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But what I would prefer 
is if we called this:

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"Someone's Misalignment"

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What we have to consider 
is that the reason

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that we perceive something to 
be "off" about somebody else

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may actually be because of 
something that is "off" about us.

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So often when we see something

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that is bad wrong or out of alignment

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with somebody else,

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what's actually happening there

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is that they are out of alignment 
with what we want for them.

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But here's the thing,

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our desires for what we want for somebody

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are so often because of what 
we want for ourselves.

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So it really has nothing to 
do with that other person.

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A better way of putting this is that

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we run the risk of thinking 
that somebody else is

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misaligned

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in conditions when actually 
what their misaligned with,

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is not their own desires 
and their own needs

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and their own well-being,

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but actually our overlay.

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To understand this in depth, 
watch my video titled:

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OVERLAY (What Prevents You 
From Having a Real Relationship)

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When it comes to this particular pattern

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that I'm going to talk about today,

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it is you that is actually in 
a state of misalignment

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looking at somebody else

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in terms of their misalignment.

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It is obvious that if 
people are close to us

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they may perceive things about 
us that we're not aware of.

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They may see where we are misaligned.

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When a person in our life really loves us

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the energy behind them making us 
aware of these things is an assist.

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It feels pure because there's no 
subconscious strategy on their end.

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But if there is a subconscious 
strategy behind this reflection,

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no matter how much the person 
thinks they're telling us

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what they're telling 
us for our own good,

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it will feel like they're taking 
something away from us

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instead of adding to our 
well-being by assisting us.

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Taking pride in or being identified with

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being the one in someone's life that 
can reflect their shadow to them,

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being the one who calls 
them on their shit,

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feels bad, because it's 
actually a power play.

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Inherent in it is the energy of:

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"I challenge and oppose you"

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instead of: "I assist you".

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If you have this particular 
"shadow" about yourself,

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this identification with 
being this person

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in somebody else's life, the truth,

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down deep at the core, 
is that you don't trust anyone.

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You've slipped into the 
illusion of self and other.

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You're not practicing love because

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you do not actually see the other 
person as a part of yourself.

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Therefore what you can't 
see about yourself

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is that you call people on 
their shadows out of fear.

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It's all about your 
sense of well-being,

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rather than it is about the 
well-being of the person

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you're trying to reflect something to.

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Another harsh reality 
you have to accept

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is that if this is the role 
you're identified with,

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being in other people's lives or 
specifically in one person's life,

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the person you're doing that with,

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you don't actually see is a good person.

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You don't actually trust them.

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Basically, you see them as the bad guy.

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Whether you are willing 
to admit to it or not.

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You distrust their capacity 
to see themselves,

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you distrust their internal compass

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and you distrust them with yourself 
and distress them with others.

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And so on a subconscious level,

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you try to use their 
vulnerability against them

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for the sake of your own safety.

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In that moment where 
you're able to see

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and show them something about 
themselves that they don't see,

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in that second,

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you actually feel safer than ever,

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because you feel the safety inherent

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in that win

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of superiority.

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You have won up them.

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When this pattern becomes even unhealthier

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is when people use this pattern

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to create endearment with someone.

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The way that they do this

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is by convincing the other person

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that they are the only ones

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that can truly see them.

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"I'm the only one that can 
really see your shadow

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and you've got to keep me 
around because I'm the one

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that calls you on your bullshit."

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Sounds loving right?

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It's not.

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It means you see yourself 
as indispensable to them.

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And then try to convince them 
that you're indispensable

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and that they must defer 
to your judgment.

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Specifically because no-one else 
is as good at seeing their shadow

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and therefore no one 
else can really see them

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as clearly as you can.

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This isolates them.

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Their health and well-being now 
depends on keeping you around

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to see the bad and wrong 
things about them,

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that they cannot see about themselves.

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The underlying message here 
that's being conveyed is:

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"I'm the one that really sees you

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and it just so happens 
that it's not so good."

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If you're one of the people who 
establishes this type of pattern

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in relationships the truth is 
you don't actually see them.

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At all!

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What you do see,

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is every pattern within them that 
could potentially pose a threat to you.

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This conscious pattern

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is much easier to see in circumstances

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where you have a person who's 
in a position of recognized power.

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Now if in your childhood especially

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or some point in your life,

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you were put in the position 
where someone else had power.

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And based on them having 
more power than you had,

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you got hurt.

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Power in and of itself

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is going to be a trigger for you.

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Essentially what I need you 
to recognize about yourself,

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if you're in this pattern, is that 
you don't recognize power

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as a good thing ever.

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It's only ever a bad thing.

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This means that all it takes for 
you to see somebody as a bad guy

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and to get into this pattern with them,

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is for them to have more power than you.

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For them to be an achiever.

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For them to be a boss.

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For them to be an authority.

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For them to be an expert.

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For them to be more of anything.

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More beautiful more wealthy more famous.

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Anything that makes you perceive 
that they hold more power,

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kicks you into this place

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where you see them as the bad guy.

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And thus, react as if they are.

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A person is going to react to 
this if they have this pattern,

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in one of two ways;

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Either they are going to be so preoccupied

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with being the one in 
power in all situations,

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meaning: "I always have 
to have the upper hand",

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or they're going to be a person 
who makes such an enemy

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of power,

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that it becomes their,

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let's call it, calling in life,

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to demolish power and 
to establish an egalitarian

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type of regime.

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Basically, they'll want to live in a place

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where hierarchy does not exist 
and everyone's equal at all times.

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No one ever has power over anyone else.

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I can personally attest to this pattern,

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I see it almost every day in my career.

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The reason is,

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obviously, in the world,

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based off of my purpose and career

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I've been put in a position

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where I have both power and authority

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relative to awareness

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and relative to seeing things.

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Especially shadows.

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Now obviously, for people 
who are triggered by this

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there's nothing more alluring 
than seeing things about me

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that I don't see about myself.

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There is no more superior position

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you can have with someone 
in my particular position

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than to be the one who sees the 
shadows of the shadow seer.

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Or to be the one that is more aware 
than the awareness leader.

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People with this shadow

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use two excuses,

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mainly, in order to defend or justify

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this unhealthy pattern within themselves.

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The first is,

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it's easy to see things about other people

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and it's not easy to see 
things about yourself.

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In other words, you can't 
see your own shit.

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Now, what's interesting about this

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is they're taking a universal truth,

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which is it's much easier to see 
things about other people

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than it is to see about yourself,

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to justify this behavior.

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The other excuse that people use

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or proof people find to back up this,

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or justify this behavior,

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is: "Just take a look at history."

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Again, they're using a truth

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to back up unhealthy behavior.

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And that truth is:

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that they can look all 
throughout history

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at people who have had power,

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who have turned into Tyrants

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based off of not being 
able to see themselves.

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People with this shadow

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hate "Yes People"

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and perceived these historical tyrants

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to have been surrounded by "Yes People".

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"Yes People" of course being people 
who never oppose the tyrant

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and therefore enable horrible things.

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But here's where I'm going 
to take this resistance

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that you have towards these 
types of people in history

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and drop it down a level.

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The real anger

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that people with this pattern 
have towards "Yes People"

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is actually the anger that they had

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towards the person in their life

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that enabled

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the tyrant in their life

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that used their power against them,

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to do what they did.

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Essentially it's their pain
at never being defended

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in case you want to look into this, 
It's called bystander trauma

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or enabling trauma.

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Due to all this pattern

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that I've just exposed to you,

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people with this pattern,

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tend to play the devil's advocate.

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Like, all the time.

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Playing the devil's advocate 
in the scenario

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is an attempt to get 
someone they already see

00:11:23.776 --> 00:11:25.619
as the bad guy in a 
position of power,

00:11:25.619 --> 00:11:28.340
to consider the other which they 
perceived to be the underdog.

00:11:28.340 --> 00:11:30.209
Because they're identified 
with the underdog.

00:11:30.209 --> 00:11:32.154
What they're defending 
through Devils Advocacy

00:11:32.154 --> 00:11:34.159
is really the disempowered 
part of themselves.

00:11:34.159 --> 00:11:37.273
Essentially they try to keep 
you both safe and good

00:11:37.273 --> 00:11:40.118
by knocking you down, 
so you never have power.

00:11:40.118 --> 00:11:42.213
It may be interesting for you to note

00:11:42.213 --> 00:11:44.839
something about this pattern 
of devil's advocacy,

00:11:44.839 --> 00:11:47.514
if you know people in your life 
who like to play this pattern out

00:11:47.514 --> 00:11:49.350
and tend to always play 
the devil's advocate.

00:11:49.350 --> 00:11:51.664
I'm going to tell you a little bit 
about the psychology here

00:11:51.664 --> 00:11:54.639
and I hope I can describe it in 
a way that you understand it.

00:11:54.710 --> 00:11:57.299
People who play devil's advocate,

00:11:57.299 --> 00:12:00.069
tend to feel when someone's upset,

00:12:00.069 --> 00:12:02.954
that the person on the 
other side of that upset

00:12:02.954 --> 00:12:05.129
is going to get hurt.

00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:08.999
Now when they perceive that 
that person is going to get hurt,

00:12:08.999 --> 00:12:10.720
that makes them

00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:12.574
suddenly the perceived victim

00:12:12.574 --> 00:12:14.401
and thus the perceived underdog.

00:12:14.401 --> 00:12:16.995
Because they see themselves 
as the underdog

00:12:16.995 --> 00:12:19.189
and that's actually 
where they identify,

00:12:19.189 --> 00:12:21.609
they will then go into a position

00:12:21.609 --> 00:12:23.589
of having to defend that person.

00:12:23.589 --> 00:12:25.259
So their alliance

00:12:25.259 --> 00:12:26.790
will be with the person

00:12:26.790 --> 00:12:29.379
whoever they're talking to, is upset at.

00:12:29.379 --> 00:12:31.969
Now, the reason that it's super confusing

00:12:31.969 --> 00:12:34.314
why the hell does this person 
defend that person

00:12:34.314 --> 00:12:36.600
then 10 seconds later 
defend the other person is

00:12:36.600 --> 00:12:38.480
they would do the same 
thing on the other side.

00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:40.020
If they were standing 
next to that person

00:12:40.020 --> 00:12:42.420
and they were upset at you, 
suddenly the upset suggests

00:12:42.420 --> 00:12:43.800
you could get hurt,

00:12:43.800 --> 00:12:45.340
the fact that you could get hurt

00:12:45.340 --> 00:12:47.840
means you're now the underdog they 
identify with you and they play

00:12:47.840 --> 00:12:49.750
the devil's advocate to that person.

00:12:49.750 --> 00:12:52.089
Okay, so basically to 
summarize it very simply

00:12:52.089 --> 00:12:53.729
the minute someone could get hurt

00:12:53.730 --> 00:12:55.009
they become the underdog,

00:12:55.009 --> 00:12:56.569
the one that could get hurt

00:12:56.569 --> 00:12:58.969
and thus this makes the 
person identify with them

00:12:58.969 --> 00:13:00.970
and argue on behalf of them.

00:13:00.970 --> 00:13:03.585
Again, they will subconsciously 
be defending themselves

00:13:03.585 --> 00:13:07.150
and their position of perceived 
powerlessness vicariously.

00:13:07.770 --> 00:13:10.630
And now, just when you thought we had

00:13:10.630 --> 00:13:12.329
dug as deep as we could,

00:13:12.329 --> 00:13:15.489
we're gonna have to go one layer deeper.

00:13:15.489 --> 00:13:16.709
~ Laughter ~

00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:19.090
When a child is put in the position

00:13:19.090 --> 00:13:20.705
where somebody in their life

00:13:20.705 --> 00:13:23.272
has this power and it's using 
this power against them,

00:13:23.272 --> 00:13:26.630
and it becomes an unsafe or 
perceived to be unsafe situation,

00:13:26.630 --> 00:13:30.019
the child copes with this by 
letting go of their identity.

00:13:30.019 --> 00:13:33.170
They become whatever pleases

00:13:33.170 --> 00:13:36.660
this tyrant of a powerful adult.

00:13:36.660 --> 00:13:39.759
Now obviously when they have 
to give themselves up in this way,

00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:42.019
they're not happy about it.

00:13:42.140 --> 00:13:45.024
Often when they begin to 
heal out of this pattern,

00:13:45.024 --> 00:13:47.096
instead of focusing on what they want

00:13:47.096 --> 00:13:48.420
and what their feelings are

00:13:48.420 --> 00:13:52.250
and what they're thinking and 
going after their unique desires,

00:13:52.740 --> 00:13:54.860
they turn against

00:13:54.860 --> 00:13:57.240
anyone in a position of power.

00:13:57.600 --> 00:13:58.700
Basically,

00:13:58.700 --> 00:14:01.620
rebellion is their only way 
to feel a sense of self.

00:14:01.620 --> 00:14:03.949
They can only feel definition

00:14:03.949 --> 00:14:07.004
for who they are and what they 
want and don't want and whatever,

00:14:07.004 --> 00:14:09.809
when they're in opposition to something.

00:14:10.290 --> 00:14:12.885
This means antagonism is their only way

00:14:12.885 --> 00:14:15.260
to feel a sense of self.

00:14:15.450 --> 00:14:17.564
So let's pretend you've watch this video

00:14:17.564 --> 00:14:20.559
and you can recognize this 
particular pattern within yourself.

00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:23.469
I'm gonna give you some suggestions 
for what you need to do.

00:14:23.469 --> 00:14:24.560
The first thing;

00:14:24.560 --> 00:14:26.715
Stop being concerned with whether or not

00:14:26.715 --> 00:14:30.470
somebody can see their 
own shadows in general.

00:14:30.470 --> 00:14:32.340
If you're in this pattern,

00:14:32.340 --> 00:14:34.065
what you have to recognize is you

00:14:34.065 --> 00:14:37.740
don't actually trust the person 
on the other side of this.

00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:40.440
Obviously, the focus then 
needs to be placed on:

00:14:40.440 --> 00:14:42.530
"Why don't I trust this person?"

00:14:42.690 --> 00:14:44.619
"How do I trust this person?"

00:14:44.619 --> 00:14:46.890
"Is this person really unworthy of trust?"

00:14:46.890 --> 00:14:49.330
"Or is it me that's just 
projecting that on to them

00:14:49.330 --> 00:14:51.590
based off of my previous experiences?"

00:14:51.590 --> 00:14:53.200
The real thing you need

00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:55.285
is not for them to see their shadow,

00:14:55.285 --> 00:14:58.750
it's for you to have more personal power.

00:14:58.750 --> 00:15:02.390
And in this situation you're 
powerless to your own shadow.

00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:06.185
One thing you need to see is that 
power was never the problem.

00:15:06.185 --> 00:15:08.950
I mean never ever the problem.

00:15:09.860 --> 00:15:12.740
Power doesn't corrupt.

00:15:12.740 --> 00:15:14.415
Even though you've been told that.

00:15:14.415 --> 00:15:16.920
Even though it seems like that's 
the way that the world works.

00:15:16.920 --> 00:15:18.324
Power doesn't corrupt.

00:15:18.324 --> 00:15:22.209
All power does, is it magnifies 
someone's actual character.

00:15:22.220 --> 00:15:24.309
It just becomes more

00:15:24.309 --> 00:15:26.684
of what a person already is.

00:15:26.684 --> 00:15:27.649
Right?

00:15:27.649 --> 00:15:29.524
So I want you to think about power

00:15:29.524 --> 00:15:31.002
as if it's fire.

00:15:31.002 --> 00:15:33.500
A person could possess a lot of fire,

00:15:33.500 --> 00:15:35.949
but obviously if that person 
wants to hurt someone,

00:15:35.949 --> 00:15:38.450
they're gonna do something 
different with that fire

00:15:38.450 --> 00:15:41.799
than somebody who wants 
to make people feel good.

00:15:41.890 --> 00:15:43.424
So it's not about power.

00:15:43.424 --> 00:15:45.261
It's about the person who holds it,

00:15:45.261 --> 00:15:47.919
and what their whole MO is.

00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:52.599
Perhaps the most important and 
critical thing for you to be doing

00:15:52.599 --> 00:15:54.399
is to focus on developing

00:15:54.399 --> 00:15:56.910
a healthy and a strong sense of self.

00:15:56.910 --> 00:15:58.220
For this reason,

00:15:58.220 --> 00:15:59.400
I have a few videos

00:15:59.400 --> 00:16:01.220
that will help you immensely,

00:16:01.220 --> 00:16:02.735
if you have this pattern.

00:16:02.735 --> 00:16:03.912
The first is:

00:16:03.912 --> 00:16:07.380
Personal Boundaries versus Oneness 
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)

00:16:07.380 --> 00:16:08.555
The second is:

00:16:08.555 --> 00:16:09.932
How To Be Authentic

00:16:09.932 --> 00:16:10.951
and the third is:

00:16:10.951 --> 00:16:13.400
People Are Not All Equal

00:16:13.940 --> 00:16:15.330
The next thing is,

00:16:15.330 --> 00:16:18.460
we have to try to really fully 
understand something

00:16:18.460 --> 00:16:21.055
that someone is doing and 
understand that person,

00:16:21.055 --> 00:16:23.792
before we automatically 
judge it as bad or wrong

00:16:23.792 --> 00:16:25.700
or out of alignment or shadow.

00:16:25.700 --> 00:16:28.555
It's only after we face our 
own resistance to things

00:16:28.555 --> 00:16:31.720
that the truth about that 
thing can finally emerge.

00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:33.054
For example,

00:16:33.054 --> 00:16:35.589
let's say that we have a lot of...

00:16:35.690 --> 00:16:38.109
Judgement about dressing sexy.

00:16:38.109 --> 00:16:39.979
It's out of alignment

00:16:39.979 --> 00:16:42.440
with who that person should be.

00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:44.224
You can't actually know that

00:16:44.224 --> 00:16:47.400
until you face your own 
resistance to dressing sexy.

00:16:47.400 --> 00:16:50.084
1) "Where did I get the idea 
that this isn't Okay?"

00:16:50.084 --> 00:16:51.769
2) "Why do I feel it isn't Okay?"

00:16:51.769 --> 00:16:53.174
Facing the emotions,

00:16:53.174 --> 00:16:55.240
that reaction I have to it.

00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:57.550
It's only by facing your resistance

00:16:57.550 --> 00:17:01.135
that the actual truth about 
dressing sexy, in this case,

00:17:01.135 --> 00:17:03.460
will rise to the surface.

00:17:03.830 --> 00:17:07.040
The next thing you have 
to do is to practice love.

00:17:07.040 --> 00:17:09.690
I know that that sounds like a new-age

00:17:09.690 --> 00:17:12.420
kind of a fairy tallish way 
of approaching the world.

00:17:12.420 --> 00:17:13.990
~ Giggles ~

00:17:14.430 --> 00:17:15.900
But here's the thing;

00:17:15.900 --> 00:17:18.920
To love somebody is to take 
them as a part of yourself.

00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:21.249
Now if you really understand those words,

00:17:21.249 --> 00:17:23.009
I mean at a visceral level,

00:17:23.009 --> 00:17:25.899
you will see that it is probably 
the most difficult practice

00:17:25.899 --> 00:17:27.379
you could ever do.

00:17:27.379 --> 00:17:28.990
Ever!

00:17:29.600 --> 00:17:31.629
What practicing love does

00:17:31.629 --> 00:17:34.409
is it demolishes power dynamics.

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:36.725
To understand more about this,

00:17:36.725 --> 00:17:38.877
you can feel free to 
watch my video titled:

00:17:38.877 --> 00:17:40.530
What is Love?

00:17:40.530 --> 00:17:43.104
When you are actually 
in the practice of love,

00:17:43.104 --> 00:17:45.391
the reflections you give someone,

00:17:45.391 --> 00:17:49.240
if you show them someplace that 
you feel like they're misaligned,

00:17:49.240 --> 00:17:51.449
the energy you will be doing this with

00:17:51.449 --> 00:17:53.094
is not against them.

00:17:53.094 --> 00:17:55.356
It's gonna be for them.

00:17:55.576 --> 00:17:57.809
And there's no way to fake this.

00:17:57.809 --> 00:17:59.843
If you are doing something

00:17:59.843 --> 00:18:02.870
for all of these subconscious 
reasons that I've just explained,

00:18:02.870 --> 00:18:04.348
as part of this shadow,

00:18:04.348 --> 00:18:07.053
it doesn't matter if you say 
that it's for someone

00:18:07.053 --> 00:18:08.859
or if you even think it's for them.

00:18:08.859 --> 00:18:10.604
It will be completely obvious,

00:18:10.604 --> 00:18:12.546
because of the energy behind it,

00:18:12.546 --> 00:18:14.160
that it isn't.

00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:16.354
In other words, it's important to realize

00:18:16.354 --> 00:18:19.829
that we can be in complete denial,

00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:22.659
telling ourselves that 
something is for someone,

00:18:22.659 --> 00:18:24.319
when it's really against them.

00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:28.104
Also, we can be in 
complete and total denial

00:18:28.104 --> 00:18:31.326
that we are doing something for 
the best interest of someone else,

00:18:31.326 --> 00:18:33.539
when really the only 
reason we're doing it

00:18:33.539 --> 00:18:35.530
is for our own best interests.

00:18:35.530 --> 00:18:37.910
When someone does present 
an opposing opinion

00:18:37.910 --> 00:18:40.750
or show someone their shadows 
from outside that shadow,

00:18:40.750 --> 00:18:42.349
the flavor of it changes,

00:18:42.349 --> 00:18:44.420
from a shadow to an assist.

00:18:44.420 --> 00:18:46.529
It doesn't register as a rebellion,

00:18:46.529 --> 00:18:49.449
as antagonism or as a power play.

00:18:49.610 --> 00:18:51.739
Resolve the shadow within yourself,

00:18:51.739 --> 00:18:54.249
or else, you will be a foe not a friend.

00:18:54.249 --> 00:18:56.049
It will be more dangerous than that,

00:18:56.049 --> 00:18:58.470
you will be a foe in the 
disguise of a friend.

00:18:58.470 --> 00:19:00.400
And also, I want to remind you

00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:03.535
that at this rather psychological 
and basic level of conversation

00:19:03.535 --> 00:19:05.390
that we've been having today,

00:19:05.390 --> 00:19:08.400
the devil doesn't really 
need more advocates.

00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:10.100
Have a good week.

00:19:26.926 --> 00:19:29.286
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
www.tanyaduarte.com