As you probably already know by now,
people can have all kinds of subconscious patterns
that they are completely unaware of.
In fact, the subconscious mind
can completely contradict the conscious mind.
For example, we may say something like:
"You know I totally love helping people."
But actually down deep
the truth is we don't really like helping people at all.
in fact, we just do it for a sense of appreciation
and guaranteed alliance and if we don't get those things
we regret helping in the first place.
Another example is,
we may have suppressed our anger a long time ago
and as a result, even though we may be very angry,
we don't even feel the anger.
In fact, we relate to ourselves only as a really peaceful person.
I know you've met people like that before.
Now, one of these subconscious patterns
that plays out in our lives, plays out in relationships.
And if this pattern isn't seen directly and resolved,
it can ruin a relationship.
Are You a Friend or a Foe Under the Guise of a Friend?
The pattern that makes you a foe on a subconscious level
is needing to be the one
to reflect someone's shadows to someone.
Or needing to be the one
who calls them out or can call them out.
Obviously being in this position in somebody's life
is a rather empowering position.
It's a position that gives you a lot of pride.
It's tempting to think that this is a loving position
to hold in somebody else's life.
When in fact,
there can be and often are
deep, deep shadows involved in why
you want to occupy that space in someone's life.
And what you're getting out of it.
People in the awareness community
see "shadow" as two different things.
Basically, they're using the same word for two different things.
The first is:
What someone is unconscious of.
The second is:
Something about a person that is out of alignment
or bad or wrong.
If I had my way,
we would no longer be using the same term
for both of these states.
Because,
the shadow is what you're unconscious of right?
Once you become conscious of it,
we can no longer call it a shadow.
So what are we really talking about
when we're referring to something about a person that's out of alignment
bad or wrong according to our judgment?
Obviously anytime we have a judgment we need to question it.
That being said,
sometimes you can accurately feel the "offness" of certain patterns
within yourself or others.
Meaning that something a person is thinking saying or doing
is not in alignment with their desires, well-being
and perhaps the well-being of others.
This pattern of being out of alignment
in some way,
is what many people call the shadow.
But what I would prefer is if we called this:
"Someone's Misalignment"
What we have to consider is that the reason
that we perceive something to be "off" about somebody else
may actually be because of something that is "off" about us.
So often when we see something
that is bad wrong or out of alignment
with somebody else,
what's actually happening there
is that they are out of alignment with what we want for them.
But here's the thing,
our desires for what we want for somebody
are so often because of what we want for ourselves.
So it really has nothing to do with that other person.
A better way of putting this is that
we run the risk of thinking that somebody else is
misaligned
in conditions when actually what their misaligned with,
is not their own desires and their own needs
and their own well-being,
but actually our overlay.
To understand this in depth, watch my video titled:
OVERLAY (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship)
When it comes to this particular pattern
that I'm going to talk about today,
it is you that is actually in a state of misalignment
looking at somebody else
in terms of their misalignment.
It is obvious that if people are close to us
they may perceive things about us that we're not aware of.
They may see where we are misaligned.
When a person in our life really loves us
the energy behind them making us aware of these things is an assist.
It feels pure because there's no subconscious strategy on their end.
But if there is a subconscious strategy behind this reflection,
no matter how much the person thinks they're telling us
what they're telling us for our own good,
it will feel like they're taking something away from us
instead of adding to our well-being by assisting us.
Taking pride in or being identified with
being the one in someone's life that can reflect their shadow to them,
being the one who calls them on their shit,
feels bad, because it's actually a power play.
Inherent in it is the energy of:
"I challenge and oppose you"
instead of: "I assist you".
If you have this particular "shadow" about yourself,
this identification with being this person
in somebody else's life, the truth,
down deep at the core, is that you don't trust anyone.
You've slipped into the illusion of self and other.
You're not practicing love because
you do not actually see the other person as a part of yourself.
Therefore what you can't see about yourself
is that you call people on their shadows out of fear.
It's all about your sense of well-being,
rather than it is about the well-being of the person
you're trying to reflect something to.
Another harsh reality you have to accept
is that if this is the role you're identified with,
being in other people's lives or specifically in one person's life,
the person you're doing that with,
you don't actually see is a good person.
You don't actually trust them.
Basically, you see them as the bad guy.
Whether you are willing to admit to it or not.
You distrust their capacity to see themselves,
you distrust their internal compass
and you distrust them with yourself and distress them with others.
And so on a subconscious level,
you try to use their vulnerability against them
for the sake of your own safety.
In that moment where you're able to see
and show them something about themselves that they don't see,
in that second,
you actually feel safer than ever,
because you feel the safety inherent
in that win
of superiority.
You have won up them.
When this pattern becomes even unhealthier
is when people use this pattern
to create endearment with someone.
The way that they do this
is by convincing the other person
that they are the only ones
that can truly see them.
"I'm the only one that can really see your shadow
and you've got to keep me around because I'm the one
that calls you on your bullshit."
Sounds loving right?
It's not.
It means you see yourself as indispensable to them.
And then try to convince them that you're indispensable
and that they must defer to your judgment.
Specifically because no-one else is as good at seeing their shadow
and therefore no one else can really see them
as clearly as you can.
This isolates them.
Their health and well-being now depends on keeping you around
to see the bad and wrong things about them,
that they cannot see about themselves.
The underlying message here that's being conveyed is:
"I'm the one that really sees you
and it just so happens that it's not so good."
If you're one of the people who establishes this type of pattern
in relationships the truth is you don't actually see them.
At all!
What you do see,
is every pattern within them that could potentially pose a threat to you.
This conscious pattern
is much easier to see in circumstances
where you have a person who's in a position of recognized power.
Now if in your childhood especially
or some point in your life,
you were put in the position where someone else had power.
And based on them having more power than you had,
you got hurt.
Power in and of itself
is going to be a trigger for you.
Essentially what I need you to recognize about yourself,
if you're in this pattern, is that you don't recognize power
as a good thing ever.
It's only ever a bad thing.
This means that all it takes for you to see somebody as a bad guy
and to get into this pattern with them,
is for them to have more power than you.
For them to be an achiever.
For them to be a boss.
For them to be an authority.
For them to be an expert.
For them to be more of anything.
More beautiful more wealthy more famous.
Anything that makes you perceive that they hold more power,
kicks you into this place
where you see them as the bad guy.
And thus, react as if they are.
A person is going to react to this if they have this pattern,
in one of two ways;
Either they are going to be so preoccupied
with being the one in power in all situations,
meaning: "I always have to have the upper hand",
or they're going to be a person who makes such an enemy
of power,
that it becomes their,
let's call it, calling in life,
to demolish power and to establish an egalitarian
type of regime.
Basically, they'll want to live in a place
where hierarchy does not exist and everyone's equal at all times.
No one ever has power over anyone else.
I can personally attest to this pattern,
I see it almost every day in my career.
The reason is,
obviously, in the world,
based off of my purpose and career
I've been put in a position
where I have both power and authority
relative to awareness
and relative to seeing things.
Especially shadows.
Now obviously, for people who are triggered by this
there's nothing more alluring than seeing things about me
that I don't see about myself.
There is no more superior position
you can have with someone in my particular position
than to be the one who sees the shadows of the shadow seer.
Or to be the one that is more aware than the awareness leader.
People with this shadow
use two excuses,
mainly, in order to defend or justify
this unhealthy pattern within themselves.
The first is,
it's easy to see things about other people
and it's not easy to see things about yourself.
In other words, you can't see your own shit.
Now, what's interesting about this
is they're taking a universal truth,
which is it's much easier to see things about other people
than it is to see about yourself,
to justify this behavior.
The other excuse that people use
or proof people find to back up this,
or justify this behavior,
is: "Just take a look at history."
Again, they're using a truth
to back up unhealthy behavior.
And that truth is:
that they can look all throughout history
at people who have had power,
who have turned into Tyrants
based off of not being able to see themselves.
People with this shadow
hate "Yes People"
and perceived these historical tyrants
to have been surrounded by "Yes People".
"Yes People" of course being people who never oppose the tyrant
and therefore enable horrible things.
But here's where I'm going to take this resistance
that you have towards these types of people in history
and drop it down a level.
The real anger
that people with this pattern have towards "Yes People"
is actually the anger that they had
towards the person in their life
that enabled
the tyrant in their life
that used their power against them,
to do what they did.
Essentially it's their pain at never being defended
in case you want to look into this, It's called bystander trauma
or enabling trauma.
Due to all this pattern
that I've just exposed to you,
people with this pattern,
tend to play the devil's advocate.
Like, all the time.
Playing the devil's advocate in the scenario
is an attempt to get someone they already see
as the bad guy in a position of power,
to consider the other which they perceived to be the underdog.
Because they're identified with the underdog.
What they're defending through Devils Advocacy
is really the disempowered part of themselves.
Essentially they try to keep you both safe and good
by knocking you down, so you never have power.
It may be interesting for you to note
something about this pattern of devil's advocacy,
if you know people in your life who like to play this pattern out
and tend to always play the devil's advocate.
I'm going to tell you a little bit about the psychology here
and I hope I can describe it in a way that you understand it.
People who play devil's advocate,
tend to feel when someone's upset,
that the person on the other side of that upset
is going to get hurt.
Now when they perceive that that person is going to get hurt,
that makes them
suddenly the perceived victim
and thus the perceived underdog.
Because they see themselves as the underdog
and that's actually where they identify,
they will then go into a position
of having to defend that person.
So their alliance
will be with the person
whoever they're talking to, is upset at.
Now, the reason that it's super confusing
why the hell does this person defend that person
then 10 seconds later defend the other person is
they would do the same thing on the other side.
If they were standing next to that person
and they were upset at you, suddenly the upset suggests
you could get hurt,
the fact that you could get hurt
means you're now the underdog they identify with you and they play
the devil's advocate to that person.
Okay, so basically to summarize it very simply
the minute someone could get hurt
they become the underdog,
the one that could get hurt
and thus this makes the person identify with them
and argue on behalf of them.
Again, they will subconsciously be defending themselves
and their position of perceived powerlessness vicariously.
And now, just when you thought we had
dug as deep as we could,
we're gonna have to go one layer deeper.
~ Laughter ~
When a child is put in the position
where somebody in their life
has this power and it's using this power against them,
and it becomes an unsafe or perceived to be unsafe situation,
the child copes with this by letting go of their identity.
They become whatever pleases
this tyrant of a powerful adult.
Now obviously when they have to give themselves up in this way,
they're not happy about it.
Often when they begin to heal out of this pattern,
instead of focusing on what they want
and what their feelings are
and what they're thinking and going after their unique desires,
they turn against
anyone in a position of power.
Basically,
rebellion is their only way to feel a sense of self.
They can only feel definition
for who they are and what they want and don't want and whatever,
when they're in opposition to something.
This means antagonism is their only way
to feel a sense of self.
So let's pretend you've watch this video
and you can recognize this particular pattern within yourself.
I'm gonna give you some suggestions for what you need to do.
The first thing;
Stop being concerned with whether or not
somebody can see their own shadows in general.
If you're in this pattern,
what you have to recognize is you
don't actually trust the person on the other side of this.
Obviously, the focus then needs to be placed on:
"Why don't I trust this person?"
"How do I trust this person?"
"Is this person really unworthy of trust?"
"Or is it me that's just projecting that on to them
based off of my previous experiences?"
The real thing you need
is not for them to see their shadow,
it's for you to have more personal power.
And in this situation you're powerless to your own shadow.
One thing you need to see is that power was never the problem.
I mean never ever the problem.
Power doesn't corrupt.
Even though you've been told that.
Even though it seems like that's the way that the world works.
Power doesn't corrupt.
All power does, is it magnifies someone's actual character.
It just becomes more
of what a person already is.
Right?
So I want you to think about power
as if it's fire.
A person could possess a lot of fire,
but obviously if that person wants to hurt someone,
they're gonna do something different with that fire
than somebody who wants to make people feel good.
So it's not about power.
It's about the person who holds it,
and what their whole MO is.
Perhaps the most important and critical thing for you to be doing
is to focus on developing
a healthy and a strong sense of self.
For this reason,
I have a few videos
that will help you immensely,
if you have this pattern.
The first is:
Personal Boundaries versus Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)
The second is:
How To Be Authentic
and the third is:
People Are Not All Equal
The next thing is,
we have to try to really fully understand something
that someone is doing and understand that person,
before we automatically judge it as bad or wrong
or out of alignment or shadow.
It's only after we face our own resistance to things
that the truth about that thing can finally emerge.
For example,
let's say that we have a lot of...
Judgement about dressing sexy.
It's out of alignment
with who that person should be.
You can't actually know that
until you face your own resistance to dressing sexy.
1) "Where did I get the idea that this isn't Okay?"
2) "Why do I feel it isn't Okay?"
Facing the emotions,
that reaction I have to it.
It's only by facing your resistance
that the actual truth about dressing sexy, in this case,
will rise to the surface.
The next thing you have to do is to practice love.
I know that that sounds like a new-age
kind of a fairy tallish way of approaching the world.
~ Giggles ~
But here's the thing;
To love somebody is to take them as a part of yourself.
Now if you really understand those words,
I mean at a visceral level,
you will see that it is probably the most difficult practice
you could ever do.
Ever!
What practicing love does
is it demolishes power dynamics.
To understand more about this,
you can feel free to watch my video titled:
What is Love?
When you are actually in the practice of love,
the reflections you give someone,
if you show them someplace that you feel like they're misaligned,
the energy you will be doing this with
is not against them.
It's gonna be for them.
And there's no way to fake this.
If you are doing something
for all of these subconscious reasons that I've just explained,
as part of this shadow,
it doesn't matter if you say that it's for someone
or if you even think it's for them.
It will be completely obvious,
because of the energy behind it,
that it isn't.
In other words, it's important to realize
that we can be in complete denial,
telling ourselves that something is for someone,
when it's really against them.
Also, we can be in complete and total denial
that we are doing something for the best interest of someone else,
when really the only reason we're doing it
is for our own best interests.
When someone does present an opposing opinion
or show someone their shadows from outside that shadow,
the flavor of it changes,
from a shadow to an assist.
It doesn't register as a rebellion,
as antagonism or as a power play.
Resolve the shadow within yourself,
or else, you will be a foe not a friend.
It will be more dangerous than that,
you will be a foe in the disguise of a friend.
And also, I want to remind you
that at this rather psychological and basic level of conversation
that we've been having today,
the devil doesn't really need more advocates.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com