Bill Burr 5 Minute stand-up.

EMCEE: Lets keep the comedy rolling.
All the way from the United States of America, Mr. Bill Burr.

BILL: Alright thank you. Thanks a lot. Hows it going?
Audience: Good!

Great.
Its nice to be here.

Im at that age where everybody
I knows getting married.

Let me ask you a question,
why the hell do people keep getting married?

You know what i mean isnt
anybody looking at the stats?

I mean 3 out of 4 marriages go
right down the shitter right?

If you were going skydiving,
and they told you 3 out of 4

parachutes werent going to open, youd be like
Yo fuck that! Im not goin!

I mean like I dont like those odds.
I have a 75% chance of splattin on the ground.

But theres something about getting married.
People just have to do it. Right?

Theyre just like, is this the line to lose half my shit?
Awesome! This is gonna be great!

No Im just kidding. I love women.
Im just not compatible with them.

They got too much energy for me.
They always have to be doing something.

You know like they cant, like, take a day off.
You cant have a day off when you have a girlfriend.

They just see the open day and go,
Oh my god! Lets fucking fill it up with shit.

Oh and they just come at you with like
one horrible idea after another.

They have the worst ideas.
They do.

Did they ever give you this one like like
You wanna go to brunch?

You wanna go to brunch on Sunday?
And inside youre like

FUCKING NO!. But you cant say that,
you gotta keep her happy right.

So what do you do? You agree.
Yeah. Lets go to brunch. What a great idea."

Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday
when you can go pays $52 for eggs.

Now youre thinking!
Then we can sit around and listen to your friends

have moronic conversations about the eggs.
You know, like Is that pesto?

Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh! Its asparagus!
Its asparagus! I thought it was pesto!

I was dating this girl recently.

She was like really into like womens issues, you know?

Cause women always go on TV and they say
all they want is to be treated exactly like guys,

but if you listen to them, they dont.

All they want is the good shit of being a guy.

Theyre cherry-picking.

Theyre looking at guys life like its a like a buffet, right.

Like you just could start picking out stuff,

like Same amount an hour,
well take some of that.

Pay for the movie. Fuck that--
you can keep that. I dont like that.

This is nice. Thats yucky.
Thats icky.

Come on, people. You cant choose.
This girl gives me shit, she goes,

Well why does a guy make more
an hour to do the exact same job?

I go Ill tell you why.

Because in the unlikely event that were
both on a Titanic and it starts to sink.

For some fucked up reason, you get to leave
with the kids, and I have to stay.

Thats why I get a dollar more an hour.
No its a dollar an hour surcharge.

You hear a bump in the night, I gotta go check it out,
like, yes! He does have a knife!

Anytime theres a hostage situation
who do they negotiate for?

Well at least let the women and children go.
Well, what about me?!

You think I wanna stay in the vault
with those 20 other sweaty guys,

sharing a bag of peanuts you know?

Prayin to God Im not the hostage who
gets dragged out by the psycho.

With a gun to my head as hes
asking the cops for a helicopter.

Which I know hes not gonna get, right?
I know hes not getting the helicopter.

So now Ive gotta make idle conversation
with a .38 to my head going

Dude, go for the rent-a-car. I think you
should go for the rent-a-car.

See what Im saying? where are all those
feminists then? You cant find 'em!

You have no feminists in a house fire.
You can take the most hardcore feminists.

You know some chick right in your face
You chauvinistic son of a bitch

you know.
Little short little haircut.

Second those flames break out,
shell twist those little hairs into little pigtails.

Ooo. Im just a girl.
I wanna go play jump rope.

You know thats why I hated that movie the Titanic.
Every girl I meet thinks that movies romantic.

Its irritating. They think,
That was really romantic, dont you think?

Its like NO!
Its a fucking horror film!

And theyre always like why and Im like
Because all the guys die.

See youre watching it trying to relate
going Who would I be

and youd be that chick floating away
on the big piece of luggage, right?

Im watching it going
who would I be

Id be that dude who when
the bulk breaks in half,

the dude who like falls straight down and
bangs off the shit and goes in the water.

Thats who Id be.
Id be wearing a tuxedo,

not because I wanted to be but you
wanted to dress up that night, right.

Id be falling the whole way down going

I should have fucked that chick in first class!

Listen. Im out of time. You guys are a lot of fun.
Thank you very much.

EMCEE: The very funny Bill Burr.