[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.10,0:00:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EMCEE: Lets keep the comedy rolling.\NAll the way from the United States of America, Mr. Bill Burr.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.89,0:00:17.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,BILL: Alright thank you. Thanks a lot. Hows it going?\NAudience: Good!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.18,0:00:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Great. \NIts nice to be here.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.60,0:00:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Im at that age where everybody \NI knows getting married.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.44,0:00:26.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me ask you a question,\Nwhy the hell do people keep getting married?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.68,0:00:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what i mean isnt\Nanybody looking at the stats?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.77,0:00:33.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean 3 out of 4 marriages go \Nright down the shitter right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.81,0:00:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you were going skydiving, \Nand they told you 3 out of 4
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.22,0:00:45.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,parachutes werent going to open, youd be like\NYo fuck that! Im not goin!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.02,0:00:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean like I dont like those odds. \NI have a 75% chance of splattin on the ground.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.36,0:00:56.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But theres something about getting married. \NPeople just have to do it. Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.67,0:01:04.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Theyre just like, is this the line to lose half my shit?\NAwesome! This is gonna be great!
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.58,0:01:09.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No Im just kidding. I love women. \NIm just not compatible with them.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.48,0:01:14.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They got too much energy for me. \NThey always have to be doing something.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.44,0:01:18.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know like they cant, like, take a day off. \NYou cant have a day off when you have a girlfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.20,0:01:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just see the open day and go,\NOh my god! Lets fucking fill it up with shit.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.75,0:01:31.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh and they just come at you with like\None horrible idea after another.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.92,0:01:36.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have the worst ideas. \NThey do.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.03,0:01:39.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did they ever give you this one like like \NYou wanna go to brunch?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.29,0:01:42.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You wanna go to brunch on Sunday? \NAnd inside youre like
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.66,0:01:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,FUCKING NO!. But you cant say that, \Nyou gotta keep her happy right.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.92,0:01:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what do you do? You agree. \NYeah. Lets go to brunch. What a great idea."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.64,0:01:58.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday \Nwhen you can go pays $52 for eggs.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.65,0:02:02.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now youre thinking! \NThen we can sit around and listen to your friends
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.21,0:02:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have moronic conversations about the eggs. \NYou know, like Is that pesto?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.08,0:02:18.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh! Its asparagus! \NIts asparagus! I thought it was pesto!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.39,0:02:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was dating this girl recently.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.90,0:02:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was like really into like womens issues, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.29,0:02:28.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cause women always go on TV and they say \Nall they want is to be treated exactly like guys,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.76,0:02:30.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but if you listen to them, they dont.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.64,0:02:33.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All they want is the good shit of being a guy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.74,0:02:35.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Theyre cherry-picking.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.26,0:02:37.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Theyre looking at guys life like its a like a buffet, right.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.87,0:02:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like you just could start picking out stuff,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.83,0:02:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like Same amount an hour, \Nwell take some of that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.28,0:02:46.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pay for the movie. Fuck that--\Nyou can keep that. I dont like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.51,0:02:49.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is nice. Thats yucky. \NThats icky.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.13,0:02:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on, people. You cant choose. \NThis girl gives me shit, she goes,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.92,0:02:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well why does a guy make more \Nan hour to do the exact same job?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.87,0:02:58.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I go Ill tell you why.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.49,0:03:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in the unlikely event that were \Nboth on a Titanic and it starts to sink.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.56,0:03:07.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For some fucked up reason, you get to leave \Nwith the kids, and I have to stay.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.77,0:03:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thats why I get a dollar more an hour. \NNo its a dollar an hour surcharge.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.87,0:03:21.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You hear a bump in the night, I gotta go check it out, \Nlike, yes! He does have a knife!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.50,0:03:25.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anytime theres a hostage situation \Nwho do they negotiate for?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.06,0:03:30.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well at least let the women and children go. \NWell, what about me?!
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.42,0:03:35.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You think I wanna stay in the vault\Nwith those 20 other sweaty guys,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.48,0:03:38.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sharing a bag of peanuts you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.24,0:03:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Prayin to God Im not the hostage who \Ngets dragged out by the psycho.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.33,0:03:45.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With a gun to my head as hes \Nasking the cops for a helicopter.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.56,0:03:47.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which I know hes not gonna get, right? \NI know hes not getting the helicopter.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.98,0:03:53.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now Ive gotta make idle conversation \Nwith a .38 to my head going
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.15,0:03:58.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dude, go for the rent-a-car. I think you \Nshould go for the rent-a-car.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.46,0:04:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See what Im saying? where are all those \Nfeminists then? You cant find 'em!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.62,0:04:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have no feminists in a house fire. \NYou can take the most hardcore feminists.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.53,0:04:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know some chick right in your face \NYou chauvinistic son of a bitch
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.07,0:04:14.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know. \NLittle short little haircut.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.09,0:04:17.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Second those flames break out, \Nshell twist those little hairs into little pigtails.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.97,0:04:23.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooo. Im just a girl. \NI wanna go play jump rope.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.66,0:04:32.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know thats why I hated that movie the Titanic. \NEvery girl I meet thinks that movies romantic.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.94,0:04:36.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Its irritating. They think, \NThat was really romantic, dont you think?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.19,0:04:41.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Its like NO! \NIts a fucking horror film!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.33,0:04:45.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And theyre always like why and Im like \NBecause all the guys die.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.70,0:04:48.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See youre watching it trying to relate \Ngoing Who would I be
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.05,0:04:51.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and youd be that chick floating away \Non the big piece of luggage, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.07,0:04:52.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Im watching it going \Nwho would I be
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.62,0:04:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Id be that dude who when \Nthe bulk breaks in half,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.72,0:04:59.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the dude who like falls straight down and \Nbangs off the shit and goes in the water.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.78,0:05:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thats who Id be. \NId be wearing a tuxedo,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.79,0:05:07.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because I wanted to be but you \Nwanted to dress up that night, right.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.56,0:05:12.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Id be falling the whole way down going
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.81,0:05:16.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I should have fucked that chick in first class!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.40,0:05:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Listen. Im out of time. You guys are a lot of fun. \NThank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.83,0:05:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EMCEE: The very funny Bill Burr.