WEBVTT 00:00:01.099 --> 00:00:06.000 EMCEE: Lets keep the comedy rolling. All the way from the United States of America, Mr. Bill Burr. 00:00:12.894 --> 00:00:17.183 BILL: Alright thank you. Thanks a lot. Hows it going? Audience: Good! 00:00:17.183 --> 00:00:20.599 Great. Its nice to be here. 00:00:20.599 --> 00:00:23.445 Im at that age where everybody I knows getting married. 00:00:23.445 --> 00:00:26.684 Let me ask you a question, why the hell do people keep getting married? 00:00:26.684 --> 00:00:29.766 You know what i mean isnt anybody looking at the stats? 00:00:29.766 --> 00:00:33.813 I mean 3 out of 4 marriages go right down the shitter right? 00:00:33.813 --> 00:00:36.221 If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 00:00:36.221 --> 00:00:45.408 parachutes werent going to open, youd be like Yo fuck that! Im not goin! 00:00:46.018 --> 00:00:53.361 I mean like I dont like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splattin on the ground. 00:00:53.361 --> 00:00:56.666 But theres something about getting married. People just have to do it. Right? 00:00:56.666 --> 00:01:04.579 Theyre just like, is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome! This is gonna be great! 00:01:04.579 --> 00:01:09.479 No Im just kidding. I love women. Im just not compatible with them. 00:01:09.479 --> 00:01:14.439 They got too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:18.195 You know like they cant, like, take a day off. You cant have a day off when you have a girlfriend. 00:01:18.195 --> 00:01:24.616 They just see the open day and go, Oh my god! Lets fucking fill it up with shit. 00:01:26.746 --> 00:01:31.925 Oh and they just come at you with like one horrible idea after another. 00:01:31.925 --> 00:01:36.027 They have the worst ideas. They do. 00:01:36.027 --> 00:01:39.287 Did they ever give you this one like like You wanna go to brunch? 00:01:39.287 --> 00:01:42.656 You wanna go to brunch on Sunday? And inside youre like 00:01:42.656 --> 00:01:48.915 FUCKING NO!. But you cant say that, you gotta keep her happy right. 00:01:48.915 --> 00:01:53.639 So what do you do? You agree. Yeah. Lets go to brunch. What a great idea." 00:01:53.639 --> 00:01:58.651 Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pays $52 for eggs. 00:01:58.651 --> 00:02:02.207 Now youre thinking! Then we can sit around and listen to your friends 00:02:02.207 --> 00:02:08.085 have moronic conversations about the eggs. You know, like Is that pesto? 00:02:08.085 --> 00:02:18.474 Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh! Its asparagus! Its asparagus! I thought it was pesto! 00:02:20.393 --> 00:02:21.905 I was dating this girl recently. 00:02:21.905 --> 00:02:24.292 She was like really into like womens issues, you know? 00:02:24.292 --> 00:02:28.757 Cause women always go on TV and they say all they want is to be treated exactly like guys, 00:02:28.757 --> 00:02:30.642 but if you listen to them, they dont. 00:02:30.642 --> 00:02:33.736 All they want is the good shit of being a guy. 00:02:33.736 --> 00:02:35.261 Theyre cherry-picking. 00:02:35.261 --> 00:02:37.869 Theyre looking at guys life like its a like a buffet, right. 00:02:37.869 --> 00:02:39.831 Like you just could start picking out stuff, 00:02:39.831 --> 00:02:42.282 like Same amount an hour, well take some of that. 00:02:42.282 --> 00:02:46.514 Pay for the movie. Fuck that-- you can keep that. I dont like that. 00:02:46.514 --> 00:02:49.128 This is nice. Thats yucky. Thats icky. 00:02:49.128 --> 00:02:52.920 Come on, people. You cant choose. This girl gives me shit, she goes, 00:02:52.920 --> 00:02:56.870 Well why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job? 00:02:56.870 --> 00:02:58.489 I go Ill tell you why. 00:02:58.489 --> 00:03:02.561 Because in the unlikely event that were both on a Titanic and it starts to sink. 00:03:02.561 --> 00:03:07.771 For some fucked up reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to stay. 00:03:08.768 --> 00:03:13.870 Thats why I get a dollar more an hour. No its a dollar an hour surcharge. 00:03:13.870 --> 00:03:21.498 You hear a bump in the night, I gotta go check it out, like, yes! He does have a knife! 00:03:21.498 --> 00:03:25.056 Anytime theres a hostage situation who do they negotiate for? 00:03:25.056 --> 00:03:30.422 Well at least let the women and children go. Well, what about me?! 00:03:30.422 --> 00:03:35.478 You think I wanna stay in the vault with those 20 other sweaty guys, 00:03:35.478 --> 00:03:38.242 sharing a bag of peanuts you know? 00:03:38.242 --> 00:03:42.327 Prayin to God Im not the hostage who gets dragged out by the psycho. 00:03:42.327 --> 00:03:45.555 With a gun to my head as hes asking the cops for a helicopter. 00:03:45.555 --> 00:03:47.979 Which I know hes not gonna get, right? I know hes not getting the helicopter. 00:03:47.979 --> 00:03:53.151 So now Ive gotta make idle conversation with a .38 to my head going 00:03:53.151 --> 00:03:58.459 Dude, go for the rent-a-car. I think you should go for the rent-a-car. 00:03:58.459 --> 00:04:04.617 See what Im saying? where are all those feminists then? You cant find 'em! 00:04:04.617 --> 00:04:09.530 You have no feminists in a house fire. You can take the most hardcore feminists. 00:04:09.530 --> 00:04:12.074 You know some chick right in your face You chauvinistic son of a bitch 00:04:12.074 --> 00:04:14.090 you know. Little short little haircut. 00:04:14.090 --> 00:04:17.971 Second those flames break out, shell twist those little hairs into little pigtails. 00:04:17.971 --> 00:04:23.447 Ooo. Im just a girl. I wanna go play jump rope. 00:04:26.664 --> 00:04:32.936 You know thats why I hated that movie the Titanic. Every girl I meet thinks that movies romantic. 00:04:32.936 --> 00:04:36.193 Its irritating. They think, That was really romantic, dont you think? 00:04:36.193 --> 00:04:41.326 Its like NO! Its a fucking horror film! 00:04:41.326 --> 00:04:45.696 And theyre always like why and Im like Because all the guys die. 00:04:45.696 --> 00:04:48.050 See youre watching it trying to relate going Who would I be 00:04:48.050 --> 00:04:51.074 and youd be that chick floating away on the big piece of luggage, right? 00:04:51.074 --> 00:04:52.625 Im watching it going who would I be 00:04:52.625 --> 00:04:54.725 Id be that dude who when the bulk breaks in half, 00:04:54.725 --> 00:04:59.779 the dude who like falls straight down and bangs off the shit and goes in the water. 00:04:59.779 --> 00:05:02.794 Thats who Id be. Id be wearing a tuxedo, 00:05:02.794 --> 00:05:07.563 not because I wanted to be but you wanted to dress up that night, right. 00:05:07.563 --> 00:05:12.810 Id be falling the whole way down going 00:05:12.810 --> 00:05:16.270 I should have fucked that chick in first class! 00:05:17.398 --> 00:05:21.829 Listen. Im out of time. You guys are a lot of fun. Thank you very much. 00:05:21.829 --> 00:05:25.501 EMCEE: The very funny Bill Burr.