1 00:00:01,099 --> 00:00:06,000 EMCEE: Lets keep the comedy rolling. All the way from the United States of America, Mr. Bill Burr. 2 00:00:12,894 --> 00:00:17,183 BILL: Alright thank you. Thanks a lot. Hows it going? Audience: Good! 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:20,599 Great. Its nice to be here. 4 00:00:20,599 --> 00:00:23,445 Im at that age where everybody I knows getting married. 5 00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:26,684 Let me ask you a question, why the hell do people keep getting married? 6 00:00:26,684 --> 00:00:29,766 You know what i mean isnt anybody looking at the stats? 7 00:00:29,766 --> 00:00:33,813 I mean 3 out of 4 marriages go right down the shitter right? 8 00:00:33,813 --> 00:00:36,221 If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 9 00:00:36,221 --> 00:00:45,408 parachutes werent going to open, youd be like Yo fuck that! Im not goin! 10 00:00:46,018 --> 00:00:53,361 I mean like I dont like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splattin on the ground. 11 00:00:53,361 --> 00:00:56,666 But theres something about getting married. People just have to do it. Right? 12 00:00:56,666 --> 00:01:04,579 Theyre just like, is this the line to lose half my shit? Awesome! This is gonna be great! 13 00:01:04,579 --> 00:01:09,479 No Im just kidding. I love women. Im just not compatible with them. 14 00:01:09,479 --> 00:01:14,439 They got too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. 15 00:01:14,439 --> 00:01:18,195 You know like they cant, like, take a day off. You cant have a day off when you have a girlfriend. 16 00:01:18,195 --> 00:01:24,616 They just see the open day and go, Oh my god! Lets fucking fill it up with shit. 17 00:01:26,746 --> 00:01:31,925 Oh and they just come at you with like one horrible idea after another. 18 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:36,027 They have the worst ideas. They do. 19 00:01:36,027 --> 00:01:39,287 Did they ever give you this one like like You wanna go to brunch? 20 00:01:39,287 --> 00:01:42,656 You wanna go to brunch on Sunday? And inside youre like 21 00:01:42,656 --> 00:01:48,915 FUCKING NO!. But you cant say that, you gotta keep her happy right. 22 00:01:48,915 --> 00:01:53,639 So what do you do? You agree. Yeah. Lets go to brunch. What a great idea." 23 00:01:53,639 --> 00:01:58,651 Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pays $52 for eggs. 24 00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:02,207 Now youre thinking! Then we can sit around and listen to your friends 25 00:02:02,207 --> 00:02:08,085 have moronic conversations about the eggs. You know, like Is that pesto? 26 00:02:08,085 --> 00:02:18,474 Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh! Its asparagus! Its asparagus! I thought it was pesto! 27 00:02:20,393 --> 00:02:21,905 I was dating this girl recently. 28 00:02:21,905 --> 00:02:24,292 She was like really into like womens issues, you know? 29 00:02:24,292 --> 00:02:28,757 Cause women always go on TV and they say all they want is to be treated exactly like guys, 30 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,642 but if you listen to them, they dont. 31 00:02:30,642 --> 00:02:33,736 All they want is the good shit of being a guy. 32 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,261 Theyre cherry-picking. 33 00:02:35,261 --> 00:02:37,869 Theyre looking at guys life like its a like a buffet, right. 34 00:02:37,869 --> 00:02:39,831 Like you just could start picking out stuff, 35 00:02:39,831 --> 00:02:42,282 like Same amount an hour, well take some of that. 36 00:02:42,282 --> 00:02:46,514 Pay for the movie. Fuck that-- you can keep that. I dont like that. 37 00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:49,128 This is nice. Thats yucky. Thats icky. 38 00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:52,920 Come on, people. You cant choose. This girl gives me shit, she goes, 39 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,870 Well why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job? 40 00:02:56,870 --> 00:02:58,489 I go Ill tell you why. 41 00:02:58,489 --> 00:03:02,561 Because in the unlikely event that were both on a Titanic and it starts to sink. 42 00:03:02,561 --> 00:03:07,771 For some fucked up reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to stay. 43 00:03:08,768 --> 00:03:13,870 Thats why I get a dollar more an hour. No its a dollar an hour surcharge. 44 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:21,498 You hear a bump in the night, I gotta go check it out, like, yes! He does have a knife! 45 00:03:21,498 --> 00:03:25,056 Anytime theres a hostage situation who do they negotiate for? 46 00:03:25,056 --> 00:03:30,422 Well at least let the women and children go. Well, what about me?! 47 00:03:30,422 --> 00:03:35,478 You think I wanna stay in the vault with those 20 other sweaty guys, 48 00:03:35,478 --> 00:03:38,242 sharing a bag of peanuts you know? 49 00:03:38,242 --> 00:03:42,327 Prayin to God Im not the hostage who gets dragged out by the psycho. 50 00:03:42,327 --> 00:03:45,555 With a gun to my head as hes asking the cops for a helicopter. 51 00:03:45,555 --> 00:03:47,979 Which I know hes not gonna get, right? I know hes not getting the helicopter. 52 00:03:47,979 --> 00:03:53,151 So now Ive gotta make idle conversation with a .38 to my head going 53 00:03:53,151 --> 00:03:58,459 Dude, go for the rent-a-car. I think you should go for the rent-a-car. 54 00:03:58,459 --> 00:04:04,617 See what Im saying? where are all those feminists then? You cant find 'em! 55 00:04:04,617 --> 00:04:09,530 You have no feminists in a house fire. You can take the most hardcore feminists. 56 00:04:09,530 --> 00:04:12,074 You know some chick right in your face You chauvinistic son of a bitch 57 00:04:12,074 --> 00:04:14,090 you know. Little short little haircut. 58 00:04:14,090 --> 00:04:17,971 Second those flames break out, shell twist those little hairs into little pigtails. 59 00:04:17,971 --> 00:04:23,447 Ooo. Im just a girl. I wanna go play jump rope. 60 00:04:26,664 --> 00:04:32,936 You know thats why I hated that movie the Titanic. Every girl I meet thinks that movies romantic. 61 00:04:32,936 --> 00:04:36,193 Its irritating. They think, That was really romantic, dont you think? 62 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:41,326 Its like NO! Its a fucking horror film! 63 00:04:41,326 --> 00:04:45,696 And theyre always like why and Im like Because all the guys die. 64 00:04:45,696 --> 00:04:48,050 See youre watching it trying to relate going Who would I be 65 00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:51,074 and youd be that chick floating away on the big piece of luggage, right? 66 00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:52,625 Im watching it going who would I be 67 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,725 Id be that dude who when the bulk breaks in half, 68 00:04:54,725 --> 00:04:59,779 the dude who like falls straight down and bangs off the shit and goes in the water. 69 00:04:59,779 --> 00:05:02,794 Thats who Id be. Id be wearing a tuxedo, 70 00:05:02,794 --> 00:05:07,563 not because I wanted to be but you wanted to dress up that night, right. 71 00:05:07,563 --> 00:05:12,810 Id be falling the whole way down going 72 00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:16,270 I should have fucked that chick in first class! 73 00:05:17,398 --> 00:05:21,829 Listen. Im out of time. You guys are a lot of fun. Thank you very much. 74 00:05:21,829 --> 00:05:25,501 EMCEE: The very funny Bill Burr.