How to help someone who doesnt acknowledge his suffering?

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 6

(Half sound of the bell)

(Bell)

(FRENCH)
Dear Thay, dear Sangha

I would like to ask
the following question:

How to help a relative
take care of his suffering

when he does not
acknowledge his suffering.

I would like to give
some context for the question.

This relative is my husband.

He is the father of my three daughters.

He is in a severe depression
since the end of March

when our second daughter
had a severe accident.

He loved her very much.

Our second daughter,
who is fourteen years old,

was hit by a car
and had a severe head injury.

She spent two months in a coma.

Miraculously she is alive,
and slowly she is improving.

Plum Village chanted for her
during the Francophone retreat

and we thank you all for that.

My husband has a lot of pain and anger.

And he does not accept the situation
which he finds unjust.

It is a very difficult situation
for everyone.

I had already felt this suffering in him
for some years before this.

He expressed it in the form of
anger, blaming and impatience.

He did not recognize it as his own.

I also have my own suffering,
but at least I am aware of it.

I have my own questions.

It is very hard for me at present
to accept this big suffering, this test.

I really hope our daughter
can get back to life.

and that with our three children we can...

use this situation, this test
to get back together

and to become a family with
more calm, more joy and more peace too.

So I repeat my question:

How to help a relative
to transform his suffering

when he does not
take this suffering to be his?

(ENGLISH)
Dear Thay,

This is the background for the question.

She says: "My husband, the father
of our three daughters

is in a deep depression since
the end of March this year.

That was when our second daughter
who is fourteen years old

had a severe accident.

And he was very close with this daughter.

The daughter had been hit by a car
and had a severe head injury.

And she spent two months in a coma.

Miraculously she is alive,
and slowly she is improving.

Plum Village chanted for her in May
and we thank you for that.

So my husband has a lot of pain and anger

and does not accept the situation
which he considers very unjust.

I had already felt in him a big suffering
before this happened for some years.

It would manifest in the form
of anger, blaming and impatience,

but he never recognized this
and I suffer from it.

If our daughter can
come back fully into life

I wish that this can make
a new beginning for our whole family

to be able to live more
serenely and happily together."

And so the question is:

"How can we help someone close to us
to transform their suffering

when they do not acknowledge it in them
they do not see it inside."

Maybe someone recognizes

his own weakness, his suffering,
but does not say it aloud.

And we think he does not...

we think he does not want to...

recognize that he is suffering.

But maybe...

he may have accepted it,

he may be aware of it.

So we do not need him to say out loud:

"I recognise that I have suffering...

...and anger in me."

We don't need him to practically say that.

Maybe he has done it with himself.

That he says that may be our need
rather than his need.

Sometimes we have to use skillful means
in order to help a person.

If we can't help directly then we can...

help indirectly.

Some things we should not
tell him directly,

but someone else can help and tell him.

Someone else may do it
better than ourselves.

From time to time I have
disciples who need to be helped,

but Thay does not try
to help them directly.

Thay knows that disciple has
a brother or sister in the Dharma

who can do it better than Thay.

Because when you are of the same age,
it is easier for you to talk.

So Thay asks another disciple
to go and help him.

Thay does not have to do it directly.

So there are friends, there are people
who have the same kind of wavelength,

who can tell a story,
who can say something,

who can bring that idea,

who can bring that proposal
better than ourselves.

We have tried a few times,
and we have failed.

So we can always ask someone else
to do that for us.

We do not want to take credit.

And sometimes...

we tell the story
of another person

who is very much in the same situation.

It is easier.

So while listening to the story
of the other person

reflection can take place in him,

because it is easier for him to listen
to the story of another person

than to listen to his own story.

So there are many skillful means
in order to help a person.

We need to have enough compassion.

We need a lot of understanding.

We have to understand ourselves.

And we have to understand
the other person, his way,

in order to offer the exact,
the appropriate help.

We have to be patient

and we have to be fresh and loving.

A lot of patience.

Everything we do in the day, whether
it be cooking, cleaning or washing

can be an act of love,
can be an act of help.

Our way of looking,
our way of smiling, our way of talking

has a role to play
in that attempt to help.

So the way we are, the way
we live our lives, is the foundation

and not just what we want to say,
what we want to do to help.

So Thay has also learned a lot
from being a teacher.

He has to look into
the person of each disciple,

and recognize everyone's strength,
weakness, suffering and difficulties

and get a clear enough idea of

what to say, what not to say,
what to do and what not to do

in order to help such a disciple

and think of when to say it,
when to do it.

You have to look for
the right moment, the right place

in order to do it or to say it
in order to help.

Sometimes Thay has to wait three months.

You have to give him, give her enough space.

You should not push,

because we understand,
we see the suffering.

Love is patience.

Patience is a mark of love.

And we have to love ourselves first,

before we can love the other person.

We have to get enough calm,
and joy and peace for ourselves.

And the practice helps.

I had a disciple, a nun.

She got arrested and put into prison
because of her peace activities.

The prison is a very difficult
place to practice.

But she tried to practice.

The guards did not like to see her
practicing sitting meditation.

They think...

They see it as a challenge...

a challenge against them.

It means to them:

"Being in prison
I don't have to suffer."

So when you practice
sitting meditation in your cell

he understands that you are defying him.

So she needs to wait
until the lights are out

in order to sit up.

And she did walking slowly in her cell
in order to nourish herself and so on.

It was a difficult situation,

but she knew the practice.

Not only can she
preserve herself in prison,

but she could also help
the other prisoners to suffer less.

So in difficult situations like that,
it is still possible for us to practice,

to retain our hope, our freshness,
our love, our patience,

in order to be able
to help the other person.

(Half sound of the bell)

(Bell)